ESTHER
I stare at the woman Tomlinson fucked last night, and I cringe at her weird lingerie. I mean who wears lace lingerie? Well, I guess only women who want to have sex. I would never wear that, though. Not even when I have sex. Though, I'd never have it.
It's not that I even crave it. I basically know nothing about it, except that women can get pregnant doing that. And that basically every single person on this stupid planet likes doing it. Why, well, that I don't know, and I don't want to. I hate touch. No, I despise it. It's so...
"Don't touch me!", I scream at this unknown woman. I hate unknown people. I hate when I don't know if they can hurt me or not. Well, practically I hate them in general, but especially the ones I don't know.
And where did this woman come from? Tomlinson told me he hadn't had a girlfriend. Why would he lie to me, though? I thought... I thought that he was at least the one who didn't lie. But, guess I was wrong. Again.
Ann Marie was right- do not ever trust a man.
God, just stop thinking about her already. I know that it was the anniversary of her death, two days ago, but you should really stop thinking about her, Esther. And where was your mind when you mentioned it to Tomlinson?
I miss her, okay? She was my only friend, and since her, I haven't had any. I still have her number, and her name on it, the little paper, which she signed as a therapist, in case I ever needed her help. Well, I need it. But she can't help me anymore. And have I mentioned that I need her? Especially now, when I escap...
"Love, I need to touch you so I can put ice on your eye", Mery says with a sweet voice, and I frown, pouting my lips.
I don't like her. Why does Sebastian like her? Why did he lie to me about a girlfriend? About bringing girls here to sleep? Why do I even care that much that he lied? Maybe because dad did the same thing. Pretty much the same.
You know I should have hated women much more than men because one woman fucked up my life, along with my dad, but it was mainly his fault. It's a good thing I don't get to see them anymore. But I do kinda miss him a little.
Every single therapist I had so far said that our relationship was toxic, but I don't see it that way. That is why I no longer live with him, and why I work tons of jobs to show how independent I can be without him. Only that I can't work now all because of a man who had a bang with the same woman who is taking care of my eye now. Why am I even letting her do that? Well, maybe because it does hurt a little, but I don't wanna admit that to Tomlinson, so he doesn't take to the hospital. I hate hospitals. I think that's pretty much obvious.
"Why do you care?", I mumble, hissing through my teeth, while I move my hair off my forehead, so she doesn't have to do that herself.
"I care, love, why wouldn't I care? Girls should stick together, shouldn't they?", she tweets, and I decide that I hate her stupid voice. But this is something Ann Marie used to say, too, only that the girls in our group in the hospital didn't like sticking together, so we had to be the ones who would sit aside, separated from everyone else. And in the end, it was me alone.
"They shouldn't", I contradict her, just because I can.
"They should, they should, love. Why are you so pessimistic?"
I hate when someone tells me this. I could literally punch them. And sometimes I even do. But if I punch Mery... I don't know how that would make Sebastian feel. He would hate me even more. I'm aware that he doesn't like me much, and that I'm hard and tough and that obviously irritates him. Not that he irritates me any less.
But I should punch her, and leave. Yeah, I should leave. But I need that goddamn job more than I need to punch her. So, Esther stay still and squeeze your teeth.
"I'm not", I bite. "Just realistic. Women are woman's worst friend."
"Why do you think so? Where you cheated?"
If only she knew that I had never even had a first kiss, yet she got to have a night with Tomlinson, and I can't even imagine what they had been doing. I'm clueless. But I know that he looks satisfied, and I find him less moody than these days. And lonely. Yeah, he definitely seemed lonely, but now when this bird with a high-pitched voice fucked him, he seems happier. Though, I don't care. I currently hate him because he lied to me. He has been living with her, and... Wait, where was she when he brought me here?
"How do you know Seb... Tomlinson?"
"Why do you want to know, honey?"
"Well, if you stop calling me by stupid nicknames, I might tell you."
She laughs, pushing the wet strands from my forehead. I wince when she brushes my purple eye. "Well, I actually want to know something else, baby. And, no", she lifts her finger in the air, "I won't stop calling you by cute nicknames. Because you are so adorable." She pinches my cheek, and I turn my head to the other side, pouting.
"What do you want to know, Mery?", I say her name with bitterness.
She kneels, and places her palms on my knees, watching me seriously. I tear my eyes from her, feeling exposed. What does she want to ask me? And where the hell is Sebastian? I need him to come here and save me from this mad woman who looks like she's about to hypnotize me. I hate hypnosis.
"I want to know who hit you", she whispers, and I swallow hard. "If it was your boyfriend..."
"I don't have a boyfriend!, I snap, and look at the hall, expecting Sebastian to appear any second. But he doesn't. I kinda regret saying that I don't have a boyfriend. I could tell her all the lies, and she wouldn't see me this inexperienced. Does she even know I never had sex? Does she know I hate that, and the thought of anyone seeing me naked unlike her who probably has all the confidence in this world and could easily get undressed last night when she lay in bed with Tomlinson. My therapist. He's my therapist even though I don't want him to be the one. And he lied to me.
Shouldn't the relationship between a therapist and a patient be honest? Even though I shouldn't care about his private life, he shouldn't have lied about it. That was so unprofessional of his side. Why the hell am I even upset that he lied? He lied so what? Many doctors lied to me before, to Ann Marie, too, and I never once cared because I learned not to believe any word they say. But Tomlinson... I somehow thought that he was different. I guess I was wrong, and Ann Marie's advice is once again proved right, and I naive.
"Shh", she caresses my knees, "just tell me. The asshole needs to pay."
"How do you know that it was a man?", I whisper, tilting my head. I suddenly become vulnerable, something I should never do, and something I avoid being, no matter how much my nature attempts to show me that I have to be that- a pussy.
"Baby, of course, I know. A woman could never make you a black eye", she coos, and I bow my head.
"She could be a karate professional", I argue with her, though my voice suddenly became very low, and breakable.
"Tell me", she presses.
"You won't tell Tomlinson?", I ask, scared. Even though I currently hate him, I don't want him to know that unintentionally he caused this.
"I won't, I promise, love." She continues caressing my knees, and even though I want to scream to her to stop touching me, it kinda reminds me of how Ann Marie used to hug me, until I fall asleep, constantly crying myself to sleep, until she came and saved me. Now when sometimes I cry myself to sleep, she's not here, and I can only imagine her long black hair tangled between my arms.
"The owner of the apartment I live in", I whisper, eyeing the hall every second, scared that Sebastian will hear. But more scared that he'll hear that I confessed it to this unknown woman than to him.
I don't know what does she have in herself, and why did I just confess to her this, but just like Ann Marie had some power of me telling her everything, so does this Mery, who could be pregnant if she didn't use protection while she was been having sex with Sebastian. I meant Tomlinson, I hate his name, it's so long and stupid.
"Oh, honey", she stretches her arms to hug me, but I pull away before she can do that. "Okay, okay, I won't touch you, relax. Did he... Did he only punch you?"
"What do you mean?", I confuse.
"Did he... you know oblige you to sleep with him?"
Does she mean like rape me? Before I can ask her this, Tomlinson is next to me, falling on his knees, and pushing Mery aside, without glancing at her. I watch as she frowns, confused, as I am, and his palms replace hers on my knees. I pull away again, not having where to really go while sitting on the chair, the same one I was sitting on when Sebastian proposed to make me breakfast. I still can't erase that image of all that food he ownes in the fridge. It's too much. Dad and I never had that amount of food, when I lived with him.
"Esther", the voice of my therapist is shivering, as if he's worried, crazy worried, "tell us, please. Did he do something like that to you?"
I feel pathetic having them both so worried for me. When I look at Mery, she nods, her bright blue eyes crystal clear, encouraging me to tell them. I shouldn't have people who are worried for me. I'm no one. I'm dangerous, people, doctors say this. I deserve everything. Everything bad.
"No", I finally say to them, wishing I said yes, so I could have them both looking at me like that a little longer. Will Sebastian hug me then? Do I want him to hug me? No, I don't. I don't need anything. I need to be alone. Working, like I used to. Working three jobs, working my ass off, to pay the rent, and barely surviving because I deserved nothing more than that.
"Who hit her?" Tomlinson turns to the girl who made him less lonely, and who probably kissed him so much, and I don't know why I suddenly bite my lips, wanting to know how it feels to kiss someone. To press lips together. I know that when I watch it in the movie, I want to throw up. The same happens when I see someone doing it on the street. I bet it does make you want to vomit when you do it. It just must be gross.
"The owner of the apartment she lives in", Mery says, getting up, and her boobs bounce in the lace bra, and I don't miss seeing Sebastian's eye bouncing to them, took, before they meet her face.
Men.
"Hey!", I shout, pointing my finger at her. "You said you wouldn't tell him! You lied!"
Why do people lie to me so much lately? Most importantly why do I believe them first and let them have a piece of me? I shouldn't be doing that, yet I keep making the same mistake over and over again.
"Sorry, love", she coos, "I had to tell him. He is so worried for you, can't you see, huh?" She leans to pinch my cheek, and I turn my head to the other side, but before her palm can lay on my cheek, someone stops it. Sebastian pushes her hand in the most gentle way.
"Don't Mery. Esther doesn't love when people touch her. Isn't that rights, Larsson?" He turns to me, and I part my lips, air hissing through them.
What was that? Why did he stop her from touching me? Doesn't he always tend to touch me and tempt me on purpose? Why would he stop her?
"Yeah", I respond my throat dry, so I clear it, "yes, Tomlinson I hate when people touch me. So, Mery will you stop doing that?" I cross my arms and jump from the chair on which I can't reach the floor with my legs, so Sebastian moves.
I notice that he's dressed now- an olive T-shirt with V-neck and black shorts. I tear my gaze from his body and just then I catch Mery's eyes on me, who caught me checking him. Goddamit, I wasn't checking him. I was just.... despising his body. Yeah, that is exactly what I was doing.
She winks at me, and I don't know what that means. I mean she has just slept with him, and shouldn't she be jealous that I was checking her man? I mean that's how it usually goes with girls. With me no, I'm different. Or maybe I'm the same how should I know? I've been single my whole life. Without a man and without anyone.
I wanna know how long are they together? And hell, I wanna know why he kept that from me. He presented himself as the best therapist, the one in whom I should have all the trust, when in fact he's been lying to me probably since the beginning. What he lied about, too, I can't wait to find out. Oh, wait, I don't want to. It's better if I'm clueless.
"What?", I mouth to her, my forehead wrinkled of how strong I'm frowning.
"Nothing, love", she chirps and enters the kitchen with Sebastian. "Love, do you have something to eat I'm starving", she asks Sebastian and brushes her arm on his waist, as she passes by him.
"I do, I do. I'm gonna prepare us breakfast."
Well, that's my cue to go. It was a waste of time coming here. I thought I'd find him alone. Instead, I found him with an incredibly sexy woman, whose voice is awfully high-pitched and who can't stop calling everyone love.
"I'm gonna... I'm gonna go", I mumble in my chin, feeling slightly embarrassed, being here with them.
He is so much older than me, but at the same time he's close to my age, and until now that didn't bother me but know it does. The fact that his life is in order, and he is only a few years older than me, while mine is chaotic, and I can seem to do nothing to improve it. Nothing.
"Larsson", his deep masculine voice calls for me. I turn to him, my legs heading to the hall. "Sit here."
Damn you just order, I think. Now even if I wanted to go, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go especially now.
"No, I..."
"I said sit. No arguing now. You owe me this, remember?" He lifts his right eyebrow, glancing at me while rushing through the kitchen like a tornado. "You abandoned me the last time. I didn't forget it."
"You have company now." I point at Mery who is eating fresh vegetables, that Sebastian is chopping. She lifts her eyes at me and tilts her head, her boobs showing too much under the white shirt she probably borrowed from his wardrobe that comes somewhere in the middle of her thighs.
My therapist opens her mouth to probably scold me again, but his girlfriend about whose presence he lied says. "C'mon, love. I want you, too to stay. It's more interesting the more we are here. Plus, you should make us that coffee you mentioned."
Fuck, why did I mention it? Probably because I wanted to spite her or something like that.
Suddenly I remember. "I can't. Tomlinson doesn't have all the shit they have in a café, so I can't..."
"What makes you think that?" He lifts his gaze and looks at me intensively. I look away, embarrassed. I hate when people look at me like that. "I might have everything you need."
"I doubt it", I grin.
He shakes his head, and rolls his eyes, and turns to some cupboard which he opens, and God, did I gasp. He indeed has every shit they have in a restaurant. Damn me. I'm screwed. How do I get away with this now?
How do I disappear from this apartment again? I doubt that old neighbor is going to knock again.
Damn me.
Damn me.
Fuck my life.
"So, what do you say now, Esther?", Mery asks a wide smile on her face, showing her teeth. "You wanna make us coffee now? Because I'm dying literally. I need it like I need to breathe. And I bet you are gonna make us a killer one."
I just sigh, and for the first time as I can remember I accept something.
A/N
Do you want Esther's pov next chapter because I'm so indecisive?