Let it hurt
Until it can't hurt
Anymore.
~Unknown
______________
She has been unconscious for twelve hours now, the doctor says she should wake up in at least 48 hours, her body is very tired from what it's going through and it may take some time,
The doctor talked me out of giving her my heart today and instead had me sign papers that say when a donor comes available for me then we can transfer my heart to hers, or when there is no more hope and she needs a heart very badly I'll be there.
I haven't gotten any sleep whatsoever, my hair is a mess from me constantly running my fingers through it, my shirts dried with blood and I'm sure I have dark eye bags from crying and not getting a singular second of sleep, all I've done is talked to the doctor and stayed glued to Vanessa's side.
I've realized that she may have broken up with me because of her heart, and that small possibility creates so much anger...
Why would she do that?
Did she think I wouldn't want her because of her heart, so she chose to leave me first?
Or did she truly not want me?
I don't care about it right now, all I care about is her waking up and me telling her I'm not leaving her side, whether that is as a friend or more, I. will. Not. Leave. Her. Side.
So many things run through my head, the doctor told me the symptoms of heart failure and I began to remember memories that align with the symptoms he told me,
Like how she was always tired even after a short walk, her constant needing to pee at night, her insomnia..though she did sleep with me very well and I take a lot of pride in that, her having shortness of breath from time to time...
It all makes sense and it breaks my heart that she didn't tell me,
Why didn't she tell me? Is the question that constantly runs through my head
In the twelve hours that I have stayed in the hospital, I have annoyed every possible nurse since I keep demanding they do everything to help her and make sure she is not cold and that her IV looks okay, that her pulse looks good, I'm positive they want to strangle me but I don't care...I just want to make sure she's being taken care of.
"I don't know why you didn't tell me about your heart...and it hurts to think that you maybe didn't trust me enough with it, or you thought I would leave you because of it...to be honest, any reason I think of breaks my heart, I spent hours crying...yeah me crying I know, it hurt to know that you would've died and I wouldn't have known, and just so you're aware I will do anything in my power to ensure you stay alive, even if it means I won't be here to see it, I love you too much to let you go, and now that I'm holding your hand again it's not humanly possible for me to move on with my life without you in it" I whisper to her as I hold her hands and put my face in our connected hands where I continue to cry
"They said we had a baby...a little tiny sunshine in your stomach, but your heart couldn't beat for two when it barely could breathe for one, so the baby didn't make it" I cry as I speak
"I wonder if you knew you were pregnant, did you choose not to tell me? And I'm sorry either way, I can't imagine losing a child, I know I can't experience the full pain of it since it wasn't inside of me...but damn it if it doesn't tear me up inside, I'm sorry you lost her or him sunshine, I'll be here to help you in any way you let me" I whisper as I kiss her cheek
"Get rest" I kiss her forehead
"I'll be here when you wake up, I promise" I whisper
I don't get any sleep at all, I just sit and hold her hand and wait, I can't miss it when she wakes up I need to be by her side...I refuse to not be.
"Don't give up" I whisper to her
Don't give up,
don't give up,
don't give up, is what I continue to chant in my head
I move her gown slightly to where I see the moon tattoo on her collarbone and slowly press a kiss to it "I love you okay? And no matter what happens I will never leave you, no matter how much you push I won't leave you...you won't be alone whether you want to or not, I. Will. Be. Here." I whisper into her skin
I ignore the fact I promised to stay away, but now that I know about her heart...there's no way I can walk away.
__________
Time tics by as the next day follows, I answer work calls saying I can't come in today because of an important emergency and then I continue to cry, and scream at nurses and hope she wakes up soon,
I haven't eaten, or slept in a Whole day, the doctor told me to go and eat something and they could call me if she woke up but I refuse to leave her side.
I don't care to do anything when I have Vanessa in front of me
"Good morning sunshine...the sun is really out today, and I hope today you wake up, its been about twenty-four hours and I miss you so much, rest as long as you need...but just remember to wake up because you have someone who loves you with their whole being and is waiting for you," I tell her as I move her hair out of her forehead
She looks less pale today, and better in general, the IV fluids and whatever they gave her are helping, I told them to do whatever was necessary and that I would pay for it all and I meant it.
"Sir you've been by her side for over twenty-four hours...don't you want to go take a nap? Maybe eat something?" A nurse says walking in to check Vanessa's IV
"You worry about Vanessa, not me...I'm not eating or sleeping until she's awake" I say ending the conversation as I look away
"Oh here's her phone it's been ringing for a while, it might be her job or something," the nurse says handing me Vanessa's phone
I nod taking it, I wait til she leaves to check it, I see notifications from her new job, I call them and explain she had an emergency and will be at work when she can.
There are some from Ava and Zara, and I choose to ignore them, something else instead catches my eye in her text messages
It's an unknown number, I click on the messages and my breath gets caught in my throat "has someone threatened you and you didn't tell me?" I whisper to Vanessa
As I scroll through messages I see they get worse, from pictures from both of us and my building to addresses of where she's been.
It's some stalker shit and it makes me wonder why she didn't tell me, why didn't she speak to me about many things? It hurts like shit and makes me furious that she didn't talk to me about important things.
Things I could've helped her with or been there for her.
I stand up with my blood boiling and head spinning and go out into the hallway to call my lawyer to see if there's any way to see who's been threatening and stalking her
(Call with his lawyer)
"So is there anything you can do to find out who is doing this?" I ask
"well we can try tracking the PIN and seeing if that leads to the owner of the phone"
"Okay how would you do that?" I ask as I pace the hospital hallways, but it's still outside Vanessa's room so in case she wakes up I can be here
"well I'll need the device shes receiving these messages on, we can also look at some security cameras to see if she was ever followed or anything, I'll send someone for her device and we will get to the bottom of this, I'll contact you if we find anything"
"Thank you," I say before ending the call and going back into Vanessa's room
(End of call)
"I will find who's doing this and they will pay" I promise Vanessa
About half an hour later my lawyer's assistant stops by and takes her phone and now all I can do is wait and hope they find who's doing this and they can rot in jail.
I'm betting my money on her ex David since he already found out where she lived and she told me there wasn't a way for him to find out since they hadn't talked in so long.
I feel my eyes getting heavy and my body getting exhausted but I'm too stressed, angered and upset to fall asleep, I grab her hand and lay a kiss on it and put it to my face, and just look at her, she's so beautiful that it hurts,
I don't understand how she woke up every morning smiling and trying to make everyone's day better when she was struggling knowing her heart was failing, and worst of all she was going through it all alone, she hated crying in front of me because she didn't want to worry me and I'm guessing that's another reason she didn't tell me, but I want her to tell me everything, I want to be the person that she turns to in anything and I guess she didn't want that, she wanted to go through it all by her self.
She spent so much time caring about others, making sure they were okay, happy and healthy...but who was doing that for her? Seeing the texts she was receiving and the shock of finding out she has heart failure made me realize no one was there for her in a way I would want someone to care for her.
And it hurts because I know I would've been that person for her...I still would, but I can't if she doesn't want me to be, she needs to decide on her own what she wants to tell me.
Did anyone even know about her heart? I don't want to ask henry or anyone in case they don't know and then find out from me...so I'll have to ask when she wakes up,
"I love you sunshine" I whisper placing a kiss on her cheek
I stroke her hair and watch her precious rhythmic breathing, it's something I can't stop paying attention to after almost losing her, it was the scariest moment of my life finding her like that,
It was the second time I had to walk into a room and find someone I love in that kind of position, but by some miracle, I was given a second chance with Vanessa and I will not take that for granted, I won't leave her side and I refuse to let her push me away, if she doesn't want a relationship...fine I won't push her but I will be there for her through every step, I will be with her through to the very end.
That's something I can promise.
_______________
Its been almost forty-eight hours that I haven't slept or eaten anything, I'm a mess and I'm pissing everyone off in this building, I've probably threatened a handful of nurses already to make sure they take proper care of Vanessa as well as ignore any time they tell me to get some rest and shit,
"Sir you need to eat something... it has been almost two days" a nurse walks into the room
I message my temples feeling my headache getting worse, I know its a mixture of hunger, pain, and shock from what's happened in the last two days as well as me crying all the tears I have in me,
My body's slowly giving up on me as I start to sway side to side when I get up to fast, or how I can barely think straight from my headache, nor can I ignore the way my body physically feels weak,
I take a deep breath and decide to just give what all the nurses want and get something to eat so they leave me alone "alright dammit I'll get some food, but you better call me the minute she wakes up, I'll be downstairs" I warn before leaving the room
I walk downstairs where they have a Starbucks as well as a sandwich place,
Sandwiches...
Vanessa's favorite food,
It's stupid how something as random as a sandwich will remind me of her, yet it does,
I order a sandwich and a coffee and eat as fast as I can, after I get done with it I go to the bathroom and when I get out of the bathroom to head to Vanessa's room, a nurse stops me
"She's awake and the nurse just talked to her about everything that's happened...you can go see her now," she says
"She's really emotional right now" the nurse states
Of course, she wakes up the minute I leave the room...
"Like I was going to wait for a nurse to be done talking to her until I saw her" I scoff before quickly making my way to her room
I hear sobs coming from the room and my heart breaks to hear her so broken, I see the nurse give me a sad smile before exiting the room, I walk in and call Vanessa's name gently but she doesn't hear me from how hard she's crying,
I call her name once more but she once again doesn't register I'm here, I grab her hand gently and she looks up with teary eyes and gasps quietly
"Aaron" she whispers, her eyes hold happiness to see me but a certain sadness as well, there's a rush of relief that rushes through her as she looks at our interconnected hands,
I sit down next to her in the bed and hope she doesn't kick me out, I'm grasping onto that tiny shred of hope at her relief in my presence.
----notes----
Early bonus chapter
Things are progressing really fast, sorry its not longer then the chapter before I'm really exhausted.
Also please follow my Instagram: inessasbooks. And My YouTube channel @inessa_akinbooks
;)
Vote and comment!
Word count: 2480