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"What's up with you?" Hoseok asked, softly passing his hand through your shoulder. Looking over to him, you give him a small smile. There was nothing wrong really, you were just deep in thought. Too deep to say the least.
Jungkook's words have been going over your head for a whole week now. That whole conversation is still in your mind, making you replay the scene over and over again. It wasn't just his words but the whole 'Jimin told him'
You can't pinpoint just what Jungkook had to do for Jimin to say that, for those words to come out of his mouth. And it's been so tempting for you to just go up to him and ask, but you didn't. Instead you acted like nothing happened. And it's exactly what you've been doing for the whole week.
"Nothing" you sighed, putting your head down on the empty desk. Class was already done and it just happened that you were too deep in thought to notice it. However, Hoseok noticed immediately your odd behavior and came to you.
"Kiss my ass, now answer" he tapped on the desk for you to lift your head up, something you groaned and didn't listen to. Soon enough, he continued to knock on the desk until you lifted your head up, giving him a dead glare in the process.
"Do you think something that was intimate between two people could be easily said?" confused, he tilted his head to the side, trying to eye you carefully. He wasn't sure on what to say since the question was random, very random, but he had an idea.
"Well it depends, like if you say it to someone you trust or don't" he paused, watching how you slowly bit your lower lip. He could almost tell just how anxious you looked.
"Like if the moment was nice and both of them liked it, there would be a reason to tell someone you trust. Although if it's for maybe different circumstances then you would have to ask the person you had the moment with instead."
And like that he confirmed it to you. There was no other way for you to know what was going on in Jimin's head if you didn't ask him straight away. Maybe he had his reasons, after all Jungkook is quite the asshole. Or maybe you're putting too much thought into it like you always do, and it doesn't help that the words that Jungkook said were making you lost.
"I said that he could fuck you for all i care." Those words kept replaying in your head over and over. Just the thought of the conversation was making you shy. Not because of what he said, but because they might have taken their stupid argument too far. With your name scribbled all over that argument.
"I see, thank you" you stood up from your desk, grabbing your backpack as you rushed out of the room. Hoseok continued to call your name, but you had one task, and only one to fulfill at the moment.
You needed answers to your questions and you were planning on getting them today, you had enough of the overthinking. So may this awkward conversation between you and Jimin begin.
____ꨄ____
"Hey" you smiled at the guy who was flashing a smile at his phone, laying on his bed as you slowly entered the dorm. You had a whole conversation planned. The one where the answers would come from, all you needed was for it to go according to plan.
"Oh y/n" he smiled, sitting up from the bed as he slowly walked up to you. Smiling, you stood in your place, waiting for him to get to you. With a smile, he didn't hesitate in hugging you, something you hesitated at first but still hugged him back.
The whole hesitation came from the overthinking you have been having not because you feel awkward. It's making you feel so guilty how you are hesitating when you usually don't do it. There was never hesitation when it came to hugging Jimin and now there's a bit and all because of Jungkook.
He's seriously messing with your head.
"You're here early" he pulled away, putting his phone in his back pocket, as he averted his full attention onto you. And there were reasons for your early arrival but you wanted to take things slow, so you won't get straight to the point as much as you want to.
"Yeah I feel quite tired" you smiled, walking over to your side of the dorm as you put your backpack down. At some point the other side of your dorm turned into Jimin's. He would always refuse to go back to his, saying he was much more comfortable here then on his.
However, you didn't mind. Having Jimin over always felt nice, you didn't feel as lonely as you did before, nor as sad as you did. He has come and cured all of those things, which you're very grateful to him for. And even though Jungkook's words are on your mind, you won't let it get to you.
"How about you, how are you feeling?" you asked, taking your shoes off as you looked over to Jimin, while he was walking over to your bed, sitting on it in the process. Shrugging, he looked over to you.
"Good i guess, nothing more" nodding, you placed your shoes on the side of your bed, and with that you sat next to him. Those words you wanted to say were much harder for them to come out. It was much more difficult than you expected.
"Hey Jimin, can I ask you something?" you gulped, averting your eyes elsewhere, not really trying to meet his eyes. You knew that if you did, you would coward up and not say it at all.
"Yeah go for it" the curiosity in his voice could be well heard, and just the way he quickly turned to you just confirmed it. Whenever someone comes up to a person and says those words, you know you aren't expecting quite the friendly talk.
"So um.." you paused, fidgeting with your fingers. "Did you and Jungkook argue?" you asked, finally looking over to him. Those words made his eyebrows immediately shoot up, and for a second he looked surprised. Surprised you asked such a thing. But soon enough his expression went blank.
He quickly looked away from your eyes, making you confused by his sudden behavior. "Uh yeah we did" he quietly said, almost too quiet. "Why?" you softly added, his eyes staying on his lap.
Something about the way he became so quiet was making you suspicious it was giving you different signals. What if the conversation was more heated than you expected it to be or thought about? You didn't put much thought into it, but now you are interested to know.
"Well, i might have heard that you mentioned about the kiss" you slowly said, feeling like cringing at the whole kiss thing. It wasn't that you weren't comfortable mentioning about the kiss, it was just the circumstances that felt wrong.
The kiss was a whole different topic, it was something that had you on cloud nine and higher. Those thoughts were hidden somewhere else, mostly because they weren't friendly at all.
"I was wondering-"
"Why did I do it?" he cut you off, completing your sentence as he looked up at you, immediately meeting your eyes. For a second you didn't say anything, but then you softly nodded.
It was like he perfectly knew what you were going to ask once you mentioned the whole Jungkook argument. It was like he could feel the questions coming to him. He just wasn't expecting for your to know about it.
"So um" he softly bit his lower lip, not really knowing how to respond. The question wasn't what he was expecting, yeah by the curious tone you had he should've expected it, but he didn't. Because you're truly unpredictable. And he loves that about you.
"I got angry, really angry. He started talking about how we had sex and all, and how i was able to fuck you so easily. How my goal was to make you have sex with me and how i succeed in the end. He was asking stupid things like how did you feel, if you were good in bed and all. And i hated him for that because he had no reason to talk about you like that and those aren't my intentions about you, so i might of have said about the kiss"
He paused, passing his hand through his hair as you could feel him getting irritated at the whole thing. You could feel how annoyed he looked and sounded at the whole mention of the argument.
"He tried to punch me, it was like he was in denial about it. I kept telling him that we did kiss and that we can have sex for all he cares. Because there was no reason for him to say such things"
Yeah, there really wasn't any reason. Jungkook could care less about anyone, that includes you too. He always made it so clear how he didn't care about anything that happened to you, he bothered you, annoyed you, insulted you even. But not once has he ever shown that anger Jimin is talking about.
Not in your entire time of you knowing him has he asked about anything intimate you had. He had no business of knowing, neither did he care to ask. But why is it different now? Why is he asking stuff or saying things he would've never said before? Something about this situation isn't quite sitting with you. It's not really clicking inside your head.
"And what did he say?"
"Well he said, i can fuck you for all he cares and stormed out of the room" exactly what Jungkook told you. Something in you is telling you that it sounds as if jungkook was mad, annoyed even. But knowing Jungkook, being able to read him isn't really the easiest thing a person could do, starting with the fact that he's a very complicated person. An annoying one as well.
There was something in you that was telling you to let this go, that no matter how many questions you ask it wouldn't go anywhere at all. But there was also something else telling you that you should figure this out. Figure out what is on his mind. What is Jungkook's problem? And it's not just with you but with Jimin as well.
"Interesting" you commented, averting your eyes elsewhere. "Exactly what i said" Jimin remarked loudly, looking over to you with a smile and wide eyes. You may be crazy but you have something in mind. Something that may get you some answers.
Quickly, you stood up from the bed, rushing over to the door as you swung it open. "Where are you going?" he laughed, watching as you stopped just to look back at him. With a smile, you nodded, not even answering his questions as you left, closing the door behind you.
He continued to laugh, laying on your bed without even noticing. "She's crazy" he said in between his laughs as he closed his eyes.
____ꨄ____
As you were aimlessly walking around the hallways, your eyes averted to anything that popped out in the hallway. Let's say the person you were looking for was nowhere to be seen and it was making you frustrated.
"Fuck" you yelled out, feeling defeated as you slouched your shoulders, not really knowing what else to do. You were annoyed at yourself for thinking that finding him would be so easy but it was the exact opposite.
As you opened the door, you felt the cool breeze of the outside hit your skin, sending shivers down your spine. After looking all around, the only place it led you to was the outside. The entrance of the dorms.
While you were about to sit down on the stairs, you felt your phone vibrating on the back of your pocket. Quickly, you took it out annoyed, sighing once you saw the name flashing on the screen. You didn't want to talk at the moment and not to her.
"Mom" was the first thing you said once you took the courage to answer the phone. You were even regretting it already.
"Did you forget you had a mother?" she was quick with her comeback, not with a soft tone but a much more firm one. One that you hated.
Let's say your relationship with your mother wasn't the best. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good either. She was just there and so were you. There was no trust, no love, no family affection, just nothing. Thinking about how you lived your life in such a hell of a house always reminds you of why you really are in college. To the amount of effort you made just to move out of that home.
Your mother always had a thing of judging you. It wouldn't matter what it was about, she always had something to say about it. Whether it was your clothes, what you liked and didn't like, what you believed and didn't believe in, and even your own preference on things. She would always have a disagreement to your things.
Making her opinions greaters than yours, or making them seem as if what you thought wasn't right or even good enough. It annoyed you, it made you frustrated, but overall it made you cry. It made you spend those late nights crying over the fact that you didn't feel loved. As if you were an outcast to the family, and in the end it made you think of it as if you really were one.
It made you believe that you were indeed an outcast.
Those emotions and those nights, made you take decisions that make you proud of the person you are today. Of the person you became, and even though you might be the most insecure person alive, you still try to do things for yourself. To make yourself feel much better about your own appearance. And it may be hard, but what matters is that you are trying.
"I'm sorry mom, i been busy-"
"You don't want to hear from us again? So what, you moved and forgot who were the ones that raised you?"
No, it wasn't like that. You didn't call her much because you were busy. You had things to do and all of those things piled up and created a tight schedule for you. It wasn't because you forgot but because you didn't have time.
"No it's just I'm busy. Really busy" slowly, you sat down on the stairs, looking over to see if anyone was around, but since it was night time, not many would be outside.
"You always say that, all the time. Anyway, are you coming for Christmas this year?"
It wasn't like you could say no and move on, actually when she asked that question she knew you didn't have any choice. And it wasn't like she asked in the most happiest tone, in all honesty it sounded more bitter than happy.
"I'll see mom, i need to ask about the two weeks off" you said, and it wasn't like it was a lie. Usually they would go around and ask who was going to stay and who would be going to their families on Christmas. It was for them to know who would be staying alone in the dorms.
"Come or not, it's your choice. I can see you don't even want to see us" and just like that, she took your comment as offensive and rude when it wasn't. Of course she did. It's always her victim card she uses.
"It's not that, i do want to see you all" you sighed, feeling irritated already even though the call just started.
"It doesn't look like it. What is there that is more important than your own family? What makes you so busy? You barely do anything to begin with?"
And now she started her angry comments towards you, those comments that hurt you deep inside your heart. She really thinks so lowly of you.
"I'm in college now, I have responsibilities to do. I'm an adult"
"Oh see, now you're talking back. I can't believe you honestly. This wasn't the way I raised you. I knew you would become like this. Like the bad person you are"
Looking up at the sky, you smiled. It wasn't a happy smile though, more like a facade of you trying to hide those tears that were begging to come down.
For the rest of the time she continued to insult you, telling you words that were hurting you but you didn't say it. Words that were marking you down. And like every time you called her, you become more insecure than you already were before.
Once she took her anger out on you, she hung up. All you wanted to do was cry, break down like the last times you did so whenever she called you. She always knew how to ruin your mood, how to make you feel so worthless.
There's nothing more that you wished for than a simple hug from her, just simple words of her saying that she loves you and cares for you. Her giving you the comforting words you have never heard from her before. All you wanted was to feel loved by her.
Was that too much to ask?
You loved your mother even after all of the things she did to you. After all of the words she has told you. You loved her with your entire heart and it breaks your heart feeling like this whenever you speak with her.
But it's not like you can change her.
Softly you covered your face with your hands, not really feeling like crying or even breaking down since you have done it too many times.
"What a horrible site to see" someone's voice was clearly heard in front of you, although you were curious to know who it belonged to, you didn't want to see. Instead you stayed there, your eyes on the floor as you could hear a scoff.
"What are you deaf now?" the person continued to comment, with a new sound of laughter. You were annoyed and whoever it was, was making you angry.
"Oh and she's blind too" he laughed, clapping his hands together as the sound became louder and louder. Annoyed, you looked up at the person, just to be met with Jungkook's smirk. You had quite enough of him.
"Can you shut the fuck up?" you yelled in response, as the sound of your irritated tone was clearly heard.
"Why do you always have to ruin everything? I fucking hate you so much" you continued to yelled, not caring for the way his confident smirk disappear or if anyone heard you or was looking at you.
"Can't you leave me the fuck alone? Stop, just fucking stop. I'm not fucking worthless" and with that last sentence he could immediately tell it wasn't his comments or his presence that you were getting so angry at. But it was something else, something that was really bothering you and even hurting you.
He could see how angry you were, how annoyed you felt. But he could also tell something else, something he has never seen before. And for the first time ever since he has ever met you, he could see hurtness in your eyes. He could see your glossy eyes just ready to let it all out. The sight of your sad eyes was making him feel guilty.
Guilty for the way he came up to you knowing that you were feeling sad already. And for some reason, he wanted to hug you. Everything in him was telling him to do so, but he stopped himself.
"I'll stop, you can calm down now" he quietly said, watching your reaction every chance he got. But he knows how stubborn you are, so instead of calming down you stood up, hitting his chest with your hands.
"I can't calm down. I fucking can't" you continue to say as you hands repeatedly hit his chest, and all he could do and wanted to do was nothing, he wanted for you to get your anger out. He could tell you were keeping it inside for a while and he made you let go of it. So he was going to stay there until you were done.
He continued to stay still, just watching as you continued to hit his chest, your hands hitting him slower each time. And although you were frustrated, you didn't cry at all. "You good now?" he decided to ask once you stopped and stared at the floor with a blank face. And even though he asked something you didn't answer at all.
"I'm going to take the silence as a yes" he chuckled, putting a hand on your shoulder. It wasn't much but the little detail was comforting. You weren't sure why you snapped that way, or why you started yelling at him with so much anger.
Just seeing him after that conversation provoked a different type of anger inside of you. This anger that was taken out on someone that came and bothered you. Even though he deserved to be called out, the words you said weren't for him. Those words were mostly the ones you have deep down within you for your mother.
Words you would never dared to say.
Mostly because you didn't have the heart to and would never yell such things to your mother even though she may deserve it. You love her and will always love her, no matter the amount of times you have cried because of her.
"Is something wrong?" he asked, cutting you off your thoughts. Silently, you shook your head, not wanting to admit your thoughts even though they were obvious.
"No, that's none of your concern anyway" you firmly said, making him chuckle softly. His hand that was still in your shoulder, made its way to your face. And without even thinking about it, he wiped something off your cheek with his thumb.
"That tear says otherwise" he softly said, making you look up at him. You had a tear? You didn't even realize it. Something about this moment made you comfortable and annoyed.
You've never seen this side of him before, not this somewhat nice side of him. It felt weird yet so damn comforting. But you also felt annoyed. Angry because you didn't want to feel this weak in front of him. Just like you haven't seen Jungkook's new side, he hasn't seen this one of yours. He has never seen you this angry or even sad.
Which made this new side appear of him.
"Shut up" you silently said, not really wanting to feel weak in front of him. It was making you mad at the pity he was starting to feel. And you have always hated pity.
You don't need anyone to feel sorry for you or to look at you with sadness in their eyes because they feel bad for you. You always hated pity and there have been many people who would try to show you it yet you always fired back because you hated it.
As you were about to walk away, he quickly grabbed onto your wrist, spinning you around to meet his eyes again.
"I had a feeling you would do that" he firmly said, not taking his hand away from your wrist as you both continued to stare at each other's eyes. And he had a good feeling since you were so ready to walk away.
"Can you let me go?"
"It's not pity" he commented, totally ignoring your request. Soon enough your eyes widened for a little, feeling shocked at how he knew what you felt. Were you really that obvious to read or was he just clever with people's emotions?
"I can never feel pity for you, not after the tough person i have gotten to see that you are" he continued, making you unsure about these words.
You aren't as tough and brave as you seem like or act like. Most of it is a facade that you put on since you don't want people to see how you truly feel. Or how you truly feel. But at this point none of that matters at all.
"I thought I was annoying" you commented, watching as he rolled his eyes at your sudden comment. Those exact words were the ones he has always told you, and you could tell he noticed it.
"You are" he laughed. "But so am i" he added, making you chuckle, as a small smile appeared on your face. He was right on that.
"Whatever you have going on, take care of yourself" he said, his voice sounding softer than you have ever heard before. You never heard this side or never seen it either. But in a way you could tell it was his way of telling you to feel better but without much love. It was his way of trying to comfort you even though he didn't know how to. And you appreciated it.
Because he was trying.
"Thank you Mr. know it all" you said, making him laugh. "You can never say something nice can you?" he continued to laugh as you joined in too. Something like this was rare to find, so rare to see.
And for the first time ever since you have met Jungkook, you found something comforting in his words and even his actions. There's only one thing you could say, he wasn't bad with his words when it came to comforting someone he didn't even know much.
He has his nice moments sometimes.