I woke up slowly and giggled. I wasn't sure what was funny yet, but I knew it would come soon. I was happy today, snuggling Mr Muggins and sucking on my paci. I felt about as content as I ever had, and completely rested. I hadn't slept so good in the last few days, but now I was all ready to face the world, just as soon as I opened my eyes and got out of bed. I knew I should be moving now, but I didn't want to just yet. My bed felt extra comfy today, and it would still take me another minute to remember what was different.
A minute passed. I could hear voices somewhere outside my door. Mum and Lindy, already awake somewhere in the house. But they weren't right there, because I couldn't hear the words they were saying. Then my memories started to come back. Mum tucking me into bed last night while Lindy giggled. She wanted to feel like she was the big one, and I didn't really mind that. But when I remembered, I knew that I didn't have my paci. Mum had tucked me in, and I hadn't wanted to get up again so I could get it out of my drawer. So what was I sucking? I reluctantly opened my eyes, tried to look down at my own mouth, and slowly realise that it was my own thumb I was sucking on. I laughed to myself a little, finding it funny that I hadn't realised right away. And after another minute, I thought it would be a good idea to stop sucking on it. So I pulled my thumb out and gave Mr Muggins and Lincoln kisses on their cheeks. That was a silly thing to do; I was still acting like a baby, and only made me giggle more. The more I played along with the baby role, the easier it was not to care about what was embarrassing. It was fun, I knew that by now. So why should I care about all the people who'd told me that I shouldn't have fun?
Now my eyes were open, I could see a little strip of rainbow on the wall, shining through the gap in the curtains. The sun must be up already, so my alarm hadn't woken me up. But that was a good thing, because I'd got a full sleep, even after I'd woken up a couple of hours ago. And then I remembered deciding that it was better to wet my diaper than to keep on struggling to hold it. I'd listened to those wind chimes again, the ones I had conditioned myself to respond to. And it had been so easy. I'd let go in seconds and wet myself, and I'd fallen asleep as soon as the pressure in my bladder dropped below some pain threshold, before I even finished peeing. It had been so easy, and I felt great in the morning too. I knew that if I checked my sleep log now, I would find that I'd slept deeper and more efficiently than any night in the last week. I should try to stop thinking of it as gross; this time, having a little accident had been a good thing overall.
At least, until Mum found me in a wet diaper. I didn't know what I would say then. But there was no way I could hide it. I'd made a decision and now I had to live with it. I picked up Lincoln again and snuggled him, telling my best bear that I was going to be okay because Mummy wasn't too mean. I felt a little silly behaving like that, but if I was a baby I should play the role a bit. It didn't do that much for me; the inexplicable joy always seemed to come from other people talking to me like I was a baby. Still, it didn't feel bad as such, and I'd found when Mum last treated me like a little kid that playing the role made it more comfortable for her, reassuring her that it was really something I'm comfortable with.
I looked at my phone again, but there wasn't a reply from Nadine yet. I should just assume that our plans were still on, and that Mr Newman wasn't being a total nightmare after everything that had happened recently. I poked my phone for a few minutes, but I was still limited in what I could do with it. And I knew that I should be getting up, getting dressed, and going about my day. But I was still nervous to open the door; there was a lazy demon on my shoulder telling me that if I put off leaving my room, I might never have to admit to Mum that I was wet.
Those thoughts were interrupted by a sharp rap on the door. I jumped, and almost fell off the bed as I tried to get my balance again. But I quickly hopped up and started running towards the door. Then I hesitated, and turned back. I wasn't dressed yet, and Lindy's demand about not wearing anything over my diaper for bed had become a habit now. I would need to grab my dressing gown at least before letting my family see me. I was just turning round when I heard the door open behind me.
"Rise and shine, baby!" Mum greeted me cheerfully. "Oh, did somebody have a little accident? Don't worry, you're only a little one. You can't help it, can you?"
"Mum!" I yelped and turned around, automatically trying to hide my shame. But my hands couldn't agree whether it was more important to conceal a heavy diaper hanging between my legs, or the red wave surging across my face; and I ended up not effectively covering anything. And when I looked down at the diaper, I realised that the wetness indicator had indeed changed from pastel pink to a vivid blue. There was no way she could possibly have missed that it was wet. "You can't just–"
"Ah ah," she interrupted, putting a finger on my lips. "You're my little one, and I need to take care of you, don't I? I'll have to make sure you're out of bed and ready for breakfast if you can't do it yourself. And I think I need to check your diaper as well, if you didn't even wake up when you needed to go. Until you can prove you're a big girl, you're my little baby again. Weren't those the rules?"
"Yes, Mummy," I mumbled through my interlocking fingers, having decided that covering my face might be the best was to avoid thinking about how all my choices seemed to have vanished. I had no options now, no privacy, and I still had no idea what I was going to say. Was there any way to explain myself?
"Good. then lie down and let Mummy get you all cleaned up."
She unfolded a plastic sheet that could have been some kind of changing mat; probably to make sure that I didn't get pee on the bed while she was taking my diaper off. She spread it out on my bed, and I lay on my back, hands covering my face again. I knew I could have protested, but I couldn't stop thinking that there was still plenty of room for her to find even more humiliating punishments that I hadn't even thought of. I covered my face, and hoped it would all be over soon. And then I heard a muted giggling. Somebody trying to cover their amusement, but not doing so well.
"Linda," Mum spoke sternly this time. "That isn't very polite. Now, can you bring Mummy's diaper bag from your room? You didn't have your sister staring at you, did you?"
The laughter turned into a whine of disapproval, and dopplered off down the hallway. A second later I heard the other door open. A part of me wished I could see what my sister looked like now, sure it would be a little more embarrassing than she had hoped for. Would she still be wearing diapers, or would Mum have given her a pass for today? I suspected that she wouldn't get a reprieve for quite a while; but then I decided that I didn't want to know. If she was dressed in an embarrassingly childish way, then my own options would probably be worse. And that was the kind of torment I could more easily put up with if it was a surprise.
"Thank you, dear," I heard Mum say. The door hadn't opened again, so I guessed Lindy had come through the curtain. She could be watching me right now, and I had no way of knowing. I pulled Mr Muggins up to my face too, imagining that beyond the bears it was only Mum in the room. It was possible, and easier than letting myself worry about things I couldn't control.
"I don't think I need a diaper today?" I said. I'd meant it to be confident, but it came out sounding like I was begging for leniency. "I mean... please? I arranged to meet Nadine. She needs some help buying a present for..."
I couldn't bring myself to say Jim's name. Mum knew a little about him now, but I wasn't sure if she really understood. If she would judge me for helping Nadine find her little piece of happiness.
"Well, you can go and see your little friends," Mum said. "I wouldn't stop that unless you do something bad. But are you sure you can go out without your diapers? Look at your soggy butt now." She probably had a point. The weight of the diaper had startled me when I stood up.
"I think if you'd been in one of those SleepSafe ones it would have leaked already. Did you not know you were wet when you woke up? You should have asked me for a change. And two accidents in two days, I guess you really are a baby, aren't you?"
I could feel the blushes rising, but that just made me more sure that she would probably let me take my diaper off when it was time to go out. Mum knew what Lindy had been doing to me, so she would put the accident down to another trick with a bowl of water... and when that thought crossed my mind, I suddenly started to panic. Because Mum was clearly enunciating every word, making sure that my eavesdropping sister would know the details of my punishment. And Lindy knew that she hadn't done that trick. She would know that I wet the bed without her interference, and that was information that felt like it could have a huge impact on my social life. I didn't know how; there was nobody who would believe her. But I desperately wanted to hide that from her. My mind raced a hundred miles a minute, and found a solution as simple as it was elegant. The truth, or something like it.
"I didn't!" I squealed, as Mum finally pulled my soaked overnight diaper away from me and went to work with baby wipes, making my skin all fresh again. I felt her hesitate, maybe confused. She wondered if I was fishing for extra punishment by lying. "I mean... I didn't have an accident. I just... I woke up really early, and I was bursting. And it was way too early to wake you up when you went to bed ages after me. I didn't know what to do without breaking the rules, so I... I..."
"Shush," Mum's voice was soft again. "Sssssh. It's okay." And somehow that was all she needed to say. I was still more embarrassed than I'd ever been before, but I could trust her to look after everything.
Probably.