"Yet another murder case!" Ranpo giggled. "The city police are lacking as ever, I see... they would never catch a single criminal without my support. My super deduction skill is the best in this agency... no, in the whole country! No wonder they rely on me so much!"
"Eh- Ranpo-San, that book you're stepping on," Atsushi began nervously. "It belongs on the shelf."
"Oh, my apologies!" He trilled, lifting his leg, allowing Atsushi to pick up the book. "Go right ahead."
"We'll be counting on you, Ranpo-San," Kunikida smiled.
"Most right, Kunikida!" Ranpo nodded. "You call yourselves a detective agency, but your deduction powers are below that of a monkey! All of you merely live off the leftovers of my deduction!"
"Yeah, it sure is useful," Kenji agreed. "That skill and you instantly know everything about a case!"
"Truly, the ideal detective - no, the ideal skill user," Kunikida added.
"Second to none," you hummed.
"Lad, we all have it covered, so please go with Ranpo-San and L/N-San," Kunikida requested. "It will be a short trip by train."
"You want me to assist on such a significant case?!" Atsushi panicked.
"Don't be silly," Ranpo drawled. "I am no second rate detective. Assistance is hardly necessary."
"Huh..? So what then?" Atsushi asked.
"I need somebody to show me how to use the train," he grinned.
"But what about L/N-San!" Atsushi defended.
"The print on the train timetables is too small for me to read," you sighed. "I only join so that I have something to do. Occasionally, I bet with Ranpo-San on who can solve the case faster."
Atsushi groaned in defeat and joined the two of you, with Ranpo and you talking through the entire train ride while Atsushi awkwardly sat opposite you. It wasn't long before you'd arrived, only to be scolded the moment you entered the site.
"You're late, detective!" The lead investigator glared.
"Hm? Who are you?" Ranpo asked. "Where's Yasui-San?"
"I'm Minoura," he introduced himself. "I took over this case from Yasui-San. Our department is handling this case, and we don't need you or your lousy agency."
"Oh rubbish! A master detective like me is always in need for difficult cases like these!" Ranpo scoffed.
"I'd never ask a hack agency for help on this," the investigator snarled.
"And why is that?" You asked.
"Because the victim... was my own subordinate," he choked out.
He knelt down and removed the large cloth which covered the body, showing a beautiful young woman wearing a beautiful watch, harbouring three bullet shots in her chest.
The mark of the Port Mafia.
"The body was discovered floating in the river this morning," one of the officers explained.
"A woman..?" Ranpo gaped.
"Three shots in the chest, that's all we know," the officer sighed. "We don't have a crime scene, time, or even bullets that we can examine."
"So... who did it?" Atsushi asked, only for you to slap him upside the head.
"If we knew, we'd be home by now!" You hissed.
"And from what I know from working with her, was that she didn't have a lover," the lead investigator added.
"Well, it sounds to me, like you know nothing," Ranpo snorted.
"That's why we can't leave this case to an amature like you," Minoura spat out. "Just get out of-"
"Sir! We caught something in our net!" The team announced, hauling up the net.
"How much do you wanna bet it's reinforcements," you smirked.
"Oh definitely," Ranpo nodded along.
"What's that?" Atsushi asked.
"We have a net in the river to ensure that no evidence floats away," an officer explained.
"It's a body!" Another one gasped. "There's a body in the river!"
"What?!"
"No way!"
"A second victim?!"
"Why, Atsushi-kun! Hard at work as always, huh?" The body trilled.
"Another drowing attempt?" Atsushi sweatdropped.
"Dying alone is so old-fashioned, Atsushi-kun," Dazai began. "Our lovely visitor earlier convinced me. When it's time to die, nothing is better than a lovers' suicide. What could be more mournful than shuffling off this mortail coil alone!"
"Assuming you don't die alone, of course," you scoffed, untying the net around him.
"Ah, but I shall still seek a lovely woman to perish with me," Dazai shrugged.
"And your current condition?" Atsushi asked.
"Oh this? I was simply swept up by the river!" Dazai beamed, falling in your arms.
"Don't go falling for me again, now," you muttered so only he could hear, dropping him and dusting yourself off.
"Mean!" Dazai pouted, but got up to look at the body nonetheless. "My God! A young flower, in the prime of her life... cruelly robbed of her very future! What a tragedy! Oh how this pains me.... if only we could have given up the ghost together..!"
"Who is this?" Minoura asked, concerned by the sight of Dazai.
"A coworker and an enigma, even to me," Ranpo introduced.
"Fret not, my poor victim. The world's greatest detective shall wipe away your regrets!" Dazai beamed. "Won't you, Ranpo-San?"
"They have not yet requested my assistance," Ranpo huffed. "What a conundrum for a master detective."
Just then, his eyes landed on the meek officer from before.
"Hey you," Ranpo called. "What's your name?"
"Me?!" He gaped, continuing once Ranpo nodded. "Officer Sugimoto! I worked under the late Ms. Yamagiwa, sir!"
"Okay, Sugimoto-kun! You're the detective now!" Ranpo grinned. "Solve this case for us within sixty seconds!"
That was enough to send the officer into a panic as he hunted for clues, while you stopped the clock, waiting for him to come to a half-assed conclusion.
"About Yamagiwa-Senpai! Her beat was pursuing political corruption and mafia activity!" The officer stammered. "And also, this is how the mafia kills their targets, right? Maybe she was killed by someone in the mafia she was investigating..?"
"Wrong," you interrupted. "A mafia hit is akin to a calling card. It is proof of their presence. The mafia modus operandi for traitors is to first force them to bite the curb... and then deliver a kick to the back of their head, shattering their jaw."
"As the victim writhes in pain, they turn the poor soul around, and fire three shots in the chest," Dazai finished. "Though it resembles their methods, this is not the mafia's handwork. In other words.."
"The killer was trying to deceive us...!" The lead investigator realised.
"So the culprit shot the victim twice more just to make it look like a mafia job..?" Sugimoto mumbled. "Awful."
Your breath hitched and you made eye contact with Ranpo and Dazai, both confirming the same detail that you'd caught. Just then, the buzzer blared, indicating that the sixty seconds time were over.
"That's certainly not master detective material there," Ranpo shrugged, patting the officer's head.
"Listen you, all I've been hearing so far is 'master detecitve' this, and 'deduction' that, all that dime novel nonsense!" Minoura snapped. "An investigation is all about careful research, questioning and evidence gathering!"
"Huhhhh?" Ranpo drawled, clearly unamused. "You still don't get it, do you? Master detectives don't 'investigate'. Once I trigger my super deduction skill, I'll immediately know the who, the when, and the how! And not only that, I'll know where the evidence is and how to make the killer confess, like a divine revelation."
"Don't give me that bullshit!" Minoura snarled. "If you had that kind of power, the whole force would be out of their jobs!"
"Indeed they would," Ranpo smirked. "It's about time you came to understand that!"
Minoura grit his teeth, evidently ready to punch your coworker.
"Now now, detective," Dazai intervened. "Ranpo-San always behaves in this manner."
"Yes! My motto, after all, is 'as long as I'm good, everything's good!'" Ranpo grinned.
______________________
Edogawa Ranpo:
Motto: if I'm okay,
everything's okay!
______________________
______________________
Dazai Osamu:
Motto: A pure, bright
dignified suicide
______________________
______________________
Nakajima Atsushi:
Motto: All is good as
long as I'm alive
______________________
______________________
L/N Y/N:
Motto: children cannot
be the only ones who
ever get to melt down
______________________
"Well then, prove it," Minoura demanded. "Show me your ability!"
"Oh?" Ranpo smirked. "Is that a formal request?"
"Yes! A request for you to make an ass out of yourself!" Minoura laughed.
"A shame you could not be this cooperative from the start," Ranpo hummed.
"You sure brim with confidence, considering the utter lack of info to work with," Minoura snorted. "Should I count sixty seconds for you too?"
"I won't need that long!" Ranpo laughed.
"Keep your eye on him, Atsushi-kun," Dazai instructed. "His skill is what keeps the agency going."
"So, you know the perp?" Minoura asked as soon as Ranpo straightened up again.
"I do!" He trilled.
"I must say, I don't think you're telling the truth," Minoura smirked. "Go on then, who is it?"
Ranpo slowly pointed his finger past the crowd of officers, before settling on Officer Sugimoto from earlier.
"The killer is you," he deduced.
Minoura immediately burst out laughing, causing you to pinch the bridge of your nose. Ranpo was right, Dazai and you had decuded that much. You knew who the killer was, as well as a time estimate for when the murder could have happened, not that it was difficult to figure out. But the sheer lack of belief from the investigator's side was quick to annoy you. After a few minutes of discussion, Ranpo demanded to see Sugimoto's handgun.
"A-are you mad?" Sugimoto stammered. "If I handed over my handgun to a civilian, I'd face a pay cut or even worse!"
"Exactly, this is a complete waste of time," the investigator nodded. "You detectives are nothing more than loudmouths."
"If you examine the gun, and find nothing, then yes I am nothing but a loudmouth," Ranpo challenged.
"Hmph, I've had enough of this," Minoura sighed. "Show it to him, Sugimoto."
"H-huh?" He gaped.
"After all that yammering, that oughta be enough to send him packing," the investigator scoffed. "Give him the gun, time's wasting here."
When the officer didn't do as requested, Minoura turned around to face him, getting increasingly sceptical.
"Even in a town like this, your average citizen wouldn't know how to load a gun," Ranpo began.
"Why the silence, Sugimoto?" Minoura croaked out.
"Because he's thinking about how he'll ever explain three missing bullets," Ranpo smirked.
"Sugimoto! You couldn't possibly be the killer!" Minoura yelled. "Just give him the damn gun already!"
The officer immediately held up his gun, pointing it straight at Ranpo. Dazai was quick to shove Atsushi into the scene, allowing the newcomer to pin the opponent down and apprehend him.
"Let me go!" Sugimoto writhed. "I have nothing to do with this!"
"There's no getting away now," Ranpo giggled. "You killed her early yesterday morning at the abandoned shipyard 140 metres upstream."
"Wha-? How did you-" Sugimoto sputtered, but Ranpo didn't let him finish.
"And once your men head there, they should find both your footprints and the victim's, as well as some blood you missed during the cleanup," Ranpo finished.
"Why?" Sugimoto choked out. "No one should have known..."
"Let's continue this at the office," the investigator sighed, arresting his subordinate. "Or rather... your former office, as the case may be."
With that, all of you proceeded to the office, with Ranpo and Minoura interrogating Sugimoto while Dazai, Atsushi and you watched from behind the mirror-back window.
"I didn't mean to shoot her," Sugimoto began. "She was investigating a major corruption case. Apparently, she had enough evidence to take down a high-ranking legislator. But the man was no fool. He used a spy in the police, and tried to destroy the evidence."
"And that spy... it was you, correct?" Ranpo checked.
"I've always looked up to the police," Sugimoto choked out. "That politician approached me after I failed the police exam for the third time. He said he could help me get on the force. With his aid, I became an officer, and in turn, I became his eyes."
"You're just the dog of some politician?!" Minoura gaped. "Is this why you killed Yamagiwa?"
"N-no! You're wrong!" Sugimoto stammered. "I wanted to warn her.. to tell her to ditch the case before they rubbed her out! But she didn't listen."
"Now that you were a murderer, your days on the force were numbered," Ranpo continued. "And ironically enough, in your confused state, there was only one person you could rely on. So you called the legislator, who told you how to hide the evidence. You followed his words, fired two more shots in her body to make it resemble a mafia hit. Then, to delay the discovery, you threw her in the river."
"So where's the evidence you took from Yamagiwa!" Minoura snarled, slamming his hand onto the table. "That man has her blood on his hands! Tell me, Sugimoto!"
"Sugimoto-kun... care for me to guess her last words?" Ranpo whispered, causing the criminal to freeze up. "I'm sorry."
Thus, the interrogation was concluded, allowing all of you to return to the agency.
"Ranpo-San was simply amazing!" Atsushi awed. "His Super Deduction was right about every detail!"
"I'd say," Dazai nodded. "I've figured about half of it."
"Figured out..?" Atsushi asked. "What do you mean?"
"About what you said, how Ranpo-San was able to fully deduce the case," Dazai hummed.
"Huh? Well he used his skill, so..." Atsushi trailed off.
"Ah, you still don't know then," you realised. "Truth is, Ranpo-San is not a skill user."
"What?!" Atsushi gasped.
"He's an oddity amid all the skill users at the agency - a normal individual without an ability," Dazai explained.
"But how..?" Atsushi awed. "How did he know the time and place of the murder?"
"If you see a corpse with three bullet wounds, you'd likely assume they were shot at the same time," you began. "Bang, bang, bang, dead. You wouldn't know the order without an autopsy, yet Sugimoto correctly stated that two extra shots were fired just to make it seem like a mafia hit."
"He knew that the victim died on the first shot," Atsushi realised. "Without the autopsy, he'd only have known if he did it. But that doesn't explain how he knew the place, he said early yesterday morning, yes?"
"The body exhibited little decay, meaning it couldn't have been in the river for longer than a day," Dazai explained. "Not only that, but she was in street clothes without any makeup. Yesterday was Tuesday, a weekday, and as a busy detective the only time she would be in her civvies is in early morning."
"But how'd he know about the crime scene? Or the way he threatened her?" Atsushi sputtered, lost.
"That I'm lost about as well," Dazai shrugged. "It seems his eyes see more than a regular detective can."
"And the last words? How'd he guess those correct?" Atsushi pressed.
"Ah, about that," you nodded. "The detective said she was not romantically involved with anyone.. but her watch was a namebrand import. Nothing a single woman would usually buy for her own sake. The officer, meanwhile, wore the men's version of the exact same model."
"So the two of them were..?" Atsushi guessed, eyes softening in pity.
"She agreed to see him early in the morning without wearing any makeup, and they wore the same kind of branded watch," Dazai listed. "The two were lovers, and they kept it a secret at work. As such, he refused to curb stomp her, despite knowing the mafia story would hold no weight."
"Is it clear to you now, Atsushi-kun?" You asked.
"About what?" The boy asked.
"Ranpo-San's attitude, and why not a soul at the agency ever rebukes him for it."
A/N: the motto is a slightly changed quote from the book this ability is based off lmao
gotta love putting in too much time into researching things so that it doesn't mess with the overall theme of the manga