co-translator : zosik39
Chapter 16
-View (Kavee)-
-The last time-
Like that day, I really didn't know.
That was the last day we would see each other.
You and me... we will never see each other again.
'Miss Wanyiwa Phongphakakarn'
The image of P'Wa that I see standing in front of the coffin is the most beautiful face I have ever seen. The sweet face of the sister I love raised a faint smile, indicating that P'Wa was always a happy person. I sat and looked at my little sister's photo repeatedly. I stayed there because I couldn't move my tired body.
I'm tired.
I am discouraged.
I don't want to live my life with these kind of goodbyes over and over again.
Why is the person who left me not here?
The repetitive thoughts in my mind constantly eroded my body, until almost powerless, even moving the fingertips is too much.
I didn't even know that day. The day we were together a normal day with clear weather. The day I was happy when I spent time with P'Wa, before it was time to go back to the condo that night.
Back to the last day the two of us were together.
That I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
I didn't even have time to say I love you.
Everything went so fast.
Too fast, the slower heart of mine might have been alright.
"Look, let's eat a little."
"..."
I can only look at the people who have called me by my name several times and I don't know how many times they will. I have not been able to answer anything and recover. He could only shake my heavy head, to tell the people that he has been by my side ever since that day.
That the day my world fell apart.
"P'Wa, do I continue reading the book? It's almost finished."
That morning I went downstairs with P'Wa, the two of us sharing the breakfast table with my parents and the twins. After finishing breakfast. We moved in and sat in the living room of the house as we normally did. My new parents went to water the plants in the backyard.
The twins stopped by to chat and play with us for a bit, before going up to the room. The only thing left was P'Wa and me. The activity that the two brothers did during this period was to find a good book to sit down and read together.
Most of the time, P'Wa was the person reading to me. But that day, P'Wa told me that she felt dizzy. The reading page at that time became mine.
P'Wa's condition at the time didn't look bad at all. It was just a common headache that we are all frequent to have. I thought about letting her rest her eyes on her for a while.
"I'm tired today, can you read it to me?"
"Okay, then you can lie down on the sofa. Just sit back and listen to View."
"um"
I agreed to P'Wa's request before propping the slender figure up so she could lie back on the sofa. I looked at my little sister who had a bad expression on her face for a moment. Before asking again, P'Wa assures that this really isn't a big deal. As you say, right?
"Are you sure not, you went to the doctor. And this is actually solved by taking the pills."
"Yes, read it, I want to hear it."
"Good"
Because the sweet voice was still normal as usual. Do not worry or bother me at all, that was the last sentence I would hear from the pretty mouth of my only sister.
"Huek, P'Wa, Huh, I'm sorry."
"Look, calm down." I was touched by the warm hand of the person sitting next to me. Win hugged me again, along with the words of comfort she had heard countless times. From the day P'Wa left until today, Win's embrace and warm chest have been a source of tears for me, even the black shirt she was wearing is wet. "Don't worry, View. I'll live with View."
"Huh, I don't have anyone left. Hell no."
"View still has me, you still have our family." A thick hand gently stroked my head, repeating comforting words back to me with old words. Although I'm like a bum.
Well, my heart is completely broken. He had even more pain than an incomparable external attack.
My heart hurts so much that I don't want to live anymore.
It's more painful than having a knife cut into my skin and sprinkle salt on it.
"I'm scared Huek, I'm so scared Win" I'm scared. Now I'm so afraid of the world. "You don't leave me. Don't run away from me like P'Wa, Heuk. Win, I beg you."
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here, I promise."
"Why the hell does everyone have to leave me Win, they don't feel sorry for me, they don't feel sorry for my heart at all?"
The listener used his big hands to push me out of his warm embrace. Then he raised his hand to dry the tears that have spilled down my faces. His handsome face raised a faint smile as he didn't understand my actions at all. And he spoke.
"Nobody left View. Because everyone is always in the strong heart of View."
"I'm hurt, I can't take it anymore." A thick hand landed on my left breast, while he was talking to me. I could feel the warmth of that palm, through the thin black fabric on the skin of the body. It seeps into my cold heart and feels warm.
Helps reduce tears that gushed nonstop. Even if my grief hasn't completely dissolved, it allows me to breathe normally for a fraction of a second.
"We'll get through this together, honey."
"Ah," I replied quietly, before I stopped to hug him again. The consciousness that had slipped out previously seemed to have been returned to my almost exhausted body.
I still well remember Win's expression and eyes the day P'Wa passed away. His worries and regrets were not unlike mine at all. And at that moment, the first person who ran towards me was Win. The person who looked at me and P'Wa in the living room mindlessly interfered with both of us with concern.
On that day, I saw every action of his. And I also give thanks for always caring about me and P'Wa.
It didn't take me long to finish reading the book. And it was at the same moment that P'Pum called me. To remind me not to forget that P'Wa will also take the medicine on time. That was the moment he called P'Pum.
Even then, P'Wa was sleeping. And he didn't want to disturb his rest. But when P'Pum firmly reminded me.
"Wake up Nong Wa to take his medicine, Nong View."
Although he was sleeping, he had to wake her up for her to take the medicine. So I decided to shake her little hand, which I had held ever since I started reading the book, to wake my sister from her dream. P'Wa was not a difficult person to wake up. So I thought that with a soft call, he should wake up.
But it wasn't what I thought.
At that time, I called P'Wa many times. Starting with gently shaking his hand, ending with shaking P'Wa with all my might, but how come P'Wa didn't move at all?
"P'Wa, wake up. P'Wa, can you hear View? Wake up now, huek, huek!!"
My heart started beating faster with fear. The image of P'Wa lying still last year was superimposed on the image of her when she was waking her up. My hands began to shake harder as I began to shake slowly. Moving my index finger to angle the tip of her nose, to see if she was excited.
But nothing came out.
So empty that my heart fell to the tips of my feet.
The last thing I could think of in that second was trying to lift her heavy head. Placing myself on P'Wa's thin chest to listen to the sound of her heart that should be beating.
It should beat like mine.
But what my ears received from her slim body was silence. It was so quiet it almost took my breath away. At that moment, in my head, I ordered to start pumping P'Wa's heart like she had trained it before.
But P'Wa's frail body did not respond at all.
My brain began to recognize that P'Wa was dead.
But my heart couldn't accept it.
I cried and screamed loud throughout the house. Calling other people to come help me.
Meanwhile, my hands shook my sister's breathless body to wake both mine and P'Wa's from her nightmare.
"P'Wa! P'Wa wake up, P'Wa wake up, Pee Wa wake up, Mommy, Daddy, Win, help me, help me!
"Look, what happened?"
"Win, help P'Wa, P'Wa"
Win's voice called my little sanity to turn around. His hand quickly put the things he was holding onto the table. Before she ran over and sat next to me to help me check on P'Wa.
Win's gesture with her palm resting on the tip of my sister's beautiful nose, including the long finger moving to the pulse checkpoint. It was an image that almost crushed my heart to pieces. The more I see Win's eyes that convey meaning instead of every word. I wanted to go to bed and fall asleep following P'Wa right then.
I can no longer live.
Win turned to look at me for a moment, before getting up to pump P'Wa's heart, but then Mom and Dad arrived.
"View, View"
"Mom, P'Wa, P'Wa doesn't wake up. View calls P'Wa and she doesn't wake up at all. Mother, please help me. Please help P'Wa too."
Mom rushed over and hugged me. While I'm rambling. Warm hands caressed my head, wanting to calm me down. Giving me a lot of heat, but it didn't soften my fear and my aching heart.
"Win, go with View first. I'll look at it myself."
"Yes"Dad's voice spoke to me at that moment. It seemed to be getting further and further away. Although he was still sitting in the same place in my mother's embrace, but soon someone else's hand pulled me into a hug.
It was a hug that made me feel as safe as every time he touched me.
Win hug.
"Win..."
I groaned at Win unconsciously. I just hope he tells me like before, 'Pee Wa will be fine' but this time, he's not doing it at all.
Win refused to say that.
"Calm down, darling."
"Why huek Win why didn't you tell me like that day? Huh why didn't you say P'Wa would be fine huh?" I looked up and met the eyes of the one hugging me . That they were in a lot of pain, and the way Win would turn away to avoid my eyes. That would be the obvious answer, right?
The answer he said...
"I'm sorry"
"Eh no!"
... P'Wa has really left me.
I pulled away from Win's warm embrace. Hearing the painful apology. Tears began to flow from my sharp eyes, causing me to pass out again. I ran with the rest of my strength to embrace the soulless body of my little sister.
"Don't do this with View. View, he's sorry for being a bad boy, View, he's sorry. Don't leave View like this huh."
And that's the last sentence I said before it all came out.
I woke up two hours later, feeling the warm hand of someone holding my hand. The sharp face that now looks grim. On that day, looking at me with caring eyes. I looked into those sad eyes with a broken heart.
The world that used to be happy after P'Wa returned to me was completely destroyed.
Leaving alone my world crumbling and distorted, leaving me with no sense of inhabitability.
Tears began to flow from both of my eyes again. Neither of us had a single word coming out of our mouths. Win simply lay down beside me and pulled me into his embrace, using the wide pad on his chest to hold my tears without thought of escaping.
Even now.
"Let's go see P'Wa now."
I nodded my chest wide in acknowledgment. And we both sit here in silence, not saying another word.
My friends were sitting around me, not far away. They were concerned and encouraged me from the first day they heard the news.
P'Ji, P'Ya, and P'Dinsor, as well as other seniors. They took turns coming and giving the funeral prayers to P'Wa at night. But I didn't have the strength to welcome them. All I could do was look at everyone's faces with gratitude.
It's nice to have Win's family, P'Pum, and my friends to help take care of the guests who attended the reunion. And I really appreciate everyone's kindness.
He spent a lot of time here. My father and mother came and called me to get up to say goodbye to P'Wa one last time.
"Oh, let's say goodbye to P'Wa. P'Wa won't have to worry about anything else."
"..."
I still can't get over this loss. My heart was beating very slowly and contracting every second. The pain was so excruciating that he wanted to die after P'Wa.
"Pee Wa", the sandalwood flower in my hand was placed in front of P'Wa's pearl coffin. I tried to hold back the shallow tears from flowing now, because I don't want her to worry about anything "You don't have to worry about View anymore... View will live. View has grown up, you can see... Rest in peace, hehe."
"View"
"I'm fine." I took a few deep breaths to swallow the sobbing lump, as I turned to tell the people next to me that I was still okay, because I have so many things I want to say to my sister that I love as much as my life. "P'Wa, tell dad... my dad and mom too. View misses them... don't forget to tell mom. Phew, View, View is studying very well, View is happy, and being happy ..."
"View"
Once again I stopped talking, because the lump of water is well covered in the chest. The heat around my eyes made me blink frequently, to keep them from spilling. And before my last patience was exhausted, I had to say the feelings of my heart and say goodbye. "View loves her parents very much. In the next life, I want to be born as someone who takes care of everyone. Please wait for View. One day, hehe. One day, View will go to you. Haha."
"View""Win... I can't take it anymore."
"Okay, I'm here," the man holding me said comfortingly, turning to my sister's dead body before speaking in a serious tone. "P'Wa, don't worry. I'll take good care of View like I promised you." Win's eyes weren't joking or she was just saying that to make me feel comfortable. There was sincerity and firmness in his own words and in her eyes. "Rest in peace."
White smoke billowing from the crematorium cascades into the sky in the wind. In the end, I had to stop and look at this photo again just a year apart.
I had to stand like this to send my family to the wide sky, different today. Because the people who were by my side this time are more. Unlike the day when it was just me and P'Pum standing up to say goodbye to Mom and Dad.
But today.
Now.
I have people I can call family. They're basically holding me back when I'm lonely, they all stood next to me without saying a word. Although I never asked for anything, but my parents, my two sisters, P'Pum and the person who brought everyone into my life as Win, did everything for me without needing anything in return.
I stared blankly at the faint smoke rising into the sky, and thought of P'Wa's words on the beach that day.
"I know that my little brother is very strong. I know that even if he's not there the next day, View will have to deal with more difficult things than before. But my brother will be able to overcome it."
And I realized what P'Wa was always trying to tell me. He told me that to prepare my mind, but at the time. Instead, his words didn't bother me at all.
"But there is a day when View feels weak. You don't have to force yourself, let it out, repent until the end and then go back to being View, the good boy from P'Wa. Until the day that View is sad or weak, you may not be standing by your side, hugging and comforting you like View today. But what if Win will be waiting with View that day, did View know?"
Win's story that P'Wa said that he would stay by my side on days when he was weak. That meant it was today.
The day P'Wa would no longer be by my side.
The day the world took P'Wa from me again.
And Win is right here.
Him staying by my side, just like my sister actually said.
'Thanks Win'
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
I know that parting is not a bad thing. But that would mean the day that our hearts have healed the wounds that were broken from that parting.
Which must be a matter of time.
Time determines everything in life.
It's time to keep moving away the pain to melt into memories that go deep into the heart that hurts.
He was sitting in a boat floating in the middle of the river, one hand wrapped in a beautiful golden cloth. Inside were the coarse particles of the body of my beloved sister. Sprinkled with fresh, fragrant white flower petals, just the way P'Wa liked it.
'Don't worry about View. Your brother is already strong. Tell my parents that View has always loved and misses them.'
I clung to the frail body that was now just gray ash. Letting the sparks fall from my fingertips to the surface of the rippling waters as if waiting. It is an image that is repeated over and over again until only a small fabric remains that slowly fades away. Diving into the water.
"View will take very good care of itself. Nobody has to worry about View."
"I will stay by his side. Always with View sister".
The older man who was always by my side spoke up, before he raised his hand to pay his respects to my sister again. I looked at his handsome, sharp face that seemed to have sunk greatly in both gratitude and apology.
Win must be tired of taking care of me so much.
"Thank you Win. Thank you very much."
Even though we have only known each other for a short time, but the love and sincerity of this family. It is always real, that I can recognize it.
"Wa don't worry about him, daughter. Mom and dad will take care of View."
"P'Wa, Huek, rest in peace, Aris will take care of P'View."
"Huek, P'Wa Huek, Arin loves P'View like a real big brother. Don't worry, I'll take good care of him." The two girls raised their hands to follow their mother and brother, then spoke to P'Wa in a pitiful, sobbing voice. Her pretty faces were covered with tears.
It was a tear-provoking image that I tried to hold back, until the person next to me had to put her hand on my shoulder and gently squeeze willingly conveying with words of comfort and encouragement that they don't need to be spoken.
I could tell by Win's actions.
And he is the best comfort to me right now.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Today is the first day that I return to my condo. After taking a break from school for over a week to organize P'Wa's funeral. But luckily, Win's father helped with the legal paperwork. So he can handle various issues faster.
There are only feelings and my heart that can't get back to normal. I still keep thinking about P'Wa's story no matter where I walk.
"Do you want me to come in?"
"Okay, go rest, Win" I turned to tell the person who had stopped next to me. After walking to the door of my room. The sharp face looked at me with worried eyes that could not
close.
"But..."
"I'm fine, I can sleep," I said like that because since the day P'Wa passed away. The idiot came to sleep with me every night, his warm body was like a refuge so that my cold heart warmed up a little each night.
Until today Win was afraid that he couldn't sleep alone.
"If something happens, you call me."
"I know, you can not treat me like a child."
"Okay, I'll go to my room first."
"Oh," I nodded in response. Then press the door code to come back and spend time with myself again.
It can feel lonely and empty in my heart to some extent. But now I can accept the truth a little. Probably because on a sad day I had many people who were with me as my friends. So it helped ease some of the pain in my heart. Not quite, but it was a little better.
I went to put the bag of clothes in the bedroom, and lie down on the familiar soft mattress.
The silence and emptiness brought my brain back to P'Wa's story. And it made my tears start flowing from my eyes too.
But this time, I didn't think to force my feelings. I let the tears flow as much as my heart desires, with the only hope that all the tears that flow now will help me remove the feeling of sadness in my heart, to make the pain a little lighter.
In fact, I wish Win were with me now. But I'm considerate and I think I've upset him enough with this. To say that I can be alone, although it is not entirely true.
After the tears had stopped flowing. I started to think if I should move to live with my grandparents abroad like they said. Perhaps going too far. From the same old place I used to live can help me get back to my old self faster.
Or I can become a new person faster than before.
I took the time to think about it as I talked to my grandparents. The day I called to report the news of P'Wa's passing. They apologized for not being able to attend the funeral. But they wanted what was left of me to move to study there, so they can take care of me after this.
In fact, it might be a good idea for me, like they said. But it may not be the best way if I'm going to throw away a good relationship, from the family that has always supported me.
Including letting go of some feelings that are growing in my heart towards the person next to me.
Which path should I choose?
ding~
My doorbell rang around me. Bringing my floating thoughts back to reality. I forced myself to sit up slowly. I then use the back of my hand to gently wipe away the tear stains, before walking over to open the door for a guest, who I think might be the person in the next room.
"How are you View?"
"You"
But this time I was wrong, because the person who came to me was not the one in the next room. They were my close friends from the group like Tui and Whale, and another person who stood still, Plai.
The day of the funeral. They came to me with many words. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what the problem was back then. "What the hell do you see me?!"
"Friends are to take care of each other."
Tui and Whale are more angry than anyone, they were furious that I kept my family affairs a secret without telling them, even though we were more close friends than anyone.
Only Plai seems to understand my thoughts more. She came in and hugged me, along with her condolences for my loss.
If you ask me how they knew about P'Wa's departure. They learned about it from P'Ji, who is an elder I respect like a true elder brother. As for the person who told P'Ji, it was Win.
But before Win calls to tell anyone, he asked me first. And I didn't forbid anything. Including the story that he told my friends too.
"Come back, I don't even want to tell you guys. Hey, if it's not for the Moon that calls me and tells me you're back. You would never do it, would you?
"Will you come in?" I was interested to know how much Whale would complain. Pretending to close the door on him.
"Hey!! We're going in, you son of a bitch." My two best friends were quickly inserted into my room without having to invite them. They also opened the door wide for the motionless face to enter.
The final content.
"Why you came?"
"Look at this bastard, I came to eat some."
"We came to eat, Tui." Whale raised a box of rice in his hand and hit Tui's face as if he was warning the person who answered me in a hurry.
"Well, I came to eat with you. We haven't eaten together in many days, I miss you." The man hit the rice box in the face as if he was conscious. He quickly walked over and pulled my hand to sit me down at the dining room table.
"Fuck, go get the plate."
"Oh." The quiet man went into the kitchen to bring out a plate of rice and several bowls for soup.
"The salted egg fried rice is your favourite."
"Yours or mine?"
I asked because I was sure that I would also like to eat this menu. This idiot is going crazy, think about it, the other time he begged the next room to do it.
Although before walking to Win's room, he complained that he was so hungry and that he would pass out. So I had to compromise and take him to knock on the door of the person next to the room, to ask for snacks or food.
But in the end, Tui was cheeky. Asking Win to make him salted egg fried rice. That bastard was nice. It was too easy to accept the words of others. As for the person who was complaining of starvation, he was willing to hold his stomach and wait. How you should like it.
By the way... Should I call the person next door to have dinner together?
"That guy is in the room, right? I'm going to invite him to lunch. We bought more just in case." And this is probably the answer to the question I was asking myself a moment ago.
He is smart even in my opinion.
"He's fine, let's go and be quick too."
Whale turned to tell Tui that he was walking towards the door of the room. Even though I'm still a bit confused about life, I remember that this was my room, right? Why didn't they even ask me about anything?
They think for themselves, they are too good at it.
"You can eat now, View. You don't have to make a suspicious dog face at me."
"It's none of your business"
"Yoohoo!!! Bastard, you clap fast, what are you waiting for!"
Pop, pop, pop.
"What's wrong with you?"
"You guys appreciate me, but. How can you come back and insult me, you little bastards?"
"You're a midget, you bastard!"
Whale made a gesture of raising his hand to mop up the water. As the bastard Plai sat and clapped his face still, neither of them stopped.
'Damn it, where is he going?'
"You are an intellectual retard"
"Damn, damn again. The Whale friend can accept it."
"Guys have all arrived." "Hello everyone", Tui's voice and a polite greeting made us turn to look. The person who entered was someone who had just been separated from me for less than an hour.
But now the clothes he wears have already been changed. From what I've noticed, he probably just finished showering. Then try to look down at the substance of the image itself. My face is scary to be scared. Also, the clothes are still the same from this morning.
I'm out of shape~
"Sit down, idiot, I've already served you some rice."
"Oh thank you."
The polite person goes further, he sat next to me. Then he took the plate of duck rice that Whale had sent me. He put it in front of me and I looked at Win for a moment before looking back at my bowl of rice.
'Eh~ I want to eat roast duck.'
"Look, let's eat first. Then you can go take a shower."
"oh"
I turned to answer the person who tilted his head to speak quietly. With a deep voice that warms my heart. With a spoon in his hand he picked up three things and put them on my plate. But I hadn't yet turned around to thank the other person, when I was barked at by the twin hounds of hell.
"Waa~ invites you to eat. Neither of them flinches."
"Whale, my friend is sad. You can't make fun of this."
"Oh! I'm hurt. Sorry, friend View." Tui's thick hand hit Whlae's head once, until he cried out loudly but he still had the heart to turn around to raise his hand to apologize to me with a gesture.
I understand what my friends want and I am not mad that they are trying to bring me back to normal.
"Shut up and eat, or will you let me serve it for the dogs to eat instead of you?" Plai, who must have been upset, had already put up with it a lot. Speaking with a passionate expression. My two idiots who were just playing with each other hurriedly sat down and quickly stuffed the rice into their mouths.
No more barking or whining.
After finishing our meal, we sat and talked for a while in the same place. Then I excused myself to take a shower and let them sit and talk.
"I'm going to take a shower"
"Hmm," Plai answered with a short sound. The rest just nodded their heads. Then Tui began to invite everyone to get up from the dining table.
"Let's sit on the couch."
"Go first. I'll clean things up here."
"Daddy is so noble." I secretly smiled at Whale's exaggerated adulation, when they arrived they had also lowered their highs a lot.
"Give it to me"
"Yes"
I turned around and told Win. He gave a short answer. Then he picked up the bowls and went to wash them. The others got up and sat on the sofa. As for me, I went back to the room to take a shower as planned.
I spent less than fifteen minutes in the shower. But the moment I was about to leave the room, I accidentally heard two people talking about me.
"Win, are you serious about View?"
"Yes," the deep voice replied immediately, not taking a moment to think.
"I'm worried about that, and worried about you. This kind of love is not easy."
"I understand."
"Win, I know now is not the time to discuss this. But do you understand that now there is no one else in View's entire life? If you ask me directly. I mean, can you be family to him always?"
This question made my heart race, the word 'family' is too great a thing to be answered with just a thought for a moment.
But right now, my heart secretly hopes that the answer is good.
"By View..." My heart was beating faster and faster just as Win began the sentence. Both hands were clenched tightly, secretly afraid that the response received would make me regret "...I can be anything View wants. Even though View sees me only as a friend. I will be the friend who stands by her side. Until for View to meet a good person, and for View to come to love." And in the end, Win is still someone who always makes my heart feel good.
"Thank you, thank you for loving my friend so much. Don't let love slip away like it usually does."
"Yes, thanks for talking to me directly." "Yes, I'll give it to you too."
"Boys~ my boys have arrived."
The conversation stopped immediately. As the door to the front of the room opened to the sound of Tui yelling and informing everyone to know of her own return.
At this moment, I stayed still, not moving, because my heart was slowing down from the loss of a loved one. He began to dance again from the conversations of the two people who had spoken earlier.
"Because of View, I can be anything View wants. Even if you just want a friend. I will be a good friend to be by her side and see her until View can meet a good person and he can come to love her."
"Thank you, Moon." Thank you for never pressuring me or demanding anything that made me feel uncomfortable.
Thank you for agreeing to be all one for me now.
And thank you for always being by my side.
But now give me a little more time.
Give me time to mourn my loss.
Please give me time to think about the person who has passed away.
And give me a little more time to be able to love you.
And when that day comes...
"Where did they go?"
"View is here. We went to get some snacks."
"Sit here, View."
"Yuck"
...I'll be family to you too, Win.
****
Song: The Last Seal /// เนื้อเพลง ครั้งสุดท้าย แสตมป์