Third Person PoV
Classes ended and currently, as promised, Suzune was making her way back to Kiyopon's room. She brought some grocery along the way to fill Kiyopon's fridge.
' Ayanokoji-kun's been eating better now...' She thought before sighing, 'But he still couldn't taste anything....'
Suzune worried if the symptom relating to lack of taste was either due to an unsuspecting virus that he may have caught, or was it simply due to his depression. Suzune hoped that it was the latter since viruses are often dangerous, especially if it's new and has no known cure for it.
' I should stop assuming the worst...' She scolded herself for that.
Kiyopon is doing fine. That's what she believes, that's what she's seen for the past week. He'll get better.
She arrives at his door and begins searching through her bag for her key.
".....Ah....I left it in there, didn't I...." She sighed in disappointment. She'd forgotten to grab her key, and thus, it was left in Kiyopon's room.
Well, it's not an issue. She can just knock.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*Knock*
" Ayanokoji-kun, I left my key in your room. Could you let me in?" She raised her voice a bit.
She waited a few minutes....
" Ayanokoji-kun?" She knocked once more.
Her call was met with silence.
Suzune's panic activated and she began knocking rapidly on the door.
" Hey! Answer me already!" She said in a desperate tone. She didn't what was going on behind the door, nor why he was silent.
But she's already panicking because he might be hurting himself again, pushing her away, closing himself from everyone else. She didn't want him to go through that again, not when he was seemingly getting better.
The door opened.
His hand stopped her knocking motion, she flinched and quickly looked at him with widened eyes.
"....What's wrong?" He asked.
A sense of relief flooded over Suzune. Perhaps nothing went wrong, after all...
That is, until she felt something off about his eyes.
It had the same feeling of when he stared at her with anger and pain, the first time she visited since he locked himself in his room.
His gaze felt fake.
"....A-Are you okay?" She subconsciously stuttered while asking.
" I'm fine, Horikita." He replied like normal.
She narrowed her eyes at that response.
"....." For some reason, she couldn't believe him now. Something has definitely happened and to confirm it.....
She brushed past him without a word and entered his room.
Her mouth parts in suprise but quickly returned to its thin line.
The room was a mess.
Things that previously on the counters, tables, and shelves were now all on the ground and furinitures were also displaced.
She clenches her fist.
" You were lying to me.....you were trying to lie to me....again." She said in a low voice.
"..." Kiyopon didn't say anything and instead closed the door. He walked past her and sat on his bed in silence.
" Are you just going to stay silent? This is the wrong time to stay silent, Ayanokoji-kun." She said.
"...."
" Why..." She took a few steps towards him, " Why is your room like this? Did something happen?" she stopped right in front of him.
"...Horikita, I know this is troublesome for you but you don't have to pry into it. I can deal with it on my own-"
" That's not the answer to my question. You know that." She interrupted him.
"...."
Seeing that Kiyopon wasn't going to make it easy for her. She began looking around the room for any clues to why he's acting like this again. She checked around the furniture, inside the drawers, etc.
" Hm?" And finally after a few minutes of searching, her eyes landed towards a letter on the ground, located next to the heel of the study table. She picked it up and curiously began reading it.
Her eyes widened in suprise at its contents.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"....Is this why you're acting like this?" Suzune held the letter in front of him.
Kiyopon's eyes glanced at the letter for a moment before redirecting his gaze back to the ground.
"....Do you really believe this letter to be true?" She asked.
"....It's his handwriting. What reason is there to not believe it to be true...."
" That's because it doesn't add up to the letter prior to this one. The letter you have in your notebook."
Kiyopon looks at Suzune.
"....You read it..."
" I was curious, and I apologize for doing so. But that letter compared to this one.....is too big of a shift. " She said.
"...And so what..."
" Huh?"
" So what if it's too big of a shift? The letter you have in your hand contains his true feelings for me. He hated me. "
" He didn't-"
" I'm sure you've read the entire letter. How my actions....my choices....led to both him and his son's suffering. He had no choice but to seek forgiveness......and he paid for it with his life." He said.
"..." And now Suzune was silent. She did indeed read the letter, and was suprised of the small description of Kiyopon's father. Matsuo described his father to be a strong man with powerful connections.....mixed with absolute cruelty and ruthlesness.
Suzune would've never thought that Kiyopon would be the son of that man.
In the letter, Matsuo confessed his hatred for the boy and how he regretted his actions for setting him free. How he was foolish to have his son suffer for his mistake. It was written there that Matsuo was going to visit the man who was condemning both him and his son's lives to hell. He wanted to seek forgiveness, willing to offer anything, EVERYTHING, so that man can at least leave his son alone.
"....I think I know why my chest is aching now......" Kiyopon spoke as he slowly placed a hand on his chest.
" It's because.....my heart hurts. It's filled with guilt....and self-loathing." He said in a low voice.
"....I thought I could forgive myself.....but it was wishful thinking. I thought I could allow myself to recover, but that's also wishful thinking. Why should person like me, who caused pain for an innocent man and his son, be ever allowed to feel peace....to feel joy.....to feel....anything...but pain and self-loathing." He said.
" It's not your fault....it's okay to forgive yourself-"
" You don't understand. It's NOT okay....it'll never be okay. He hates me and that's something I deserve.....no....rather....I deserve even worse. The people I get close to......they get hurt because of me.....even back then.....I...." He paused. He was losing control of his emotions once more and he almost shared something unnecessary.
The noises in his head were reminding him of his past. His fellow colleagues who despised his existence, who put him at fault for their suffering even if that wasn't his intention.
And now the image of Matsuo was cracking to pieces. These are feelings he couldn't feel before. These are feelings he thought he could never unlock after the influence his father had on him....
Kiyopon closed his eyes and began looking back....
1 year......
The 1 year he'd spent with his butler. A kind man.
1 year where he felt close to being a "normal" child was because of that butler.
1 year when he began to care for someone else for the first time since his father's influence.
The 1 year where he finally roamed around the city, visited the beach, and ate the local delicacy.
....
But that 1 year.....no longer matters.
Kiyopon wished that he never had to spend that one year with Matsuo. So that he'll still be an empty shell......remain uncaring and cold to others....
He'd be fine with that because at the very least, Matsuo and his son would be safe.
He wants to take back that 1 year.....he was willing to sacrifice everything he has now to take back that 1 year....
So that the pain he's feeling will never have happened......
So that everything bad that's happening to himself and others.....will never have happened.
he wishes that.....from the bottom of his heart.
Even in death, Matsuo ...will forever hate him-
" Dear, Kiyotaka. Remember to use this notebook as a means to make friends and to record the amount of friends you made. Use this as your way of communication since I know you have trouble speaking with others due to your tendency to mask your feelings with your expression."
The voices in Kiyopon's head suddenly stopped as he heard those familiar words. He looks up at Suzune and there she was, his notebook in her hand as she began reading off the letter.
" Please make great memories with your friends. Memories you can treasure for the rest of your life. And, by chance, we see each other again. Then please tell me all about your first experience of having a normal life as a highschool student. "
" Stop...." Kiyotaka said to her but she continued.
"....I would like to listen to any stories you might have, just like the way you have listened to mine this entire time."
" Stop it, Horikita....."
" And one last thing before I end this message."
Kiyopon stood up and Suzune took a few steps back in order to continue reading.
" I love you, my child. Yes, I consider you as another son of mi-"
" I TOLD YOU TO STOP!" He finally yelled as he charged towards her and snatched the notebook from her grip. He held it up in the air as he glared at her.
Suzune returned his glare.
And she dared to continue speaking,
"....He said that you'd make a good brother for a person named Eichiiro."
"....Stop." He told her.
" He said that no matter what hurdles you may encounter later in your life, he'll cheer for you like a father."
Kiyotaka looks at his notebook and gripped it tight.
" He wrote all of that.....because he could he loved you." She said.
" He doesn't...." His voice cracks. " Not anymore...."
" He does."
" How in the world....would you know that.....you don't know him....you don't know him at all..."
" But I understand him better than you do, suprisingly." She takes out the latest letter and points to the ending paragraph. " Do you see this?"
"....See what..."
" Tear stains."
Kiyopon looked closer and there was indeed tear stains, it wasn't too visible but it was there. And Kiyopon missed it, but Suzune didn't.
Still, what was she trying to prove with that?
"...And? Where are you trying to go with this..."
" While writing, he was holding back his tears, and whether or not he was aware of it, a few of his tears landed on the paper. It's because.....it pained him to write those words that are untrue." She said.
"....That doesn't matter."
" ' Doesn't matter' ?" She repeated.
" He's already written it..." He then looks into her eyes, wearing a pained expression.
" And he's no longer here to erase it..."
He places the notebook back in the drawer and sits back down on the bed while Suzune stared at him in shock.
"....Please leave now.....you've already done enough and I'm grateful but......stop wasting your time on someone who could never forgive himself...." He said, weakly.
He looks down to the floor once more, as the voices began to grow louder in his head again.
".....I'm sorry.....I'm sorry for disappointing you, Horikita...." He apologized with sincerity. " I'm sorry for being selfish......I'm sorry that I won't be able to keep my promise....of helping you reach Class A. "
" I don't think I can keep a promise like that with the way I am now....." He finished before finally succumbing to the noises in his head once more.
" I don't care about that promise. " She says.
" You don't have to keep that promise." She says.
She sits beside him.
" ....Then what use am I to you? All you want is to reach Class A, right?" A miracle happened. Kiyopon suddenly responded.
"...." Suzune stays silent for a bit before sighing.
" I want to reach it with you...." She muttered.
Kiyotaka slowly looks at her.
" ....And I'll use everything I've got to make sure that happens. " She said.
" Why?" He asked. " Why are you persistent on helping me....on pulling me with you...."
" Why?" She repeated before chuckling and then looking back at him.
" Because you're an important person to me, Ayanokoji-kun." She said, " It was you alone who changed me for the better. To open my eyes. It was you who also helped me.....who saved me." She smiles fondly at the memory
"...."
" But...." She then averts her eyes, her lips drawing into a thin line. " If....you don't want me to help you. If you really want me to leave.....then I'll give you chance to tell me that one last time and then I'll stop. If being alone works better for you, if it will help you recover better.....then I'll let it go. But I want to hear you say it." She said.
" Do you want me to stop?" She asked without looking at him.
"...."
After a few minutes of silence, she decides to get up from her seat.
"....Fine....if you won't say anything. Then I'll just assume that silence is a 'yes'." She says.
" I hope you get better soon, Ayanokoji-kun." She said before heading to the door.
Time slowed down...
Kiyopon stared at her figure, slowly walking towards the door. Ready to finally leave him.
That's what he wanted, right?
He'd been trying to push her away.
But after hearing her words.
Why does he want to call out to her?
Why does he want to reach for her?
Why, after everything he's said and done, does he want her to stay with him?
For a moment, the voices drowned out.
For a moment, some rational thinking finally formed....
For a moment......for a small moment....
He made his decision.
" Horikita." He calls out to her.
She turns around and looks at him.
He's decided that he wants her to stay.
"....My eyes feel heavy." He started, " It's been heavy ever since his death. I don't understand why it's heavy, it's never went away ever since I heard about his death......I don't.....I don't understand such a feeling......I want it to stop....I want my eyes to stop feeling heavy but I don't know what to do. Even after getting enough sleep, nothing changes........how.....how can I stop it?" He asked.
Suzune walks towards him.
" Horikita...?" He called her name once more. She stood right in front of him. He wondered why she still didn't sound a response.
Suddenly, he felt his head being pulled towards her body.
She was hugging him.
" Cry." She said, softly.
"...Cry?" He repeated in slight confusion.
" You haven't been crying.....your eyes feel heavy because of that. You're still holding back your true feelings and it's time to let it out.....so go ahead. Cry." She said.
"....I can't just...do that-"
" You can." She hugs him tighter. " You're allowed to cry...."
" Are those tears, Kiyotaka?"
"...."
" What? Are you shedding tears because one of them dropped dead?"
"...."
" He was a weak child. He complained and cried a lot due to the training, and it finally caught up to him. He failed to realize the lesson and the biggest lesson of all; Is to always stay strong, no matter what."
"....Am I not allowed to cry...?"
" You're not. You're strong and different compared to them. You have no business feeling pity for the weak, much less shedding tears for the weak. "
"...."
" Crying is for the weak. Don't ever be weak. Don't ever shed tears again, understand?"
" It's okay...." She said in a soothing tone as she brushed through the back of his brown hair with her fingers. " It's okay to be weak with me around. I won't judge you. It's okay to cry...."
"....Horikita-"
" Call me Suzune."
"....."
She chuckles, " We've been friends for so long and we aren't even on first-name basis. I think that needs to change, no?" She mused.
Suzune then felt Kiyopon's arms wrapping themselves around her waist and began to pull her closer.
"...I-is it....really o-okay...?" He said with shaky breaths.
" It's okay." She assured him.
And finally, after holding back....
Warm tears began to fall down Kiyotaka's cheek as he pulled her tighter, embracing her stomach as he began crying and releasing his held back tears.
For the first time in what felt like forever....
He's finally crying.
Suzune soothingly patted his head as he continued crying his feelings out.
But then....
She recalled his words from back at the island exam.....when she was in a similar state...
A small smile tugs on her lips.
" Whenever you're in trouble, don't be afraid to show this side of yourself to me. I will never judge you and I'll always be there for you......for as long as you need me to." She said.
Kiyopon realized that those were the words he said....
And that those were the words she repeated....
" That's what you said to me. Remember?" She asked.
" It applies to you too....Kiyotaka..." She said and finally called him by his first name.
" I....I...." He tried to say something in response but the tears wouldn't stop. They kept cutting off his train of thought and what he wanted to say.
" Take your time....let it out first..." She said.
Kiyopon wanted to do just that, but he couldn't help but desperately trying to form his words. To regain enough composure to say it.
Because she of all people, deserved to hear it.
" Thank you....for being here for me......Suzune...." He managed to say.
Suzune's heart beats faster and a cute red blush began to form on her cheeks.
" You're welcome, Kiyotaka-kun."
CHAPTER END!
Wew, that's done.
Anyways, I'm planning to rewatch plastic memories so I could cry like a little bitch.
Also just watched I Want To Eat Your Pancreas for the first time....
It didn't make me cry due to two factors.
1. It just made me very bittersweet.
2. The girl's name is literally Sakura Yamauchi.....how can I take that seriously? HAHAHAA
Bunny girl senpai movie got me to cry harder.
Anyways, the movie was good and definitely recommend for those who haven't watched it due to their unforgiving schedules or lazy nature.
KawaiiLumine, out~