This chapter is dedicated to Santoro, with thanks for your support on Patreon.
"Don't forget, we're going to see Uncle Colin tomorrow," Mum called up as I was getting ready for bed. I grunted a response, and tried to think about what that meant. First of all, I was sure that I was going to be exhausted by the end of the day. Visiting relatives was always fun, and I would have a chance to catch up with my cousins, but we would have to be up earlier than usual in the morning and I was already exhausted.
Through the afternoon I'd found a dozen opportunities to talk to Hugo about what had happened between him and Nadine, but he'd always wanted to get back to practice. And with Meghan there, and her brother joining us later, I couldn't demand his attention all to myself. He wasn't being secretive; he just didn't want to interrupt the game. And I'd had to persuade him all over again that I really wanted to learn to play basketball, and wasn't just following in my best friend's footsteps, so I'd known I couldn't postpone the game. So we'd played all afternoon, hours longer than we normally would. If I'd had the chance, I would have gone straight to bed when I got home, but Mum had things she wanted help with, and I'd been blushing too much to make an excuse when she asked me to help with making cookies. And then Lindy had wanted to try on her new uniform, and she wanted me to reassure her that she looked like she belonged at our school.
It was way later than my usual bedtime when I could finally consider turning in, and I had so much to think about, so many answers that I hadn't had time to properly process. I would need to think about it before I could sleep. I knew that much. But then I was really cutting into my daily rest, and I was sure I would be half asleep all day tomorrow.
I tried to just sleep. I could spend the journey tomorrow thinking about what Hugo had told me, and working out whether either of my friends was lying. But it was too complex, and I couldn't get the thoughts out of my mind. I needed to understand this, and my brain wasn't willing to give it a rest. So I sat up and tried to imagine the scenes he had described. It was all too easy; I knew that he tended to be pretty literal. He wasn't an archetypal jock, devoted to his friends. And everything he had said made so much sense.
Hugo loved basketball. He was determined to do his best just because he could. It wasn't for the fame, or the girls, or anything like that. He just loved the game, and couldn't bear to do any less than his best. In his own way he'd been a loner, until he got so good that the school team couldn't ignore him. He'd never been one of the guys, but now he was so good that they were desperate to have him on the team. And the girls hanging around him were the same; they'd seen his athletic prowess and decided that dating the star player was a status symbol. They didn't care about him, and they wanted him without knowing anything about him. He'd only needed to tell me the barest details of his life, and I could understand it so well.
Nadine had caught him one day; probably carefully setting up the situation if I knew her. She'd come to visit Harper when she was out, and gotten talking to Hugo while she waited. She'd said that she wanted to learn basketball, but didn't know where to start. She'd tried to persuade him to teach her, and as the guy with few friends he'd been easy to flatter. Then he'd tried to teach her, but always been frustrated. She didn't practise when he wasn't there. She loved having him pose her, the hands on part of training, but never wanted to try it herself. She'd assumed that he knew this was just an excuse to get his hands on her, and to be so close. When I thought about how it felt to have him holding me, I couldn't blame her. But he'd never realised what she was feeling; he was just too focused on his beloved game.
Nadine thought they'd been dating, talking in euphemisms. She ignored details that didn't fit into what she wanted to believe. But she'd never imagined that such a popular athlete could also be a nerd incapable of reading between the lines. He'd heard people talking about their relationship, and reassured everyone that he was only coaching her. He'd never really understood that she saw it any differently. And then when she tried to suggest that she wanted sex, when neither of them was really ready for it, he'd just said that they weren't old enough to be thinking about that stuff. She must have taken that as treating her like a child; but really he'd been saying that he wasn't ready. She bought into the jock stereotypes so much that she never understood it that way.
What could I do about it? I didn't know. But I knew now that their breakup had been a big misunderstanding. The same as their relationship really. Maybe I didn't need to say anything; Nadine had Jim now, and she was a lot more mature than she had been. And her infatuation with Hugo had led to her waiting outside his house so many times, and made her my best friend. Everything had worked out well in the end. Now I was his student, and we both understood that it was only about the game. That wasn't something I should be disappointed about. So it had turned out well.
I looked at the clock, and told myself that I needed to sleep. I'd spent way too long thinking, comparing the facts that my friends had given me. I understood now, but I probably only had five or six hours before I would need to be getting up again. And that wasn't enough, when my body and mind were already exhausted. My watch could optimise the alarm, waking me in a sleep state where I would feel most rested, but there was nothing it could do to make me sleep more deeply. And that was what I needed now.
Of course, there was one way to sleep deeper. That was the whole point of those meditation things I'd been listening to; they helped you to sleep so deeply that you didn't need to retain any control. But that was still gross and unhygienic. I didn't want to sleep that deeply. It was only a coincidence that I'd slept so deeply on the few days that I listened to the thing. Or that Lindy had woken more rested on the occasional days when her hand had a sate with a bowl of water. Still, I knew that if I really wanted to sleep deeply, it might help.
What could it hurt? The devil on my shoulder always asked the tough questions. It was gross, sure. But I'd woken up wet before. Including twice when I hadn't even listened to the thing, when there was no reason for it to happen. It had never really been uncomfortable. And if I slept more deeply like that, maybe it was a good thing. Just another tool I could use, it wouldn't be embarrassing at all. I reassured myself, and picked up my phone from the floor beside the bed. There were two files on there; I couldn't use the real one with the instructions on, because that would be a big deal if somebody overheard what it was talking about. But there was a shorter one, that was supposed to just be a clip of the wind chimes to remind you how it felt to listen. That one might even help me to relax more, and to sleep better, without any weird side effects. So I cued it up and hit 'play'.
Rustling leaves greeted my ears, like the wind in the woodlands. It was relaxing, and I could remember just how good it had felt to walk through the woods in that dream. And how clear the wind chimes sounded, guiding me to the side of the stream. I could remember how calming it had felt to feel warm water rushing over my hands, reminding me just how good it felt to be so little that I could stop holding it back.
I snuggled Lincoln close and giggled into his fur. It was so easy being a baby, and comfy too. As soon as I felt the warmth of the diaper pressed against me, it brought with it a wave of complete contentment. I didn't need to worry about a thing, I could just let it happen and know that I was a good baby. I didn't need to hold it, didn't need to think. And my eyes were closed without any decision from my brain, even before the few seconds of chimes faded into silence.
If you're eager to see the next chapter, let me know what you're expecting next and check back in a couple of hours. I'll be posting more than the usual number of chapters today, while it's the first of the month ☺