ESTHER
The breakfast was average. I mean my coffee was the best. Mery kept talking, and I kept hating on her, rolling my eyes each time she would speak, and even Sebastian was quiet. Time after time he would glance at me, and smile. I would again roll my eyes, which would make him laugh, and only then Mery would realize that she was the only one talking without anyone listening to her, but soon she would continue.
I can't lie, it's been an eternity since I've had breakfast with someone. Usually, I don't even have it, or I take something fast before I leave my apartment early to head to my job. Now, I don't have a job. Yet. Sebastian said he'll find me one, and currently, we've been walking for more than an hour. And to be honest, I keep doubting him, thinking that he lied to me again.
"Why did you lie to me?"
He turns to me abruptly and tilts his head. "What?"
"What what?", I snap, walking faster. He quickly keeps up with me. I cross my hands against my chest because the air is slightly fresher today. "Don't play innocent now. You lied to me."
"About what? I don't lie, Larsson."
I hate the way he says my last name. "You do Tomlinson. You lied to me about Mery. You said you don't have a girlfriend and that you don't bring girls to your place. That was obviously a lie." I shrug and sense him watching me, while I look in front of me, scared to face him.
He irritates me so much. He also makes me want to believe him whatever he tells me. And stupidly I did. I came to him to ask for my job, I came... I wanted to try with him. I sensed that he was a different therapist. But all of that is gone with the wind now. He lied, and I will never forgive him that.
"I didn't lie", he denies though. Oh, you just keep doing that, you'll make it worse. Harder for me to believe you again. No, I won't believe him again. Ever. "We've just met last night."
"Yeah, sure, I believe you."
"I'm serious."
"I'm more serious."
She scoffs. "Why would you even care, Larsson?"
"I don't care about her, Tomlinson", I hiss the last word, "I care that you lied to me. How am I going to...", I trail off.
"How are you going to what?" When I lift my head, I see that he closed the approximation between us, and I let the gasp escape my mouth. "Why does it bother you that I might have a girlfriend, Larsson?"
"Might?", I snap, taking a step back, but my back senses the wall, and when I turn to it, I see it with my eyes, too, as if I thought that maybe I was imagining it. "She calls you love and everything!", I snap again. Why can't I keep my voice down when we are in the middle of the street? When I glance around I see that it is, thankfully empty.
"So what?"
"So what?", I repeat bitterly. "You had been living with her when you told me that you were al..." Sebastian pulls me by my necklace, and I gasp one more time.
"So what?", he repeats, with a low voice, looking down at me. At my neck, and my... Is he looking at my lips? He was doing that too when I was with him in his office the last time. Why that is something I have no idea. "Tell me why do you care?"
"I... I don't", I barely gather my voice to speak. "I don't", I say more confident.
"You do. Tell me why."
He pulls my necklace stronger, and when I look down at it, I see that it is on the edge to break. "You'll break it."
"Why do you care?"
"For the necklace or for y-you?", I stutter on the last word.
"For both. For... the necklace", he says unsure as if he knew that I would never tell him why do I care for him, but he quickly changes his mind. "For me. Why do you care for me and my life? Why do you want to know who appears in my life and when?"
"Because you are alone."
Because I'm alone, too.
Because I thought that you could heal me finally because you understood how hard it is to live alone your whole life.
Because each therapist I bumped into was with a big happy family that I could only dream of. And you were alone. At least until now. Until that bird with an awfully high-pitched voice. and I thought that only because of that you could understand me better than any of them.
I sense that he let go of my necklace, and I stop standing on tippy-toes, something that I haven't noticed before he let go of me.
"So what if I'm alone? Why does that matter?" He sounds nervous. "My life shouldn't concern you. I should be concerned about your life. Not the other way around." I shake my head and open my mouth to speak, but he cuts me off. "Don't shake your head on me, Larsson. That's how it should be."
"I don't want to go on your sessions unless I know something about you. Something no one knows."
He frowns and walks closer to me again because when I said that thing about him being alone he walked a little bit away from me. "And why do you want to know that?"
"Because." I shrug.
"A real answer", he demands.
"Fine", I huff. "Because it's only fair that way."
"Why is it far?" I shrug again, and he runs his hand through his hair, irritated. "C'mon, Esther, you are not five I don't need to pull the words out of your mouth. You can tell me. I need you to tell me."
Esther. He called me Esther. Just like back there in his apartment when he thought that the owner of the place I live in did something to me against my will. He rarely calls me by my name. I don't really hate my name as much as I should because it's the only thing I have left from her. From my mother. But when I think better I don't really like it that much either because it reminds me of her. Of the woman who abandoned me.
"And I need you not to lie to me!", I scream.
"Oh, God, I'm not lying, Larsson!"
"You are Tomlinson! You are! Why would I believe you that you met her by an accident last night and that you took her to your apartment, and had an amazing night filled with tons of sex and kisses!"
"That is exactly what happened!" He points at me with his big palms, and I think that he looks kinda desperate, trying to explain to me that I'm wrong. But I'm not. I still don't believe him. I will never believe him. "Why won't you believe me? And more importantly why am I even explaining that to you?", he murmurs into his chin, but I still hear him. Like I've said I have a great hearing.
"I just won't believe you no matter what."
"No matter?" He snaps his head to me, one hand running through his now messy, like-a-bomb-dropped-to-his-hair. "No matter what I do?"
"No matt... Well, unless you get to share something with me no one knows."
"And if I do that and you still decide not to believe me?"
Is he scared?
"Well, yours is to try."
"Do you think that's easy?"
"Do you?", I yell, facing him. "You keep asking from me to do the same, and I can't. I don't believe people, Tomlinson." I take a step forward, looking up in the sky because he is so damn tall unlike me. "And just when I..."
"When you what?" He takes a step forward, too, and now we are too close. I fight not to gasp. He grabs my necklace again. "Tell me, and maybe I decide to share a secret with you."
"When I thought that I...", I gulp, "I could believe you, you do this. I want to believe you, but I can't when I know nothing about you. That's why I said that it is only fair if we both share things about each other. I never understood why only I got to share things, and my other therapists nothing. It's not fair, do you agree?"
"Surprisingly I do", he sighs.
"Yes, surprisingly", I exhale, too.
"But I told you all my favorite things, didn't I?"
"You told me only the bright side of you. Do you want to know the bright side of me, Sebastian?" Damn, I wanted to say Tomlinson.
"I do. Of course, I do." He plays with the sign of my necklace, and he isn't pulling it that strong now.
"But..."
"What but?" He lifts his eyes to me, slowly dropping the necklace. It means so much to me, I don't want him to break it because I'm too stubborn to answer him some questions he demands to know.
"There is a but. You want to know my dark side, too. You want to know it even more than my bright side."
"That is because I want to help you."
"I can't..."
"Shhh." He covers my mouth with his palm. "Don't say anything before you try. You can't know." He slowly removes his hand from my face, and in the process brushes my chin, and I want to scream to him not to touch me. And just when I think I shouldn't do that, I do it anyway.
"Don't touch me or my necklace anymore." I manage to pull away quickly before he gets to pull my wrist or my waist.
"Why? Why does that necklace mean so much to you?"
"I told you. Besides you ask too many questions, Tomlinson, demand so much, and give nothing in return."
"I'll give you", he breathes out.
"Really?" I blink rapidly, unable to believe it. "You will. Woah, that was quick. So, tell me, what is your darkest deepest secret, therapist?"
"Not now." Just like that he ruins all of my hopes. "When I decide which secret to tell you. I may as well have a couple of them under the sleeve, Larsson."
"As you say, Tomlinson. As you say. But until then I don't believe you."
"Among us, Larsson, I don't believe you either", he whispers in my ear, and I swear I got shivers. This is why I hate touch, this. It does something to me. Something indescribable.
"As you shouldn't Tomlinson. I'm not the person people believe in. I might let you down. But you are already deep in this, so there is no going back. And so am I. Deep in this shit", I mumble in my chin.