Yesterday continued to go downhill. It seemed the deeper into the east we went, the harder it was for us to work through the argument. With Arkansas and Mississippi now in our rear view, it was just Alabama and Georgia keeping us from our destination. We still hadn't picked a town. That's what we were supposed to do yesterday, but the fight had caused us to forget about that.
Staton was seated in the driver's seat. His hands gripping the wheel tightly as he focused intently on the road. This was our of character for us. We would usually solve our problems within hours of having the fight. We definitely never went to bed angry, but last night when Staton pulled himself away from me to sleep as far away as he could, I knew we were in for the long haul.
The thing is I still couldn't really figure out what I had done that was so horrible to him. I don't remember attacking him directly, all I remember was being upset that he had been keeping stuff from me.
We had been driving for a few hours now. Staton got up earlier than I had expected, just to push past me and get on the road. I'd spent a few more hours in bed, trying to give him as much space as possible, but that wasn't really an option in the van life.
"Babe," I paused, waiting to see how he would respond. A slight mumble from him in acknowledgment was all I got.
"Do you want me to make you something for lunch?" I felt like there was nothing else I could do. I wanted to open up the conversation so we could work through this.
"No." Was all he replied. My heart sank, as I sat in the chair next to him. He seemed tense, annoyed, and hurt. His face contouring in a multitude of emotions.
"Listen, I'm sorry, I'm not sure I fully understand why you are mad from yesterday or what I did or say that made everything worse. I'd love if we could talk about it and work through it." Before I could stop myself, the comments were out there. Staton tapped his fingers on the steering wheel for a moment, stopping as if he was going to turn and say something before he went back to just gripping the wheel as if his life depended on it.
Large tree whizz past the van following the freeway. I hadn't felt like we'd been driving for only four days. We were stuck in some kind of time loop and this just felt like normal now, except for the fighting.
"Well, if you don't want to talk about that, then can we at least talk about where we are going to go? I think we should head straight for the coast, find a parking lot on the beach we can sleep in, maybe spend a few nights there before working our way inland?" I searched his face looking for any spark of interest, of any sign that showed I was getting through to him. It was useless though as Staton was like a brick wall.
"That sounds great." He spoke, and his words were shallow and short. I had no clue how I was going to fix this.
I played on my phone. Watched out the window. Attempted to play the punch buggy game, and even took a nap. The hours seemed to click by on the clock but we never felt closer to our destination. Up until our fight yesterday I would have said that things were going really well. But now that we were here, I wasn't so sure anymore.
"We don't have that much longer, only an hour or two until we are officially in South Carolina. Isn't that exciting?" I knew I was talking out loud but I hadn't expected to get any answers. I hadn't all day so what would make this phrase any different. At this point I needed to talk just to hear something other than the same three songs on the radio.
"Damn Maple, I don't know how you do it." His voice startled me, making me drop the utensils I was using to make myself something to eat. We hadn't had lunch. Neither of us was willing to move from our place or talk to the other to initiate eating. After a few more hours like that, I just couldn't take it anymore and I needed some food.
"Do what?" I was nervous to ask, fearing that I would say the wrong thing again.
"I'm so mad. I'm so mad that you think my mom texting me is such an important thing that I have to tell you. But God dammit you've been sitting over there so fucking cute all day, and I just can't take it anymore." Finally, we got something. I wasn't trying to be any cuter than normal but if that was what it would take to get Staton to finally open up to me then I would take it.
"I'm sorry. I know we are on different pages when it comes to that whole topic. I'm not trying to say you had to tell me, or you needed to tell me. I'm sorry I was so shocked. I guess If I hadn't been so selfish I would have been able to see that not everyone had left on bad terms with their parents. So while I was trying as hard as I could to forget mine and never see them again, others could have been miserable without."
"Others are miserable without." Staton corrected me.
"Are you miserable?" His words shot through my like lightning. I wasn't sure how to respond to his comment. I never got the impression that Staton had been miserable on this trip. But was I really so self centered that I couldn't see how I really came off around people.
"No, I'm not miserable, but damn it would have been nice if I could have called or FaceTime my momma more. I wish she would have been a part of our wedding. She did nothing wrong and I'm putting her through all this pain, the least I can do is keep her updated on our travels. Let her know that we are doing okay and making it out here in this world."
"You are so right, and I'm so sorry I couldn't have been sensitive to that fact. I never thought about how others felt about leaving their parents. We are just a bunch of young people barely older than teenagers trying to figure out where we fit in. I shouldn't have made that harder for everyone else." I wondered If Aria and Julia felt the same way. Breygan had me so pissed off most of the time I couldn't even fathom how I would have been able to sit down and think about his feelings.
"It's not about being right all the time Maple, I just want you to understand that I am going to keep my parents updated, and I know that terrifies you, because if my parents have the information than your mother surely does. I'm sorry I can't help that, but there's only so much time on this earth and I would pick you every single day, but that doesn't mean I have to give them up." I shook my head, agreeing with every single word he was saying. All of this just made me feel more like a child. How could he have been so mature in the situation and allowed me to be so self-centered for as long as I had been? It's been months of me ignoring the fact that anyone else had feelings or a relationship with their parents.
"And that's why Aria and Julia talked to you once they got home and never reached out to me. I was never a good friend to them once we left on this trip."
"Well, I wouldn't say that was true, but the dynamic definitely worked better before we left. I also don't think you should blame yourself for anyone else's actions. We all made the decision together that day. We never forced anyone to come with us. Well, I guess Aria kind of forced Julia to come, but in the end they went home. We decided to continue on this journey, and that's on us. Our choices will affect us. I can't control what they are thinking or doing. But if you wanted to keep that friendship alive, then yeah, I would recommend reaching out to them."
I hadn't realized I was still standing at the kitchen counter, grabbing whatever microwave meal I could muster and taking my seat next to Staton to eat my food. I needed to sit down to really think about what was going on in my life. I needed to figure out how to apologize to not lose my friends. Hopefully I would make more friends wherever we went, but that would never replace the ones I had back home.
"I'll text them."
"Look, I love you so much, I don't mean to harp on you so harshly with this, I just wanted you to know where I"m coming from. Anyways, look over there, it's the state sign." Staton points to the side of the freeway. Finally, the South Carolina sign zooms past us. I couldn't help myself when my hand shot up and waved at what would soon become our new home.
Grabbing my phone out of my pocket, I began to formulate my text message to my friends. I went to the group chat between Aria and Julia and I, looking through some of the old messages before typing up a new one.
'Listen guys, I'm so freaking sorry. I never understood what you guys were going through. I just finished talking to Staton, and he really opened my eyes to how selfish I had been while you guys were down here with us. I never gave either of you the chance to miss your parents or show any signs of missing home without harping on you. That wasn't fair. Just because I was running away from something bad didn't mean everyone else was, and I'm sorry for not realizing that while you were still here with us. I miss you guys and I was a little hurt when I hadn't heard from you in so long, especially just to hear that you had made it home safely. I hope you are fixing those relationships with your families, and I'm going to try to do better to not just be so caught up in my head. I love you guys and miss you.'
Feeling good enough about that message, I sent it. Placing my phone on the dash of the van to eat my meal. It had cooled off now way more than I would have liked, but I couldn't bring myself to stand up and put it back in the microwave. It would have to do for now. Maybe tonight, we would be able to go somewhere to eat. Somewhere that wasn't too expensive, as we would still have to get jobs to pay for gas.
"I'm thinking about working for my dad remotely." Staton pops off, as if he could read my thoughts. I turned to look at him, pure shock taking over my entire face. Was he inside my head?
"Where did that come from?"
"I don't know, just this whole selfish conversation got me thinking, and I didn't want you to feel like you had to get a job just to support us as a whole. I have a great situation with my parents. My dad said I can run the numbers and keep track of all the online stuff for him so he can have some more time to spend with my mother. He said for fear that she was going to run away too, but either way, if it brings them together, I'd love to help out, and it pays pretty well. It'd be enough for us to pay for gas and some good food, that's for sure. Maybe if we save up enough, we can even buy a house. I think it would be a good thing for us. It just means you would have to drive during the day if we are driving anywhere. Most of my work can be done at any time, but I may need to answer phones and such every so often."
Staton was rambling, but I knew it was a great idea.
"I love it, I think you should do it."