"I said okay!" I looked up when I heard Lindy yell. I'd been catching the latest episode of Redux on the big TV in the lounge, while Mum wasn't watching anything today. She'd gone out again after dinner, saying that she needed to pick up a few things from the shops. Her bags were a bit bulky when she came back; I wondered if those were the diapers, which would explain why I hadn't been able to find any earlier. Presumably wherever they'd been during the day hadn't been the right place to buy those.
I knew I was being lazy. I just sprawled on the sofa, watching whatever the TV had picked to show me next. But after the day I'd had, my whole body ached and I felt I deserved a little break. Now quite a few minutes had passed, and I wasn't sure what they might be arguing about. But I figured it would be better to stay here for now, and not intrude on anything that should remain private. It was hard to restrain my curiosity, and several times I stood up, wondered if it was okay to go to my room, and then decided to fix myself a snack or a drink instead. Once I actually considered going to further hone my basketball skills, but a twinge from my legs reminded me why that might be a really bad idea now.
Once I was back in my room there was homework to do, always more than Iexpected, as well as the usual grind of social media and all the messages I had to keep up with. Sometimes it made me wonder if it wouldn't be better to take a break occasionally, and not have to know everything that was going on in the world. My arms were almost as still as my legs, and protested against being asked to type. But I could whip them into shape and get all my work done.
I was tempted to keep snacking, but I knew that wouldn't be a good idea. I wasn't vain or anything, but I needed to stay in shape if I was going to stay on the team. I didn't even think about what guys might be attracted to, or whether my neighbour might notice if I started to gain weight. After food crossed my mind for the fifth time, I knew I needed to find something to take my mind off it. And in a moment of weakness, I thought about the pacifier in my drawer. If I was sucking on something, I couldn't eat. Right? It would be like some hard candy that never dissolved, giving the sensations of snacking without actually containing any calories. I knew it wasn't the best logic in the world, but it worked. Once I was sucking on the thing, it was so much easier to focus on the screen, and not on the pointless demands of my body. Twice I snatched it out of my mouth when I heard a creak that might have been somebody walking quietly on the landing outside. But I knew it was unlikely that Mum or Lindy would come in without asking. I should try to be less paranoid, too.
I still hid it carefully away, in a box at the back of the drawer, when I was ready to stand up again. It was late, but I thought that my overworked muscles would really appreciate a soak in the bath. So I grabbed my pyjamas, a couple of my fluffiest towels, and a bath boat filled with soap, shampoo, and conditioner. It was a perfect opportunity to relax, and I even managed to ignore anything that might have been a conversation between my family. I told myself it was none of my business, and that was something I could believe.
It was when I was crossing the landing back to my room, most of my attention on the towel I was wrapping around my hair, that I became aware of a disturbance in the atmosphere of our peaceful house. Mum was in Lindy's room, I could see her through the door, and standing with one hand on her hip in a sign of frustration.
"Hi Sally. You ready for bed?"
"Yeah," I nodded back. "You seem stressed. Anything I can help with?"
"Just your sister. Doesn't seem to have learned about keeping promises yet."
"Hey, I said I'd wear the thing!" Lindy's voice came out, but I couldn't see her in the room. "You don't need to come check on me. I can do it by myself!"
"But you haven't, have you pumpkin?"
"No, but I don't need to. Stop treating me like a baby!"
"What's up?" I asked, knowing that I shouldn't interfere in an ongoing debate, but unable to stop myself.
"Linda wet the bed last night," Mum said in a matter of fact way. "So I said she should wear–"
"You said you won't tell her!" Lindy screeched, drowning out Mum's voice completely. "You said you wouldn't!"
"I said you can keep it our secret if you're a good girl and take precautions to make sure it doesn't happen again. If I have to force you to wear your pull-ups, I think Sally will wonder what all the noise is about."
"But I don't need them!" Lindy yelled again. "I'm not going to pee myself like a little kid. I'm over that. I promise."
"It's just in case. It's not unusual to need some protection occasionally, and it's better than–"
"So why are you picking on me? It's not fair. Sally wet the bed when she was staying with her friends, Chel said, and you didn't make her wear diapers!"
"Would that make a difference?" I asked, not quite sure why. It kind of felt like the right thing to do. I had a couple of guesses how Lindy would respond, and most of them would reduce the yelling.
"I'm not saying..." she stuttered. "It's just like I don't need it. If you're making me wear one when I didn't have any problem for years until yesterday, you might as well say you got to wear one too."
"If it'd make you feel better," I shrugged. "I teased you a bit last time, didn't I? I'm sorry about that. But if we're on like... the same rules... you know I'm not going to say anything. Like... mutually assured humiliation?"
I tried to look like I was nervous about the idea, and that wasn't too hard. I hadn't even thought about saying something like this, but it made sense at the time. Mum wanted Lindy to wear diapers; Lindy didn't want to, and that was primarily because she was scared I'd joke about it, or that I'd tell her friends or something. So forcing me to wear diapers too would take away Lindy's worries, and help her to feel more comfortable with it. It was a great idea, even if I didn't think about getting exactly what I'd been wanting. But still, it was an embarrassing prospect, and I had no idea if Mum would think I was some kind of freak for suggesting it.
"Does that work for you, Linda?" she asked. "If I tell both of you that you have to wear pull-ups, would you be okay with that? It means your sister can't pick on you about it, so you don't have to worry anymore."
I didn't hear the reply, but I saw Mum slowly nod.
"And can I trust you to put one on this time, and not just tell me you have?"
Another response I didn't quite make out, but now I could understand why there had been so many little eruptions of tension through the day. Agreeing on a compromise could be easy, but it might not have been easy for Lindy to stick with what she had promised.
"Okay then," Mum said. "While you've both had little accidents at one time or another, it looks like if I want to make sure I'm not doing midnight laundry again, I will have to insist that my girls wear protective pyjama pants, at least for the next couple of weeks. Is that okay with both of you?"
I couldn't stop blushing. I was practically shaking, I was so nervous. And that much must have been obvious. But this was everything I'd been hoping for; possibly more, because if it turned out as comfortable as I might have hoped, I wouldn't have to ration my use to avoid Mum wondering about how many she was buying. I was supposed to have them; there would be enough for one every night, if I wanted.
"Y...yes?" I said, and I heard something similar from Lindy, still out of sight.
"Well, let's see what size you need, then," Mum came out of Lindy's room, closing the door behind her, and walked over to me. When she got a little closer, she lowered her voice to add: "Thank you. I hope that she'll stop acting up now. You don't actually have to, of course. But just saying you would..."
"She'll want proof," I said, shaking my head. In that moment, I wasn't even thinking about my weird curiosity about baby things. I was just guessing how my sister would act. "She said she'd wear one, and then she didn't. You caught her lying about it, right? So she'll expect me to do the same. I need to show her that the mature thing is doing what I'm told."
"I guess so." She went back downstairs for a moment, and returned with two packs of diapers in her hands. Large and medium. I'd not been sure if she was going to have Underjams, or some store brand. It even crossed my mind that she might have bought actual diapers, if they came in a large enough size. But these ones were another brand, that I'd seen a lot less advertising for.
"SleepSafe," I read. "Girls' pyjama pants for all night confidence. Well, I guess confidence can only be a good thing, right? See how it feels."
Mum seemed so grateful that I was helping, and I started to feel guilty again. I couldn't tell her that I was the problem here, or that I was doing what I wanted to do. Of course, things would be different if I found out that I didn't like it. A part of me was sure that would be the case, and that my curiosity had just been a brief obsession. But either way, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Lindy could stop wetting herself now, and it wouldn't be long before we were back to normal.
Back in my room, I tried the medium size first. They were a little snug around my waist, but still comfortable, so I guessed I would be okay with either.I put them on the edge of my desk and moved some stuff around, making an attempt to cover them up as if I was embarrassed and didn't want anyone to see. Mum and Lindy knew they were here already, but it was the principle of the thing. It was still embarrassing to want diapers at my age, even just to keep my sister happy; even just to try out how they felt. So keeping them out of sight was only natural. They were just like regular underwear, like boyshorts printed with a pattern of butterflies and rainbows, but when I touched them I could feel the thickness of the pad down the middle. It was slightly stiff too, more so than any other clothes. I couldn't imagine what difference that would make to the comfort when sleeping in them, it wasn't like the cushion I had imagined in my dreams. But still, it was something I wanted to know more about.
"You're not allowed to laugh," Lindy demanded, her head appearing around the curtain between our rooms.
"I'm not going to," I said. "Now if you threw a tantrum and wouldn't do what Mum said, I'd say you're not so smart as I thought. But taking precautions means you got respect."
"You got to wear one too," she said, glaring at me. "I bet you'll just pretend. Trying to trick me into it."
I took a deep breath. This was harder than I had thought. But I stood, turned towards her, and hooked my thumbs into the waistband of my pyjamas. And then I lowered them just enough to show that I had diapers on underneath.
"I feel bad for being a pain last time," I said. "If there's anything I can do to make you more comfortable, I'll do it. And that's not something to joke–"
I stopped suddenly when I heard a click, and realised Lindy had an iPhone in her hands. She'd taken a photo of me in diapers, and I didn't know what she might do with it now. I needed to get that phone, but I knew how much trouble I would be in if I even touched my sister's things. All I could do was wait, and see what she had in mind. Mum would make her delete the photo tomorrow, and I was sure that she wasn't dumb enough to discard possible blackmail material by sending it out to someone right away.
"Now you can't laugh at me," she said. "I bet Harper would love to see this. No cheating now. You got to wear them every night, even if Mum changes her mind. And I don't need them, so there's even more for you."
"You're supposed to wear them though," I said. "Mum said–"
"I don't care, I don't need them. You can tell her I am and she won't try to check again. And don't think about grabbing my phone, that pic is already on the cloud. You need to do what I say now."
I nodded, and I knew she was right. I didn't have any choice here, if I didn't want to lose any respect I'd earned among my friends. My plan had gone off the rails, and my sister could do whatever she wanted now. She could humiliate me or use me as a slave, and for a moment she held all the power. I should have been terrified by the prospect, but somehow I wasn't. I just couldn't wait to find out how it felt to sleep, and that anticipation drowned out all other emotions.
Somehow, I was too excited to worry.