Ace
I watched from afar as she placed a bouquet of red roses on my gravestone. It felt like a stab to the heart. All I wanted to do was tell her that I was right here, that I would never dream of leaving her.
But she couldn't hear me.
It's been two months since I left her. Two months of pure torture.
I saw her break down, unable to do anything. It's better this way, I told myself but I didn't even believe that.
Every day I watched her, barely able to hold herself together. I heard her sobs, I felt her pain. It was absolutely unbearable. I did this to her, thinking I was saving her from misery by leaving for good. I thought she could finally be freed, happier without me. Instead, I caused her more pain than ever.
She came here every day, and my heart longed to be with her.
What hurt the most was seeing her cry. She'd sit on the bench, talk to me as if I was there, telling me about her day and how she's doing. She would place the bouquet there, where she thought I rested and cried.
"It's so hard without Ace. I feel like I'm dying and I can't do anything. I long for the nights so I can go to sleep and dream of you, a place where everything is better..."
I wanted to take her there, away from this.
"Most of the time, I wish that I would never wake up. Other times, I wish this was all a nightmare, that I'd wake up and you'd be next to me. Like how it should be."
I hated this so fucking much. If I wasn't already dead, seeing her this way killed me.
"A world without you is a world not worth living, because you're my world and now you're gone."
I'm right here.
After a while, she looked up to the sky, wiped her tears and reluctantly got up. It took everything in me to stay where I was, away from her. I so desperately wanted to grab her in my arms and hold her close, to shield her from the darkness I shed upon her. I wanted to fix it, fix our broken world. But I couldn't. So I watched her from a distance, and loved her from afar.
"I love you Ace," she whispered to the sky. The pain in her voice stabbed me in the heart.
I love you more, I wanted to say. Remaining stationary, I let her go.
Though it was for the best, everything felt wrong.
Suddenly I was drowning and she's standing at the surface, unable to save me because she couldn't hear my screams.
She couldn't see me. But I could see her. From the dark circles under her eyes, to her tear stained cheeks, smudged mascara, to her sad smile. She needed me. She didn't know it but I'll always be with her. She'll never see me but I'll always be right here. Life will go on and she'll move on. It's better this way.
She will be safe and better off living in a world without me. Living a life where I had no place. She'll learn to be happy again, all without me.
I found it ironic how my whole life I've only dreamed of building that future we always talked about and now, I was choosing to walk away. All this talk about giving her the forever she deserved, but deep down I always knew I wasn't capable of it.
And I already slipped away.
My world was pulled back into darkness, no love. No light. No Harper. And I faded into nothingness, drowning yet still looking at her, it's the only reason I kept going.
Then the foolish part of me hoped that one day, I could make my way back to her. Perhaps I could give her the forever she deserved, like I promised. The memories flashed before me and I felt my heart beat again. Being here, somewhat close to her, I was able to breathe.
As the days went by, she grew happier, I could tell. Smiling to myself with a shake of my head, I reminded myself to stay away. For real this time. Until I'd find a way to fix things.
This isn't where we end my love, I'm going to be right back.
As if by some miracle, it was as though she felt my gaze and looked over her shoulder. With that, I was gone.
I didn't let myself linger there any longer, as much as I wanted to. She would probably kill me herself. Not that I minded.
I leaned against my car, taking out a cigarette and lit it up, placing it between my lips and taking in a drag. A temporary escape from the new reality that I created. It killed me slowly and if I didn't get myself killed first, the pain, the heartache, and the longing would end me.
She got into her car, the pink one she's always dreamed of and sat with her thoughts for a few moments. If I listened closely, I could hear her sobs, calling me to save her. To hold her like I wanted.
But I made no move to help her, trapped by invisible hands dragging me back into a world void of her. "I'm sorry Harper." I whispered, hoping that was enough.
I knew what I signed up for when I agreed with Oscar's plan, I knew how that would effect her and how I wouldn't fucking like it but this, this was pure torture. She was falling apart and I was the one who did the breaking.
I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't handle any of this. Still, I got in my car and drove away from the only person I wanted to go back to.
If things were different, if I was different, this would all be some sick nightmare. But I was the demon of her past and every day, I woke up to a nightmare. And every day, she woke up in a world without me.
This wasn't how I imagined our lives to be. When we were kids, we dreamed of a future where it was her and I, running a bakery/bookshop. She'd spend her day baking away while I poured my heart out onto blank canvases, creating life.
Turns out, that never happened. Once again, I destroyed our world and she was the one that got away.
I glanced over to the passenger seat, dumbly thinking she'd be there. This was my life now and I had to live with it. I didn't want to.
My vision blurred, I swear a tear ran down my face.
I felt like I was dying. My chest tightened, my heart ached. My hands shook. Without her, I was nothing. There's a wound in my heart, a deep wound. I bled out and slowly, I wilted away like the roses she left on my gravestone.
I pulled up to Oscar's house and parked the car then sat there for a few moments, to gather my thoughts. A storm brewed in my mind. The clouds drew in, crowding my thoughts. And as if on cue, heavy rainfall poured down out there, while I was stuck in my own world, without her.
I can't do this.
I felt tears stream down my cheeks, my breathing became ragged. I felt her arms circle around me, her voice whispered sweet nothings in my ear while she held me as I cried. Suddenly invisible hands dragged me away from her.
None of this felt right, I should go back there, find her and finally be home again. But there I was, in my car, crying like a fucking idiot.
"Harper," I mumbled, fighting back a sob. Anger quickly replaced the ache in my chest and I completely gave up. "Fuck!" I yelled, tasting the bitterness of rage consuming me.
My father, his enemies, they were the reason Harper and I would never get our happy ending. They were the reason I had to hurt her, in order to keep her safe. They were the reason she spent her nights crying, wishing she wouldn't wake up, like I've been doing. They were the reason I couldn't hold her and take it all away.
If I couldn't have her, then I was going to tear their world apart, piece by piece. Fuck that, I'd burn it down.
Then, sorrow replaced the anger and all I wanted to do was go home. I watched the rain as it fell down, thinking back to all the times we've been together, kissing or dancing in the rain.
Before I knew it, the past caught up to me and I was gone.
My hands were on her waist, she smiled up at me, with her hands resting on my shoulders. We were cold, shivering yet somehow we couldn't feel it. The atmosphere around us was filled with warmth and a sense of home. That infinite moment of forever. She threw her head back and laughed as I twirled her around.
It all seemed so distant, ethereal. Like a dream I never wanted to wake up from. But I woke up and I was in my car. I've never felt so alone.
The weather synced with my emotions, the storm raged on. She wouldn't want to see me this way.
The sound of her voice flowed through my ears like music, soothing the ache in my chest. I took in a few deep breaths and exhaled shakily. My shoulders trembled, and like the rain, my tears continued to fall.
These past months living without her were absolute hell. I couldn't keep this up anymore. Especially knowing that she's hurting while I was still right here, it destroyed me.
I could easily find my way back. And suddenly, I was at home again. There she was, the love of my life, sitting on the couch with a book in hand. Completely oblivious to my presence.
Then, my world flipped back upside down and her cries sent knives to my heart. I was standing, watching as she broke down, fell apart before me. She was crying, for me. Grieving while I stood there, unable to take it away.
A loud crack of thunder sounded around me, the rainfall grew heavier, snapping me out of my thoughts.
I was sitting in my car, and she was at home, hurt and alone. And I couldn't hold her, I couldn't kiss her. This was all my fault. I wished she knew that I never wanted any of this to happen. My father's enemies ruined my plans and the forever I promised wasn't going to fucking happen.
It's funny how things turned out. I just got her back and I had to lose her all over again.
The night I broke her heart burned a hole in my heart, memory after memory came back and I was the idiot watching her walk away. When all I wanted to do was hold her, shield her from the mess I created.
But that wasn't possible, so I had to settle for what I deserved. I had to love her from a distance, unable to ever see her again.
This wasn't the life I wanted. She was my life and I couldn't be with her. I was lifeless.
Numb.
Nothing.
Somebody. Somebody that she used to know. A stranger to her, who she loved dearly. She still loved me. I was sure of it.
But overtime, as life would go on, the world stayed in rotation. I'll be right here and she'll be over there. She'll stop loving me. Eventually, I'll become nothing more than a memory.
I breathed in a shaky breath. "Breathe. In and out, Ace," her voice echoed around me. Even though everything fucking hurt, oddly enough, I felt somewhat a little better. I was able to breathe without feeling like I was drowning.
For a few moments, I sat with the darkness that kept me company, with the memories and feelings surrounding me. I guess I wasn't completely alone, I just wasn't home.
A knock on the window made me look over. Frowning, I realized it was Oscar. I unlocked the car and he got in the passenger seat—the one that belonged to her. I remained silent, waiting for him to speak.
I wasn't embarrassed to be seen in this state. I needed it, to simply let everything go.
I buried my face in my hands as my shoulders began trembling. Tears slipped out of my eyes, pooling around me. Before I knew it, I was drowning in a sea of my own tears, falling into emptiness. The darkness welcomed me.
She was the light in my life. Now, there was none at all. She was the sun to my flowers. They wilted away, fading to nothing as the storm destroyed each one. The sun was nowhere to be found.
He placed his arm on my shoulder and I flinched, shoving his hand away from me. "Don't touch me," I seethed.
Inside, I was just lost. Without her, unable to go home, I didn't know what the point of anything was anymore.
"I'm sorry," he sounded genuinely sorry, when he shouldn't be. This was our deal, he's helped me in more ways than I could ever count. He helped check up on her because I couldn't.
"How long have you been standing out there?" I asked.
"A while."
I shot him a glare, "Wasn't necessary."
"It'll be over soon." A flicker of hope ignited in me, only to die down again, "The storm. You can tell me why you look like hell while we wait."
"I don't need to fucking explain myself,"
He let out a sigh, "She's getting better, Ace."
"I know."
Deep down I knew, there was no going back. This was it. I did this to myself. I dug my grave and I was going to lay in it, knowing I'd never see her again. It would be stupid to go back to her, and put her in danger like I've always done.
I couldn't do that to her, she deserved better. Besides, if she saw me again, I didn't think she'd be happy. But I didn't care if she hated me, so as long as she was happy, that's all that mattered. I was going to do everything I could to make that possible. I just wouldn't get to be a part of it.
"Send for a bouquet of pink roses. To her place," I said.
I heard she moved back to her house. The memories were too much, I understood that. Though it hurt, I dealt with it. It was easier for me to keep an eye on her.
All the memories we made together at the apartment were long gone, lost in time. We were never going to get them back. I didn't think she wanted them anyway. She was better off without me. As I liked to tell myself, I didn't think it was actually true though.
I meant everything to her. The times she reminded me came back. And I chased after the memories, the ghosts. If I couldn't be with her, that's all I could do, settle for the past.
Now we were strangers once more, living two different lives, in two different worlds, away from each other. But we were the same, falling hopelessly to pieces. Unable to fix our precious little world.
"I know you love her, but you can't keep doing this."
"Then what do I do?" I said, ashamed by the vulnerability laced in my tone as my voice cracked.
"I think you should go see her. In person. Go back to her."
My chest fluttered with a sense of hope. "It's too soon though, isn't it?"
"You could wait a few more months, give her time to heal. She'll understand."
"I don't think she will. She'll hate me."
"Guess there's only one way to find out, right?"
My lips twitched into the smallest of smiles, even through the tears, "Right."
Despite feeling better knowing that I could be with her again, the doubts crowded in. Thunder erupted as the rainfall continued, I felt my heart sink in my chest. If I walked back into her life, where would we stand?
I was one hundred percent sure she'd hate me. I hurt her constantly, she ought to have enough. She's put up with me for years on and off, it's only a matter of time before she's completely done with my bullshit.
I've put her through hell and back, killed the light inside of her. Broke her kind heart and there I was, wanting another chance. She's given me chances after chances, and yet, I messed up each time. I promised myself I'd be worthy of her one day, I promised I'd be better, just for her. For us and once again, I couldn't keep my word. She would never trust me again.
After everything I've done, this should be the thing to throw her over the edge. This was only the beginning of all the things I'd do to her. If we were together...
I didn't think it would end well.
Regardless, I didn't give a shit. I loved her and I was going to win her back. Hopefully for real this time. I liked to think of this as a test. A simple obstacle. Only it wasn't as simple. It's fucking killing me inside.
All I needed was five minutes with her, just five minutes. I needed to see her, to be in her arms, engulfed in her embrace. Hell, I'd give anything for one minute.
Instead, five minutes later, Oscar and I walked into his house. The place I've been staying these past few months.
It took everything in me to not go home, where I felt safe, where she was. This would have to do for now.
It felt as thought she was a thousand miles away. The days went by and the distance increased, she was slipping away. All while I was still right here and she was over there.
Walking further inside, my shoulders relaxed and I let myself let go. I took off my jacket and found my way downstairs to the basement, to the guest bedroom.
I was tired.
My heart cracked, my chest ached. My body felt numb, my head hurt. Everything fucking hurt. It was all too familiar. But even though I was tired, I couldn't go to sleep. She haunted my dreams, memories resurfaced. It destroyed me.
I couldn't close my eyes without seeing her in the darkness. The longing in my heart grew stronger.
In the darkness, she guided me. She stayed with me even though I was gone and I couldn't go to sleep because the past awaited me. The last time I slept peacefully, without nightmares and ghosts haunting me, was exactly three and a half months prior to this excuse of a day. Nothing felt the same. Days went on but I was stuck in time.
I couldn't accept this. It all happened so fast, so suddenly, I began forgetting it wasn't a nightmare, it was my reality. Sometimes, I thought if I closed my eyes long enough and opened them, I'd wake up to her by my side. That never happened.
I opened my eyes and I was completely alone. Letting out a deep breath, I went over to the desk and retrieved my paint supplies. Painting never failed to calm me. It was a passion of mine and I'd like to think I was good at it.
Pouring my heart out onto a blank canvas, creating life, a story, a statement. It helped me cope with everything happening around me.
I set up my easel and paints. I could turn the simple colours on the pallet into something complex and beautiful. I was the creator of what would happen next, the story hidden within the canvas.
I put on my headphones, letting the music take me away. The world around me went quiet, everything faded away. I saw her and I wasn't alone anymore.
Fourth of July by Sufjan Stevens played in the background. I could never truly escape. Even music reminded me of her.
I picked up a paintbrush and got to work, starting off with small strokes of blue, not exactly sure what I was painting.
I simply let the music, and her, guide me. The paint brush brushed against the canvas to the rhythm of my love for her.
I was gone but never forgotten. There were enough memories for the both of us to keep alive. In the stars, our story remained. Soon, she'd be in my arms again.
I continued with a dazzling shade of light red, blurring the blue in contrast. Thoughts of her filled my mind, kept me company and I realized I was smiling.
I was brought back to the past, falling into darkness that so graciously caught me.
Her laugh filled the air, I couldn't help but smile. She was taking me somewhere, driving my car. Wordlessly, I watched her, listening to her rambling which was music to my ears.
"...You're going to love it."
"Will you tell me now?" With a shake of her head, she smiled."You're driving my car."
"I'm taking you on a date," she shot back, emphasizing on that part.
Deep down, I couldn't contain the excitement growing inside of me. She was taking me on a fucking date.
"Almost there," she mumbled. Her attention was focused on the road, while I stared at her, unable to look away.
There was something about the way she made me feel that just felt... good. Perfect. The idea of feeling anything scared me. But for her, I'd risk everything. She was everything to me.
I knew it was only a matter of time before the darkness embedded in me dragged her down. So for the time being, before things would start falling apart, I was going to take advantage of this and feel everything.
What I didn't know was that I just realized I had fallen in love with her all over again and I didn't know a single thing about it. And when she pulled up downtown, to the skating rink, the smile on my face beamed twice as bright. All my doubts faded away and I let go.
I knew there was no going back.
I fell.
And every time, she was there to catch me. But now she's falling with only the darkness to catch her, not me.
I needed to set this right before it was too late.
I had the world on my shoulders, her on my mind and a bleeding heart somehow still beating perfectly fine.
Time was ticking, it always ends.