After her brief and awkward run-in with Isaac, Cassie was beyond frazzled. Her heart raced inside her chest as she tried to forget what had just transpired. The apartment felt incredibly cramped due to all the college students milling about inside the rather small quarters.
She tried to get her mind off the encounter by chatting with other students at the party. It was the only way she could try and forget what happened. But her efforts were all in vain. She soon gave up and began looking for her best friend to hang out with her instead.
It took several minutes for Cassie to finally locate Mariana. She stood outside of a bedroom with the door slightly ajar. But she wasn't alone; she was in the middle of making out with DeShawn. They were all over each other, her pale hands gripped onto his face while his dark hands held onto her waist.
I'm not interrupting that, Cassie thought as she cursed to herself. She didn't want to interrupt the couple by unloading all her problems onto Mariana.
Defeated, Cassie turned around and exited the apartment without looking back. She texted Mariana as she made the short trip home.
Cassie: I'm not feeling well, so I went home. Don't worry about me, ok? Have fun!
Once home, she decided to get a long shower. She closed her eyes as the hot water beat her head and trickled down her five-foot-seven frame. She turned the heat up a little more, not caring if it burned her fair skin. All she wanted was to wash away the funky stench of alcohol and sweat that clung to her body.
Regret filled her head, puncturing her heart like a vicious stab wound. She had voiced some reluctance to attend tonight's party when Mariana had brought it up a few days ago. Her best friend had mentioned it merely to let her know where she would be going and to see if she'd come too. Cassie didn't want to go; after all, she'd caused so much drama at past parties that she was certain no one would even want her there in the first place.
"If you don't wanna go, that's fine," Mariana had said. They had been sitting in the living room after a long day of school.
"I don't want to go somewhere I'm not wanted," Cassie had replied.
Mariana bit her lip but didn't push the matter further. "I understand."
Cassie hadn't expected Mariana to even offer her to tag along to tonight's party. After the blow-up that had occurred between them at last year's end-of-semester party, Cassie didn't think her best friend would invite her to tag along to another party ever again. Perhaps the help she'd received this past summer left Mariana feeling confident that she wouldn't act out?
Earlier this morning, Cassie had changed her mind and decided to go to tonight's party. She hadn't been excited to attend; she had had a big knot in her stomach from the moment she entered Isaac's apartment. She didn't want to run into him or Lexi whatsoever. All she wanted was to be alone and try to relax.
But as she stepped out of the shower and dried her long hair, Cassie felt a sense of relief wash over her. She was home and away from the party, which was exactly what she needed. She changed into her pyjamas and climbed into bed. Her damp hair hit the pillow as she closed her eyes. It wouldn't be easy to sleep with a raging college party going on in the background— but she tried to anyways.
***
Cassie didn't see Mariana again until almost a week later. She had stayed over at DeShawn's after the party, and also hung out with him over the weekend. The roommates' respective schedules also left them too busy to catch up in person after that. They texted a couple of times since last week's party, but neither brought up Cassie's early departure that night. It was as if it hadn't happened at all.
By Thursday afternoon, Cassie was home after attending her one lecture of the day. She decided to study and write out her notes on the living room couch. A half-consumed mug of black coffee sat on the coffee table across from her. A pop music playlist played from her phone, which sat beside her on the couch. She alternated from reading a textbook to typing up notes on her laptop.
The front door suddenly unlocked and opened, making her jump. Then again, it shouldn't have; only one other person had a key to the apartment.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Mariana said as she sauntered in. "I forgot to grab a couple of things this morning for my next class."
"It's all good," Cassie replied with a small smile.
Mariana disappeared into her bedroom to retrieve her belongings. Cassie placed her laptop and textbook down on the coffee table to sip her coffee.
Just as Mariana left her bedroom and began walking to the front door, she glanced back at Cassie. "How are you?"
"I'm...okay," Cassie answered reluctantly. "Hey, can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, of course."
"How close are you and Lexi?"
Mariana blinked hard, having not expected the question. "Uh...we're just friends. We get along and text here and there, but that's really it. We've never hung out one-on-one; only with our friend group."
Cassie nodded but didn't say anything.
"She forgave me, you know."
"She did?" Cassie asked with wide eyes.
"Yeah, Lexi forgave me for how I treated her," Mariana explained. "She didn't do it immediately; I had to work hard to gain her trust. But it did happen eventually."
Cassie absorbed the information as guilt crept into her veins. She looked at the ground and sighed.
"What's wrong?" Mariana asked.
"I hate myself for how I've treated Lexi."
Cassie had felt this way since bringing up the drama to Dr. Rich this past summer. During her therapy sessions, Cassie had come to realize that Lexi wasn't the problem; she had been the problem the entire time. She was the one who had created this messy situation due to unresolved feelings and unfounded fears.
"I...I didn't know you felt this way," Mariana said breathlessly,
Cassie looked up to see Mariana's light green eyes wide with shock.
"You seem truly remorseful for what you've done," she added.
"I feel like a piece of shit."
Mariana sighed and gave her best friend a big hug. "I know you do. What are you gonna do about it?"
Cassie shrugged. "I don't know how I'm gonna fix this mess yet. Besides, there's one thing I need to do first."
"And what's that?" Mariana asked.
"I'm going to love myself first," Cassie replied. "If I don't, then I won't be able to love others."
It sounded like a simple concept, but Cassie knew that it was anything but. She needed to work on herself some more before she could even think about trying to fix things between her and Lexi. She also wanted to clear things up between her and Isaac at some point.
But before she could try to do either of those monumental tasks, she had to fix her most important relationship— the one she had with herself.
That very topic stayed on her mind two weeks later, when she met with Dr. Rich for a virtual therapy session. Cassie's therapist had offered the option so that she didn't have to travel back to Buffalo once a month. It was a welcome option for Cassie, who needed those sessions now more than ever. Today's session landed at a time when Mariana was hanging out with DeShawn at The Bean's Knees, giving her some much-needed privacy.
"It's nice to see you again, Cassie," Dr. Rich said after the two exchanged greetings. "How has school been?"
Cassie sighed loudly. "It's picking up, that's for sure. It's gonna be a hard semester, from what I can tell. But I'm gonna do my best 'cause it's important."
"That's good to hear," Dr. Rich replied with a warm grin. "What did you want to talk about today?"
Despite having anticipated the question, Cassie froze. She suddenly groaned and rested her head in her hands.
Dr. Rich frowned. "Is everything okay?"
Cassie looked up and cleared her throat. She could feel her face heat up from embarrassment. "Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just...I do wanna talk about something that's very important. I just don't really know how to word it."
"That's okay," Dr. Rich said while relaxing her face into a neutral expression. "Take as much time as you need."
Once collecting her thoughts, Cassie began to rehash the previous drama she'd created towards Lexi and Isaac. While she had explained it all to her therapist previously, she wanted to refresh her on it because it was pertinent to what she wanted to discuss during today's session.
"I've run into both Lexi and Isaac since school started again," Cassie said after going over her history with the two of them.
"And how did those interactions go?" Dr. Rich asked.
"I ran into Lexi while we were leaving our classes— I didn't know she had a class in the same building as me— and we had to share an elevator. I told her that I had a class on a different floor just 'cause I didn't want her to think I knew she was there or something. I don't know, I just didn't want her to think I've been stalking her...not that I've ever done that before. Ugh, sorry, I can't stop talking."
"No, it's okay. Was Isaac there?"
Cassie shook her head. "I ran into him a couple of weeks ago, when I went to a party at his apartment."
"I thought you were trying to avoid going to this place?" Dr. Rich pointed out.
"I..." Cassie sighed. "Yeah, you're right. I wasn't going to, but I decided to go at the last minute. I don't even know why I went, to be honest. Mariana invited me to tag along, and I guess I felt like I had to go to make her happy. Sounds silly, I know."
"I understand where you're coming from. So, how did it go with Isaac?"
"It was awkward, and he was pissed at me. He didn't tell me to leave the party, but he didn't want to talk to me whatsoever. Oh, and he also told me that I needed to leave his girlfriend, Lexi, alone this semester. He didn't threaten me at all, but it was clear that he meant it."
"How did you respond?"
"I didn't."
Dr. Rich raised her eyebrows. "Is that so?"
"I didn't argue or try to explain myself," Cassie explained. "But I did say, "I'm sorry" right as he walked away from me."
"Are you sorry?" Dr. Rich asked.
Cassie exhaled slowly. "I am," she replied. "And honestly, it makes me sick to think about just how badly I treated them. I wish I could bring myself to apologize to them."
"What's stopping you?"
"I don't think they'll believe me. And I also need to fix myself before I can even think about apologizing to Lexi or Isaac."
Dr. Rich mused this for a moment while cleaning her round silver-framed glasses with a white cloth. "I understand where you're coming from."
"I just hate all the tension and how bad things are," Cassie said, running one hand through her dark brown hair. I don't care if I'm never friends with them— to be honest, I don't think that'll ever happen. But I wanna fix things anyways."
"Well," Dr. Rich began, "it's important to understand that they may never forgive you— and that's okay."
Cassie nodded while biting the inside of her cheek.
"You need to be careful in how you word your apology," Dr. Rich continued. "Also, give them space, if that's what they want. Let them establish their boundaries and respect them, even if they frustrate you."
"I'll be sure to do that," Cassie said while nodding.
"Have you been continuing the meditation? As well as everything else I suggested before?"
"I have been, yes."
Dr. Rich smiled. "That's good to hear."
The therapy session carried on for a little while longer before it finally ended. Once Dr. Rich signed off, Cassie sat back in her desk chair to take in everything that they had discussed.
I need to get my shit together once and for all before I can even think about trying to talk to Isaac or Lexi, she thought. I'm doing well— but I'm not where I want to be yet.