once i calmed myself down, i weakly walked up the stairs that jungwon brought me to back then. i walked up them exhaustedly before reaching the top.
i realized that the last time i climbed up, was with his help.
i don't know if i can do it. i thought
but i really want to go up there tonight.
i struggled, but tried my best. i imagined as if he was still here, helping me up.
soon enough, i did it. although, it didn't feel like anything to congratulate myself for.
i know jungwon would be proud of me.
i walked towards the edge, remembering his calm face as i watched him fall.
i was so scared that time that i didn't even recognize how peaceful he looked while he held my hand tightly.
how come i was able to save him back then? but now i suddenly can't?
i'm sorry.
i sat down on the cold ledge, feeling my pockets to pull out the journal.
when i opened it, i was surprised when i saw the page filled completely.
that's when i noticed that i opened it from the last page, backwards.
all of the writing was in jungwon's.
the top read,
———————————————————————
jungwon to hisano
-one-
my first day here.
i wish i got to tell you.
sorry.
i keep putting periods even though it's not a sentence.
haha, sorry.
i don't really like it here, i never really liked the hospital. so i decided to write on here and communicate with you as if we are talking through the journal.
my heart hurts a lot, i feel a lot of pain in my chest area. it actually hurts more than i thought.
i didn't really feel it when i was with you.
you're like some type of medicine. i wish you realized that the day i told you.
there's so many things i wish we could be doing right now. i don't know what, but i just wish we were together.
can i tell you how i'm feeling? i don't want to bore you.
ah, whatever. i'll just say everything until i'm sleepy.
when you walked in the laundromat, i didn't want to stare at you, but i did anyway.
you kind of distracted me, so i couldn't find my coins. i totally forgot that i put them on top of the washing machine.
but if i didn't forget, then maybe all of this wouldn't have happened.
and i'd hate that.
you gave me coins when i asked,
without a second thought.
you're really kind, hisano.
but i didn't want to get close to you, because...
i think you already know.
and you made it so difficult. you always asked questions, and even if i didn't answer, you continued to ask.
it's like you already had these questions written down and you were just pulling them out of your pocket every second.
it was cute.
you were so curious about what type of person i was.
i couldn't understand why.
i always called you weird in my head for that.
i wasn't special, but the way you acted around me, made me feel like i was.
soon enough, i found myself growing attached to you.
i was a bit mean to you at first. it was because you were so stubborn.
but it was hard to actually get mad at you.
that day, on the rooftop,
i brought you up there to cheer you up from your sulky attitude.
but then you played near the ledge, and i got angry.
so you cried when i scared you.
that was rude of me, sorry.
i tried to cheer you up again by showing you the stars.
oh, here is another thing you might find mean.
i'm sorry, but it's hard to keep in a secret for the rest of your life, right?
i had wished, and planned to die before i met you.
i wished it on a star that i claimed when i was a kid.
i didn't think there'd be a day that it'd come true. but when i did wish it, my hopes of dying were strong.
i didn't think i'd regret it.
so i told you, to claim a star.
when i told you that you couldn't claim 'my' star, that was a lie.
because i was actually hoping that you'd claim my star.
the star that was smaller, next to the brighter one, it wasn't mine.
i lied when i said that.
the one that you ended up claiming, was mine.
my goal was for someone to take care of it when i'm not here anymore.
i'm happy it was you.
if it were anyone else, i don't know how i'd feel.
and when i was younger, i always thought that when people die, they turn into stars.
not angels.
well, that's what my mom told me.
it's stupid, i know.
angels were just people sent down from the heavens, ordered to save others like me.
that's what i thought of you the day we met at the bridge.
so maybe when i die, i'll turn into that star.
and you'll continue taking care of it.
unless, you go back to the heavens.
just kidding.
anyway, i'm sorry for lying to you. but i hope you understand.
getting that off my chest makes me feel better.
i think i'll sleep peacefully tonight.
★
sure, yang jungwon.
i'll take care of that star.
i'll take care of you.
♡