"Hey sis!" I spun around on my seat, not expecting to hear a voice behind me. It was just Lindy standing in front of the curtain. I panicked for a second, wondering if she had seen me snuggling Lincoln, or caught a glimpse of my pacifier. But there was no risk of that. The bear was sitting on the corner of my desk, like always, and the paci was securely in its box in the drawer. I'd already changed for bed, taking a pull-up into the bathroom with me when I went to brush my teeth. I was still a little embarrassed about it, and didn't want Lindy to see me putting it on if she happened to twitch the curtain aside while I was changing. I had loose shorts over it as well, even though I probably didn't need an extra layer with the weather we'd been having. But sleeping in just a diaper seemed a little too babyish for me right now.
Somehow it was hard to remember that I was still a grown-up really. Pulling SleepSafe pants on, knowing there was a pacifier in reach, and sleeping with a bear; it was easy to imagine I was as young as Lindy, or even younger. I could be half my current age, with half the worries. Mum had got me thinking like that when she came home. She'd called me her little princess when I came in, and asked if I had fun at school. She asked about my lessons, like she had when we were little kids, and I did my best to tell her what we'd learned. I'd been so flustered by a wave of embarrassment that seemed to suppress all rational thought that I'd stuttered and mumbled my way through the vaguest, most confused explanation possible for our maths class. Yet Mum had told me I was so clever, and she was proud of me. The feelings were even more intense than in the morning, and I could see that she was laughing too. The whole night might have carried on like that, if we hadn't been interrupted by Lindy getting home. Her account of how she was feeling had been terse and uninformative, sharing the bare minimum with a parental figure, but Mum had taken it as a sign that I might want to act my age again.
Lindy had still noticed my smile, even when I did my best to act normal. Just like Nadine in the morning, she was sure that something wonderful must have happened, and she wanted a part of it. I couldn't tell her why I was so happy, because I didn't even understand it myself. But I knew that she wouldn't just let it drop, and I'd been half expecting an interrogation for the rest of the evening. Still, my worries about that weren't even close to overcoming the feelings of security, of being cared for, that Mum's condescending voice could easily fill me with. Even now, when Lindy should have been in bed already, my mind was still slightly dulled by whatever this feeling of joy was.
"Hi. Do you need help with something? We should be in bed soon."
"Right. But remember I still got that photo. You have to be nice to me. Mum doesn't know about that, does she?"
"No?" I answered, shaking my head. I wasn't really sure what she was getting at now, but I was sure that with the mention of that photo, it was something I wouldn't like. Although... thinking back to her previous demand, I didn't feel that intimidated and I even found a little chuckle at how easy this had been for me.
"Right. Well you laughed at me enough. You're the baby now. So you need to get changed."
"Huh?"
She held up a pack of pull-ups. One from her room, I assumed, as mine were right where I'd left them.
"I know Mum said you don't need to. You were just trying to make me go along with it, right? Pretending, telling me we're all in this together, and you're laughing at me behind my back. I saw you, with that stupid grin. It was just one time, it doesn't mean anything, you don't need to laugh at me."
"I wasn't laughing," I said. "Not at you. I just... it's not about you, I promise. I just found something that makes me happy, and I don't know why, and I don't even know how to explain it. I'm confused as hell, just feeling good about it."
"Right," she said, and I could tell that she didn't believe me. But what could I say? She wouldn't understand even if I explained. She held up a pack of pull-ups and continued: "Anyway, no more excuses. Put one of these on. I don't care what Mum told you behind my back, you're wearing one until she says we can go back to normal. We're in this together."
"Of course," I said. "We're sisters, Lindy. And I want to make sure you're comfortable." I pulled down the waistband of my shorts, just enough to show her that I was already wearing one.
"You're that scared of this picture getting out?"
"No. Well, yes. Maybe. But that's not the reason. I was horrible when we were all trying to cope with... that, and I should make up for it. If there's anything I can do to help you, I will. Seriously. Plus, have you actually tried one? You said you wouldn't, you don't need them. But when I felt this material, it's so soft, but it's different somehow. Why don't they make regular underwear out of this stuff? I couldn't believe how comfortable it is. Seriously, you should try it."
She just looked confused for a moment. Trying to come to terms with the fact that I didn't doubt what she'd told me, and that she couldn't contradict me without admitting that she'd already been nervous enough to wear them when she denied it. She didn't have a clue where I was coming from, or how to regain the upper hand. I felt kind of powerful; by discarding any pretense of being normal, she didn't know how to manipulate me anymore. And that confused me. In some way I was 'winning', but I didn't like that feeling. I just wanted to snuggle Lincoln and not worry about this stuff anymore. Or to know Lindy was comfortable again, so I could stop feeling guilty.
"Okay, fine!" she said, pouting just a little. It was clear this wasn't going according to plan, but she was going to carry on regardless. "Show me. Let me see you in those pull-ups, so I know it's not a trick."
"Going to take more pictures?" I asked. "You know you got one already, right?" But I pulled at the shorts I was wearing over my diaper, and dropped them down to my ankles.
"Does that help you feel better? Maybe you've been embarrassed, but I'm happy to be there with you. And I'm sure Mum will let you change back to normal soon enough."
"Yeah. I don't need those things. But you do, don't you? You've got to wear pull-ups for bed in case you can't hold it. Because you're a little baby." She stared at me for a couple of seconds, before adding: "Say it."
"I'm a..." I started, but quickly choked. Could I actually say that? I was fighting against my vocal chords, trying to get a sound out of them. It was just too humiliating. But it would make my sister feel better, I was sure, and after everything I'd put her through maybe it was only fair. "I'm... a little baby. A baby who has to wear... pull-ups... for bed."
"Good girl," she smirked, and I found myself blushing again. Was I smiling too? The emotions chasing round my head were so intense, I couldn't even tell if I was enjoying this or not. "But if you're going to treat me like a baby, you got to be one too. Then I know you can't look down on me."
"Lindy, I'd never–"
"Prove it then. Show me you're just a little baby." She paused, grinning like a gloating supervillain who'd just explained the genius of her masterplan. But I still didn't get it. Thankfully, she drew the right conclusion from my lack of grovelling, and explained. "Pee your diaper. Like a little kid. Then you got a secret as big as mine."
I couldn't believe it. That was a crazy thought. I mean, wearing pull-ups was one thing. That was just like playing dress-up really. But deliberately wetting yourself? No matter how weird my dreams had gotten over the last few weeks, that was still gross. That went beyond playing, into something that was just unthinkable. I didn't need to say anything, she would surely know what I was thinking, the thoughts going through my mind. But then I thought again. There were other things to consider. Like how humiliated she had felt, knowing that she wasn't as grown-up as she might have liked. She was demanding the unthinkable, but I hadn't given her the choice. And maybe it wouldn't be as gross as I'd thought.
"Okay," I sighed. "If that's what it'll take to make you comfortable with these things."
"Go on then. Prove it."
"What, right now?"
"Unless you want all your friends to know what a baby you are," she said. Her phone was in her hand again. "I could hit 'send' right now if you're getting cold feet. Do you want that?"
"No! But I can't..."
"Twenty seconds to decide." She smiled when she said that, and I was sure she was loving the feeling of power. "One tap, that's all it takes."
I closed my eyes and tried to focus. I knew that even in this weird situation, I had a point. Two wrongs don't make a right, but this was only fair payback for what I'd done. I just had to pee. I could imagine that I was in the bathroom, that everything was completely normal. And try to overcome my own inhibitions so I could do what she asked. I didn't know if I actually had the nerve to do it, but there was a much bigger problem.
"Lindy, I can't. I only just peed, like ten minutes ago. I'm empty."
She didn't answer, but I could see the uncertainty. She was trying to work out how to stop me from bluffing if the threat of that photo wasn't enough.
"Look, I know how loud the plumbing is in this house. You must have heard the flush. I want to prove that I support you, but you're asking the impossible."
"Okay, fine," she admitted, gingerly lowering the phone as if it was some cowboy's six shooter, reluctant to back away from a standoff. "In the morning, then. Before you get dressed. And don't try to get out of it by getting up before me."
I nodded, thinking about how to get out of this. I knew it wasn't really fair, but I didn't think I could bring myself to do that even if I wanted to. I was sure I wouldn't be able to put it off forever, but there was a chance I could avoid any further embarrassment tonight. I already knew that 'some day' wasn't always inevitable.