TW: talking about panic attacks and PTSD
Pov Natasha
Around an hour later, Wanda joins us in the kitchen. She immediately comes to me.
"Hey, Natasha. Y/n and I are already home because she wasn't feeling well." She explains, careful because she isn't sure how much y/n wants me to know. I appreciate her being careful with the information she shares and nod.
"I know, the school called me and we had quite a long talk. Don't worry, you're not in trouble." I add when I see Wanda's expression change into worry.
"They just informed me about what happened. And I wanna thank you for taking care of y/n, I assume in school and here." I thank her, honestly relieved y/n didn't have to be alone.
"Yes, of course. I would do anything for her." Wanda replies and I crack a tiny smile at her honesty. Maybe she really is okay and by the way she cares about my daughter it seems like she wouldn't hurt her on purpose.
"I appreciate that a lot. Is she up now? Can I talk to her?" I ask and Wanda nods slowly.
"She was pretty exhausted and I think sleeping helped her to regain some energy. When I left, she was half awake but I don't know if she fell asleep again or if she's awake now." Wanda shrugs and turns to the fridge to get a bottle of water.
I nod and make my way to her room. After I knocked, I slowly open the door and look inside.
Y/n is sitting up against the headboard of her bed and looks up from a book when I step in.
She smiles at me and puts the book down.
"Hey, malyschka. How are you feeling?" I ask, close the door and sit next to her on the bed.
"I'm okay now. Do you know what happened?" She asks, her voice tells me she is unsure about my reaction. I tug some hair behind her ear and nod.
"But I'm not mad." I make clear so she knows there's nothing to worry about.
"Wanna tell me what happened?" I ask and take her hand, slowly brushing my thumb over the back of her hand. That always calmed her down when she was little.
She thinks for a few seconds before she shifts a little to sit up straighter and nods.
"Well, I was in my thoughts and not paying attention, even though I should have. The teacher noticed and picked me to answer his question. He repeated it but I still didn't have an answer because it was based off of our homework, which I didn't do. Just this one time, I just forgot, it never happened before. He started raising his voice at me and told me that it's disrespectful not to listen in class and so on. I didn't like him yelling at me, it reminded me of the Red Room and images flooded my mind and when he raised his hand, I covered my face with my arms. It was an impulse without me thinking about it. Because in that moment I was too much in the headspace of being back in the Red Room." Y/n starts telling her side of the story and her voice starts to slightly shake at the memory.
Her fingers start to play with my hand and I continue to rub her hand. I don't like that her teacher yelled at her, no one should yell at my daughter.
"I started to panic and I felt trapped in the room and just wanted to get out. And so I did and ran off to the toilet. Wanda joined me and helped me to calm down. I don't know why I got flashbacks but the teacher yelling at me just seemed to have triggered something. And when he saw my reaction, he called it ridiculous." She ends, her eyes glued to her fingers and a single tear rolling down her cheek.
I clench the hand that she isn't fiddling with and grind my teeth. That teacher will wish he never spoke to y/n that way! How dare he call her ridiculous when she's having a panic attack?!
"I'm sorry." Y/n whispers and I look at her to find her glancing at me, her body small.
"No, malyschka. I'm not angry with you, you can't control what triggers you. I'm angry with the way your teacher reacted." I explain and run my hand through my hair.
Y/n slightly flinches when I lift my hand and it breaks my heart to see her reaction and how scared she was for a second. She seems to realize her action and starts to tear up a little. This day really is an emotional rollercoaster for her.
"I'm sorry, mama. I didn't mean to. I know you'd never hit me. It's just...with what happened this morning, my brain is still not over it and I react to things that usually don't bother me." She sobs and leans into me. I wrap my arms around her and hold her secure, placing a kiss onto her hair.
"It's okay, really. I'm not mad at you. It's nothing you're doing on purpose and you don't have to feel sorry for it. Your feelings and reactions are so valid. And I'm sorry the teacher yelling at you triggered you." I assure her and feel her body shake when she sobs again.
"I know but I also know you wouldn't hurt me and I still flinched." She cries and hides her face in my chest. I hug her closer and rub her back. Of course, it hurt me a little to see her flinch but not because she means it in a bad way but because it hurts me to know where it comes from and that she had to live through it.
"It's a normal reaction, considering how they treated you in the Red Room. Please don't worry about me, I'm not mad at you." I assure her in a calm voice and feel her nodding against my body.
When her body calms down and she pulls back, I slowly and carefully wipe away the last strains of tears and kiss her forehead.
"There's one more thing I need to tell you." I start and watch her reaction closely, not wanting to burden her with more than she can handle right now.
"I told your principal about you being kidnapped. Not by who or why, just that they treated you badly and that your reaction today comes from this. It's confidential and he won't make it a big thing. It was just important that he knew because he was concerned that things here at home weren't safe." I chose my words carefully, not wanting to make her feel like it's her fault in any way.
Y/n looks at me a little confused. "What do you mean 'weren't safe'?" She asks, her still red eyes on me.
"He thought you get hit at home." I explain, wanting to be honest with her. She looks at me in disbelieve and if her words didn't reassure me, her offended look now does assure me that she isn't scared of me hitting her and the flinching was just a reflex.
"Why would he think that? You would never hit me, nor would the others here!" She says, her tone making it obvious that she is offended by the accusation.
"It's because of the reaction towards the teacher raising his hand to do whatever he planned. Your principal didn't mean to be offensive, he was just worried. That's why I told him the truth." I explain.
She nods slowly, letting the information sink in. For a second her eyes fill with guilt.
"It's not your fault, malyschka. And we talked it through, there is nothing to worry about and I'm not mad at you." I say before her mind sets on a different believe. She relaxes again and nods, accepting my answer. We stay quiet for a little while.
"The panic attack was scary. I felt like it got harder to breathe with every minute." She says silently and I brush over her hair as she leans against my shoulder.
"Panic attacks are very scary and exhausting. That's why I'm glad you calmed down and Wanda was with you." I agree. Y/n nods and thinks about her next sentence.
"Me too. She somehow knew how to handle me and it really helped me to calm down. I don't know what I would have done if she wouldn't have been there." She bites the inside of her cheek.
"Don't worry about that. Luckily she was there. What do you think of the idea if we sit down tomorrow or Saturday and talk about what you can do if you experience that again? Just so you know what helps you to calm down again." I suggest and place another kiss on her hair.
"Yeah, that sounds smart." She agrees in a whisper and cuddles more into me. I hold her and we stay like this for a while. Her body relaxes further and at some point I start humming without realizing it.
I only notice when y/n joins in and hums the same melody. It's the old Russian lullaby I used to sing to her when she was a baby. It always calmed her down and it still seems to work. I'm surprised she remember the melody this well even after all these years.
The moment is calm and if it wasn't because of what happened today, I'd almost say it's a nice, peaceful moment.
I just hope I can help her with dealing what she went through. And if not, I will offer to help her find a professional she can talk to, if she wants to and feels comfortable with it.
"You're safe and I love you, malinkiy." I whisper into her hair and feel her squeeze me a little tighter in response.
A/n: Quite a heavy chapter but I thought it was important for Nat and y/n to talk about that.
Translation:
Malyschka = Baby
Malinkiy = little one
Thank you for reading and love to you all <3