I actually did so much research for last chapter, for the presentation- like a whole ass research project. All those numbers in the last chapter are real, pulled from a scientific report that I used. Loved seeing all y'all young academics in the comment saying "no idea what this is but hot" <3 y'all have my love because I too bullshitted my way through it
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You've never been this anxious about anything in your life.
Levi's coming over. He's coming over.
There's a chant in your head of fuck fuck shit fuck shit and you can't figure out how to stop the damn mantra from being so loud in the front of your skull.
He's coming over, he's fucking coming over and you don't know what's going to happen, what he wants, what's going to happen between the two of you, fuck-
This is awful. No, this is good. This is- fuck.
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," you chant to yourself, checking the time of when you sent your last text. It's been left on read, five minutes ago. It took him fifteen minutes to get here on that stormy night, and that including stopping in the cafeteria to print that form. So maybe... ten minutes?
Oh, god, so- five more minutes until he gets here? Maybe?
Fuck, should you be wearing something different? You'd thrown on a hoodie and sweats as soon as you'd gotten back to be comfortable. No, wearing something different implies that you're expecting something- should you be expecting something?
There's a knock on your door.
Without even stopping to give yourself a second to think, you reach for the doorknob and pull the door open.
It's Levi. Standing in front of your door, breathless, like he'd been running. His mouth opens, then closes, like he can't figure out what to say. He's gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous, and it sucks any words straight out of your system so that you're both speechless.
For a second, the only thing the both of you can do is stare.
"I hate you," Levi says abruptly.
"Great start," you reply immediately.
He stares at you incredulously, like he can't believe you just said that, but in all fairness, you're still stupefied that he's at your door to begin with. One of your hands is braced on the doorknob, holding it so tightly that you wouldn't be surprised if you snap it off.
Levi looks conflicted, like he can't decide what words to use to describe whatever's going on in his head. He rakes his hand through his hair, which you find stupidly attractive, and you chide yourself for thinking so.
"I hate you," Levi repeats lowly, eyes locking onto yours, "because I can't stop thinking about you. I hate you," he says again, and chills erupt down your spine, "because every minute I'm not with you just has me thinking of when I'll see you next, and I- I don't understand it. I don't get it."
Your heart feels like it's going to jump out of your throat. Your legs might give out underneath you. Because somehow, he's putting your feelings into words.
"I hate you because I don't understand you," Levi says, and there's a bit of desperation in his tone as he continues, "but I do, I do understand you, I get that you're a people pleaser but it's only because you care, I get that you care so much about people that you hold yourself back from getting attached so that you don't get hurt while simultaneously doing absolutely everything you can for the people around you, and it makes you independent and selfless and hardworking but I-"
He cuts himself off. You think you've lost the ability to speak.
Levi's still talking. "But what I hate the most is that I- I don't hate you. I don't understand why you're making me feel like this, why you have this hold on me, why you're so- so god damn irresistible."
Irresistible. That's what he'd called you in the closet at Hange's party.
Something in your chest tightens.
Enough of this.
You reach for Levi, your hand going to the back of his neck, and you pull him towards you. When your lips meet his, it's an instant flood of relief. It's an admission, an admission to yourself that yes, you do want this, and that's okay.
All these feelings that you've had, the feelings you don't understand, that you've grappled with for months- Levi's had them too. And it's okay. It's okay to not understand your feelings completely, it's okay to not know, because there's no one better for you to figure it out with than Levi- because he's thinking the same things too.
Levi kisses you hard, projecting all of his confusion and all of his denial onto you, and you match it with your own. All the skepticism, all of the hesitation- you take his and he takes yours.
Finally, you break away. "Shut up," you say, your head empty. "Shut up. Just- just kiss me."
You can see it, see the exact second that the uncertainty fades from Levi's face and he relaxes. Levi's hands rises, and he cups your jaw before he leans in again, kissing you. You're putty in his hands, melting into him as he kisses you harder.
All that emotion, all those feelings- you allow yourself to feel all of them. Instead of locking them away, letting them fill you with doubt, you throw them all out there. You allow yourself to feel dizzy, to feel overwhelmed, to feel all of the passion and frustration you have for Levi. You let it take you over, and finally letting everything go is so exhilarating that you nearly laugh as you kiss him.
He pulls back slightly, and you feel him huff hot air against your lips before he leans in again, smiling against your mouth. God, he's so intoxicating, like a drug that you can't get enough of. You pull on the front of his jacket, needing more, more, more-
Levi walks you backwards into your residence room, and you hear the distant slam of a door as he closes it behind him. You don't care, you don't care about any of it- the only thing you care about is Levi's lips and hands and his chest and-
"My- my room," you force out between kisses, gasping for breath. "My bedroom."
Levi lets go of you, and you nearly tumble over as you spin around to head for your bedroom, grabbing the door handle and tugging it open. Behind you, Levi's stripped himself of his jacket and is following you, almost in a rush.
You've been in your room for all of half a second before Levi's closing the door, then seizing your hip and pulling you in. You grab onto him, hands going to his face so that you can cup his jaw and kiss him hard. Levi's hands slip under your hoodie and his palms go flat against your skin; your spine erupts in goosebumps. Your hoodie's rising up.
Levi grabs the bottom of your hoodie and tugs. "Please," he mutters against your lips. "Please- I need to touch you."
I need to touch you.
You pull back from Levi, lips tingling, and you raise your arms above your head. He whips your sweater over your head, leaving you in just your bra and sweatpants. You don't even have time to be cold; Levi's hands and lips are back over your body, his mouth painting your collarbone and his hands mapping out every detail of your ribs and your back.
You understand the need. The want, the yearning that you and Levi have finally come to terms with- and now that you've accepted it, that desperate desire is rising in full force. You need it too.
"You too," you breathe, grabbing the bottom of Levi's shirt, and he lets go for barely enough time to allow you to pull it over his head and toss it away before he's on you again, this time letting his hands skim over your breasts as he goes back to kissing your neck.
He's toned. He's so fucking toned it's ridiculous, layers of tightly packed muscles that you can feel underneath your fingertips- and it's all yours, it's all right in front of you. You grab onto Levi's shoulders as his lips gravitate back to yours once again, making you melt in his hands as he kisses you hard, one hand on your side and the other pressed at the side of your breast.
God, your heartbeat is so loud and strong that it's vibrating your entire body. You jerk your head back, just for a moment so that you can blurt out, "do it."
Levi pauses. For the first time since you told him to kiss you, he manages to hold himself back. "What?" he says stupidly, hands still on your sides.
"You said you needed to touch me," you murmur. "So touch me."
He stares at you for a moment, like he can't quite believe what you're saying, but you don't want to take a moment. You can't. You don't want to stop and think about this, so you take Levi's jaw in your hands and kiss him.
Just like that, he wakes up, and he listens. One of Levi's hands goes over your ass, and his other hand slips inside your bra, palming your breast. You stumble backwards and he follows until you're both falling onto your bed, with you on your back and Levi scrambling to get over top of you. Levi's crotch brushes against yours and you can feel him, feel how hard he is, and it makes butterflies appear in your stomach.
It's just heat, heat, heat as his bare skin presses against yours. Before you know it, your bra is off and gone and Levi's hands are all over you, his chest pressed against yours, lips on your skin like he can't get enough of it. He's sucked at your collarbone, hard enough to leave a mark, and you love it, you love the feeling.
"Fuck," Levi mutters when you rock your hips up into his, grinding against his erection. "Fuck, you're too much."
Maybe he thinks it's too much, but to you, it's not enough. You need more, more contact, more friction, more heat, just more. You rock your hips up into his again and Levi's hand rises to your breast, squeezing. Your hands can't seem to figure out where they're supposed to be, because you keep mapping out his back, his shoulders, his hips, everything without staying in one place for too long.
One of Levi's hands drops to your hips, going into your sweatpants. You don't even have time to process before Levi's pressing two fingers against your panties, and the gasp tears itself from your throat before you can stop yourself.
You curse to yourself when Levi's fingers start to move, massaging you through your underwear. "Fuck," you whisper to yourself as Levi sucks on your collarbone. "Keep doing that, that's good, that's-"
You hiss through your teeth when Levi's fingers slip below the cloth, and then it's skin to skin. You can feel your slick coating Levi's fingers as he toys with your clit. He stops kissing you just so that he can lean back and use his free hand to help ease your pants and underwear down; you help him out, lifting your hips and kicking your legs to get the rest of your clothing off.
Once your pants are gone, Levi leans back over top of you, kissing you hard as he draws circles with his two fingers. "All good?" he murmurs against your mouth.
"Yeah," you say breathlessly, toes curling into the mattress when he presses down just the slightest bit harder. "Yeah, that's- oh, fuck."
Levi slips his fingers inside you and you bite the inside of your cheek to stop any other obscenities from leaving your mouth. God, you feel overwhelmed in the best way possible. This feeling is so good, so damn good- Levi knows exactly what he's doing, curling his fingers into you like this. Fuck, is he ever good at this- your thighs are trembling and your entire body feels like it's on fire.
His thumb presses down on your clit and you want to moan. Levi kisses up your neck, right below your ear, and he whispers, "come on."
And just like that, the orgasm that you didn't realize was oncoming strikes you. Your eyes roll into the back of your head as your hips arch off the bed, debilitating bliss tearing you open. Levi continues to work his fingers inside of you, coaxing you through your climax, leaving you gasping and sputtering curses as you ride out your high.
When you finally come off your high, your hips drop to the mattress and you let your head fall back, breathing heavily. "Fuck," you pant. You haven't felt like that in ages.
Levi leans back from you just so he can strip himself of his pants and his underwear, but he's back on you before you even get a chance to look at him. He kisses you, his fingers skimming your ribs, and you let yourself relax into Levi's lips, letting your arms hang loosely over Levi's shoulders.
You tip your head away to break the kiss so that you can murmur, "top drawer."
He gets what you mean immediately. Levi rolls off of you, reaching for your nightstand, and you listen as he rummages through and finds what he's looking for. There's a tear as Levi opens the condom, and within a second, he's back on top of you, and you can feel him, feel his cock against the inside of your thigh.
Levi kisses you again, kissing you like he can't get enough of you, and you've never felt more wanted in your life. It's like he can't stand to be away from you, can't stand to not have his hands on you at all times.
"What the hell," you whisper against Levi's mouth, "are you waiting for?"
You can feel him smile against your lips, which makes butterflies appear in your stomach. "Waiting for you to ask," he mutters.
God, you could melt into your bed. "And if I don't?" you tease.
Levi leans forwards slightly. You can feel the tip of him pushing at your entrance and it makes your toes curl. "You will," he murmurs, kissing the side of your neck. "You will."
He's right; you will. "Fine. Fuck me."
He huffs, almost like a laugh. Slowly, achingly slowly, Levi pushes into you.
You're glad he's going slowly, because fuck is he thick. Levi's slow to break you open, gently kissing your collarbone and neck as he fills you up, listening to you hiss through your teeth. Your nails are digging into his back, looking for anything that can ground you as you're torn open, pain mixing with pure bliss.
It hurts, you can't deny that. But Levi's patient, pushing himself until he's all the way in and just holding himself there, letting you adjust and get used to his size. He continues lazily kissing your neck and your cheek, listening to your breathing.
You squeeze your eyes shut, then reopen. "I'm good," you choke out. "Come on."
One of Levi's hands finds yours, and he laces your fingers together, pressing your hand into the mattress. Then, he moves. He pulls himself back, then pushes back in again, and you can hear Levi cursing under his breath as he moves.
You're not much better. This is like nothing you've ever felt before- nothing compares to this, to the way Levi handles you, to the feeling of him inside you, to the way your hands are squeezing each other's so tightly that you think either one of you are prone to breaking fingers.
Then he starts moving a bit faster. Levi picks up his pace, groaning into your ear, and your legs feel like goddamn jelly as he hits that spot inside you that makes everything in you turn to mush. To make matters worse, he hits that spot again and again and again and he's fucking ruining you, tearing you to shreds-
"Fuck, Vee," Levi whispers, breathless, and you don't know how much longer you can handle this. Any and all pain you were feeling has been completely disregarded.
You bite the inside of your cheek hard, feeling the second orgasm of the night coming on, and you force out, "Levi, I'm close, I-"
His hips snap forwards and you go from being close to being there. Your climax hits like a tidal wave, rippling through you, and you can vaguely hear Levi moaning into your ear as he too hits his high. He keeps moving, guiding you through it as he had with your first orgasm and getting himself through his own. Your head is spinning and there's a ringing in your ears, but all you can feel is a warm, relaxing feeling spreading through you.
Levi's breathing hard. He looks like he's close to collapsing on top of you, but he slowly pulls himself out of you and rolls off.
Neither of you say a word. You lay there, staring at the ceiling, both of you out of breath.
Your limbs feel heavy, like you probably couldn't move even if you wanted to. Now that you've got a second to breathe, it unfortunately also means that you have a second to start thinking as well, something that you've neglected ever since Levi walked in the door.
That... that just happened. You fucked Levi. Or he fucked you. Either way, you two fucked.
It almost makes you laugh. If someone had told you back in September that by the end of your fourth year, you'd have had sex with Levi and genuinely enjoyed it, you would've thought they were clinically insane.
But it happened. And you liked it. A lot.
Shit. Pee after sex. "I, uh," you force out, sitting up. You glance at Levi; he's still laying down, eyes on you. "Just- bathroom," you manage.
He nods. His ears are red. "Yeah. Okay."
You bite the inside of your cheek as you nod, gathering one of the sheets from your bed up into your arms and wrapping it around yourself as you stand up. Your legs are shaky as you make your way out of your room, one hand on the wall to keep your balance as you stumble out the door and towards your bathroom.
You practically collapse against the toilet, head spinning. God- that happened. It actually happened. It's all sinking in now.
All those moments. Those kisses you shared that you claimed didn't mean anything, those intimate moments and those nights where you'd bonded with him and learned to trust him. It's all accumulated to this, to Levi showing up at your door and trying to messily describe his feelings. And then it became showing instead of telling.
God. Now what? You've crossed the point of no return. The two of you denied anything after those kisses, the hugs, the handholding and the moments of trust- but this isn't something you can come back from. You don't think you want to come back from this anyways. Shit, now you have to talk, which the two of you had obviously being avoiding doing.
After you're done relieving yourself, you gather your sheet around yourself again and nearly trip over your own feet as you head back to your bedroom. You take a deep breath as you approach the door, pushing it open.
Levi's still there, sitting up. The blanket is pooled around his hips and over his legs. With his chest on full display, you can't help but let your eyes linger on his stomach before you force your gaze to move back to his face.
He's on his phone, but he looks up when you come in. "You're fine?" Levi asks.
Your heart swells, and you scold yourself for getting butterflies over some basic human decency. "Yeah," you confirm, closing the door behind you. You lean back against the doorway, not sure if you should join him in bed. "Just sore."
His lips twitch. "Mhm."
You roll your eyes. "What, looking up how to properly pleasure a woman?" you tease, referencing the phone in his hands.
"You seemed to enjoy it well enough," Levi rebukes immediately, setting his phone on the side table.
You shrug, faking a yawn. "It was mediocre."
"Mediocre," Levi repeats.
"Yeah. Moderate? Tolerable? Satisfactory?" Your lips twitch. "I can use other synonyms, if you prefer."
His eyebrows rise. "Guess I should take my services elsewhere," Levi says dryly.
You grab the doorknob and open up your door, trying to hide the smirk that's rising on your face. "Be my guest," you say pleasantly. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
"Fine," Levi says, calling your bluff. He throws the sheets away, giving you full observation of him before he hunts for his underwear, seemingly unashamed that he's giving you a full, unobstructed view.
You roll your eyes. "You're doing that on purpose."
"Don't know what you're talking about," he calls back without looking up. You roll your eyes yet again as he gathers his clothes up into his arms and walks towards you, wearing nothing but his boxers, keeping his gaze locked on you as he heads for the doorway.
He stops in front of you. It feels like his eyes are piercing your soul.
Then, he moves. Levi actually leaves your bedroom, footsteps echoing against the hardwood as he crosses your hallway.
You groan. Fine, you'll bite. "Wait."
You hear his footsteps stop. Then, they grow louder as he comes back towards you. You wait until he steps back into your bedroom, smirking and looking stupidly smug.
Resisting the urge to scowl, you force out, "you don't have to leave."
His shoulders relax. "Good, because I don't want to," Levi says.
Something in your stomach flutters. You desperately want to kiss him again, but you restrain yourself. The way his eyes are flickering from your eyes to your lips doesn't help.
Levi steps out of the way of the door, and you slowly push it shut. It feels like your heart rate is going faster than when the two of you were fucking- is that possible? "I don't think we can brush this one under the rug," you say quietly, meeting his gaze.
That's what you've done- that's what the two of you are good at. The first kiss? Emotions were high and the two of you were frustrated. The party? You were both drunk. The kiss yesterday, during your final rehearsal for your presentation- was that really only yesterday?- that was just curiosity combined with nerves. That hug after your presentation? Celebration.
But this? There's no good excuse for this. Not that you want there to be one.
Levi breaks eye contact, glaring at the ceiling for a second before looking back to you. "What if I don't want to?" he challenges quietly.
Relief floods your chest. "Good, because I don't want to either," you return.
You can see the way his whole body relaxes. "Thank fuck," Levi mutters, and you can't help but grin. His clothing slips from his arms, falling to the ground as he closes the distance between the two of you. When his lips touch yours, you sigh happily, kissing him back with a smile on your face. You still don't know what happens next, but that's okay- Levi's in this with you. He's with you, holding your face and kissing your lips and making you feel oh so warm.
You allow yourself another moment of bliss before you pull back, still smiling. "Let me put something on," you murmur.
His lips twitch. "You don't have to."
"Perv."
"Have you seen yourself? Of course I am."
Heat rises to your face, and you hide it with a scowl. "Fuck off," you mumble with a roll of your eyes as you brush past him, heading towards your dresser.
Levi's footsteps pad away, and then you hear him fall onto your mattress. With one hand holding up the sheet wrapped around you, you rifle through your drawers for clean underwear and an oversized t-shirt to throw on. You let go of your sheet, letting it drop to the ground and exposing you temporarily so that you can pull your underwear up your legs.
"You're staring, aren't you?" you tease without turning around as you pull on your shirt.
"Can you blame me?" comes Levi's dry response.
You're grinning as you turn around, moving towards your bed. Levi's smirking too as he lifts the blanket so that you can slide in beside him. You lay down next to him, head hitting your pillow with a flop. You're practically shoulder to shoulder.
There's goosebumps on your arms; you rub them to try and ease them away. You're nervous; you wonder if Levi is too.
"Sweeping under the rug," Levi says, breaking the silence. "Is that what you've been referring to this as?"
You shrug. "Yeah, I guess."
"Deep in denial?"
"Sounds about right."
"Mm." You feel Levi shift next to you; his fingertips brush the back of your hand. "Hange and Erwin bullied me into figuring this shit out," he says. "Yesterday, after I came home. They harassed me."
You blink. "Seriously?"
"Yeah."
"Good to know that you wanted to be here. I feel so loved."
You hear him exhale, almost like he's stifling a chuckle. Levi's fingers touch your hand again, then curl around to your palm; his fingers lace with yours. Butterflies are going nuts in your stomach as Levi's hand squeezes yours, his thumb rubbing the back of your hand.
"I did," Levi muses softly. You tip your head to the side to look at him; he's staring at the ceiling. "I did want to be here," he clarifies. "I just..."
"Didn't realize?" you suggest, because that's what it was for you. You've never realized how much you want Levi until you have him- like that time in the closet. You weren't focused on finding an opportunity to make out with him, but as soon as you did, it was like a weight was lifted from your shoulders.
"Denial," he corrects. He sighs. "So god damn deep in denial and just kept fucking digging that hole."
You hum, smiling. "When'd you realize?"
"About twenty four hours ago."
"Yeah, but when'd it all start?"
He's quiet for a moment. Then, "when I kissed you in the rain."
Ah. That kiss. The reason you've been so frustrated and confused for the past month and a half or so.
"I don't just kiss people for no reason," Levi says. He almost sounds like he's talking to himself now instead of you. "So I was confused. Why'd I do it? Why did I want to? The only logical conclusion was that I had feelings for you, but that was..."
"Impossible," you suggest. "Ridiculous. Unheard of."
He hums in agreement. "Exactly. So I began my trip down the fucking road of denial."
You laugh. "Nice."
"You?"
"Me? What about me?"
"When'd you realize?"
Now he's looking at you, those beautiful silver eyes making your insides turn to mush, and you turn your gaze to the ceiling. His thumb skims over the backs of your knuckles.
"Probably yesterday?" you say weakly.
Levi scoffs. "Wow."
"No, I'm serious!" you say, smiling at the ceiling. You still can't look at him. "Okay, maybe I had feelings earlier. I don't know when. But I... I kind of excused it as just longing for physical contact? Like maybe I was just lonely and wanted some sort of physical connection."
"So it wasn't specifically me. Just the feeling."
"Exactly," you confirm. "But..." you trail off, trying to figure out how to put it into words. "But after the party, I couldn't stop thinking about you, and how I didn't want it to be anyone else that was stuck in the closet with me," you murmur. "I chalked that one up to alcohol."
"Excuses."
"Yeah, yeah, fuck off. But I..." you sigh. "When we kissed yesterday, in the library," you say, finally tipping your head sideways again. You meet Levi's eyes. "That's when I realized. I wasn't just missing a connection with some random person. I wanted you."
His eyes are soft, as if to say he gets it. "I'm supposed to hate you," Levi murmurs. "I'm supposed to piss you off just because I can and hate you from a distance. But there's this..." he pauses. "This pull to you. That I can't describe."
Your lips twitch. "What can I say, I'm irresistible."
"Oh, fuck off."
"You say that like it's not the same for me." You sigh softly. "I've hated you for so long that I didn't think it was possible to think of you as kind," you joke quietly.
Levi raises your linked hands up to his lips, and he kisses the backs of your knuckles. Your heart thumps painfully loudly in your chest. "Hange has a theory," he says.
You laugh. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah. Exactly what I said at first." Levi shifts closer to you. "Some theory that love and hate are basically the same thing. Because they both give you adrenaline, and they both make you passionate, and it's hard to know when you've crossed the line."
"Hange knows what they're talking about sometimes," you joke quietly.
"Sometimes," Levi agrees, and he leans in.
His lips meet yours, and once again, you find yourself melting at his touch. This is all still a bit much, with your head still a little bit woozy and this whole situation overwhelming you a bit, but you push it all aside in favor of enjoying this moment, enjoying Levi being with you.
When he pulls back, he murmurs, "do I have to leave?"
"Not yet," you whisper against his lips. "Not yet."
Levi hums, content with that answer, and the two of you relax into each other. You know you can't stay like this forever, as much as you'd like to- so much for you two to talk about, too many questions that you're sure Hange is going to give you- but for now, you'll let yourself enjoy it.
Yeah. You'll enjoy the moment.
You snuggle up with Levi, and without even meaning to, you fall asleep.
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Took long enough. Two more chapters to go!! <3