"Sally?" Mum's voice came from outside my door, followed by a gentle knock. "Are you okay?"
I got up and opened the door, offering her my chair while I sat on the bed. She closed the door behind her, so I guessed this would be about Lindy's threats. Something she didn't want Lindy to hear from the foot of the stairs.
"What's up?" I asked, absentmindedly picking up my basketball and passing it from hand to hand. I still couldn't spin it on a fingertip or any of those fancy tricks, but it was already feeling more natural in my hands, the weight and shape of it. Holding it right made a big difference.
"I saw the videos your sister made," she said slowly, taking her time. I guess this must have been hard for her as well. "And Chel Eisen mentioned something about a practical joke going awry. I don't know if that's related. Is that something I should talk to you about? It worries me."
I thought for a few seconds, and nodded slowly.
"I think I should probably tell you, but it's hard. I don't want to cause any more trouble. Lindy's having enough problems. She just wants to feel like she's in control of something. If it can't be her own... control... she wants to tell me what to do."
"I understand that. But blackmail is taking it too far. She can't learn that it works. I wasn't too sure what to do with regards to her punishment, when I saw those videos. I guess... should I have asked your opinion first?"
"You mean should it have been harsher?" I asked, buying myself a few seconds to think. "I don't think so. I know that she was crossing a big line there, but I can't really blame her. Cackling villain is better than mopey and morose. And I kind of..."
"Like it?" she finished the sentence for me, but not in the way I'd been thinking. It was about as far from the truth as I could imagine.
"No!" I said. "No, I was going to say I blame myself. I was really nasty the last time she had this problem, I was putting her down all the time. So maybe she deserves to get her own back a little. How could I like that kind of thing?"
"I don't know. But when she was teasing you, talking to you like you're the little sister, I'd swear you were trying to hide a smile. Not the humiliation, I think, but being treated like the little one. You said I could talk to you like that, didn't you?"
I could only nod. It was hard to get past my aversion to the things Lindy had demanded I do, and the way she'd tried to force me. But maybe there was a grain of truth in there somewhere. I tried to remember, and thought that when she'd started by dictating what I would wear for bed, I might actually have felt lucky. If she didn't take it too far, maybe Lindy treating me like her baby sister felt more real than when I'd played the part for Mum. But why would it make a difference?
"It's a hard thing to think about," Mum said. "I can see that. But perhaps if I can ask you three questions. Separate the issue a little."
"Okay. And thanks, maybe I should ask you to help with my problems more often. There's like... things I can't see because I'm too close. What's the question?"
"First, how do you feel about other people treating you like a child? You mentioned a dream where we all did it, right? And I know you seem to enjoy it when I'm the one calling you my little girl. Because Mummy can make you feel safe. But would you still be happy if you imagined your sister talking to you like that? Or anyone else?"
"I don't know," I could answer that one right away. But then I thought back to the dream, and how wholesome and reassuring it had been. And Mum had said I was smiling at the start of the blackmail. Maybe that had been because I was relieved to feel I was atoning for the way I'd previously treated my sister? It was hard to be sure. "Well, maybe. I don't know how I felt when she started all that. I was too focused on the other demands, the gross stuff. But I think if it was treating me childishly, yeah. I think I'd be okay with that. But... no, I couldn't say that. I might like it if she talked to me like that, I'm not sure. But I couldn't stand her knowing that it made me feel good. That would just be weird."
"A little paradox, but I can understand that. So... I think that answers the second question as well. I was going to ask if there's any way she could have known you'd feel that way, or had you mentioned it to her. I can guess that's a definite 'no'. So, you've said that the... things she demanded you do... were unpleasant for you. But you were willing to do it, I assume with a combination of reasons. Because she was blackmailing you, because you felt you deserved more punishment for your previous attitude, and perhaps a little curiosity about whether it would help you to feel more childish."
"Maybe a tiny bit. Making demands about my clothes, that made me feel so small and weak. And maybe that could have been fun. But not the other thing, I'd never do that if I had the choice."
"Right. I think I can understand the distinction there. And one more question, I think. Perhaps a hard one to think about. I'm sure you can imagine me babying you. Being condescending, perhaps, telling you to do things you're normally capable of doing by yourself. Or telling you what to wear. And you can imagine Lindy telling you the same things. You might be happy with either, I think, or both. But from the example I've seen, she gives orders very differently. With me, it's always been something you play along with because you're happy to do it. And maybe it was with your sister as well, but because she didn't know how you would react, she felt it necessary to include threats. She did her best to set up a situation where you couldn't say no. How much difference do you think that made? I can imagine that would reduce the feeling of safety you describe. I don't know if it would be appropriate to make her stop; whether her attempts to belittle you are still positive despite the way she approaches it."
"I don't know." And this time I really didn't. I wanted to say that this was a weird thing, but I was willing to go along with it so long as it helped my little sister to feel better. But as I played the sentence out in my head, I realised that it wasn't really true. "I mean, it's weird the way she's going between talking to me like a little kid, and like she's so nervous wondering if I'm suddenly going to seize control again. Like blackmail isn't something you do with a kid so the tone's always changing. But..."
"She's alternating between something that makes you feel good, and something scary?"
"More like... it's weird to have it swap over like that," I mumbled, still putting the idea together in my own head. I wasn't really sure what I meant, but I knew there was an important thought in there somewhere. "But that's just because she's talking to me like her big sister again when she tries to intimidate me, like she has to do that because she's nervous."
"I'm not sure I understand."
"I mean... It's like, when you treat me like a little kid, it's great but it's a bit weird. It's like I'm playing at being young again and you're going along with it. And that's great, but... When Lindy talked to me like a little kid, she was pushing it, not giving me the choice. Somehow that feels better. Like it's more real, I guess? Apart from treating me like an enemy she's nervous about. When she was like bullying me in the way she might push a little sister to do what she wants, that made it feel like I was really small, and I don't know why but I loved that. Is that too weird?"
Mum didn't meet my eyes then, and I could tell she was deep in thought. But she wasn't disapproving, just trying to understand what I was telling her. I couldn't blame her; my own thoughts were pretty much the same, and I didn't know where this was coming from.
"I mean, it doesn't diminish it when she's mean," I tried again "She wants to force me, that makes her feel better, and it doesn't really make a difference to me. Maybe it even makes it better, because it takes away the guilt for doing something weird. Like teasing, bullying, whatever, I don't mind. It might be different if she was stopping me doing something that matters. But I think when she was doing that, there was kind of a thrill that I don't get the choice, that it's not my fault. Does that make sense?"
I paused for a while, gathering my thoughts before continuing:
"The bit I don't like is that she treated me like my real age when she was talking about the consequences. If she'd kept on talking down to me, then... that would have been better. And the things she made me do, I mean like she told me I can't cover the Underjams. That made me feel so small. But the other thing... that's gross, and I don't want that. But she can't help it, and if she wants me to go through it with her, if that makes her feel better... that's something I can put up with if it helps my little sister."
I couldn't tell her that I felt like it was a justified punishment. But I knew it was; I'd made Lindy wet the bed, and she was giving an appropriate revenge, even if she didn't know about it. But there was no way I would be able to admit my motivations to Mum, so I tried to play it off as altruism for now.
"Okay. I don't understand it still, but I want you girls to be comfortable. I think she can't blackmail you now, I'm afraid, but if I know her I'm sure she'll find something else. I've had some cryptic messages as well, suggesting that Harper Eisen has confessed to something that I need to discipline Lindy for. Is that related to...?"
I nodded, and did my best to explain. I didn't like to talk about it, but I knew that if Harper had spoken to her parents about it, she must have been hoping to get a message passed along so that Mum would stop Lindy. She was trying to prevent a rerun of the incident where Lindy had tried to drug me; and I was glad of that.
I told her – as I'd learned when talking to Harper again – that Lindy had gone to Gregor Eisen asking if any of his family's famed herbal remedies could reduce bedwetting. She'd claimed it was for me, and done her best to deny that she had that problem. And when she'd had no luck there, she started asking about ways to cause it. So she could make it even. Harper had told her that she had such a potion, and had tried it on me before. Mum gasped when she heard that, and could easily pin down the date, but I reassured her that the herbs didn't actually work, and the whole accident had been faked. And then I told her the basics about what Lindy had been begging for; and how Harper had given her a placebo recipe carefully calculated to get her in trouble when she was making it. Turning the prank around, which seemed like a good plan to me.
"But she didn't get caught."
"No. She's a better prankster than Harper expected. But she changed the recipe in ways that could have been dangerous, which is probably why Harper felt she had to tell and adult that there was something to investigate. I've confronted her about that, and Harper's going to give her a lecture as well. So she knows the difference between mean and dangerous. I think she's probably going to listen."
"But that's over the line as well. Blackmail and drugs? I mean, it's good that nothing serious went wrong. But safety isn't the issue. It's that she's trying to cause problems for you. Even if she learns to mix herbs as well as Gregor and Chel do, and how to avoid side effects, that's uncalled for. Think about how you would have felt if it had worked."
"I have. And I think... It's not pleasant, but I would have deserved it. Fair is fair." And seeing the confusion come back into her eyes again, I explained: "For the way I treated her last year. If it had worked like she hoped, I would have dealt with it. And as gross as it is, I think it's something I would have accepted as a fair punishment. So, that's my choice. If she wants to try stuff like that again, I'll do my best to notice and stop her. But so long as she's not risking my health, I don't think it would be fair to ask you to stop her."
"Well, I did notice she was more excited even than I expected," Mum said with a nod. "So you're willing to let her try things like that, to humiliate you in retribution for a few cruel words a year ago?" I nodded too. "Very well. I won't tell her that, but I won't stop her either. And something tells me you're not giving me the whole story."
"Mum, I–"
"I know how excited you get about science stuff in the news," she laughed. "You love new discoveries and research. You love learning and experimentation. There's a part of you that's excited about the thought of being an unwilling lab rat, isn't there?"
I laughed, but I couldn't deny it. She had me bang to rights about that detail, at least.