"Give me your bathroom essentials so I can already pack them here."
I was on the floor, packing Kierra's clothes inside her luggage because when she tried to put all of them inside, she couldn't close it properly so I volunteered to pack her things for her. The way she packed them stressed me out. She was clearly not good at that. Nilabas ko tuloy lahat para itupi ulit nang maayos. Hindi pa nga niya nasasama ang ibang gamit niya, hindi na niya masara.
Tumayo siya mula sa kama ko at pumunta sa backpack niya para ibigay sa akin ang isang naka-roll na organizer. She gave me a cute smile while still holding her phone because she was busy watching travel vlogs to Jeju. A very excited girl. Nakahiga lang siya roon at nanonood habang inaayos ko ang gamit niya.
She had another small carry-on luggage where she put everything that couldn't fit inside her check-in baggage. Napasapo ako sa noo ko nang makitang punong-puno 'yon. I took everything out and tried to fit them inside the bigger luggage.
"See? Now, you still have some space left." Tumayo ako at tinapik ang maleta nang masara ko 'yon nang maayos.
"Wow, ang galing mo naman!" she said but she didn't look that amazed. She was more like teasing me.
Napailing ako sa kaniya at kinuha na ang luggage ko para 'yong sa akin naman ang maayos ko. Inuna ko 'yong sa kaniya. While I was busy with mine, I heard her answering a video call from her friends.
"Uy, sana all may kasama sa Pasko!" rinig kong sabi ni Luna. "Ang duga mo naman, Sam!"
"Cy, say hi to my friends." I also heard Sam's voice. "He's busy. Later na lang siya mag-hi... Naomi! Naomi, say hi to them! They're my friends!"
When I glanced at Kierra, I saw the people in the video call. It was her, Luna, Sam, and the other one with her camera off was probably Via. Yanna was not there. Sam put her arms around a smaller girl and laughed.
"Hello," the girl shyly greeted.
"Hello, Naomi! How are you?" Luna asked, smiling.
"How are you daw, love? Answer your Ate..." Samantha laughed, trying to convince the girl to talk to them but she kept on turning her back from the camera, getting embarrassed. "She's shy and doesn't want to talk. Busy sila ni Cy nag-aayos ng binili sa mall for New Year."
"Ang cute naman." I heard Via's voice. "Tahimik lang din siya noong charity event. Mahiyain talaga!"
"Sayang naman wala ako noon. Hindi ko siya na-meet." Kierra laughed a little. "Just say hi to your sister for me."
"Naomi, Ate Kierra wants to say hi!" sigaw ni Sam but the girl just waved her hand while doing something else. "She's staying with us until New Year. It will be such a fun celebration. I wish I could celebrate with you, girls." Samantha made a sad face.
"Sa Jeju kami magse-celebrate, eh... Kasama 'tong nasa likod na kanina pa nakikichismis sa video call natin." I was startled when Kierra suddenly extended her arm so I could get caught in the camera. I just waved to them.
"Oh, hi Shan! You're together pala!" sabi ni Sam.
"Hoy, Sundae! Ang kapal ng mukha mo! Inagaw mo ang posisyon ko sa pamilya ni Ke!" Of course, Luna would start a fight with me again.
"Ingay mo, Luna," sabi ko lang. Pinakita niya ang middle finger niya sa camera kaya tumawa ako.
"Ingat kayo," Via told us. "Malamig yata roon."
"I'll just hug her, Via," I joked. Samantha and Via laughed while Luna made a disgusted face.
"Ang corny n'yo..." sabi ni Via. "Pwede namang mag-jacket."
"Does she have a boyfriend?" curious na tanong ko kay Kierra.
"May boyfriend ka raw ba, Via?" Lumakas ang tawanan nila. I didn't even hear the answer. They just kept on laughing and teasing each other.
I couldn't understand their inside jokes anymore so I just went back to packing. Pagkatapos, I took a shower and got dressed in my pajamas, but Kierra was still on the call with her friends. They couldn't run out of things to talk about.
I went out to make her a watermelon drink since it was the only fruit available in the fridge. I didn't have strawberries with me. When I went back to my room, she was still smiling and laughing while listening to Luna.
"Thank you!" She gave me a smile that reached her eyes as soon as I handed the drink to her. "You can stay here if you want. Hindi naman kami nag-uusap tungkol sa mga controversial stuff..."
"Baka naman may marereto ka sa akin, Sunday!" sabi ni Luna nang umupo ako sa tabi ni Kierra at sinandal ang likuran sa headboard.
"Mayroon. Tawagan natin?" I got my phone and searched Kalix's contact. Pinakita ko ang screen sa kaniya. "Or if you want, you can just memorize the number and message him yourself."
"Over my dead body!" Inirapan niya ako. The girls kept on laughing and teasing her. "Oh, hi!"
They directed their attention to Naomi who was already wearing a small party hat and had a party horn in her other hand. She walked towards the camera to blow the party horn and laughed when Samantha covered her ears.
"Naomi, that's Summer's party hat!" I heard another man. It was probably Samantha's boyfriend, Clyden. It wasn't impossible to know. They had a lot of pictures and videos in Samantha's "close friends" on Instagram. I also already met him before.
"Advanced happy new year. May the next year be great for all of you!" Naomi said before walking away.
I was shocked when a new face joined the video call. Kierra immediately rolled over to keep me out of the camera. Hindi ko na tuloy makita.
"Sino 'yong tumawag sa 'kin? Nagluluto ako, eh!" I heard a guy's voice. "Ikaw siguro 'yon, Luna! Panggulo ka talaga!"
"Ulol mo, Sevi! Wala ka nang masabing matino! Magnu-New Year na kaya magbago ka na!"
Kierra looked at me and gave me a suspicious smile. Napakunot ang noo ko, hindi maintindihan kung ano ang ibig sabihin noon. Nakadapa na siya ngayon sa kama kaya hindi ko na makita. The drink was placed on the side table. Inabot ko na lang 'yon at uminom.
"Via, nasaan si Arkin?! 'Di ba magkasama kayo?! Miss ko na kamo siya!"
"Pakyu, p're. Sawa na 'ko sa mukha mo." I heard another man from the background.
"Ilan ba kayo?" I asked Kierra, confused about their friend group. She muted herself first before looking at me.
"Lima kaming girls, tapos two guys. Nagkakilala kaming lahat noong highschool," she explained. Lima... Yanna was probably included. Wala nga lang siya roon.
I didn't have any idea what time the video call ended because I already fell asleep beside Kierra on my bed. When I woke up for our flight, she was already in the dining area, eating bread. It was midnight and we didn't have that much time to spare so I already got ready for the flight.
"It's going to be cold outside," I told her when the plane landed. Sinuot ko sa kaniya ang beanie niya. She looked cute in that hat. "So, you should wear this already."
Our villa had limited rooms so Kierra and I had to stay in one room with separate beds. I wasn't planning to sleep beside her in the first place. Nakahiga siya sa sahig nang makarating kami. Kierra was easily cold. I noticed that about her. Mahina siya sa lamig kaya kahit ang init na, tinataasan ko pa rin ang temperature ng room.
"Anak, pinapahirapan mo si Shan," Kierra's dad told her. I immediately had the urge to defend Kierra. I was doing everything for her merely because I wanted to. I just liked giving her service.
That night, Kierra couldn't sleep properly because she was still cold. Naririnig ko siyang galaw nang galaw sa kama niya, hindi mapakali. I was trying to sleep but I couldn't because she kept on moving. Napaupo na lang ako sa kama ko at tiningnan siya. She was trying to cover her whole body with the blanket, including her head.
Tumayo ako at in-adjust ang heater. She pushed the blanket to show me her face. "Hello," she cutely greeted like she wasn't disturbing my sleep a while ago.
I sat on her bed and touched her cheek. It was blushing because of the cold. "Can't sleep? Are you cold?"
Tumango siya sa akin at ngumuso. I stood up and got the thickest sweater I had so I could put it on her. Tinaas niya ang dalawa niyang kamay nang isuot ko sa kaniya 'yon. "Warmer," she said. "Thank you!"
"I mean... I can also hug you for more warmth," I teased.
She laughed and slightly pushed me away. "Lagot ka kay Daddy kapag nakita niya."
"Hindi ba ako lagot sa 'yo?" I raised a brow.
She giggled and covered her face again with the blanket. I laughed and went back to my bed so I could continue my sleep. Maaga pa kami bukas dahil maraming pupuntahan.
Kierra and I had matching outfits for New Year's Eve. I loved our pictures. I wanted to post them, but I wasn't ready to tell my friends yet.
"Happy new year!" we greeted each other.
Kierra and I decided to walk around just to give ourselves some alone time... with each other. The smile on my face didn't go away as I watched her hop with joy while holding my hand and walking. She looked so happy. I wanted to protect that smile.
I picked a flower and gave it to her... out of habit. I just liked giving her flowers. She would always put them behind her ear. "Thank you!" sabi niya.
The fireworks were such a great sight but nothing could ever beat how Kierra's face lit up when she saw them. Tumingala ako at nanood pero naramdaman ko ang titig niya sa akin. I looked back at her and gave her a small smile.
"Masaya akong kasama kita. Thank you," she told me.
I stared at her face for a long time, battling the urge to kiss her, but I couldn't stop myself. I leaned and gave her the softest and most gentle kiss I could ever give. She closed her eyes and held my hand.
Kissing her like this felt different from the first time we kissed each other. How could one short kiss become so intimate?
It made me feel a lot of other things in my stomach and in my chest. It was the feeling of finally going to bed after being outside the whole day. The feeling of having your morning coffee on a rainy day. The feeling of listening to my favorite song for the first time again, or reading my favorite book the second time around. The feeling of waking up from a bad dream, and seeing the most important person beside me. Happy, calm, peaceful, and relieved.
At that moment, I knew what it was. "I keep on falling over and over again..."
And I wouldn't want to go back up anymore.
If only I could get another chance to re-live my life, I would not waste my time meeting different people. I wouldn't waste my time hating this feeling. I would find her earlier and be with her. Since I could not do that anymore, I could just wish...
I hugged her. "I could stay here forever."
***
"Forever mong pagsisisihan 'tong gabing 'to."
Iyon ang sabi ko kay Shan nang mag-offer siyang ihatid ang mga kaibigan ko. Hilong-hilo na rin ako habang nakasakay sa likod niya. Ni hindi ko alam kung paano kami nakarating sa sasakyan niya. Binaba niya ako sa shotgun seat bago tinulungan si Via na papasukin sina Luna sa loob ng sasakyan. Nauna na si Sam na pumwesto sa gitna, kumakanta at ginagawang microphone ang dalang bote ng alak.
"Did you order that?" nagtatakang tanong ni Shan.
"No, I got it from the other table!" Samantha giggled like she didn't just steal that bottle.
"Seatbelt, Luna." Abalang-abala rin si Via na suotan sila ng seatbelt bago siya pumwesto sa kabilang side ni Sam. Shan sighed heavily before going inside the car. He started the engine and drove away.
Nakapikit ako at nakahawak sa ulo ko, nahihilo dahil sa gumagalaw na sasakyan. Hindi rin matigil si Samantha kakakanta ng "Dancing Queen" at ang likot pa dahil sumasayaw kaya naaalog ang upuan ko. Si Luna ay kinukulit pa rin si Shan sa shirt na 'yon. Hindi niya makalimutan. Si Via ay nagtatanong kung nasaan ang sapatos ni Luna.
"Luna, saan mo nga nilagay? Wala na roon sa tinayuan natin kanina," tanong ulit ni Via.
"Shan, ibalik mo 'yon... Ibalik mo 'yon!" Inalog-alog ni Luna ang driver's seat.
"Nabalik ko na nga," sagot ni Shan.
"Luna, sagutin mo ang tanong ko. Saan mo nilagay ang sapatos mo? Branded pa naman 'yon. Sam, teka lang, huwag kang malikot. Huwag mong buksan ang bote at matatapon!" nagpa-panic na si Via. Mas lalo akong nahihilo.
"Nasusuka na ako..." Humawak ako sa braso ni Shan.
"Wait-"
"You can dance, oh yeah! You can jive! Having the time of your life! Oooh, see that girl!" Pinisil ni Samantha ang pisngi ko. "Watch that scene! Digging the dancing queen!" Sumayaw-sayaw ulit siya.
"Hala... Hala, nasaan ang sapatos ko? Shan, ibalik mo!" inis na sabi ni Luna.
"I don't know anything about your shoe!"
"Kanina ko pa 'yan tinatanong sa 'yo. Binato mo ba ang sapatos mo? Hindi ko na makita roon," Via told Luna again.
"Guys... Guys... Huwag kayong maingay, nasusuka na ako. Iiyak na ako rito, sige..." I bit my lower lip to stop the tears.
"Ke, don't cry... Oh God..." Shan tried to hold my hand. Tuluyan na akong umiyak. Palakas nang palakas ang iyak ko at nagsasabay na kami ni Samantha. Siya ay kumakanta, ako ay umiiyak. Si Luna ay nagwawala dahil hindi makita ang sapatos niya.
"Huwag mong buksan ang pinto, Luna!" sigaw ni Via, galit na.
"Hinahanap ko ang sapatos ko!" pagdadahilan niya. Bintana na lang ang binuksan niya at sumilip doon kaya hinatak siya pabalik ni Via. Kitang-kita ko ang ginagawa nila sa salamin.
Umiyak ako lalo. "Nahihilo na ako..." I sobbed. "Huwag ka mag-drive," sabi ko kay Shan.
"We won't be able to go home if I don't drive, Kierra," he calmly explained.
"Stop the car! Bababa na ako!"
Napamasahe siya sa sentido niya habang nagda-drive. Ang gulo-gulo ng nangyayari sa sasakyan. Halo-halo ang usapan at ang ingay. Hindi pa rin tapos si Samantha kumanta. Korean na ang kinakanta niya ngayon kaya mas lalo kong hindi maintindihan.
"Sam, is this where you live? Are you sure?" tanong ni Shan at pinakita ang phone niya.
"Don't ruin my performance!" sambit ni Samantha sa kaniya.
"Okay..." Napailing na lang si Shan at pinagpatuloy ang pagda-drive.
Napahawak ako sa bibig ko para pigilan ang masuka. Mabuti na lang at hininto na ni Shan sa tapat ng isang bahay ang sasakyan kaya dali-dali akong bumaba at sumuka sa plastic na binigay niya sa akin kanina. Hindi alam ni Shan kung ano ang uunahin niya dahil bumaba rin si Luna at tumakbo, hahanapin daw ang sapatos niya. Hinabol naman siya ni Via.
"I can walk! Don't worry! I can walk! Oh my gosh, Kierra, are you okay?!" Pagewang-gewang na naglakad papunta sa akin si Sam at hinagod ang likuran ko gamit ang isang kamay dahil ang isa ay may hawak na bote ng alak. "Omg, kawawa ka naman! Drink this na lang, oh!" Inabot niya sa akin ang bote ng alak.
Nang maamoy ko ay mas lalo akong nasuka. Hinawakan na siya ni Shan sa siko para ilayo sa akin at dalhin doon sa pintuan. He rang the doorbell while still looking at me, worried.
Tapos na akong sumuka kaya tinali ko na ang plastic at tinapon sa basurahan. Kinapa ko ang candy sa bulsa ko at nilagay 'yon sa bibig ko pagkatapos tanggalin ang wrapper. Nang bumukas ang pintuan ay naglakad na ako palapit sa kanila. Sumandal ako sa pader, nakahawak sa ulo ko.
Napakunot ang noo ng jowa ni Sam pagkabukas ng pinto. He pursed his lips when he saw the situation. "Again?" tanong niya kay Sam.
"Hi, I'm Shan. We already met before. I'm just here to drop her off," sabi naman ni Shan.
Inalalayan si Sam ng jowa niya at hinawakan sa baywang. Napasandal na lang ito sa dibdib niya, natahimik na ngayon. Pagod na siguro siyang kumanta.
"Let's go up na... Let's go up..." lasing na sabi ni Sam, hinahatak ang jowa niya sa damit. "Sexy time na, love, please..."
Tinakpan kaagad niya ang bibig ni Sam at napapikit nang mariin. "I'm sorry," seryosong sabi niya sa amin.
"She's... really drunk," natatawang sabi ni Shan.
"Thank you for taking her home..." Natigilan si Clyden nang may makita sa likuran namin. Napalingon din tuloy ako. "What is that?"
Nakita ko si Luna na nakikipaghabulan kay Via sa may damuhan at isa lang ang suot na sapatos. Nadapa pa siya at napagulong doon sa damuhan.
"That's... your girlfriend's friend..." hindi rin makapaniwala si Shan nang sumagot habang nakatingin kina Luna.
"Do you need help?" tanong ni Clyden.
Nilagay niya muna si Samantha sa sofa and the next thing I knew, Shan and Clyden were already carrying Luna to the car. She already passed out pagkatapos madapa. I think I just went sober when I saw my cousin.
Binigyan pa kami ni Clyden ng water bottles bago kami umalis. Hinatid namin si Via, ang natitirang matino sa mga kaibigan ko. Pagkatapos ay hinatid na kami ni Shan sa condo. Binuhat niya si Luna sa likuran niya at umakyat sa unit namin.
"Dito na lang siya." Binuksan ko ang kwarto ni Luna at nilapag siya ni Shan sa kama. Napapunas pa siya ng pawis niya sa sobrang pagod.
Kumuha rin ako ng bowl at nilagay sa side table ni Luna kung sakaling gigising siya at masusuka bigla. Pagkatapos ay lumabas na kami sa kwarto niya. Nagkatinginan kami ni Shan. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko.
"Pasensya ka na..." nahihiyang sabi ko.
"Do you want to sober up a little?" aya niya sa akin.
Tumango ako, ngunit nag-shower muna ako at nag-toothbrush dahil pakiramdam ko ang dumi-dumi ko na. Amoy sigarilyo na ang damit ko at pinawisan na rin ako. Nagsuka-suka pa ako. Noong nakapagbihis na ako ng simpleng sweater at shorts, pakiramdam ko ang linis ko na ulit.
Bumaba kami pagkatapos at naglakad papunta sa Yesterday's Coffee. Hindi sila 24/7 nagbukas ngayon, ah. Nagliligpit na ang mga staff niya nang makarating kami. Ang sabi ni Shan ay siya na raw ang magsasara ng store.
Naiwan kaming dalawa roon. Madilim na sa coffee shop at tanging ilaw na lang doon sa kitchen ang nagsisilbing liwanag sa amin. Umupo ako sa couch at pumunta naman si Shan sa counter para kumuha pa ng tubig at pagkain.
Umupo siya sa tabi ko at nilapag ang pizza. Kumuha ako roon at kumagat dahil pagkatapos kong isuka lahat, nagutom na rin ako. "Sorry talaga. Umalis ka tuloy kaagad sa birthday ng tropa mo..." Hiyang-hiya ako sa kaniya nang ma-realize ko ang mga nangyari kanina.
"Were you jealous?" seryosong tanong niya at tiningnan ako. Muntik na akong mabulunan sa kinakain ko.
"Hindi, ah..." Hindi ko pa masabi nang maayos. "Alam mo na! Nakainom kasi kaya ganoon! Kung ano-ano ang lumalabas sa bibig!"
Tumawa siya at hinawakan ang baba ko para mapatingin ako sa kaniya. Napaawang ang labi ko habang nakatitig sa mga mata niya.
"There's no need to be jealous," he said in his low voice. "I can't imagine myself with someone else other than you."
Matagal akong napatitig sa mga mata niya. Sa sobrang tahimik ay ang tibok lang ng puso ko ang naririnig ko.
"Mahal mo ba 'ko?" mahinang tanong ko dahil lang gusto kong marinig ulit.
The side of his lips rose, forming a small smile. "More than you could imagine."
I raised a brow because he was still staring at my eyes. "Bakit ka nakatingin?"
"I'm stopping myself from kissing you," he smoothly said. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa labi niya. "You're not helping at all."
Lumapit ako lalo sa kaniya, taunting him. He raised a brow and just watched me lean closer until our lips were just an inch away from each other. Umatras siya sa inuupuan niya para makalayo sa akin ngunit lumapit ako ulit.
"What do you want from me?" he asked, frustrated now.
"You're just fun to tease," pagsabi ko ng totoo.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang siya ang lumapit sa akin at hinawakan ang pisngi ko. He angled himself for a kiss, but he stopped inches away from my lips. He kissed the side instead. I bit my lower lip and looked away when my heart started beating faster.
"You have a crush on me," sambit niya sa akin. "You're blushing."
Natawa ako nang sarkastiko at napainom na lang ng tubig. I wouldn't try to defend myself on that one. Magmumukha lang akong tanga. My heart was saying the same thing.
"And so?" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay pagkalapag ko ulit ng baso sa table.
"And so... Nothing." He smiled and fixed my hair using his hand. "You're so beautiful."
"You are," sambit ko pabalik.
Natigilan siya at napatitig sa akin saglit nang marinig ang sinabi ko. Umiwas din siya at uminom ng tubig, tinatago ang ngisi. "Flattering."
Napangisi rin ako at uminom ng tubig. Nang maubos na ay tumayo ako at kinuha ang baso para mag-refill, pero hinawakan ni Shan ang palapulsuhan ko para pigilan ako. Ang sabi niya ay siya na ang kukuha.
"Ako na," sambit ko sa kaniya. "Nakatayo na ako, oh."
Nang hatakin niya ako ay napaupo ako sa binti niya. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat, hindi alam kung paano nangyari 'yon.
"There. You're seated," mahinang sabi niya.
Nahugot ko ang hininga ko nang hawakan niya ang pisngi ko at hinalikan ako. I automatically closed my eyes and put my arm around his neck to support my weight. He gave me a soft kiss before moving his lips. He nibbled on my lower lip as his hand went down to my waist, supporting my back so I wouldn't fall back.
I opened my mouth and allowed him to taste me. With that, he swiftly put me down on the couch, his hand at the back of my head. He hovered on top of me and continued kissing me. Pinalibot ko ang braso ko sa leeg niya habang tinatanggap ang mga halik niya.
He just kissed me more until we were both out of breath. We stopped and looked at each other. Hinahabol ko ang hininga ko, hindi makapagsalita. Nang umayos siya ng upo ay agad din akong napaayos. Nilagay ko ang dalawang kamay ko sa binti ko habang nakaiwas ng tingin na parang walang nangyari.
"I told you... I'll get you your water." He let out a small laugh before getting my glass. Tumayo siya at kumuha ng tubig.
Nanatili akong nakaupo roon at nakahawak sa dibdib ko, nahiya bigla sa nangyari. I bit my lower lip and looked away when he sat beside me again.
"Here's your water. I love you," sambit niya pagkalapag ng baso sa lamesa. Napaawang ang labi ko at nilingon siya. "Finally, you looked at me again."
Sigurado akong namumula na ang pisngi ko. "Thank you..." Uminom na lang ako ng tubig at umaktong walang nangyari. "Tara, bumalik na tayo."
Tumango siya at niligpit ang pinagkainan namin bago kami naglakad pabalik sa condo. Hinatid niya pa ako sa tapat ng unit. "See you yesterday," paalam niya bago ako hinalikan sa noo.
"See you yesterday," sabi ko pabalik bago sinara ang pinto.
Kinabukasan, pumunta nga siya sa condo nang maaga. Nagising ako nang marinig ang doorbell. Litong-lito pa ang mukha ko at magulo ang buhok habang si Shan ay nakaayos sa harapan ko at suot ang barista uniform ng Yesterday's Coffee. May dala siyang mga kape.
"Breakfast delivery," nakangiting sabi niya sa akin. "And... some hangover cure for you and Luna. You look beautiful in the morning, by the way."
"Pucha!" Napatakip ako sa mukha ko at tumakbo sa C.R. para maghilamos. Hinayaan ko na lang siyang pumasok sa condo. Nagising na rin si Luna pagkalabas ko, masakit ang ulo.
"Thanks, bro," sabi niya kay Shan na inabutan siya ng breakfast. Nakasimangot pa rin siya dahil sa sakit ng ulo. Ni hindi siya makakain.
Pagkapunta kong dining ay dumeretso ako sa likod ni Shan at sinandal ang pisngi ko roon dahil medyo masakit din ang ulo ko. Pinalupot ko rin ang braso ko sa baywang niya.
"Kierra, you need to eat," sabi niya sa akin.
Bakasyon ko na kaya naman mas marami na akong oras. Si Shan, bakasyon niya pero papasok na ulit siya siguro next week or sa susunod pa noon. Akala ko naman ay makakapagbakasyon kami for two months or something!
May pasok na siya noong umalis kami ng family ko papuntang Bataan. Nagbakasyon ako roon saglit bago bumalik sa Manila. Isang buwan kaming hindi nagkita ni Shan pero nag-uusap naman kami sa phone. Lumuluwas lang akong Manila kapag may pupuntahang event katulad ng birthday pero uuwi rin kaagad. Hindi lang siya makasunod dahil sobrang busy niya sa law school.
Noong birthday ni Sevi ay bumalik na talaga akong Manila. May small surprise party si Elyse para sa kaniya. Kinabukasan, inayos ko na ang gamit ko sa condo. Umuwi nga lang si Luna sa kanila that day kaya mag-isa ako.
Hindi ko sinabi kay Shan na bumalik na ako ng Manila. Bumaba lang ako saglit at pumunta sa Yesterday's Coffee para silipin kung naroon siya. Nang makitang abala siya sa counter at seryosong-seryoso. Naglakad ako papasok at pumunta sa counter para um-order.
"Hello, welcome to Yesterday's Coffee. May I know your order?" he asked without looking at me. Nakatingin lang siya sa monitor.
"Can I order your barista?"
Napakunot ang noo niya at umangat ang tingin. Nang makita niya ako ay nanlaki ang mga mata niya at napaawang ang labi. I didn't expect him to suddenly take off his apron and walked out of the counter.
Tumakbo siya at mahigpit akong niyakap. Tumawa ako at niyakap siya pabalik, hinahaplos ang buhok niya.
"I missed you," bulong niya sa akin.
"I missed you!" sambit ko rin pabalik.
I spent the remaining days of my vacation with him. Doon na ako nag-stay sa condo niya. Minsan, uuwi siyang pagod na pagod na pero nagluluto pa rin siya para sa dinner namin. Madalas, nag-aaral siya hanggang madaling-araw. Hindi ko alam kung natutulog pa ba siya dahil maaga rin siyang umaalis para pumasok.
I became his moral support. No matter how tired he was, he would always give me a smile as soon as he entered the door. He never showed me negative feelings. He would always act as if his day went so well, although I knew there were bad days. He never made me feel like he had those. He said he just didn't want to pass the negative vibe to me.
Then, fourth year na ako so I went back to the condo. Naging busy na naman ako. I would still visit my doctor kapag nagkakaroon ako ng oras. I told her more stories about Miguel.. like how I started to wear sweaters to hide the bruises. How I would skip school and go home late so Luna will not worry about me. How everything was rooted in jealousy.
Sinira ko ang koneksyon ko sa mga kaibigan ko. Natakot akong malaman nila. Natakot din ako sa pwedeng gawin ni Miguel sa kanila. Sinira ko ang relasyon ko sa mga kaibigan ko... kaya nahirapan akong bumuo ulit ng koneksyon noong una.
But in my progress list... I showed my doctor that I was already starting to open myself to new friendships... to new relationships.
"Have you told him yet?" tanong ni Dr. Peja sa akin.
"About?"
"Your feelings... The one you just told me." She gave me a small smile. "That you like the person you become when you are with him. That you feel safe, at peace, and happy whenever you are with him."
And I also told her that just by having Shan's presence around me, I felt like nothing could go wrong. He looked at things more positively than I did. He was... braver. I admired him.
"What do you call these feelings?" tanong niya ulit.
I bit my lower lip and shook my head. "It's... hard to say it."
"Then, how about what you are feeling for yourself?"
Napaisip ako. "I could... look at myself now in the mirror without feeling like I am disgusted with myself. I also smile, laugh, and have fun without feeling guilty... and I'm starting to feel hopeful for myself. I am starting to feel hopeful to build relationships with other people again."
"Self-empathy is very important in your healing process. It allows you to reconnect with others and build relationships with them as you also reconnect yourself to that part of you that you think is worth loving. How you see yourself is important. Positive definitions of yourself allow you to create positive experiences in the future."
"I... I don't hate myself anymore..." I gave her a small smile. That was the first time I said it like that.
"That is such a good thing to say. Your love is yours to give, Kierra. You don't need to allow anyone to take it away from you."
My love is mine to give.
"And to be loved by you will probably feel amazing... because that love came from a brave... and strong woman like you. Your love is yours. You are allowed to feel it and express it again."
I didn't notice that I was already tearing up. I was not hurt. I just felt too relieved after hearing what I wanted to hear all along.
"Love is not just felt with a romantic partner, but also with your family and friends. You share the love with these people, which also probably helped you find the inspiration to love again, just like how you told me about how your father described love. You said you were hopeful because of that. You found inspiration in the love of others, and that is something good for your journey to healing."
I wiped the tears from my eyes and laughed a little. "Thank you..." I felt like something heavy was taken out of my chest because I always felt like letting myself love again was like betraying myself... like why would I let myself go through that again? But my hopes for love became stronger than my doubts. The guilt started to ease... and maybe because she was right. I found inspiration from the love of the people around me.
My love is mine to give.
Shan was already waiting at the lobby of the condo when I went back. Pagkaakyat namin sa unit ay wala si Luna. Nag-order lang kami ng takeout from a Chinese restaurant at umupo sa sahig para kumain sa coffee table.
I told him how my day went, and he also told me his. I told him I went to my doctor again. "That's good. I'm proud of you every day..." Hinaplos niya ang buhok ko.
Napatitig ako sa kaniya, overwhelmed by my feelings. I... had never felt so calm before. I gave him a small smile and slowly leaned to give him a kiss on the cheek.
"Do you love me?" tanong ko ulit. I just had to hear it repeatedly because having someone love me despite everything that happened made me feel like I was still deserving of love.
Not just from other people... but from myself as well.
He kissed my forehead. "I love you, always, forever, and beyond."
I stared at him and admired him. My lips formed a small lazy smile. "Would you also allow me to give my love to you?" I asked.
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:)