Startled, I dropped the key from my hand as we opened the door to be greeted by an unexpected crowd of people and a banner that read 'Goodbye Lou' in colourful capital letters. I could imagine Zayn designing it. So cheerful and in his own style I had envied him for all those years in art class. It looked like I would go for a year or something and then come back. Anyone outside could never have thought that this banner would stand for a final farewell. And I liked that
"Surprise, Loubear." Harry smiled and released his hand from mine to put his arm around my waist.
I looked into the smiling faces of my closest friends and dearest acquaintances. There were so many of them. Liam, Gemma, Anne, Lottie, Mason, Mark and of course Niall, Zayn and Gigi to name a few. They all tried to grin gleefully. Although nobody really wanted to succeed, since everyone knew what the reason for this meeting was.
"You're crazy." I exhaled, choking back the tears of emotion that stung my eyes.
"So fucking crazy."
-
We all walked into the living room as almost everyone had given me a hug once and told me how much he or she was going to miss me.
Mark and Mason had organized a barbecue, Gigi had decorated the room down to the last detail, Zayn had painted pictures for his girlfriend to decorate. -Another situation where the couple was perfectly matched. Niall had arranged the drinks and Lottie played my favourite playlist.
The people in the house danced exuberantly and there was always a small cluster of people around me. The mood was good. Better than I expected and at some point, Mark said goodbye and went to the night shift. I had told him not to neglect his job for me. After all, his life would go on. "See you tomorrow morning little man." He said in a pained voice and ruffled my hair.
It wasn't long before Anne and Gemma also said goodbye. Both had to work the next morning.
Harry's mother hugged me tightly.
"I'll miss you so much Louis. My son will never find someone like you again. It's not fair. I would trade places with you, it's all so cruel. I'm so glad I met you. You're the best thing ever happened to Harry." She sobbed into my shirt in all her endless pain and her being so unbelievably sorry for this young love to have to end and I couldn't do anything but just hold her.
By midnight most of the guests had left. Some to continue partying in some club, others because they thought it was enough. After all, the evening wasn't a boisterous party. -At least not primarily.
Only Liam, Niall, Gigi and Zayn were there still. And of course, Harry, who clingily snuggled close to my side on the couch and watched me prepare a Redbull vodka mix for the two of us to share.
Liam, Niall and Zayn were standing at the kitchen counter talking about something and Gigi was wandering around aimlessly. I had the feeling she had something on her mind all evening, but she hadn't said anything and I didn't want to address her strange behaviour directly. But I was worried and made a gesture to encourage her to come to us.
I raised the vodka bottle invitingly, but Gigi firmly refused with a shake of the head. Exhausted, she let herself fall into the chair and watched introspectively as I shrugged and put two straws in the glass, only to pick it up off the table and bring it carefully to Harry's face. The curlyhead hesitantly put one of the straws in his mouth and took a small sip from it he twisted his mouth in disgust and i couldn't suppress a small grin. "You have to try again. The first sip never tastes good." I encouraged him and brought the straw to his mouth myself. I tapped the thin plastic lightly against his lips and finally he opened his mouth again.
Normally Gigi would have laughed at my boyfriend. Normally she wouldn't be so sober. When I thought about it, I actually hadn't seen her drink anything all night. I put a hand on Harry's knee. "Give me a minute, okay? I'll be right back." I did not wait for the younger one to answer, but I could practically feel his confused gaze lingering on my back as I got up and resolutely grabbed the hand of the petite young woman to pull her out of the armchair and drag her into the garden behind me. I gently closed the glass door to make sure whatever was to come stayed between us. Then I crossed my arms and cocked my head. "Spit it out."
Her eyes widened and she looked at me with disbelief overplayed by apparent serenity. "What?" she asked stupidly.
"Gigi dear. We've known each other for ages and I can't remember the last time you refused alcohol, especially when everyone around you was drunk. You haven't smoked all night either and I have the feeling you're trying to distance yourself from Zayn. You can't kid me you never could and you know it very well yourself. -so, spill."
She swallowed audibly and looked down. I felt like I had to hug her and that's exactly what I did. "I-I've got one hell of a problem Louis. Zayn will hate me. I can't do this."
Her voice cracked and she buried her face in the safe warmth of my chest. "What are you talking about, love? You would have to have done something really bad for Zayn to hate you. Come on. Tell me what happened."
She gently pulled away from the hug and took my hand by the wrist. then she pulled her t-shirt up so far that her abdomen was free and placed the palm of my hand on her lower stomach. She still didn't look me in the face. Instead, she sobbed in despair. It took me a split second to understand. "You...no way. But Gigi, that's no reason to burst into tears, it's great. What's the matter?"
"I'm fucking eighteen Louis." "I'm so sure you can do this. Zayn is amazing with children. I don't get what the problem is."
My hand was no longer on her stomach, but gently caressed her tear-stained cheek. "He will hate me." She repeated and it dawned on me.
"It's not his, is it?" "I don't know, fucking shit. I don't know when it happened. I..." "Have you slept with anyone but Zayn?"
She shrugged, embarrassed. "I wish I could tell you that Louis. I wish I knew. There was a house party two months ago. I was there with friends and I have no memories of the night. All I know is that I didn't wake up at home. I'm such a bad person Lou. I probably cheated on Zayn and can't even own up to it because I have no memory of it."
I looked at her pitifully. "You have to tell him. Do you want to keep it?"
"I know... yeah, I can't imagine killing it. I don't want to take a life." "You can't erase a life that hasn't started yet. At this point it's just a callous clump of cells that might one day give rise to life. It's your body, love. One way or another, Zayn will understand. I'm sure Gigi. Will you tell him now? It's your last opportunity to do so with me being here to support you."
"He's drunk." "He's responsible and understanding." I gave her shoulder an encouraging nudge.
"Sorry for ruining your last day here Lou."
-
Zayn had taken it like a champ.
At first, he was shocked. Then he reproached Gigi, which he immediately refuted himself by saying that something had probably been put into his girlfriend's glass or that she had been bottled. He knew Gigi loved him and whatever happened wasn't Gigi's fault. at least not really. She really has to not have been herself. Then they both cried, hugged each other tightly a little later and then Zayn made a heart-warming promise
If you want to keep it, then I will be a father to the child. Even if it might not be my own. I will love it ok? Just like I love you, Gigi. I have to take better care of you, although we don't know for sure whether it might not be mine after all. We don't know and that's terrible. But we all make mistakes, right? And the little one can't help it either. I'll take care of you both, okay? Always.
After we had all been emotionally lost in our thoughts for at least half an hour, Niall briefly left the room and came back with a handful of small zipper bags.
He handed each of us one and I saw Gigi roll her eyes. "Niall, I have no idea where you've been for the last hour, but I definitely can't do cannabis right now." Zayn gave Niall a warning look and then turned to me. "Lou... I don't really want to, but I think it's time to go. I've got a pregnant girlfriend to take care of."
I had dreaded this moment ever since I knew it was coming. I stood up and fell into the raven-haired man's tight hug. I was shocked to find that he was crying. Quiet and reserved, but he did it. Tears fell from the corner of his eyes and I had to control myself.
"Time is a bitch." He murmured. "Come over well, buddy. Thinking of you, yeah? Thanks for everything, you deserve the best."
"Take good care of Gigi, will you? Maybe we'll see each other again at some time. Love you, Bud." I smiled sadly. It was unfair that goodbyes were so sad. Especially if they were forever. I felt bad for doing it on my own will. When Gigi said goodbye, nothing held me anymore. She shed such bitter tears. "I will tell the child the best stories about Uncle Louis, they will love you so much." I took a deep breath and kissed her forehead. Zayn grabbed his girlfriend by the waist and pulled her away from me. Gently and carefully. She turned to her boyfriend and let him pick her up and carry her over the threshold. One last quick eye contact. One last 'goodbye'.
Harry's eyes were glassy when I turned back to the remaining people on the couch. My boyfriend still held onto his promise not to cry.
-
We all sat together in the garden. Passing on the meanwhile fourth joint from person to person. It was early in the morning. Maybe three thirty when Niall and Liam left. This farewell was a little more bearable for all of us because we were foggy in consciousness. It would only get worse in the next few days. Niall had given me a letter. It said 'from El' and I looked at it with distrust, I shouldn't open it until we were in Switzerland. It seemed very important to Niall. I had given Niall the leather bracelet we bought together in elementary school.
And then there were just Harry and I, laying in the grass, high and in love.
"I want you to tattoo your name on my arm."
"Bad idea, what if someday you'll find someone else and there's my name on your skin?"
"Then he'll know, that my first real love will always be part of me. Besides, who says I ever want anyone but you?" I shot him a warning look. We've already had that talk.
"And I also wanna be able to say, that we've got Tattoos Together"
"I like the thought... but my whole name is too much. I don't want it. You can have an 'L'. And I want a tattoo from you too."
His expression changed from triumphant to uncertain. "But I'm not creative and..." I shushed him and took pen and needle from the hand he held out to me.
Next morning, we woke up in the grass. Harry's forearm now had an 'L' -and my wrist had a small fish on it.
-
Saying goodbye to my family was the worst. Tears flowed like streams and Féli didn't understand. I took the little girl in my arms. "Princess...I, I won't be back. Never again. I'm going on a long journey to mom." She looked me in the eyes blankly. "Can I come with you? I want to go to mama too. Why are you leaving me alone?"
"This has nothing to do with you honey. I'll look down on you with mama and protect you, okay? And you have to promise me that you'll watch out for Hazzie so he doesn't do anything stupid. Can you do that for me?"
She nodded and took off her pink necklace. "Here, this is a lucky charm for you and can you bring mama the picture of the princess on horseback?"
I smiled at my baby sister. "Sure, she'll absolutely adore it."
When I had said my last goodbyes, Mark took us to the train station by car. He wanted to arrive the morning of my euthanasia to say goodbye one last time and bring Harry back home.
We sat in the train. I'd left the people I cared about behind now. My heart clenched when the thoughts shoot through: I wouldn't see my sister growing up. I wouldn't be there at Lottie's and Masons wedding. Gigi was pregnant with Zayn's child. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd never know. Maybe I would never find out how they named it, maybe I'd never see a picture of their little pumpkin.
Maybe I would. Fuck uncertainty.