Warnings: self harm
I'll warn you with this sign: ⚠️
but please don't read it if it triggers you, there's a lot in here
please stay safe <3
Bucky's POV:
Why can't Steve be gay? Or pan? Or bi? Or just something except for straight? I've been in love with this innocent boy for so long and now I've lost him forever. You say I'm being dramatic? Well you don't see him with his girlfriend right now, don't you? He's laughing about something she said and looks genuinely happy. Why am I such a loser? I waited too long, just because I'm a fucking wimp. He also started spending less time with me. But I started spending time with...- Oh wait right, I have no one. Lovely, just lovely. He's way too perfect for me. Kind, strong, hot. And what am I? A serial killer, an experiment, a monster. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just enjoy my life and forget about my past? I hate myself. I literally hate myself.
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And I sadly found a way to to release the stress. I'm not proud of it. Definitely not. But I can't stop. Sometimes it's just too much. And I can't help myself. The red blood trickling down my real arm. The physical pain replacing the mental pain. The numbing feeling. Pure emptiness in my head when I press the blade down. The exhaustion. The need to punish myself for being such a loser. Nobody knows about this. Not even Steve. I don't want anybody's pity.
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Steve's POV:
Why can't Bucky be gay? Or pan? Or bi? Or just something except for straight? I've been in love with this fearless, protective man for so long but I'm sure he doesn't like me back. So I'm trying to move on. But it just doesn't work. When I'm on a date I'm thinking about how it would feel if Bucky would sit opposite me. When I kiss my girlfriend, how it would feel to kiss Buck. I may look happy with her but I know she's not right for me. But I can't break up with her. I don't want to. She looks so happy. So free. I can't destroy that, even if it's hurting me. If I just knew how Bucky feels.
3rd person's POV:
Neither of them did know that Wanda was training her powers and accidentally read their minds. And maybe made it to her very own quest to bring the two together and to make Buck stop cutting himself. And she already has an idea... How about that... she transfers every thought they have about each other into the others head? Or when Bucky feels low that Steve hears his thoughts? We will see how it will work out...
Steve's POV, 1 week later:
"He's beautiful... And I'm a monster." Who said that? What the hell did I just hear? Am I crazy? I'm alone in my room. Nobody's in here... "But he has a girlfriend and he's definitely not gay..." I...- What the hell?? Am I out of my mind? What's going on? And why does this voice kind of sound familiar? If this is some weird game Wanda is playing with me, I will kill her. Why not ask her? Let's just go. But wait if she says no she'll probably sends me directly to a psychologist. That's not worth the risk. Maybe I'm just tired. If I hear this voice again then I'll think more about it. But why did they sound so sad? And why did they say they are a monster? And why the hell do I want to hear them again? Just to know that they are ok? I only know one person who once said that they were a monster and I didn't like it at all. It was Buck,...
Bucky's POV:
"...a loving, caring man. Nobody is a monster. As soon as somebody regrets it they are definitely not a monster for me. Because then they have potential to get better." Who the hell said that? Are you fucking kidding me right now? I'm a monster, stupid and useless and now I'm crazy? I'm hearing voices talking about "nobody is a monster and blah blah" but nobody is in the room? Isn't it enough that...
Steve's POV:
"... I already hate myself? Does my fucking mind needs to play tricks on right now?" LaNgUaGe! Why do they do this to them self? I don't think that I'm imagining that anymore. It seems way too real. And if would be a joke from Wanda she'd already told me. It has to be another person's thoughts about them self and someone they love. The voice, which I don't hear clear, the language, the structure of the sentences... they seem incredibly familiar. And it bugs me so much that I don't know from where I know this voice. Maybe... when I think about it.... Maybe I can send them a message back? Let's try. Maybe if I focus on a sentence and try do make it as clear as possible.... "You should...
Bucky's POV:
" ... not hate yourself. I'm sure you are beautiful even if you don't see it. Inside and outside. Don't judge yourself that much. And if this person doesn't love you back they are not worth it! Got it?" Pfff... Is my subconscious playing tricks on me? What if it's somebody else's voice? What if they are really talking to me? Noooo, don't even think about it. But would it hurt to try out if I can send them a message? No. So let's try. Wait... if I think about it... I know that voice... but from where? Let's just try: "It's not like I don't try to tell that to myse...
Steve's POV:
"...lf everyday. I'm just a wimp. Can't even ask the boy out I liked for so long. And now he's taken and he looks happy." Awww, poor thing. I know exactly how one sided love feels. "So sorry for you! Let's sleep and talk more tomorrow."
1 week time skip, they talked sometimes to each other but never figured out who the other person was
Bucky's POV:
I had a nightmare. Nothing unusual but it was worse then the other ones. Everyone I touched died. Everyone I loved died. And every death was my fault. As so many death were too. Death there, dying friends there, dead bodys there, me standing in the middle, no emotions on my face, doing nothing. Too much... way too much. I hastily get up and run to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and see a pale man. Sweaty. Tired. In pain. Broken.
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I don't see an other way. I don't think there is an other way to get at least the mental pain away. With shaking hands I grab the razor blades. I slowly trace the blade with my fingertips. So close to make a cut into my arm. Not noticing the voice in my head. Tracing the blade over my bare skin. Lightly scraping it. Already feeling a little bit less anxious. Just feeling the control. Then pushing the blade down. One for being a monster, one for being gay, one for being ugly, one for being a wimp, one for being in love with my best friend and at least three for all the people I killed. I started feeling dizzy. Way more dizzy than ever before when I cut myself. O-... ne mo-..re for be-..ing a mon-..ster. Before I pass out I see a person running towards me.
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Let's go back to Bucky's nightmare, Steve's POV:
I wake up and I can't help feeling weird. Actually frightened and afraid. Something bad will happen I can feel it. I feel someones feelings: So much self hatred, shocked, afraid and disgusted. Oh no. What's happening? I think it's the person who is in my mind. I try to send a message: "Please hear me out! Wherever you are and whoever you are please listen to me! You are nice. Not a monster. Please don't do anything you will regret later. Please don't!" I then suddenly had the urge to check on Bucky. I couldn't resist and went to his room. Please let him be in his bed, sleeping and just scolding me because I woke him up. I silently entered the room. No Bucky. I got such a bad feeling. It's the worst feeling I ever had. Maybe he is in the bathroom. While walking there I still tried to communicate with my mate over our minds. But there was no response. Quietly knocking on the door I waited for a reaction. When I heard somebody counting and sometimes a hiss of of pain I tried to open the door immediately. Locked. I literally just smashed the door.
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But I was too late. When I got in the room I just saw Buck pass out. Awfully red blood everywhere. A razor blade in his hand. So much blood on his arm. I immediately pressed the alarm button which you can find in every room. Tony was the first one next to me and handled quickly. I already picked Buck up bridal style and was carrying him out of the room to Tony's labor. Tony informed Bruce and hurried after me.
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Buck's stable. For now. I just want that everything was a dream. I had this weird feeling. Why didn't I hurry up. Maybe he would have less cuts if I just hurried up a little bit. How did I not notice how he feels? I left him alone with the whole situation. I'm a shitty friend. And yes I just swore. I'm pretty sure he's my mate. Which would mean that he told himself on a daily basis that he's a monster, ugly and that nobody likes him. It would also mean that he has a crush on his guy best friend, which would be me. How could I not notice any of this stuff? I'm so sorry Buck. I was just crying over the last hour. Sitting in a chair next to his bed. Holding his hand in mine as if my life depends on it. Please, please, please don't leave me.
Bucky's POV:
Everything hurts. My head feels like it will explode any second, my right wrist hurts and my metal hand is nearly being squashed. But from what? I try opening my eyes just to close them. Way to bright this damn light. But let's try again. Did it, yes! When I turn my head to the left to see who's nearly breaking my metal hand I coe. Steve's sleeping in a chair holding my hand. I see the tear stains on his cheeks and I feel so sorry. I think Steve is the one I was communicating to the whole last week. Wait.... My mind is still a bit cloudy... but would that mean he likes me? Because he said that he has a girlfriend but actually is in love with his guy best friend. Wouldn't that be me? I softly squeeze his hand and woke him up, not intentionally. "Sorry doll. Shit, sorry. Oh god, I'm so sorry." I can't believe I just called him doll. That's a pet name for when you're in a relationship, right? But to my surprise he just chuckles and says: "No worries, love." Are these the painkillers or why do I feel that giddy? But then he needed to destroy the moment with saying: "You know we need to talk about the.... thing." I know we do but that doesn't mean I want to. I just want to ask him if he also heard a voice over the last few weeks but what if he didn't?
Steve's POV:
I really want to talk about the voice in my head but he also looks like he wants to say something. But after a awkward minute of pure silence I decide to say something. "You know.... I heard a voice for the last few weeks. And it sounded so much like yours. Like the structure and the use of words. But is probably isn't even true. Oh god it definitely isn't true. Can we please just forget that I said that? It's so wei-...." I feel a hand gripping mine and a soothing voice said: "Stop rambling, doll. I heard it too." I feel butterflies erupt in my tummy. I love this pet name. "You heard it too?", I ask. Stupid question I know but I need to be sure. "Yes" was the simple answer. "Buck... I'm so sorry. I've never noticed how much all this affects you. You just seemed happy and I just... there is no excuse. I need you to know that I'm incredibly sorry." I see that he has tears in his eyes. "Can we please leave this topic for another day? I don't have enough power to talk about it right now. But please don't feel guilty. You didn't notice because I didn't want anyone to notice." After that we sat there. Just thinking. Then Bucky broke the silence: "So, you aren't in love with Rachel?" "No I'm not. And are you really in love with your best friend?" He turned so red I thought his head would explode. But the he answered with a silent: "yes" and then said cockily: "I could ask you the same question actually...." I just sigh. I knew he would ask. "Yes, everything you heard was true. Please don't be disgusted and call me faggot. If you don't want something to happen we could just stay friends?" I really hope he doesn't want to be just friends but I can't lose my only friend. I didn't even notice that Buck sat up and that his face was really close to mine. "You heard what I thought too, didn't you?" Not used to this sudden closeness I could only reply with a small nod. "See, then why do you think I would reject you? You heard all of my thoughts about you. So just kiss me already." I smirk. Why am I not surprised that Buck said that? "Come on, I'm waiting..." I press a small kiss to his lips and could clearly feel his smile.
"Now that took you two a while.", someone said, destroying this beautiful moment. I see Wanda standing smiling in the door frame. "Wanda is it possible that you had something to do with that we could read each others thoughts?" A sweet "yes" was the answer. "You two needed some help. Both of you were incredibly unhappy and all you needed was each other." We exchanged a glance and Bucky silently said: "Thank you." Not many words but you could hear the deeper feelings hid behind this sentence. Wanda just smiled and left the room to give us some space. When I looked down I saw Bucky smiling at me with a loving look on his face. "Can we cuddle please?", he asks with a voice you could compare to a child. "Of course, darling", I smile.
Well that was a long one shot, but I didn't want to split it into two parts ;) hope you liked it <3
Thanks a lot for the great idea sushil0v3r <3
26/04/22
2560 words <3