I got up the next morning, and Nate had already left to get ready for school at his house. I knew I shouldn't have stayed up so late last night, then Fez woke me up at four, I felt like I hadn't gotten any sleep at all. My hair needed to be washed but I didn't have the energy so I slicked it into a tight high bun, did my makeup and put in my hoops. I kept my outfit simple, high waisted jeans and a halter crop top. One of the teachers would probably give me a right up but fuck it.
I went downstairs to the kitchen to grab a glass of juice and take my prenatal gummy. It came as a huge shock to see my mother already downstairs. She was normally never up before I left for school.
"Good morning." I said walking past her to get to the fridge. She didn't reply, instead she watched me. Her face was pinched.
"Did you have a boy staying over here last night?" She demanded crossing her arms over her chest.
"Yes, I did. Why do you ask?" Scoffing at her sudden burst of interest in my life. I really didn't have the energy to fight with her right now.
"Because I saw him sneaking out an hour ago." She said accusingly. "And who was that banging the front door down in the middle of the night hmm? What the hell is going on?"
"I don't have to tell you everything going on in my life but I'm sorry if the banging woke you up-
"No Nia, I don't want to hear it! What would your father say? Sneaking boys into the house, people coming at all hours of the day and night, getting tattoos. You're a disgrace." She spat at me.
"I'm the disgrace?" I shot back. "Sorry I don't meet your expectations but I couldn't give a single fuck what Dad would think of me now.
"But since you care so much about it, what would he think if he could see the state of you Mom! Have you even showered yet this week? Had a drink yet this morning?"
"How dare you. How dare- I drink because I'm...I'm unhappy. My life is ruined. I'm a widow and you brought me here. You ruined my life-
"Oh fuck off Mom! You're a fucking hypocrite. We're all unhappy but we can't blame everything wrong in our lives on to other people! But guess what, if you don't want to live here there's nothing stopping you from leaving. You know where the fucking door is. Cuz I have news for you, I'm pregnant! And frankly I don't have the time or energy to spend the rest of my life taking care of you and be your emotional punching bag!"
She looked dumbstruck, and all the blood rushed out of her face. "Pregnant? You're out of control...you're a disgrace, you're nothing but a whore."
"Fuck it!" I shouted throwing my hands in the air. "Yeah Mom, I got pregnant and to you that makes me a whore. But guess what, you raised me. And you're not a good person. Neither was Dad. But at least Dad's dead, so that stops you from admitting to yourself what a shit fucking mother you've been all these years."
I couldn't bear to look at her a second longer.
She shouted something at me before I stormed out the front door and slammed it behind me.
Fucking bitch.
I sat into my car almost shaking with anger. I reversed down the drive way as fast as I could wanting to get as far away from the house as I could.
I don't really remember how I got to school, I could have driven through ten red lights for all I knew, but as soon as I parked the car in the parking lot I sat in the seat with my head resting on the steering wheel trying to get my head right. This wasn't the first time she had tried to control me by guilt tripping me or shaming me, I reasoned with myself, and it probably wouldn't be the last time. But the difference is I wasn't going to let her make me spiral any more. If she hated me fine, I hated her too. If she wished I was different, well I had wished the same thing my entire life.
Nate noticed I was in a bad mood straight away. He leaned against the lockers next to mine as I told him what happened.
"It's okay to be angry at her," he said, "cuz she's wrong."
"I'm not sure that helps me much. It still fucking hurts to hear that whether she's wrong about it or not." I said putting the key in the lock. "But its fine, fuck her. I don't want to let her ruin my day and its not like I can change my situation just to please her."
"Alright." He nodded in acceptance.
"Oh, you're probably not going to see much of me today."
"Why's that?" I asked him checking my timetable, I could never remember it off the top of my head.
"You know there's a game next Friday right? Coach is pulling us out of classes for pre-game prep."
"Oh okay. That sounds fucking boring." I chuckled.
"It will be. Are you coming?" He asked like it was no big deal but his eyes were hopeful.
"To the game? Nate...you know football isn't my thing." I whined looking up at him. "You're the one who forced me on the cheer team remember?"
His smile was small but coy. "I got tired of seeing Maddy cheering all the time...I wished it was her best friend."
"Nate!" I pushed him into the chest rolling my eyes. "That's fucked up."
"Come on. Seriously. I don't want to play unless you're there."
"I'll think about it." I muttered.
He brightened up immediately.
"That's not a yes!" I warned him as I headed to class and he walked towards some of the other guys on the team.
"Yeah, sure." He gave a toothy grin. "Text me!"
"Ugh finally he's gone." Maddy said linking arms with me as we walked to class.
"Did you hear about this big football game?" I asked her.
"Yeah. Unfortunately." She rolled her eyes and started complaining about cheerleading practice and how she wanted to quit the team too.
We sat into our seats and I noticed Cassie staring daggers at me.
"Something on your mind Cass?" I raised my brow at her. I'll be damned if she thinks she can intimidate me.
"Trust me Nia. You don't want to know whats on my mind right now." She said back with a creepy smile.
I was about to say something when the teacher walked in and started calling attendance.
"What the fuck was that about?" Maddy whispered.
"Fuck if I know." I replied looking at the back of Cassie's head with a bad feeling in my gut.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.
Short King: I had another dream about u last night
Me: oh yea?
Short King: wanna know what it was about?
Me: well I'm trying to focus on trigonometry but okay.
Short King: it's fine i'll help u with it later.
I smiled, it wouldn't be the first time Nate had done my math homework for me. My teacher couldn't believe my sudden improvement.
Me: Fine tell me about the dream
Short King: we went on a camping trip
Me: Ew. Fuck that.
Short King: lol stfu. It was hot.
Me: I like nature but sleeping in a tent on the ground is not hot
Short King: sleeping with u anywhere is hot
Short King: but your snores would probably wake the bears
Me: you prick. I'd let the bears eat you alive.
Short King: how lol id out run you. You're easy prey.
Me: okay well now im NEVER going camping with you. Happy? Fuck your stupid dreams lol.
Short King: wish i could see you rn
We texted back and forth through out the day. He was true to his word though, Coach had kept all the guys on the football team out of class. It was a boring day honestly and I was glad when the last bell rang so I could go home and catch up on some sleep.
I said goodbye to the girls in the parking lot and we went our separate ways. When I walked out to my car there was a brown paper bag resting on my drivers seat.
"The fuck?" I said to myself standing in the drivers side doorway.
I opened the bag and pulled out a large black and teal jersey with number eighteen on the front, it around to see the back.
JACOBS was emblazoned on the back. This fucking guy. He was determined I'd give him that much.
A horn beeped behind my car, I turned to see Nate driving though the parking lot with his window down, he was watching me hold up the jersey. I squinted at him, and he winked at me before driving off. So fucking cocky.
Me: This is way too big for me!
Short King: Yeah, that's kinda the point. Ever heard of maternity wear? It's gonna still fit u when your belly gets bigger.
Me: You're sweet lol.
Short King: Only to u
Short King: No one else thinks im sweet
Me: That's cuz they don't know you like I do.
Short King: no one knows me like u do.
I smiled unconsciously at how unexpectedly cute that was. I got into the car and started driving home, I had my music on and was enjoying playing it loud with my windows down.
The song got interrupted when the Bluetooth started ringing from my phone.
Incoming Call: Short King
I hit answer the answer button on my radio surprised he was calling me already.
"What are you doing later tonight?" He asked.
"No plans. Why?" I said stopping at crossing to let pedestrians go past.
"Because Mom just called and says she wants you to come over for dinner."
"Seriously? Why? She doesn't like me." I asked changing lanes to get to our turn off.
"No, she likes you. My Dad didn't like you." Nate said plainly.
"Okay but why do I feel like I'm being ambushed? Did you tell her about us?"
"She's knows I'm not sleeping at home anymore if that's what you're asking." He said making me even more uncertain.
I hit hang up as I was literally pulling into our neighborhood and I could see Nate getting the mail out of their mailbox.
I rolled down my window.
"What time is dinner?" I called out.
"Six." Nate said closing the mailbox giving me a content smile.
"Alright." I said as my window went up, and I drove the few meters to my own drive way.
Ash was already at home when I got in, he was standing in the kitchen like he had something to say.
"Here." He said thrusting some papers into my hand.
"What's this..no. No fucking way." I scanned over it seeing his familiar handwriting.
I almost forgot today he had an English exam and we had been working on his essay skills for the past few nights.
I was trying to give him practical tips, like watching your timing so you don't waste time on a lesser valued question, answering the topics you definitely know first then coming back to the ones you don't later. I had even started giving him a timer to help him focus under pressure.
He didn't enjoy it.
Many pens had been thrown at me.
But he was getting better at explaining his thoughts in writing.
Ash stood there trying to keep a straight face but I could see an excited glimmer in his eyes as I flicked to the last page.
In red pen there was his correction for some minor grammar errors and the grade, A-.
"Ash," I couldn't believe my eyes, "is this real? You didn't forge this or cheat?"
"Man, fuck no! That's all me!" He smiled pointing his finger at the grade.
"Ahhhhh!!!!!" I screeched giving him a massive hug. "This is fucking amazing Ash!"
It was a huge improvement, his grades had worked from a D average to a C, but to get an A was amazing. Better than I had hoped for.
"Alright, pipe down." He said dismissively pushing away from me.
"I will not pipe down!" I went over to the refrigerator and flipped his essay to the last page before sticking it to the door with a magnet. "This is a huge deal Ash. Huge!"
"Stop man-
"No, you're so fucking smart Ash. Look at this, you did this! You can do anything you put your mind to, not just the business."
He shrugged it away clearly embarrassed and grabbed a coke from the fridge. Fuck it, I was going to big him up regardless. I wanted him to feel like he had options for his future.
"Did you see my Mom today?" I asked hesitantly.
"Nah," he said pitting his laptop into his back pack and walking over to the door. "Aight-imma head out. I'll hit you up later."
"Alright! Take a fifty out of my bag before you go."
"Nah I don't need it."
"You earned it." I said stuffing it into his hand before he could say no. "Love you!" I called behind me, as he left and I made my way upstairs. Even if he didn't need to money I felt better knowing he had it for an Uber or something.
I turned on my music and jumped into the shower and took my time washing, enjoying relaxing in the warm water and conditioning my hair trying to get into a calm frame of mind before I went over to Nate's house.
I got out, dried my hair and got dressed pulling a burgundy midi dress on over my head and watching in the mirror as I went over my tummy, it was a little rouched so I hoped it would hide the tiny bump. From the side I looked like a was carrying period bloating low down.
I picked some fresh tulips from the flower beds in the back yard, washed them off and tied a ribbon around the stems, grabbed my phone and started walking to the Jacob's.
I rang the doorbell and Nate answered almost immediately like he had been waiting for me to get there.
"Hey." I grinned, feeling like it has been forever since I had seen him last when really it was only since this morning.
"Come on in." He smiled giving me a kiss in the hallway. He had missed me too clearly.
I could hear music playing from the kitchen, Marsha was dancing around to En Vogue.
She was drink white wine in the middle of the after noon, smoking cigarette in the house just because she could. With Cal gone, she seemed the happiest I had ever seen her.
Honestly go off Marsha.
"Hey sweetheart!" She smiled at me.
"Mom put that out right now." Nate said snatching the half smoked cigarette out of her hand and subbing it into the trash. He quickly opened two of the windows so the smoke could escape quickly.
"What? What's up your ass." Martha chuckled looking at her son funny.
I knew he had done it for me.
Distracting her, I handed her the bunch of flowers and giving her a hug.
"You look gorgeous!" She said admiring my dress. Nate was admiring it too but with more of a predatory glint in his eye. He was checking me out and he wanted me to know it.
"I hope you like chicken Alfredo!" She said stirring a big pot of pasta.
"That sounds amazing." I smiled sitting beside Nate at the kitchen island. He subtly ran his hand down my thigh when his mothers back was turned making my thighs clench. I threw him side eyed warning which he clearly didn't care about.
"So, how long has this been going on Hm?" Marsha asked looking at us both.
"A little while." I said politely.
"And how does that blonde girl feel about all this?"
"We weren't dating Mom. She stayed here for a while. That's all it was." Nate said unbothered.
"I was always terrified you were going to get her pregnant. She's the type that would keep it just to spite you. She was a nightmare that one."
"You say that about everyone I date." Nate chuckled pouring himself a drink.
"That's your fault!" His mom waved the spoon at him. "I think you're making much better choices these days." She pointed the spoon at me.
She plated up some delicious creamy pasta and we all began eating and chatting about school, football the usual things parents want to hear about. Marsha had polished off an entire bottle of wine by herself.
"You know, I think I'm going to buy me a Peleton." She smiled.
"Oooh! You should clear out the office upstairs and put it in there, like your own work out room." I smiled at her.
"That's a great fucking idea!" She said enthusiastically. "I can't wait to get back in shape and start dating."
"Mom, stop." Nate muttered picking the pasta up with his fork.
"What? You don't want a step father?" She teased him. "I told my son, whatever you do, don't marry someone you meet in high school. You're both so young, you can have anything you want in life. Don't rush into things! Experiment."
"Mom shut the fuck up! You sound like a fucking teenager, Jesus fucking Christ!" Nate complained, looking horrified at her for even contemplating it.
"I think it's totally fair to want to restart your life now that you're a free woman." I shrugged stabbing a piece of chicken with my fork.
"See! She gets it! This is why I wish I had a daughter." She looked at Nate.
"Why is it you only have the bad qualities of your father and none of the good qualities." She said walking across to the kitchen island.
"What good qualities were those?" I asked her thinking it wasn't a good idea for her to be comparing Nate to his father right now. "Being an impressive liar?"
Nate glanced at me with a smirk. He knew I would have his back no matter what dumb shit his mother said.
"Yes he-he was deeply flawed. But some how we raised a child that was even more deeply flawed." She gestured to her son. "Do you ever wonder about that? What went wrong?"
Nate was frozen watching her mid motion.
"No of course you don't because your fucking dumbass Dad didn't believe in therapy. So self reflection is off the table." She said looking a little distressed.
"Its just a mystery to me. Because you were such a sweet little baby. I remember you used to come into our bedroom before bed. You'd kiss me and tell me you loved me, you'd tell him you loved him too. But then somewhere around eight or nine you just darkened. Do you remember that? Do you remember those years?" She implored him, searching his face for some answers. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, like this wasn't a conversation I should be privy to.
"Not really no." He muttered looking down at the food on his plate.
"I used to ask your Dad did a baseball hit you in the head, did he get a concussion? Did something happen? I just don't understand it was such a drastic change-
"What's the fucking point, whats the fucking point of all this." Nate said shaking his head, his voice was a little tense. These questions were making him panic. Marsha kept saying she asked Cal what happened to her son, but what if it was Cal who was responsible, what if Cal did something to him.
Dread pooled in my stomach as I looked from mother to son. What the fuck happened to him? What did Cal do? What if it was more than just the discs.
"I'm just trying to figure out what happened, thats all."
"I feel like you're trying to say something without saying it." Nate said looking down at his hands, before looking into his mothers eyes with so much pain and worry she almost shook.
"I-I'm not...I'm not." Martha said weakly. She was scared to know the answer to the question of what her husband did to her youngest son. "Forget I- forget it." She muttered turning away to the stove behind her.
We finished dinner, Marsha and I continued to make small talk mostly. But I could feel Nate radiating beside me and I began to worry he would turn his anger on me.
I put our plates into the dishwasher and Nate stood up to go.
"We're going up to my room." He told his mother matter of factly.
"We'll I'm sure I don't need to warn you two about the birds and the bees just use protection." She joked waving a fork around.
My eyes flicked to Nate as I tried not to cringe.
"That won't be a problem." He said simply.
"Good! That's what I like to hear!"
"I mean that won't be a problem because she's already pregnant Mom." Nate said calmly, watching her reaction intently, he enjoyed it..
She immediately choked on her wine and the glass made a violent clink against the counter top. Her eyes bugged out of her head at us.
"Nate!" I hissed at him. Why the fuck would he say that. Great, he's at this chaotic shit again.
"Is this...a joke?" Marsha asked nervously.
"Mom." Nates voice was quiet but deadly. "I'm warning you. Whatever you're about to say, think very carefully before you say it."
"It's okay Marsha, it's not Nates baby. Nate isn't responsible for me or obligated to take care of my baby." I told her, Nate's shoulders sank an inch. "He's just...being there for me right now."
"So-so whats going on between you both?" Marsha asked, her eyes ping-ponging between us both.
"It's complicated." He said, making it clear to end the conversation. "Come on let's go."
Nate opened the door to his room and lay down ontop of his grey bedspread and motioned for him to do the same.
"Why would you say that to her? Like that?" I asked him directly.
"She would find out eventually." He muttered like it wasn't a big deal.
"Okay but you shocked her, on purpose. You don't need to do that shit." I said resting my head onto the pillow next to him.
He turned onto his side rubbing his hand along my belly.
"You know you're safe with me right?" I said gently.
He paused, then nodded.
"You know that dream you told me about, the really bad nightmare...do you think something like that could have really happened to you years ago? I asked softly.
"Why are you asking me this?" His tone was sharp, his hand stopped over my belly button.
"It might be the reason why you have a hard time remembering things from then, and why you have the nightmares, why you don't like seeing guys naked around you?" I suggested gently hoping he might open up.
"Just-just stop."
"Babe-
"I don't want to talk about that! Whether I'm okay or I'm not okay it doesn't make any difference. I am who I am. Talking about that shit wont make a difference!" He sat up off the bed.
"That's not true and you know it. You say all that shit but you know you've been doing and feeling a lot better lately because we talked about it." I reasoned.
Nate started pacing.
"What the fuck do you want me to say Nia!? What the fuck do you want me to do!?" He yelled punching his fist at the wall, denting the plaster.
"I don't want this!" I gestured at the indent in the wall like he just proved my point for me. "I just don't want things to go back the way they were because of something your Mom saying triggering you! If she brought up old memories for you I don't want you to go back to the fucking angry psychotic shit you did before. The shit you did to Tyler or the black mail. The outbursts! The jealousy! Thats why I want you to talk about it with me."
"I told you I wanted to do better, and I do. I'm trying to manage my fucking anger. But let me get this straight, there's some things I won't change." He said looking down at me. "That shit will always be who I am. The world is full of guys who want to hurt girls like you cuz you're fucking beautiful, and you're small and you're an easy target they can do what ever the fuck they want with you. Guys who would date rape you, or kidnap you in a fucking second guys like my fucking Dad."
He leaned over me where I sat on the bed and he grabbed my chin.
"So I can change plenty of things I do, but those I wont change. I'm going to be there to protect you. If that means I have to fucking lie and blackmail then I fucking will. If that makes me angry, psychotic, jealous I don't give a fuck. If anyone ever tried to hurt you, I'd kill them."
I looked up at him, knowing he meant it.
"I'm not going to stay here and fight with you. I get that your Mom set you off and triggered you. And I get in this situation you'd probably go and start shit with Maddy but that's not what I'm about to deal with." I pulled my face back and shrugged him away.
I put on my shoes and picked my phone up off his bed. I could see him pacing.
"What're you doing? You running off cause you're scared now?" Nate grimaced.
"No Nate. I'm not running and I'm not scared of you. I'm asserting some boundaries." I said crossing the room to leave.
"Nia...I'm sorry."
"You're always sorry. I'm not trying to go out with a guy who's so fucking out of his own control he can't stop himself from punching his fist through the walls. I mean it Nate."
"Okay and I said I'm sorry and I fucking mean it." He sighed and his shoulders slumped.
I was quiet for a second.
"Look, I know you're trying. And I know you can't change everything about yourself, and I don't want you to. But I'm not going to be the target for your anger. I've been through too much traumatic shit in my life." I sighed.
"I know that." He said closing his eyes, getting himself together. "Come on. I want you to stay over."
"Lets just take a break for tonight." I said gently knowing it was for the best. I needed to get a good night rest and I knew I wouldn't be able to relax like this.
"Fuck- I don't want you to go." He insisted stubbornly putting his arms around me.
"And I don't want us to say something well regret." I looked up at him earnestly.
"Well...can I at least walk you home?" He asked urgently. I knew his stress would only spike again if I said no.
"Yeah, come on lets go." I took his hand in mine, and he smiled a little reassured that I needed him, that I wasn't leaving him.
His mother was sitting in the living room when we came down stairs. She watched Nate warily.
"Goodnight Marsha, thanks for cooking dinner. I loved it." I said giving her a light hug at the door. Before I could pull away from her she squeezed me tight again.
Nate walked me home and held my hand the whole way like he didn't want to let me go. But I knew it was for the best. I was tired and ready to go to bed.
I kissed him good night at my door, he looked defeated when I didn't ask him to come in.
I was surprised not to see my mother waiting to continue berating me when I opened the front door. I tossed my keys onto the hall table, and kicked off my shoes. It felt like climbing Mount Everest just to get up the stairs, I couldn't get into bed fast enough even though it was only like 9 p.m. I took off my dress and makeup and crawled into bed, falling asleep soon after.
I was deep asleep but I rolled over in bed and something was vaguely nagging at me. Whats that noise?
I cracked an eye open. My room was pitch black.
What the fuck is that noise?
There was urgent knocking on the front door downstairs. At 11:30pm?
God it better not be Fez again I was about to chew his ass out and I didn't want my mother causing a scene. I stomped down stairs in a fucking mood. I was getting really sick of being woken up like this two nights in a row.
I cautiously peaked out the window, it was dark out but there were red and blue lights flashing in the driveway.
The cops were here.
I opened the door with my heart racing to find two officers standing on the porch.
"Hello?" I said holding the door open a fraction feeling panicked.
"Hello, I'm sorry to disturb you so late. Are you Nia Gordon?" One of them asked formally. They both watched me carefully.
"Yes that's me." My stomach churned brutally.
"Hi Nia. I'm Officer Rodgers and this is Officer Martinez, I'm an investigating officer. Your mother is Laura Gordon correct?"
"Yes. What is this about?" I asked, my throat felt tight.
"How about we go inside. Lets sit you down here for a second so we can talk." Officer Martinez led me over to the kitchen table and sat me down. I was starting to get more and more panicked. What the fuck happened?
Did something happen to Fez?
"Do you have anyone else in the house with you right now? Or any family or a close friend near by you can call?" Martinez said calmly. What the fuck is happening right now.
"Just-just give me a second." I said breathing harder while I unlocked my phone. Ash was working at the store. My hands were shaking. I dialed Nate's number and listened to it ringing.
"Yo this is Nate. I'm busy. Leave a message at the beep." I heard his monotone voice message from my phone speaker.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I called Fez next. His phone rang multiple times and again.
"Hello?" A female voice answered. I was so freaked out I couldn't even recognize who's voice it was.
"Who is this?" My voice trembled.
"Nia? Its Lexi? Are you okay?" She asked.
"Where's Fez? Is he okay?" I demanded not even fucking caring she was clearly at his place answering his phone in the middle of the night.
"Yeah, why wouldn't he be? He's right here hold on-
Instead I just hung up. He was clearly more than okay.
"Nia. Is there anyone else in the house with you?"
"No my Dad passed, its just me and my Mom." I said shakily.
"Okay...when did you last see your mother?"
"This, this morning, but she's upstairs in bed I'll go get her."
"No Nia, stay where you are. We have to deliver some bad news. I need you to take a deep breath for me." Officer Rodgers stated slowly.
"Your mother Laura, was killed in a car crash just over an hour ago."
"No. No...." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "What?? No, there has to be a mistake. She never drives anywhere!" I said in disbelief.
"I'm afraid its true. She was driving a black Audi registered in your name at the time." He continued.
"That's...that's my car. I don't understand. I'm the only person who drives that car."
I stammered before staring into space. I bolted out of the seat and ran to the front door, staring in disbelief at the empty space where I had parked my car. My keys weren't on the hall table where I left them.
"Its alright Nia. This is devastating news. Why don't you sit down so Rodgers can answer any questions you have." Martinez said leading me back away from the door towards the kitchen again.
We sat down at the table again and Officer Rodger was talking but I couldn't hear the words. It was like ants were running under my skin and everything around me was spinning.
I only realized someone else had come into the house when the front door slammed open.
"Nia!" I heard Nate's voice boom before he came in the room. "What the hell is going on?" Nate demanded, wearing a tshirt and a pair of grey sweatpants, his eyes looked over me to make sure I was okay before he focused on the two officers for answers.
"Sir calm down." Martinez told him. "Nia is this someone close to you?"
"Yeah." I nodded.
"I'm her boyfriend." Nate answered.
"I tried...to call you." I whispered.
"Im sorry. I-I was working out, my phone was on silent." He rushed over and put his arms around my shoulders.
"Whats going on?" He asked the Rodgers.
"Nia's mother died about an hour ago."
"What happened?? Did someone crash into her?" I asked, my chest heaving.
"No. She was driving under the influence of alcohol, she was heavily intoxicated and hit a tree that was forked between the road. According to a witness who lives near by they said it seemed like she was parked on the side of the road and then accelerated at high speed directly for the tree. Thankfully no one else was injured." Officer Rodgers explained.
Nate didn't say anything, instead he just squeezed me against his chest and buried his face against my hair.
"I-I don't. I don't understand." I whispered.
"Could you tell me about the events of today, anything that happened to your mother recently. How has she been doing lately?" Rodgers asked opening a small notebook he kept in his shirt pocket.
"Ummm...not well. She, she drinks a lot. She's been depressed since my Dad died. And she become pretty much a recluse. I do the driving and most of the chores to take care of her." I told them like she's still alive.
"Okay, so her mental state wasn't very good lately?"
"No, she's been miserable for months. No interest in anything. She has no interest in living any more...but I never thought she would kill herself." I sobbed against Nates chest.
I could hear a woman's raised voice coming through the house.
"Martinez can you go see who that is?" Rodgers said getting a little annoyed with the interruptions.
"What's happened? Is she alright? Is it the baby?" Marsha yelled frantically.
"Nia and the baby are safe mom." Nate assured her.
"Take a seat Marsha." Officer Rodgers said clearly recognizing her.
"Hi Mike whats going on?" Marsha asked sitting at the table looking at us all in alarm.
"You said baby. Do you have a baby?" Rodgers asked me immediately.
"No, she's ten weeks pregnant." Nate answered for me. I was immensely relieved he was able to answer some of the officers questions and explain things to his mother because it felt like my brain was working in slow motion.
She can't be dead. I looked out to the hallway expecting her to come down stairs any second now.
"So you saw your Mom this morning correct? How was she then?" Rodgers pressed on.
"Yeah. She was annoyed at me. Nate stayed over last night and she got mad at me about it. This...this is all my fault." I trembled covering my face in my hands.
"This isn't your fault Nia. Just tell us what happened." Martinez said calmly.
"She...she was yelling at me and I told her I was pregnant. She called me a whore. She-she told me I ruined her life." I sobbed. "I-I told her she was a bad mother. And I fucking left. I left. That's the last thing I told her."
"Okay. I'm very sorry you had that argument with her today." Rodgers clicked his pen and sighed. "It sounds like your mother was struggling with a lot of mental illness. We'll know a bit more when the autopsy is completed and we can notify you of any details. But from the looks of the on scene assessment and what you've told us, your mother was driving well over the legal limit and made a pretty sudden decision to end her life tonight. You can't blame yourself Nia."
"Can we see your mothers room Nia? Just in case she left any kind of note behind." Martinez asked.
"Its...the first room on the right upstairs." I shuddered.
"Can I go see her?" I asked Officer Rodgers. Maybe if I could see her, then it might make sense.
"No sweet heart. I don't think thats a good idea. Her remains are with the coroner at the morgue right now. " The officer said in the gentlest way possible. "There...there was a lot of fire damage to the car when it impacted. So I would recommend that you don't do a viewing."
I felt the blood rush down to my feet.
"Oh God." Marsha whispered covering her hand over her mouth.
We sat in horrified silence after that last piece of information set in.
Officer Martinez came back down stairs. "I didn't find any kind of note, but I made note of any of the prescription pills in her bathroom vanity and we can pass that on to the coroner."
None of this made sense.
"Now, you said your father is also deceased correct?" Rodgers asked. I just nodded.
"Martinez and I, we want to make sure you're in good hands okay? This is a huge shock, you're going to be feeling pretty fragile. Do you have any legal guardian that you can stay with?"
"No, not really. All my family is back in Ireland-
"She can stay with me Mike." Marsha piped up immediately, her face creasing in worry. "You know we live just down the street. If she needs anything we can take care of it and she's still be close to home."
Officer Rodgers nodded. "Does that sound alright to you Nia? If there's anyone you want me to call just let me know and I can help make travel arrangements."
"No...I'll...I'll stay with the Jacobs for a little while. If thats okay." I whispered against Nate.
"Of course its okay." Nate said kissing the top of my head.
"Okay well for now I'll leave our contact information with Marsha so you can call us directly for any assistance. We're going to be filling out the police report and I mean it, any thing you need or any questions I can answer just let us know."
I don't remember much after that point apart from hearing the officers tell Marsha and Nate to watch in case I went into shock and contact emergency services. They said there probably wasn't much medication the EMT's could give me for shock though because I was pregnant.
"Nate, stay here with her. I'm going to go upstairs and get her a bag for the night." Marsha said taking charge of the situation.
The officers both offered me their condolences, gave Marsha their business cards and left the house.
I don't know all the details of how or when I got to Nate's room, I remember him helping me walk up the stairs holding my arm in case I lost my balance.
He sat me down on his bed, and I knew his Mom came in there too. She whispered something about shock and bent down and took my Ugg boots off my feet and Nate sat onto the bed coaxing me to lie down.
My phone was ringing off the hook.
It was Fez.
13 missed calls.
I couldn't bear to answer. I knew if I heard his voice or had to say the words I would just break.
My hands shook as I tried to type out anything that made sense.
Me: Ash needs to stay with you tonight. Something happened with my Mom.
That's all I could manage to type before my the phone started shaking in my hand too much.
"Hey. I've got you." Nate took the phone out of my hand, turned it off and plugged it into his charger. He lay down beside me, and wrapped his arms around me.
Nate rocked me in his arms back and forth all night whispering things to try and keep me calm but honestly I'm pretty sure after that I just dissociated.
I couldn't feel anything. I was so numb, I couldn't even cry.