in reality, my body hurt a lot.
my limbs were always so cold, and my chest tightened every night.
what if i told her that the heart donor that matched mine, wasn't going to donate to me anymore?
it was going to someone else who's been waiting their whole life for it.
the doctor's asked me, if i wanted it or not.
otherwise, it'd go to that other patient who's been here longer.
i don't know why they even asked me. i just got here.
and there's no way i would be selfish enough to do that.
the guilt i'd have to live with for taking a heart that has been reserved for someone else.
i loved how my life was when she came.
i wanted to continue.
if only i hadn't wished to be gone before i met her.
"you just...?" hisano repeated, snapping me out of my thoughts.
she noticed my blank expression, me forgetting what i was about to say.
then, the sound of the door opening from behind me caught our attention.
"excuse me." the lady said. she had a clipboard in her hand, i don't think she was a nurse.
hisano stood up and went next to me. the lady began to speak while still holding the door open, "sorry to disturb you two, but jungwon's not allowed to have any visitors as of right now." she said, "i'll ask you kindly to leave."
i turned my head to the side, looking at hisano.
the lady spoke again, "take your time." she said, closing the door slowly.
hisano let out an airy sigh, she had a disappointed look on her face. then, she went closer to me, not sparing a glance. her arms moved under mine as she slowly hugged me.
"i can't wait for you to get outta here." she muttered, putting her cheek against my chest.
i slowly placed my hand on the back of her head, running my fingers through her hair, still getting used to the length it was at. i blushed at the thought, knowing it was me who cut her pretty hair like this.
hisano's my comfort. my safe place.
so, just a little bit more.
then, she pulled away, looking down and taking a deep breath before speaking, "u-um. i'll see you again at school!"
i just simply nodded. i was good at hiding the despair i was feeling by smiling.
something i learned from dr. seong, was how he smiled as he lied to me.
covering such feelings with a smile.
"yeah, see you." i replied hesitantly, walking her out with my hand sitting at her shoulder.
before she could exit, i stopped her. "hisano." i said, dropping my hand to my side.
she turned her head, "yeah?"
i brought my fingers together to fiddle with them, "will you please, wash my clothes for me? i want them to be clean when i leave this place." i asked politely, looking down, "please." i finished.
she chuckled.
i really wanted to see that.
"laundry boy, did you know that i hate doing laundry?" she asked. without letting me answer, she spoke again, "but, anything for you!" she said, pointing at me before she brought that finger up to poke my cheek.
i smiled as well, going back in my room to get my messily folded clothes that i had worn when i arrived. i placed it in her arms, watching her walk away while waving goodbye.
i saw heeseung as well, he put his hand up and waved subtly. he mouthed, "miss you."
the smile on my face slowly faded, now melancholic because of how much i missed the both of them.
i quickly forced a smile on my face and waved once more, "i'll be out soon! wait for me, okay?"
they both nodded, hisano waved widely, "i'll wait till the day i die." she laughed, staring at me from afar with a genuine smile on her face.
once her figure got smaller, and the more she got distant, my eyes fogged up in blur.
i realized that tears were filling my eyes. i quickly wiped them away before they could fall.
that whole time, my heart felt like it was being stabbed, and twisted. i winced in pain afterwards but still tried to keep my composure.
what's weird was that, i didn't even notice until now.
she always suppressed that painful feeling, and i wouldn't even realize.
as i turned to take a step back into my room, i suddenly stopped.
not because i wanted to, but because i physically couldn't move anymore.
then and there, is when i collapsed.
i met the cold floor, my cheek against it. my brows furrowed in pain until i couldn't make any type of facial expression anymore. i guess it was because my whole body was too tired.
i didn't know what happened after that. it slowly went black, everything...
i heard the voices of people starting to get loud. they were louder than usual. it sounded like they were panicking.
if i was dying, then i wouldn't mind so much anymore.
the feeling of dying wasn't so bad. it was quite peaceful, actually.
well, i mean, if this is what dying is.
jumping off that bridge would probably be better. seeing her as my last sight would be a dream.
there's still so many things i wanted to do with her. she told me she wanted to have all her first's and last's with me.
if i'm gone, who'll do them for her?
if not me, then who?
i wanted to be the one for her, forever. i wanted everything to be just us two, in this shitty world as we made the best out of it.
she saved me. she saved me so many times and sometimes i didn't even recognize it.
i know i said i didn't want her to save me this time, but maybe that was all a lie.
because deep down, i hoped that she could turn back and come chasing after me like she always did.
i wish she could yell at me one more time, get so worried as if she was my mother. i wish she'd scold me for being so 'careless'.
if i was dying right now, and if i could change my death,
then i'd want to hear hisano's voice.
i'd want her touch, the feeling of her arms wrapped around me, embracing me in her warmth.
i'd want to look at her, until my vision goes away.
if i only had a little bit more time,
then i'd just want her to hold me for a bit longer.
because,
hisano is so precious to me.
the noises of doctors rushing into the room slowly got quieter, the loud yelling for assistance began fading away,
until i couldn't hear a single thing anymore.
————————————————————————
"even as i put all my trust into hope, and fate,
life still decided to turn it's back on me."
♡