{Please listen to 'In The Morning' by Keaton Henson when reading this chapter, I just think it will make for the perfect ending.}
Darling Lana,
We’ll work it all out, I promise you that, don’t worry about a thing, sweet pea. This relationship will always work, we’re engaged remember? I love you too. I’m happy you realize that I’m not doing this for me, I really do believe that things will be better in the long run if we do this now. We’ve only known each other five months, imagine how hard it would be to be separated from one another when it’s been years. You’re right, I don’t give a flying fuck about the media. You’re really smart, Lana, you understand a lot of things better than I ever have.
I used to have to go to Sunday school, at church back home with my sisters, and they taught us about the value of marriage. A lot of things I heard back then I have forgotten, a lot of things I thought were stupid and unnecessary but I remember how they told us about wedding rings. They’re circular, because they never end, just like a marriage is meant to last for eternity. I thought that was nice, the fact that love is eternal when symbolized by a ring; it’s not just metal and rock to me, it’s a commitment, and I hope you feel the same.
We can never be too dreamy or imaginative, I think it’s what makes us so special. We’re romantics, don’t you think, obsessed with classic literature and interesting films and anything which makes us think about how beautiful the world is? Things like this make me question everything, without questions we’d be ever so boring and ordinary. Let’s not stop all that. The world is a mystery, if you can understand just a fraction of it I think you’re doing pretty well.
I thought you may say no because of your age, because you’re so young. We’re still children really, well, you are, I’m feeling less and less like that these days, more responsible. I wish I had met you when we were both young teenagers, thirteen maybe, we could have spent our entire adolescence together, figuring out who we were. I met your father for coffee one day, in Fulham, and we talked about stuff and I asked him. I think he was shocked at first, which was fair enough, and then he began to smile and told me a little of his life. He said, “if you love her half as much as I do, then you are more than welcome to ask her.” He made me promise something, but that’s a secret.
A couple of weeks seems like a lifetime away, maybe we could go to the beach before then? Do you think he was flirting with you, should I feel protective over you or is there no threat? He’d probably make a good friend, you should text him one day. Soon you’ll be able to escape, you’ve just got to last out a little bit longer, do your exams and then you’re free to do as you please.
They’re never that terrible, my nightmares, they just make me anxious and uneasy. You don’t hate school, this is just a phase. One day, something will happen, in a lesson or at lunch, and you’ll remember how much fun you’re having and how lucky you are to attend such a wonderful school. Sometimes I wish I was a girl so I could have gone there when I was your age. I’m glad you’re making decisions, I don’t mind what you do, but you need to choose a path.
I’m not sure, I’m trying to work it all out. Of course we should continue these emails, always, forever, but I couldn’t go longer than a few weeks, months, without seeing you, it would be too torturous. Don’t tell the media anything, let them make their own assumptions, maybe that we’re just friends, or that we’re having difficulties in our relationship. I don’t mind what you tell your friends, but it could be complicated to explain to people who don’t understand. There’s nothing wrong with insanity. I understand the problem you’re having because whenever I’m trying not to think of you, I’ll see an item of clothing you’ve left in my apartment, or smell the incense which clings to your clothes. It’s hard, it really is.
Yours Hopelessly,
Kit
P.S. You’ll probably be known as ‘that sixth former whose engaged’, there was always one of those at my school, someone the younger years were in awe of. I really like Jimmy, I see that he’s like the brother you never had, he seems to ground you. It’s important to me that you have other people who care for you almost as much as I do. Travel! It would be so much fun, do you know where you would go? I know you’re tough, but don’t feel too proud to ask me for money; what else am I going to spend it on? Don’t stop crying, if you stop crying that implies that you’re becoming less emotionally attached, don’t go doing that.
* * *
Charming Kit,
We’re engaged; it sounds so ridiculous, doesn’t it? I’m only eighteen, a few months ago I would never have dreamed I’d be in a relationship with Christopher Ainsworth, but here we are. You’re right, about the separation, but understand that I am going to miss you so much. Don’t call me smart, please, you know me so much better than that. I never knew that, about you going to church? I did too, when I was at primary school, but I didn’t care for it too much. The ritual was nice, I suppose.
I thought you should know that I have always wanted someone like you, someone whom I could communicate with on every single level. I’ve always wanted to be like a couple in one of the books I’ve read, perfect to people on the outside looking in. I mean, I know we’re not perfect, far from it, but, I guess, I guess it’s hard to explain. It’s like when we’re sitting on the beach, watching the stars in the sky, realizing how vast the universe is. The universe isn’t perfect, but it seems it in that moment.
I honestly don’t think I could have said no even if it was an irresponsible decision, because I love you too much. It may not seem possible, to love something too much, but I know for a fact that it is; it hurts sometimes, Kit, in a good way I suppose, knowing that someone out there loves me as much as you do. Teenage years with you would have been wonderful, things would have made so much more sense then. I’m surprised at my father, I would have thought he would be completely shocked at the idea. Go on, tell me the secret, I’m good at keeping them, I swear.
The beach is like our own special place, I haven’t been there since the pier, it felt wrong going without you. I don’t think it was flirting, I expect him to know exactly what’s going on with my life, in which case he would know about you, and how much we love each other. If he was my friend, I’d feel like I had a magic 8 ball with me the whole time, because I’m sure he’s psychic. Exams are stupid and I don’t like them very much.
I guess hate is a strong word, but it’s getting harder to go to the same lessons everyday, the same teachers, see the same people. It’s monotonous, and the structure of the day is starting to feel stifling. There are moments, with my friends at lunch, when we’re laughing so hard I fear my lungs will be projected from my mouth, my stomach to burst. I’ll miss those times, but I’m not saying goodbye to them completely, I’ll visit them all at university, it will give me an excuse to get a feel for the experience I’m missing.
I’m beginning to forget tiny details of your face, like freckles and tiny blemishes, like that chickenpox scar by your right ear. It’s going to be hard, reading about us in the media, but maybe I’ve just got to ignore it, avoid all the TV shows on Hollywood news and fashion magazines. I was sitting in my bedroom the other evening, finishing off some work, when I went to get some socks because it was cold. I accidentally pulled open the bottom drawer and it still had some of your stuff in it, an old aftershave and deodorant, a pair of boxers and a vest. Your toothbrush is still with mine in the little cup by the sink.
Yours Wistfully,
Lana
P.S. Oh God, I remember a sixth former who was engaged when I was in Year 7, I never thought I’d be that girl! It will probably help my street credit if I’m honest, before you I doubt anyone in younger years would have remembered me after I’d left. Jimmy is brilliant, and he’s so talented, he just doesn’t believe it truly. He booked a holiday for us, we’re leaving next week, once we’ve broken up from college. It’s a trip to stay with his Grandmother in Moscow, I’ve always wanted to go, the city looks beautiful. It will probably be a cheap trip, Jimmy bought my ticket as a three month late birthday present. It’s started snowing here which is upsetting because I would love so terribly to go play in the snow with you.
* * *
Beautiful Lana,
It is ridiculous to be engaged, but kind of wonderful too, don’t you think? I have always wondered what it would feel like to be this in love, to be this attached to the other person. As a child I think I secretly yearned for this kind of relationship, so I didn’t have to be lonely; I was a lonely child. You cannot miss me as much as I miss you, it is scientifically impossible. If it makes you feel any better, know that I will be thinking of you every second that we are apart.
Isn’t that what everyone wants? A soulmate? I know it’s cheesy and overrated, but isn’t that what we are? I don’t know if I could think of another word to explain what we are, what this is. We understand each other, we’re alike, we compliment each other, we don’t get bored. I’ve been in relationships where the more you know about the other person, the more dull they become, with you this is the complete opposite. Every detail I discover about you causes me to fall deeper in love with you.
You’re words make me feel so gleeful. It’s stupid, the way I smile when reading these emails, like some kind of lovestruck idiot. Sometimes I feel bad for how attached I feel to you, but then I realize that that codependence only makes us stronger. I’m better in every possible way when we’re together. When I was a teenager I was so lost, I could have done with a moral compass, someone like you. I don’t think I can tell you, although I’m tempted. Maybe one day, when we’re old and grey, I’ll let it slip, and it will have been worth the wait.
I think that’s what I dream of, most nights, the beach, the pebbles, the waves; I don’t think it would be the same in the summer, it wouldn’t feel right without the biting winds. Maybe Rafael knows full well about me and is willing to disregard all of that for a chance to be with you? I know if I was in his position I wouldn’t be able to help myself, lose the opportunity to fall in love with a girl like you. I’ve never had a magic 8 ball before, no-one likes exams, but at least you’re good at them.
I understand what you mean, I can barely recall the exact shape of your lips, how awful is that? I wish I had categorized every little aspect of your face, so at moments like this I could close my eyes and remember them exactly. It’s hard to ignore all of the media, especially as you should try to get publicity for the band when you’ve started gigging a little more often. I’ll come to all your shows, that I can promise you. There’s a bottle of your perfume in my bathroom; I wasn’t going to tell you because I’ve been spraying my wardrobe and apartment with it to pretend you’re still around.
Forever Yours,
Kit
P.S. All of your friends would have remembered you, and your teachers; Dahlia told me that everyone at that school of yours loves you. I’m excited for you, I’ve never visited Russia either, I bet you it will be cold, dress up warm and be safe, send me photographs. I’m stuck in Yorkshire now, the snow’s a lot heavier up here than where you are, I was hoping to see you before you left for Moscow.
* * *
Dearest Kit,
It’s wonderful because now I have something which physically binds us, before it was all just heart and soul, now it’s carved out in precious metal and stone. This love is the kind of love you see in those horribly synthetic American movies, in high school, you know the ones. Despite the fact I have always denied my need for anyone else, I think deep down I have always craved for this kind of attention, for the physical contact. I miss the way your skin feels against mine. Don’t go making up scientific laws; I miss you too, so terribly that sometimes I feel as though my heart will burst from my chest in a display of utter distress and despair.
You didn’t know me before we had met; I know this goes without saying and I’m kind of stating the obvious, but let me explain. You weren’t there when I had arguments with friends, when I became depressed because I felt oh so alone in this world, no-one who understood, no-one to hold me. You weren’t there when he broke my heart, when my confidence crumbled because I hand’t been good enough for him. But then, we began speaking, and we met, and suddenly everything seemed so much better and so much brighter. I felt secure with who I was, I didn’t need to change my personality or my appearance to fit in with my peers or to please boys I met. You have done more for me than you will ever understand, without you I would not be the person I am today, you have transformed my life forever.
I don’t think Rafael thinks like that, not if we’re still assuming he’s an angel, angels don’t do those kinds of things. I would imagine him to have jet black wings, unfolding to a great size, overwhelming, because he’s always dressed in such dark colours. He reminds me so much of Johnny Cash, not only in the way he dresses, but in his outlook on life; it’s just so honest. Most people are scared of truth like that, because it’s ugly and it hurts, but he isn’t, and that’s something I admire. I’ll send you a magic 8 ball, to help you make tough decisions when I’m not around.
My lips are terribly normal, the bottom slightly heavier than the top, in a way which causes a shadow to fall across my chin. When I wake up in the morning, in a haze, I have a strange feeling of familiarity, as if I have just seen you again. I have a suspicion that I dream of you, dream of us being together; it’s a pity I can never remember what happens in them when I wake up, but the unknown gives me something to dwell over when I’m pretending to listen to my Chemistry teacher. You can keep the perfume, keep it in your suitcase when you travel, I’ve started carrying around your aftershave in the inside pocket of my coat, it feels safe then.
I’m leaving for Moscow in the morning and I don’t know when I’m due to return. I don’t think I’ll have internet where I’m staying, and in any case, I’m leaving my laptop at home. Trust that I am safe and in good hands, trust that we will be with each other soon, even though soon is not soon enough. I love you.
Yours Always,
Lana
P.S. I can’t bear to finish this email because that will mean it’s time for me to go to sleep and then this thin connection we have, through our letters, through our words, will be broken. I don’t want to start crying again, I’ve been doing that a lot recently, and it hurts me. My heart breaks a little and it feels like all I want is for you to crack open my sternum and pull, my little ribs around you. I wish I could take credit for those lyrics, but I must be honest.
I honestly believe that I love you more than any other human being has ever loved someone in the history of the world. I love you, I love you, I love you; I love you a lot. I love you, and one day we we’ll be married. I love you, and maybe one day we’ll be nobodies together. I love you, and one day, we’ll spend eternity together.