Eventually, they pulled me away from him. Michonne took me somewhere and ran me a bath. They gave me new clothes because I was soaked in blood. His blood.
They explained to me what happened, but none of it makes sense to me. They stepped out for a moment and then they heard his shouts. Sylvia had managed to hide a knife somewhere and had apparently been able to cut the robe they tied her hands with. Then she'd attacked him. Was it because he outed her lie to Rick? Or because he said he wasn't loyal to Negan? Or was it because of me? Because I knocked her out in the woods?
There's no way of knowing because when they heard Derek shout, they rushed in and took her out. They tried to help him, but the damage was too great. There was nothing they could do. That's when Rosita went to fetch me.
When they finally brought me back to the others, I couldn't tell them. I went straight back to my corner and sat down, staring into space. Rosita told Max and Priya what happened. Nobody told the kids, we don't need them to be more upset than they already are. But of course Carmen and Miguel could see that I was distraught, so they crawled against me in an attempt to comfort me. Priya joined us too and handed me the baby. I hugged her against me and made shushing noises to keep her calm. More for my own sake than hers. The children are the only thing keeping me from completely breaking down.
The Alexandrians treat us nice enough. They brought in toys to keep the kids busy and gave us all dinner. In the evening they bring us pillows and blankets. Very generous, considering we burned all of their mattresses. As night falls, the kids slowly start to calm down and eventually, everybody is sleeping. Everybody except for me and the guard in the corner.
Carmen sleeps in my lap and I stroke her hair absentmindedly while I stare into the dark room. With nothing to distract me, Derek's eyes are the only thing I see before me. Everything that happened keeps going in a loop inside my head. He didn't deserve to die. He didn't need to die. It breaks my heart that he died so pointlessly. Just like his little brother.
My mind is on Negan too. I curse him again and again. What could have happened if he hadn't made me take his stupid deal? I remember the first time Derek and I kissed. I think playing darts with him at that party was the first time I enjoyed myself since the night we tried to raid the outpost. Maybe even since the night we left the camp. If it hadn't been for Negan, maybe we could have started there. We could have had so much time together.
Suddenly, Miguel stirs beside me. Is he having a bad dream? I lay my hand on his shoulder to calm him down, but he opens his eyes and looks at me.
'Were you having a nightmare?' I whisper.
He nods and rubs his eyes.
'Do you want to tell me about it?'
'No', he says, pushing himself into a sitting position. 'Why aren't you sleeping?'
'I can't sleep.'
He turns to look at me and watches me intently. His dark eyes are so much like Alex's. And Maria's.
'It's Derek, isn't it?' he asks me softly. 'Is he dead?'
I run my hand over his head and feel my lip quiver. I bite it to hold back the tears and nod. I can see my own pain reflected in Miguel's eyes. The kids are crazy about Derek. Were crazy about Derek... Miguel lifts my arm and nestles beneath my shoulder to get closer.
'It's okay if you have to cry', he says.
A laugh escapes me at the same moment the tears burst through. What a world we live in, where a 10-year-old knows what to say when you're grieving.
'I feel like all I do is cry these days', I say, kissing him on the top of his head.
'Do you remember what you said to us when mamá died?' he asks me.
'I'm not sure. What do you mean?'
'You said: I know you're very sad right now. And you will be for a while. But in time you'll realize how lucky you were that she was in your life at all. Even if it wasn't for as long as she was supposed to be.'
I let my tears flow as I rest my cheek on Miguel's head.
'I said that?' I ask between my tears 'To a couple of children?'
Miguel sniggers. 'You were right. I still miss her, but... I'm not always sad when I think about her. I think about the good things.'
'I think about the good things too', I say softly. I still miss Maria. And Ava. Sherry and Tina. And everyone else we lost on the way. And my family, my friends, my boyfriend Jason, everyone I'll never see again, whether they're alive or not. Derek's one more face to add to the list. But Miguel is right. Everyone single person I miss, I miss for a reason. They made my life better. Even if it was just for a while.
'You want me to stay awake with you?' Miguel asks.
'No, that's okay, baby.' I look down at him and suddenly realize he's hardly a child anymore. He'll be 11 in not too long. He's growing up. And he's seen so much more than a 10-year-old should have. 'Thank you.'
'We get through together', he says, closing his eyes again.
'We get through together.'
---
When the morning finally breaks and rays of sunlight coming through the windows wake the kids up, I decide distraction is probably a better strategy than crying in the corner. I help Max prepare and hand out the breakfast the Alexandrians provide us with. Then I join in on his games or help Priya with the baby. I've told them both that I don't want to talk about it. For the children's sake. That's not true, because it's for my own sake. They oblige me, but I avoid their worried eyes as much as I can.
Somewhere in the early afternoon, Rick appears in the room. The children fall silent and look at him with scared eyes. They may not understand and know everything that's going on, but they've picked up that Rick is pretty much the boogeyman. My heart sinks a little when he meets my eye. Now what?
'I need to talk to you', he announces.
'What about?'
'I'd rather tell you in private.'
'I'm coming with her', Priya announces determinedly. I look sideways at her and smile. I could use her support. Rick just nods. He looks tired.
'Me too', Max says, joining my side.
'What about the children?' I whisper at him.
'I'll look after them', Miguel says behind me. I turn around and find him standing straight to look bigger. 'We'll be okay.' Carmen stands next to him clutching a stuffed bear. She doesn't seem as confident as her brother.
'I'll be here too', Michonne says. I smile shortly at her. She seems all right. She treated me very nicely after... I don't want to think about it.
'Okay, darling, thank you', I say to Miguel, brushing his cheek. 'We'll be back soon.'
I only catch myself after I say it. I have no idea if we'll be back soon. I look at Rick, but he gives no indication of what's coming. We all follow him to another house. His house, it seems. Several people I've seen before are there. Some new ones. Rick asks us to sit down on the couch and we do, but it feels very uncomfortable with all these people standing around, looking at us suspiciously. Rick sits down on an armchair opposite of us.
'It isn't over. Your people got out. Negan's alive.'
Max shifts a little besides me and I look at Priya to catch her expression. None of us really react. Negan being alive means there's going to be a lot of hell to pay. There will be pain and suffering on both sides. Still, I'm a little relieved. I don't want him to die. But mostly I just want to know if our friends are okay.
'How did they get out?' Priya asks.
Rick shakes his head. 'That's not important right now. We've made contact. I spoke with Negan. He wants to make a trade.'
I look back surprised and find him staring at me. I don't like where this is going.
'He's got one of ours', Rick continues. 'He'll trade him for you.'
I look back at Pri again. She watches me with troubled eyes. I don't want to leave her and Max, Carmen and Miguel and all the other kids behind.
'I don't want to go back to the Sanctuary alone.'
'It's not up to you', Daryl says in a gruff voice. I realize I've never heard him speak at the Sanctuary. I don't think they allowed it.
'What about us?' Max asks. 'The children?'
'You'll stay here', Rick says.
'And what will you do with them?' I ask him with an edge to my voice.
'Nothing', he says, raising his hand in a gesture of benevolence. 'As long as they don't cause us any trouble, we'll keep them safe here. When this is all over, they can go wherever they want.'
'And when will this be over?' Priya asks pointedly. 'When everyone at the Sanctuary is dead? You realize those children have parents in there, don't you? Will you send them on their merry way after you've murdered their mothers and fathers?'
I give her a look and notice the emotion in her eyes. When did she get so outspoken? I feel like the kids have grown up right in front of me and I didn't even notice.
'We're not here to discuss politics with you', Daryl snaps at us. 'This is the deal we made, you're going to do it.'
Once again, I have no control over anything. I feel like I did when I was sitting in Negan's armchair and he told me about everything that would happen if I didn't do what he told me.
'I get it, it's not up to us', I say a little snippily. 'But are you sure this is the smart thing to do? If you ask me, this is some sort of trap, I don't think he'd give up a hostage just for me.'
'Lara's right', Max says. 'The rules of the Sanctuary say if you get yourself into trouble, you get yourself out of it. You don't get help.'
'That's what I said', Tara says. 'We can't trust him.'
'If we've got a chance of getting Gabriel back, we need to take it', Rosita argues against her.
'You really think it's a trap?' Rick asks us. 'You think he's lying?'
I hesitate for a moment. Negan always makes a big thing out of being a man of his word. But would he really risk this for me?
'I just don't see why he would do this. He doesn't gain anything from it.'
'Seems to me he cares about you', Rick says. 'He made it real clear not to hurt you.'
I shift uncomfortably in my seat. I don't need all these people to think that I'm special to Negan.
'He doesn't care about me. Negan doesn't care about anybody.' But even as I say it, I remember what he said to me after that trip to Alexandria. How he looked at me after I told him we were done for good. None of that is very long ago. As Rick observes me, I curse my transparent face once again. He can see my doubt. That's enough for him.
'You're going in a couple of hours. I'll let you spend your time together until then.'
I hear Priya is about to protest besides me, but I grab her hand to stop her. There's no use. She looks at me like she wants to argue but finally slumps against the pillows of the couch.
'Can I just ask you for one thing?' I ask timidly. I squeeze Priya's hand a little tighter because I don't want to break down again. Rick nods, allowing me to speak.
'Will you please bury Derek? Don't just... leave him somewhere. Will you do that?'
Rick switches his gaze to some of the others before he looks back at me.
'We don't bury our enemies inside our walls.'
'Outside the walls then', I beg him. 'I don't care, just... please.'
'Yes', someone says behind me. I recognize the voice and when I look around I see Carl leaning against a window. 'We'll bury him. We can do that.'
His father looks at him and nods slowly. I feel some relief. Derek saved me more than once. I couldn't safe him. At least I could do this for him.
'I'd like to... dig the grave', Max says. He looks at me with tears in his eyes. 'He was my friend.' I smile a shaky smile at him and grab his hand too. Derek won't be alone.
---
In my last hours in Alexandria, I try not to think about when I'll see them all again. The children keep us all occupied and it's time to go before we know it. I hug Max and Priya tightly and whisper how much I love them. Then Carmen and Miguel and I tell them to be strong. Samantha wants to come with me to get back to her mom, but of course she's not allowed and when she starts to cry, the others start too and by the time I leave, the children's cries ring in my ear. We make one more stop before we go. They've wrapped Derek in a sheet but I open it up to take one last look at his face. It doesn't really look like him anymore.
It's Rosita and Daryl that take me to the meet-up point. They've decided to go with as few people as possible, so that if it does turn out to be a trap, they can get away quickly. They tie my hands together again, fortunately on the front of my body this time. I don't intend to try anything, but I don't protest. It's become abundantly clear that I have no control over anything so why try to change something? Daryl and Rosita don't talk to me much on the car ride. I'm glad for it. I rest my head against the window and try not to think about anything.