T W E N T Y T H R E E
I looked down at my hands, feeling quite ashamed for being this weak and pathetic.
I have been forced to be strong most of my life, especially when my mom died and my father ended up ghosting me when I needed him the most.
There has never been any room for weakness in a life I had to start facing on my own at just 17. It has always been me against the world.
Always.
"I'm sorry." I sniffed, trying my hardest to hold back the sobs that threatened to escape.
"Hey, look at me," Evan grabbed my chin, making me look at him. "You don't need to apologize to me or even try to pretend that you are okay. It's just me, Aggs."
I stared at him—his image blurred by the tears in my eyes.
It took me a second before finally allowing myself the time to let out what I had been holding in for weeks. All the pain, the frustration, the anger, and the utter emptiness that had consumed what was left of my heart was pouring out, and no matter how hard I tried to control it, I couldn't.
I let it all out while being back in the arms of the first and only man that has ever made me feel safe in my life.
The only man that I was entirely sure, without a doubt, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, no matter how many times he ended up ruining me.
I couldn't keep running away whenever things started to get rough, especially when it came to Evan.
I tried so hard for months to move on and forget about him, but the harder I tried, the harder it got for me to actually do it.
When that didn't work, I stupidly tried to be friends with him while co-parenting, but sex and our feelings got in the way of that.
Then I tried to forget about Evan's existence by casually seeing Liam, but instead of enjoying my time with an amazing and respectful man, I kept feeling terrible not only for Liam, who seemed to like me genuinely but for thinking that somehow I was cheating on Evan.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't let him go.
Even after all these years, my heart still accelerates whenever I see him, just like when we met. Whenever we are on a call, and a woman shamelessly flirts with him, I can't help but feel my blood boil even though Evan never gives them any attention. At least when I was around.
Evan has made me feel things that no man before has, not even Ian. As corny and unhealthy as it sounded, I couldn't see myself living without him. Somewhere along the way, he started to become my lifeline.
When I moved to California, I came with the mentality that I was destined to live with a broken heart. That love was just a concept that only existed in movies and fairytales, then, out of nowhere, Evan came along, and everything changed.
Evan held me closer to his body, his warmth soothing. His hands rubbed soft circles along my back while he whispered sweet nothings to my ear.
I cried for everything that had happened between us. For the babies we lost and the pain we have endured throughout everything.
After a while, I managed to calm down. Exhaustion quickly took over my body.
"Daddy?" Maia called out, sounding scared. The tone of her voice caused a sting in my heart because I was the reason she started to develop this emotion that no child should ever feel.
She was the one that found me when I overdosed, and she was the one who I took out all the anger and pain I felt at the time after losing yet another baby.
"I'm here, Maybear," Evan replied. We exchanged a look before I crawled off his la[ and watched him go downstairs.
I haven't seen Maia in almost two weeks. Not because I didn't want to or couldn't, but because I didn't think I was a fit mother. Who in their right mind would yell at a two-year-old child as if they had any fault for the miscarriages? I have hated myself every day since that and haven't found the courage to face my baby girl, no matter how much it hurts being away from her.
Crossing my legs underneath me, I heard Evan saying something to Maia as they headed upstairs. Air caught in my throat the second Maia spotted me on the bed. Tears welled up in my eyes again as I gave her a little wave, and instead of waving back and squealing with excitement like she always does when she sees me, she hid her face in Evan's neck.
"Hey, Maia, you are not going to say hi to mommy? She missed you so much."
"No!" Maia exclaimed, causing the pain I felt in my chest to intensify.
Evan frowned, shaking her a little in his arms, trying to get her attention. "Come on, Maia."
"It's okay, Evan. I- I deserve this." I gave him a weak smile, helplessly wiping the tears away with the back of my hands. "It is a mess I created, and now I have to deal with it."
As much as it pained me to admit it, I always had my doubts about becoming a mother.
I have been an utter mess for the majority of my life. A mess that could barely keep things together.
Why did I ever entertain the idea of becoming a parent when I knew I was going to be a disaster at it. No wonder I keep losing babies. I was not equipped for this.
"Aggs, please stop. She loves you. She just needs a little reminder of how much you love her." Evan said, walking over to the bed. "Maybear, stay with mommy while I make you a bottle before bedtime."
He tried to sit her on the bed next to me, but she held on tight to him. "No, daddy!"
"Look, mommy is sad. I think she needs one of those hugs you give daddy when he is sad to make him feel better. What do you think?"
That seemed to catch her attention because she shifted her head to peek at me. Her little hands loosen, giving Evan the chance to set her down on the bed.
"Hey, bug." I managed to say, smiling through my tears.
"I'll be back, okay?" Evan reassured her, kissing her head.
Maia's brown eyes looked between her dad and me, trying to figure out her next move before she gave in and decided to crawl into my lap, wrapping her little arms around me.
I closed my eyes and let out a gasping sob while holding her tight. Tighter than I had ever held her before.
Even with the constant fear of not being a good mother, I was more afraid of losing her. Maia was one of the many reasons why I needed help.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry for yelling at you and for scaring you." I told her, kissing her cheek over and over. "Mommy won't do that ever again."
Maia lifted her head from my shoulder and touched my cheek with her tiny fingers. "Don't cly, momma."
The tears streamed down my cheeks as I thought about not seeing Maia again. "I love you more than the sun and the stars."
Maia giggled. "And moon?"
"And the moon." I leaned forward and rubbed my nose against hers. "And also daddy, but don't tell him that. That's our secret."
Maia pressed her pointer finger against her lips and shushed before giggling some more. "Seclet"
"For the first time in weeks, I genuinely smiled. It was true that I didn't feel like I was a fit mother, but I couldn't deny that Maia made my life happier and brighter.
Smoothing her hair back from her face, I kissed her temple. Maia rubbed her eyes, yawning in the process.
"Are you still tired, bug?" I pulled her closer to me, kissing her forehead. She nodded, yawning again. "Want to lay down with mommy?"
Maia pulled back, looking towards the stairs. "But daddy,"
"He'll come."
"Daddy lay too?"
I chuckled, smoothing her wild curls again. "Of course."
She smiled big, quickly crawling towards the top of the bed, pulling the covers and getting under them.
"Maia lay here," she said and patted the spot to her right. "Momma lay here. Daddy lay here." She added, patting the opposite side of the bed.
I shook my head at her enthusiasm before getting under the covers with her. Immediately, she curled next to me, nuzzling on my shoulder.
I watched as her eyelids grew heavy while I ran my fingers through her hair, enjoying the calm and quiet my mind found at this moment. I couldn't remember the last time I felt like my head wasn't in a constant fight with my demons.
"I should go finish building Maia's bed before—" Evan trailed off, a broad smile forming on his face as he saw us. "Guess I took a little too long with the bottle."
I extended my hand, waiting for him to pass me the bottle, knowing that even though Maia was more asleep than awake, she would drink the milk.
The girl was used to her routines, and it was challenging to disrupt them at times. I was well aware that these past weeks had been hard on her because we did everything together, and even though Evan knew her routine, he wasn't me.
I didn't have to be a mind reader to know I had caused my daughter some sort of indescribable pain. Evan's face and lack of details whenever I asked about her, were enough for me to know.
On top of it all, my father constantly told me that now that I was a parent, I couldn't just think about myself anymore, no matter how much my life was in shreds. Kind of ironic, considering he packed his things and left when his world crumbled down, but I knew better than to throw that in his face.
If I had learned something during this time away from Maia, I didn't want to make her feel what my father had made me feel for years. I didn't want her to grow up thinking that her mom didn't want her or that she did anything wrong. She will have enough of that when it is time to tell her about her birth parents.
Right now, I needed to get better to make sure she knew and never forgets how much she means to me.
"I love you." Evan whispered. His arm resting protectively over Maia while rubbing small circles against the exposed skin of my hip with his thumb.
"I love you too."
I closed my eyes, taking in this little moment between us. It was the first time in so long that we actually felt like a family, no matter how broken it was.
I was sure that if this feeling of love and safety were what having a family was supposed to feel like, I would give the world my best fight to keep it this way forever.
"We'll be okay." Evan added as if he could read my mind. I sighed in contentment, wishing that he was right.
We were going to be okay.
- - - -
I could feel my heart accelerating against my chest as I stared at the building in front of me.
The same building I found myself in a year ago, spilling my anxiety medication all over my car in the parking lot. Back then, I barely made it through the door before almost having a full-on panic attack.
I closed my eyes, reminding myself that I had to do this for Maia. She needed me.
A hand on the small of my back brought me back to my senses. There stood my boyfriend, watching me. His blue eyes melted away my fears for a slight second.
"You can do this, Aggs. It will only be for an hour." Evan reassured me, giving me a slight push. "If Frank referred you to it, it is because he knows it will help you."
After telling Evan that night that I needed help, he hasn't stopped doing just that. With my father and uncle's help, I started seeing Frank for therapy.
At first, I was a little reluctant, but having Evan encouraging me along the way, there wasn't any time for me to back out.
The first couple of sessions with Frank were quite hell. If there was something I didn't want to do in this recovery journey was relive the past, but in order to heal, I had to face my monsters, which is why we were standing in front of this building.
Frank thought it would be good for me to interact with other women who have been through multiple miscarriages and dealt with the depression it left them with. I, on the other hand, wasn't so sure I was ready to do such a thing.
One thing was having a one-on-one with a therapist, and an entirely different thing having to share the story with multiple people.
"I don't know."
Evan reached for my hand and turned me to face him.
"Aggs, you are one of the strongest people I have ever known. I know it might be scary right now, but in the end, you'll be glad you got to get what you are feeling off your chest." He said, cupping my cheek. "I believe in you."
My chest tightened as I looked back at the building. I had to do this, not only for Maia or for my relationship with Evan. I had to do this for myself.
Sooner or later, I had to face this part of my life that has been causing a tremendous amount of pain in my life and the best thing for me at the moment was to face it now rather than later because if I kept prolonging it, I would never move on with my life.
"Okay." I breathed, reaching for his hand, still holding my cheek. "I'll do it."
Buck smiled, running his thumb over my bottom lip before kissing me softly. "I promise I'll be back here in an hour."
Nodding, I leaned in for another kiss. "I love you."
With that, I took a deep breath in and headed towards the glass door, ready to let go of whatever feelings I had been holding in all this time in front of a bunch of strangers.
After following the receptionist's directions, I entered the room where the group session was supposed to occur. The smell of strong coffee invaded my nostrils the second I walked in.
Everything looked just how I expected it to be. A sad-looking room with plants that I was sure were fake decorated the corners. In the middle of it, multiple chairs formed a circle with a couple of women of different ages already occupying some of them.
It's only an hour.
I told myself repeatedly. If I could survive 24-hour shifts followed by 12-hour ones at the hospital, an hour of this would be nothing.
Wiping my sweaty hands down my jean jacket, I started to walk towards the circle of chairs before I felt like the air was knocked right out of me the second I noticed the pair of eyes staring at me from across the room.
Feeling my hands starting to shake, I turned around and ran out of the room, ignoring the stares I was getting from the women chatting near the door.
This has just turned into an entirely different nightmare.
My hands fumbled with my phone as I pushed the hospital's front door with my foot, trying to get away from this place as fast as I could.
Before I pressed Evan's name on my phone, I noticed that his Jeep was still parked in the same spot from when we got here.
My legs moved on their own accord, crossing the small street towards the parking lot until I found myself knocking on the driver's side window, making him jump.
"Jesus, Agatha. You want to give me a heart— Woah, what's wrong?" He questioned, getting out of the car.
"She's in there. She's here, Buck." I quivered, feeling myself shaking.
Evan wrapped his arms around me, flushing me against his body. "Aggs, breathe. It's okay. Just breathe."
"I can't—she's in there!"
"Who is in there?"
"Chloe."