What a lie. Fresh start, a lie. Clean slate, a lie. Olivia 2.0, a big freaking lie. I feel a little nauseous, my throat is getting dry, and my heart is racing as I stare up at the ceiling. I'm living one big lie.
Spencer pulls away from me, and his deep brown eyes tell me everything he can't say. The regret, the torment— it's written all over his face. He reaches around the back of my head, grabbing a fistful of my hair. It's as desperate as it is demanding, and slowly, he pulls me in until my head rests in the crook of his neck. His other arm wraps around my waist, and he clings to me as though I could disappear at any moment.
His lips find the top of my head, and he leaves behind slow, agonized kisses. I can feel the pain from my spine down to the tip of my toes every time his lips find my body and every time they leave.
"Spencer," I whisper against his skin.
"Please, Olivia. Not now. Not tonight." He rests his head on mine, and I focus on the sound of his heart as it pounds in my ears.
I slowly lift my head from his body, his fingers still tangled in my hair.
"I'm sorry—
"Don't." He cuts me off
"I'm not sorry for kissing you, Spencer. I'm just sorry I did it when your lips aren't mine to claim."
I try desperately to look for anything in his eyes that will tell me what he's thinking. All I see is chaos. He wants to hate me, I'm sure. He may have kissed me, but I led us here. I tempted, and I pushed, knowing where we would end up. I'd hate me if I were him.
Having me this close to him, too close, stole the breath from his lungs, and I wanted it all. I'd steal every drop of oxygen he had until he needed my permission to breathe because that's exactly how he makes me feel.
He's so infectious, and he poisoned me the second he met me. I never stood a chance. He's all I breathe, all I feel. But now, I finally see that I'm his kryptonite too.
"Fuck." He groans, barely breathing. The veins in his neck are becoming more visible by the second. And I know it makes me a terrible person, but I reveled in knowing my presence did this to him.
I focus on him, and I'm met with a look so devastating I know the consequences of it instantly. We should be putting space between us, but we're only getting closer as our inescapable chemistry whispers that every terrible moment we're sharing is okay.
He consumed me, mouth smothering my own. He'd finally decided that not only would he have me, but that he'd own me. Every time his tongue collides with mine, we swap silent admissions, our saliva washing down our old secrets to make way for new ones. In slow motion, we forget all consequences and give life to the catastrophe that is Spencer and Olivia.
Almost as if the magnitude of our actions hit us at the same time, we pull away. No words are lingering between us, just pain. He takes my hand and guides me back into the house. We make our way up the stairs, but I know better than to think this moment goes any further than the kiss we shared outside. If we take that step while he's still with her, it'll destroy him. It'll ruin me.
So instead, we crawl into his bed, and I rest my head on his chest as if it belongs there. We don't speak. We know better than to put this moment into words.
"Olivia."
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry too. So sorry."
He kisses my forehead, and I close my eyes. I just want this moment.
I turn to look at Spencer peacefully asleep. He's perfect. Why couldn't I just leave him alone? Why couldn't I learn from the past?
Carefully, I wiggle out of his hold and head into his bathroom. The phone rings once, twice.
"Liv?"
"Jordan." I begin to sob. "I— I'm in trouble." I choke the words out.
"Where are you? Stay there. I'm coming to get you." I hear the panic in his voice and what sounds like shuffling.
"I'm at Spencer's." I practically whisper.
"What?" Jordan questions, but his voice is calmer. He heard me.
"I'm at Spencer's parent's house."
"Oh no, Olivia. No. Please don't tell me. Not again."
Not again. We have, in fact, seen this film before.
"I—" my attempt to speak fails.
I've never been kissed the way Spencer kissed me. My entire nervous system was rocked to its core just from the feeling of his lips. My brain has been rewired, and my heart is officially screwed because if I even thought I'd be able to give it to someone else, he just confirmed to me it's no longer mine to give.
Spencer James hold my heart entirely in his hands, and only an idiot would believe I had a shot in the dark of getting it back. Kennedy's boyfriend has completely undone me.
The chemistry between us was the most devastating drug that infiltrated my veins and left me wanting more, craving the high. All sense of logic dismissed. I have to get out of here, now. I have to get away from him before he wakes up and realizes what a colossal mistake he made. I can't stomach him telling me how he's going back to her because he will— they always do.
I got stolen moments, but she'll get him.
"Just breathe, Liv. I'll be there soon." Jordan's voice is comforting. Soon enough, this will all be over. I'll walk out of this door, and I'll start detoxing. I've now identified my drug of choice, which means I know exactly what I need to avoid. So step one of ridding Spencer James from my system starts the moment I leave this home.
I tug at his sweatshirt that I know I should take off, but can't. It smells like him.
A knock on the door stops my mind from racing. I can't open that door. I can't let him in. Yet, despite me knowing this, my feet find themselves gravitating toward the door, my hand hovering over the knob. He couldn't even make it through the night. He has to tell me now, face to face, how much of a mistake we were.
My breathing slows until my lungs are barely moving. I grip onto the handle, and my head screams at me to stop. When have I ever been known to listen?
Don't do it, Olivia.
But it's already done. The door opens painfully slow, and Spencer is on the other side, holding himself up, his arms high on the doorframe, head hanging low.
He stands there, defeated. Each breath a struggle as the stress radiates off of his body. Finally, his eyes snap up to mine, and I implode.
His stare tears into me in a way where I've never felt more naked. My fragility is on full display, and I swear my knees will give out at any moment.
"Do you know why tigers hold such allure?" His brown eyes, they're soft— softer than I've ever seen. I don't know where he's going with this, but I'm sure it's a polite way of telling me I'm his greatest regret.
"They're a symbol of untamed nature. The moment I laid eyes on you for the first time, I knew there wasn't a chance in hell of you ever being tamed, and it inspired me."
And then you got to know me, and I ruined your life.
"The thing about tigers is, while it's initially the intrigue that draws you in, the more you see of a tiger, the more you learn exactly how beautiful it is. The stripes they display are a coat of armor. They exude strength and grace all at the same time. Tigers are elusive, and you can't see them—" he releases his hands from the door frame and slowly closes the distance between us. "Truly see them, unless they want to be seen. There's a reason they're known to be so dangerous."
I attempt to swallow, but my mouth is completely dry.
"Tigers," he continues. "They're territorial, and they're willing to fight for what is theirs. I should probably be wishing I'd never seen my little tiger. Wishing my little tiger never wanted me to see her, but it's too late. I've seen you, I've felt you, I've breathed you. I've been marked. I'm yours."
He's so close. I want to reach out to him, but my hands don't move. So we just stand there, exchanging the air that only we can give one another.
My mind can't function with him this close. This thing between him and me isn't going to ruin me. I'm already ruined.
I take a step back from Spencer, hyperventilating. Hurt takes over his face as my rejection wounds him. My eyes are trapped on his, and his pain is all I see while mine is all I feel as it wraps an invisible tie around my neck, sucking all of the life out of me.
My phone buzzes. Jordan is here.
"I have to go." I jolt past him. He reaches for me, but I recoil from his touch.
"Olivia, wait." He calls after me. I pick up my pace, panic taking over.
Spencer yells for me again, but the sound of his voice fades as I throw open his front door and rush to safety. The house was on fire, and we both knew it, but somehow he made the flames feel safe. That's the thing about a house on fire; if you don't get out, you'll burn.
The moment I close the door of Jordan's car, I break. Ugly tears spill out, and my heart stops. The ache, it cuts so deep, I can't take it. I claw at his sweatshirt that clings to my body. It's suffocating me.
"Liv. LIV! I need you to breathe. Talk to me, Liv. What's going on?"
"I'm in love with him, Jordan."
"Oh, Liv." I see the sadness in his eyes. He hurts for me. He hurts for his friend. He hurts for what we both know I'll lose.
"And... I— I think he might just be in love with me too."
"Liv." He reaches out for my hand and squeezes it.
"Just take me home, Jordan. Please take me home."
"Whatever you need." He begins the drive back to campus but never lets go of my hand. I can't talk about this right now, and he knows that.
My phone rings. It's Spencer.
Ignore.
Again.
Ignore. This time I turn the phone off.
When we make it to my dorm, Jordan parks his car, which confuses me.
"What're you doing?"
"I did it all wrong last time, Liv. This time I'm going to do it right. I'm not leaving you alone tonight. You can argue all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. I don't know everything, and I don't need to. Last time you felt abandoned. This time, I choose you— unconditionally. So save your breath, because I'm coming upstairs with you."
I cry a little at his words and nod. I don't want to fight him on this because I actually want him here. I don't want to be alone.
"My car." I turn to him.
"Already texted Simone. She and I will go get it in the morning."
"Thank you, Jordan." I squeeze his hand.
"You never have to thank me for being your brother." He squeezes back.
We make our way upstairs, and I crawl into bed, still unable to tear myself out of Spencer's sweatshirt. I turn my phone back on and plug it up.
One voicemail. I don't even have to guess who it's from.
"Kids, they're so pure. They tell things how they see them. There's no deceptiveness. Things just are what they are. So, I'm going to take a page out of Capri's book. Even if Kennedy were available to come, I still would've wanted it to be you. I was happy when Coop invited you. I was proud to introduce you to my family. My problem with Bryce, is you. He gets to look at you in public the way I wish I got to. He gets to spend moments with you that I can only punish myself for thinking about. You said maybe, together, you and I could be better. I know we could. It's you, Olivia. Please call me."
Ruined.
I close out of the message and will myself to sleep. I don't have the energy for another second of this tonight.
"What time is it?" I open my eyes, immediately aware of how bright it is outside.
"Almost 3 pm," Jordan responds.
"WHAT?! Why didn't you wake me up?" I throw the covers off and jump out of bed.
"You needed the rest." He shrugs.
"So you've just been... sitting in the uncomfortable chair?"
"Yep. I told you, I'm here, Liv."
My brother. Most times, I want to strangle him, but in the moments that I don't want to, he really is one in a million.
"Take a shower and get some clothes on. Then we'll run by my dorm so that I can grab a change of clothes, and we can grab lunch."
"I'd like that."
I take off the sweatshirt, folding it neatly, and stuffing it in the back of my closet. It's safe there. We're safe there.
I thought I got ready quickly, but Jordan made sure to point out that it took 45 minutes. We pull up to his dorm, and seeing it just makes me think about Spencer.
I dared him to choose me, and he did. He chose me when his lips stole mine. He doubled down on it with that moment in his bathroom, and he solidified it with that voicemail.
If he was brave enough to choose me, then I wanted to fall head first. You could fill my veins with every drop of our chemistry because I didn't need other people to think it was right. I know what I feel with him, and it's right. It's him. It's Spencer.
Jordan opens his door, and I'm shocked to find Spencer standing in the middle of the room. An embarrassingly big smile grows on my face. I can't wait to tell him.
I'm so caught up in him that I lose track of anything happening around me. The sound of keys hitting the ground causes me to jump, and then I see it.
He isn't alone.
Spencer is here, but so is she. In his arms. Face buried in his chest as he holds her tightly.
I can't breathe. Everything becomes blurry.
Help.
Again.
So I accidentally published this a little bit ago when I was trying to take a look at editing it. I felt bad to tease you guys like that so I decided to finish the chapter (although I think you guys will not be very happy with me 😶 lol) and post it.