A/N: Just a quick one, I kinda think Mercy by Shawn Mendes goes with this chapter, but if you have another song in mind, recommend it and I'll add it🙃 On with the story my lovelies!💕
I stare blankly out my window, fixating on the dark clouds rolling in threatening to burst and flood our streets.
A bolt of lightning flashes through the sky and seconds later ear-splitting thunder echoes around us with a forceful and tempestuous wind blowing wildly against our house, silencing my traitorous thoughts. The trees out front sway in the wind withstanding the sheer force without crashing to the ground displaying the strength of nature.
Strength, I wish I could possess.
I clutch the small typewriter pendant in my hand tightly hoping to ease the heaviness around my already sore neck. I shift uncomfortably, straightening out my crossed legs.
My entire body aches and no matter how I shift or change my position, the pain doesn't end. My body is screaming at me to replace the missing piece that it begs, aches, throbs for but I can't.
I haven't spoken in three days. That's how long it's been since my dad carried me out the bar, cradling me in his arms like a child as I sobbed into his chest in the backseat of his truck as mom drove us home.
I haven't left my room since my dad tucked me in after we spent hours in the driveway till my tears ran out and sleep consumed me.
I can't face my parents after that day, nor can I stand the inquisitive and pitiful gazes. They deserve to know the truth but I'm unable to provide them with it. The thought alone has me crawling into a ball and sobbing into my pillow that now carries a stench, but I think the stench wafting to my nostrils is me as I wither away into nothing but a decaying shell of the person I used to be.
It's hitting me harder than I anticipated, and I can't seem to push it down. I can't prevent the agonizing pain that spreads through my body like a toxic poison threatening to engulf me.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
The worst part is, I still fucking miss him.
I miss him with every fiber of my being and my body is pleading with me to walk a few houses down and just wrap my arms around him.
But I can't.
Another bolt of lightning flashes through the dark morning sky and I can't wrap my head around how something so bright appears so dull to me, now.
Nothing is the same anymore and it's safe to say, I fucking hate it.
I flop onto my back, staring at my plain white ceiling. I want nothing more than to turn back time and vanquish these emotions that are gluing me to my bed with an unendurable pain paralyzing me to my room.
I'm pulled from my tormenting reverie by tapping on my closed door. I can't muster up enough energy to part my chapped lips to utter a single word, but I don't have to as the door creaks open like it does every morning.
I don't remove my gaze from the ceiling but somehow this morning feels different. Mom heaves a frustrated sigh as she walks into my childhood bedroom, "this needs to end." She walks over to my window, opening my blinds, revealing torturous sunlight.
"Tell me what happened, sweetheart?" Mom pleads for the umpteenth time, but like every other day, I remain silent. The bed dips in - this is different - mom's arm coming to rest over my torso, "Timay, please, talk to me. I can't bear to see you like this."
"I'm fine," my voice comes out in a raspy whisper.
"You are not fine," she cups my cheek, gently turning my face towards hers and I wish she didn't. I see the concern in her brown eyes. I see the worry creasing her forehead. I see the sadness my state is inflicting on her.
"Mom, I'm... Fine." My eyes prickle with tears, my breathing picks up, and I sniffle. "I'm fine," my voice goes all squeaky. "Completely fine," I lie, miserably. The tears fall, escaping my tear ducts, mom pulls me to her chest, wrapping her loving arms around me in a comforting, soothing embrace.
We remain like that until I have no more tears to cry. The ounce of moisture that my body possessed is dried up along with the reservoir. "Talk to me, Timay." Mom sniffles and I give in.
The words pour from my lips like a song as I sniff back snot and tears - tears I thought were gone and dried up. I tell her everything and she listens without interruption allowing me to let her in, baring my crushed soul.
Once I'm done, she doesn't respond allowing silence to settle between us as she rubs soothing circles on my back, "did you intend to run?"
"Not at first," I answer honestly. "I wanted to clear my head before I said or did something I might regret, turns out I did that anyway."
"Does he know that?"
"No... I... He... He assumed I was going to run; he made that decision for the both of us without giving me the benefit of the doubt."
"Do you love him?"
"More than anything."
"Then you need to try and explain your side. Miscommunication between a new couple can be catastrophic when left unresolved but all relationships have them... It isn't worth ending your blooming relationship over a misunderstanding. Circumstances are just that and we can't allow that to destroy us and our love, sending us running for the hills. I know you're a runner, sweetheart but you can't outrun this, not this time."
"But-"
"But nothing," mom kisses my forehead. "Who are you really angry at? Is it Noah, for keeping something from you that wasn't his secret to share out of fear you won't believe him? Is it Ethan, because despite what he did to you, revealing his true colors, you found it in yourself to believe him, again or are you angry at yourself for running when things got tough?" Mom asks and it is hard-hitting questions that get my rusty gears turning. "The walls we build around ourselves to shield us from pain and sorrow also shields us from happiness and love, the kind we deserve... Don't forget that."
I stuff a handful of cereal in my mouth, crumbs falling from my fingers, some landing in my beard and some adding to the heap of crumbs already decorating my once clean tee.
I shove another handful of Captain Crunch in my mouth, majority falling on me. I fixate on my 'continue watching list' on Netflix and I search for the remote to play some random movie. A movie I started last night to fill the agonizing silence that encapsulates me, driving me to the brink of insanity.
The fuck was I thinking telling her don't come back. Anyone in that situation would need space to clear their mind and I assumed the worst when I saw that familiar dead look in her orbs.
The same brown eyes that dropped all defenses to allow me in, seeing every emotion sparking in them. Nothing has made a lick of sense to me since I watched her walk away from me. I don't think anything will ever again.
There's an indescribable pain radiating through my body, almost like that of phantom limb pain. I guess it's my body's way of begging me to replace the limb that was amputated except nothing is missing but her.
I've replayed that day over and over, trying to figure out what I could've done differently but the memories I'm drowning in are suffocating. My own personal purgatory filled with the exact moment she walked away.
Every day since has been torture, a living nightmare filled with pain that no pain killer or booze can terminate.
The harder I try to rid my body of pain, erase the memories swarming my mind, constricting my heart. The more I fall into a continual abyss of endless suffering and torture as I face my own untimely demise filled with regret and sorrow.
I'm experiencing a pain I never thought I'd experience again. A sort of pain that forces the air from your lungs and has you crippled over, begging, pleading with tears streaming down your face for relief or death. Whichever is quicker to acquire.
It's a pain I deserve...
I did this...
I did this to us, to me, to her... I forced her to walk away. If I didn't assume the worst, is there a possibility she wouldn't have run?
Fuck!
"Noah, dude, you in here?"
I'm too blame for everything!
I should've told her from the get-go what the pussy-flap-piece-of-shit was up to before things got so serious between us but like they say, regret always comes too late.
But nope, screw that. She's not innocent in all this, nope. Fuck that. She's to blame, too. Had she fought harder to stay - what a crock of bullshit!
"Fuck!" Dane exclaims, grabbing his nose and interrupting my thoughts before I hate myself even more than I already do. "What died in here?" He eyes me, lips twitching. "Oh, it's just you." He smirks, dropping his hand.
"Fuck off," I throw a handful of cereal at his face, returning my gaze back to Netflix, desperate to wallow in self-pity and heartache - don't forget denial.
Heartache that I caused, mind you.
"No!" Dane exclaims. "I've given you a week to stew in your own shit, now it's time for you to get the fuck up."
"Babe!" Naomi scolds from somewhere in the house. "You're being too harsh."
"Harsh?" He laughs grimly.
"Yes, harsh... He's too fragile to handle tough love right now." Nay comes into view, a playful smirk lining her lips with Timay's suitcase behind her - the fuck is she doing with her suitcase?
"Can you both just fuck off?"
"Nope," Dane snatches the box of cereal from my grasp, accidentally kicking an empty bottle of scotch that rolls across the hardwood into the wall with a sound so soft, you can hardly hear it. "I warned you about her, didn't I?"
"Oh, please! She needed a fucking moment to clear her head after finding out Noah hid something so momentous from her for months!"
"How do-"
"Bullshit. Timay's been looking for an excuse to run all this time and she finally found one." His words elicit an emotion to escape the clutches of sadness and self-loathing and I get to my feet, crumbs falling to the ground along with cereal. I step on it with my one bare foot - where has my other sock gone? - but it doesn't stop me as I storm towards him.
"Don't you dare talk about her like that!" I snap. "Timay's done nothing wrong. I'm to blame for all this shit. I forced her to run because I didn't fucking believe in her enough. I didn't fucking trust her!" As the words leave my mouth, I realize how true they are. I realize my initial thought process was indeed correct.
If I just allowed her to get the space she needed, she'd be in my arms right now. We'd be joking around and making up for lost time but nope. We're losing more time.
"There you go," they say in sync with smug as fuck smiles lining their lips as they fist pump. It takes me a moment to see what game they played, and truth be told I'm getting real fucking tired of people using reverse psychology on me.
I am grateful though. I know now that I'm at fault for this mess. If I hadn't said what I did, she would've stayed. I forced her to run by doubting her. I didn't trust her enough...
Timay never would've bolted if those words weren't spoken. Sure, she would've left, taken some time to think, some much needed space to wrap her head around things and she'd come back once she took the time she needed. The ultimate betrayal didn't come from her not sticking to her promise.
It came from me the moment those words escaped my lips. It came from me the moment I assumed she'd run...
Fuck, if you run, now... Don't come back.
The words that've haunted me from the moment I said them, forcing me to question my sanity. I betrayed her in more than one way that day...
Fuuuuck!
It's taken me a fucking week to realize this as I decayed, withering away to the heartbreak. I take in the space I've spent the last week, empty bottles of scotch litter the floor, boxes of half-eaten cereal laying on their sides with the contents spilling onto the floor, table, and sofa. I grimace at the mess - a pigsty is cleaner - that I've been living in for the last week and disgust fills me.
I rub my palms down my face, feeling the stickiness of my beard and I sigh. "I need to clean this mess up."
"You do," Nay smiles. "Go hop in the shower, Dane and I will take care of this mess."
"We can't, we have the ultrasound in," he looks at his wristwatch. "Shitballs! It's in ten, we gotta go."
"I've got this," I smile. "Next time, tell me straight up without the whole talking shit about Timay."
"Where's the fun in that?" Dane winks. "Besides, you needed to realize you were wrong on your own."
"How'd you two know?"
"Maxine called," Nay smiles as they walk out. Of course... Fuck.
I'm glad I realized my mistake, but one problem sorted, another arises.
How am I going to fix this?
There's no feeling in this world that can compare to climbing out a hot shower.
Okay, that's a lie. Climbing out a hot shower after a banging sesh with Timay is out-of-this-world and far more refreshing than an ordinary shower to rid myself of a week's worth of agony. Nothing can compare, seriously, nothing.
The first time Timay walked away from me, the insufferable pain I suffered is nothing compared to this.
Doing average daily tasks became impossible without her by my side. This time round, managing a shower in a bathroom we've made so many memories in was torture.
Sleeping in my bed was like begging for a knife to slit my throat, going straight for the carotid artery.
Getting sucked into the couch was my last option but certainly not a better one. We've created memories all over this house that hold a special place in my heart including the couch, but I had nowhere left to rot away.
Every inch, crevice, nook, and cranny of this house reminds me of her ethereal beauty, her intoxicating smile, her hypnotizing orbs that have become my world, her feisty, spicy as fuck personality that outshines the brightest star and her big heart that has become my home.
Everywhere I look, I see her.
An emptiness I've become accustomed to fills me reminding me about the void and distance I've created. Loneliness follows and I sit on my bed with a sigh, burying my face in my hands as my heart throbs tenderly in my chest. Each beat echoes her name serving as a painful reminder of my lunacy.
A knock interrupts my doom and gloom thoughts and I make my way down the stairs attempting to bury every thought and emotion that involves Timay.
"Mr. Hues?" I quirk a surprised brow.
"Noah," he smiles tightly. "Don't be so formal, it's Richard."
"Right, sorry. Please, come in, Richard." I move aside, only remembering the mess once his feet are over the threshold.
"How have you been holding up, son?" He asks, eyeing the empty bottle against the skirting board.
"I've had better days," I smile, picking up the empty bottle.
"Has Timay been around to see you?"
"No, haven't seen or spoken to her in a week."
"Interesting," he eyes the empty bottles by the sofa, a disapproving look twists his features. "Never drink to drown your sorrows, son. It accomplishes nothing."
"I know," I shrug sheepishly. "In the moment it seemed to be the only solution... To forget."
"You only forget when it holds no importance in your life. No amount of alcohol can do that when the thing you're trying to forget is of great significance to you. If you ever need anything or just need to talk, you know where we are, son." He taps my back in a fatherly manner, the same way my father used to do to me before all the shit hit the fan.
"Thank you."
I move my asparagus around on the plate, gazing down at my food with disinterest. I try to mimic interest as to not arouse suspicion - seriously don't wanna be questioned.
Food hasn't been my priority lately and mom has picked up on that. These days she's always watching, making sure I eat.
At first, I got away with it when I took my food up - I know, I wasted a lot of food while there's thousands of people starving but I didn't chuck it. I did eat most, okay, some of it... In stages.
Mom caught on in two days, forcing me to come downstairs to eat dinner as a family. I know it's to ensure I eat properly, and I know she's doing it out of love but sometimes love comes in the form of space.
"How's Noah? You were there yesterday, correct?" Dad asks with agitation lacing his voice. He takes a sip of his water as I shove a piece of asparagus in my mouth avoiding his interrogative gaze.
"Mmhmm," I hum, cutting into my pork, shoving a large piece into my mouth before I even get the chance to swallow down my last bite.
"Have you two sorted out your differences?" Dad asks as the doorbell chimes and I get to my feet. "I'll get that," I say through a mouthful of food earning myself a disapproving glare from mom.
Saved by the bell.
"Hey," I half smile.
"Thought you might want this?" Nay beams, motioning to my suitcase.
"Thank you."
"Can we talk?" She asks, her lips pulling down into a frown.
"Sure," I smile tightly, closing the door behind me.
"I know what happened between you and Noah..."
"Okay."
"I also know that he shouldn't have kept that from you."
"Yup."
"But I need to know... Did you run... Intentionally?"
"C'mon Nay," I sigh, her blue eyes filling with guilt.
"I-I need to hear the truth from you. I defended you and agreed that you needed space but what I want to know is, did you plan to run the moment you learned the truth or?"
"Fine," I groan. "I didn't intend to run, not at first but-"
"But nothing," her eyes set into a hard glare. "When are you going to stop hurting the people that love you the most with your fucked up antics, Timay?"
"Excuse you?" I take a step back, raising my brows.
"You heard me, enough is fucking enough. I get it, I do. Noah should've told you, no excuses but one small fuck up and you ran. Again from the same man whose world revolves around you. He's a fucking mess, did you know that? Do you even care enough about him to know that?"
"I-"
"I didn't come here to make you feel like shit but there's a point in our lives when we need to put on our big girl panties and deal with the hardcore, curveballs life throws at us without running away from it hoping we can outrun it. I know you love him, and you feel betrayed right now but if you don't make things right, you'll lose each other forever. Two people that love each other as much as you two, do, should be together. No questions asked. Anyone in a ten-mile radius can feel the chemistry you share, hell everyone can see the way you look at each other, we all know you're meant to bend and define the meaning of soulmates."
"Thanks..." I trail off, reaching for my suitcase and her lips curl into a triumph smile. "For bringing this." I open the door and walk in without another word, closing the door behind me without looking back.
She's been great this last week, calling to check up on me, listening to me as I bawled my eyes out over facetime, being an amazing support system along with mom and dad. She was an amazing support system.
"Who was it?" Mom calls out from the dining room.
"Naomi," I whisper entering the dining room, avoiding eye-contact. "I'm gonna head to my room."
"Not yet, pumpkin. Have a seat, we need to talk."
"Not you, too." I mutter under my breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing," I lean back, staring at my hands in my lap. "Please, it's been a long day."
"No!" Dad smacks his hand down on the table, his voice raising, and I jump in surprise. He clears his throat before saying with an eerie calmness. "I know you haven't been to see Noah, why did you lie to us?" Dad asks sharply, his voice tethering on the verge of angry and disappointed with an air of sternness that freaks me the fuck out.
"I wasn't ready to see him."
"You know we love you and we will always be by your side when you need us, but this isn't you... The daughter we raised didn't lie, she didn't disrespect her parents, and she didn't back down nor did she run. The daughter we raised was trustworthy, honest, respectful, and strong with a heart of gold." I gulp, hating that dad's right. I was all those things.
I don't respond, I don't look up, I continue staring at my hands as I pick at my cuticles. Tears prickle my eyes, and I don't bother trying to fight it.
"I let it go when you barely came home from New York. I kept quiet after finding out about your engagement that your mom and I knew nothing about, but I'm done keeping quiet, accepting your lies, and moving on. It's time for you to grow up and sort through your problems with a level head on your shoulders like the woman mom and I know you can be."
"Your dad is right, enough is enough, Timay. That boy made a mistake, but he doesn't deserve a life sentence for it."
That's the last thing I hear before the tears break free, my breaths coming out ragged and uneven, the sound of my erratically beating heart filling my ears as I get to my feet.
They're all right, dad, mom, Naomi.
Their words all mash together, banging in my head, forcing me to see the truth. No matter how I paint it, I was always going to run the moment things went south. I'm delusional if I expect people to believe I only ran because he doubted me.
I found an opportunity to run, and I took it, breaking my promise. I've been in denial over it, needing someone to blame for the pain eradicating my body but all I had to do was look within and I would've found the culprit that's taken the best damn thing in my life and obliterated it to smithereens. All I can do now, is hope there's a piece still intact that we can repair. But first...
. . .I need to pull myself together - which isn't that easy. C'mon, you can't just snap your fingers and expect the tears to stop or the pain to go away. You can't just change your mind-set in a blink of an eye. It's a process.
It takes me roughly thirty minutes to stop the tears and another thirty to convince myself of what I need to do.
I know I need to deal with my problems, head on.
No more hiding.
No more avoiding.
And no more running - I know, I've said this before, singing the same old song with the same old tune but somehow those words feel different this time round.
"No more running." I allow the words to roll off my tongue with conviction like I'm the person that created them and intricately woven them together to form a mighty sentence.
I need to make this right.
A/N: On a scale of 1 - 10 how ready are you for this emotional roller-coaster to end? It would seem Noah and Timay have reached the same conclusion with the help of their friends and family. Was Naomi right with her approach?
Thanks for reading, voting, and commenting💕
Don't forget to hit that precious⭐
Till the next emotional roller-coaster😈😏🤣 Jkjk or am I?