Beth was glued to Spot's side at all times. Selling papers? There she was. Just wanted to have a quick chat with him? There again. She was with him every time I wanted to hang out, every time I simply said hi.
I tried to be happy for them, but deep down, I knew I never could be. Every time I saw them, I could feel another part of my heart break away. It was torture.
Spot didn't seem too happy either. Although, maybe I was only seeing that because that's what I wanted to see. It's just, he never seemed very interested when she was talking to him. He zoned out often. I'm sure I was just imagining. He was probably perfectly happy.
I tried not to care. I knew I didn't need or have to care. I shouldn't have cared. It didn't matter. Spot was over it already. He probably didn't even care in the first place.
But I couldn't stand it. I had my chance. I absolutely blew it. I had been mad that he was asking me to give up my secret, but I would've asked the same thing. He wasn't being unreasonable. However, I couldn't tell everyone. That would just ruin everything. All that work to keep the secret would be down the drain.
Then again, I couldn't keep it forever. What about when I got older and started to actually look like a girl? It was already happening. I wouldn't be able to keep it up much longer. So why not? Why not just tell everyone?
I would grow my hair out. Tell everyone that I was a girl. But I wasn't doing it for Spot, I promise. I was doing it for me. I was tired of my secret.
But I would need to get a second opinion. I tended to make terrible choices, so I went to Jack, who wasn't much better, but I trust him.
"I need ta talk to you." I yanked him out of a conversation with Sarah. He whined as I pulled on his arm. Sarah giggled behind us.
"What do you want?" He complained.
I socked him in the arm. "It's somethin' kinda important."
"Alright, go ahead." He glanced back at Sarah. "And hurry."
I shifted around uncomfortably. I wasn't sure how I was going to ask. I wasn't sure why I was asking either. It just felt wrong not telling him. He was like my brother.
I took a deep breath. "I was thinkin' of growin' out my hair," I cleared my throat. This was harder than I thought it was going to be. "and, uh, tellin' everyone, y'know?"
Waiting for his answer was one of the most stressful experiences ever. He simply stared at me, straight faced. He gave no hints as to his opinion on this idea.
It wasn't much better when he actually answered. "No." There was nothing else. Just that. I was dumbstruck and unsure how to answer. Why not? I didn't see the problem.
"What?" I finally managed.
"No," He repeated, "I don't think that's a good idea."
"But-"
"No."
"Yer not in charge o' me," I tried to reason.
Jack put a finger to my lips. "Move the finger, or I bite it off," I told him. He quickly did what I said, bringing his hand away from me.
"You just can't, Nicky. What about what you always say? Everythin' is just gonna be different. I thought you didn't want that."
"I don't. It's just-" I faltered. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted. I just wanted everything to go back to how it was before the strike. Everything was simpler then. I didn't have to worry about anything except staying alive.
I turned away from him, tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't expect to get emotional. I never did, but I guess that I was more tired of it than I thought.
"I- I can't anymore. I- I just can't. I'm done, Jack. I'm done." I looked back at him, he was giving me a pitiful look. He came closer and rubbed my arm.
"It's okay, Nicky," He assured me. I brushed his hand off me.
"Except it's not," I shouted, "You don't understand how hard it is to keep this secret. All I wanna do is tell everybody. But I can't, I just- If I do, I'll get taken away. I don't wanna get taken away, but I don't wanna be a boy anymore, Jack. I wanna grow my hair out and- and-"
Jack pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly. "I'm sorry," He whispered to me, "I'm sorry I didn't consider yer feelings. I-" He trailed off.
"You should be." I let out a small laugh. "I'm fine. Just a little stressed."
"I still think it's a bad idea," He said, shrugging, "But I guess it's yer secret."
I couldn't believe this was happening. It was weird even just thinking about everyone knowing. I wondered how they'd react. Would they accept it immediately? How hard would it be for them to adjust to calling me she?
More importantly, how would I tell them? I had never actually done it before. It was always just Medda not being able to keep a secret.
I was shaking when I got to the lodge. This was the moment. I waited for Jack. I needed him for emotional support. It would simply not happen if he weren't there.
"Alright, idiots," I said to get the boys' attention, "I have somethin' ta say." I hesitated. I looked to Jack, who gave me a halfhearted nod. I turned my glance back to the boys, who were watching curiously.
"What?" Asked Race impatiently, "Are ya just gonna stand there or are ya gonna talk?" This earned him a punch in the arm.
"Ta put it simply, I ain't what ya think."
Kid Blink raised an eyebrow. "What d'you mean?"
"What're ya not tellin' us?" Race asked.
I touched my locket. I tried to think of how they would respond. I was afraid they wouldn't accept it. I didn't want them to treat me differently. I took a deep breath. "I'm not a boy."
Race sat with his mouth gaping, along with most of the other boys. David just nodded. I hadn't noticed he was here. And I'd almost forgotten that he knew my secret. I didn't talk to him very much.
"Are ya not gonna say anythin'?" I asked.
Race shook his head, as if trying to come back to reality. "Did I hear ya right?"
"I dunno, what'd ya hear?"
"Yer not a-"
"Yes. And I'm offended that ya couldn't figure it out," I joked.
"Wait, we was supposed ta think you were a boy?" Mush said, looking surprised that anyone had thought that in the first place. This made me laugh. Of all people to guess it, it was the most oblivious person ever. How?
Race looked me up and down. "How long has this been a thing?"
"Forever, you idiot." I kicked him in the shin. "I've always been a girl."
"I'm serious," Mush cut in, "Were we supposed ta think you were a boy?"
"Yeah. Yer tellin' me you knew the whole time?" It baffled me. He didn't seem like he'd be able to figure it out. He had also been calling me he this whole time.
"Well, yeah. I thought it was obvious. I knew I'd seen you walkin' down the street a lot. I just recognized ya. I can't tell ya how confused I was when you came in here sayin' you were a boy named Nick."
I guess that did make sense. I did pass by the newsies on my way home from school every day. It never occurred to me that they were the people I'd been living with for the past couple of years. It was a weird thought. That there was a time when I didn't know them.
The rest of the boys didn't take it quite as well as Jack did. The amount of questions they asked was irritating. And to think this is how I was hoping Jack would react. I'm glad he didn't act like this.
The amount of times I was asked if I ever found any of them attractive was insane. I don't know why this was a common question but I got it like ten times. Although, to be fair, like three of those were Race. He was being a pain.
My answer, of course, was no. I had never found any of them remotely attractive. They were like my brothers. They were my family.
I was just about ready to strangle each and everyone one of them by the end of the day. When they finally couldn't think of any more questions, it was one of the best times ever.
***
i suck
i would've published this sooner but i've been busy every day this week
but it's summer now and unless my friends decide to drag me places every day (which is what happened this week), i'll have more time to write
also, off topic, but getting curly hair wet (unless showering) is the worst