"Hello?" I pull my suitcases through the front door, dropping my keys as I fumble to close it. As I bend over to pick them up a wave of dizziness hits. "Kelsey? Cole?" I realize that there are no lights and no noises. I drop everything on the floor and head for the kitchen. I know I need to eat but I don't want to. My stomach persists and I dig in the fridge for something to eat.
I finally flick on a light in the dim kitchen and my eyes dart to a white piece of paper that sits on the table. Is it from Hunter?
'Andi, I took Josh home to visit mom and dad. Hunter forgot Cole's ball and Keni wouldn't leave until I wrote to you and promised her you would get it to him. See you next week if all goes well. Sooner if not. -Love, Kelsey'
So that explains it. I trek into the livingroom, red rubber ball in hand. Another wave of dizziness hits and I catch my breath. Something is wrong, very wrong. I can't put my finger on it. After I force myself to eat I drag my suitcase upstairs and begin to unpack.
6 weeks. I almost fall over as I realize what I have been missing. I haven't had my period in 6 weeks, since before I went on the road. It was finally getting back to normal after the pregnancy and surgery. I never started the birth control, I was going to when I got back but I don't think I need to now. No. I stare at myself in the mirror over the dresser at the far side of the room. I don't know anything yet. I reassure myself with empty words. 'It was just one time, it can't be. It's after effects from this whole ordeal. It's stress. Yeah that's it.'
I want to scream, I want to cry. I want to know right now if it is what I think it is. I also don't know if I can handle the truth.
.....
The free clinic bursts with people. I lay back and close my eyes, listening to the sounds the countless patients make. Crying infants, people talking in hushed tones, the wails of pain. I really hope no one recognizes me although they didn't when I was in the other day. 15 minutes later I am walking out with my results, too afraid to look. I knew from the moment I doubted myself in my room last week that I couldn't go back to the same doctor, I couldn't face him again.
Pulling into the driveway my courage is almost strong enough to tear open the envelope containing the read outs to my test, then I see Kelsey's car. I pull into the garage and without thinking I rip the paper open.
'Positive'
I must stare at the word for 10 minutes, I know what this means. I could die. The chances of both me and the baby surviving are practically zero. Strangely I feel calm. I close my eyes and leave my mind to wander into the future.
Hunter opens the front door, calls out. He's home! A little boy with my eyes and curly brown hair runs into his arms, Cole barks and joins them. A women with bright blond curls sees him as she comes around the corner, holding a little girl. Hunter can live without me, be happy without me. I am going to do anything in my power to make sure this baby lives.
"Andi?" I tear my eyes open and see Kelsey standing in front of the car. I shove the envelope and results into my purse and exit the car. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just a hard day." I shoot her a smile, hiding my pain. My time with her is limited, every moment more precious. The results showed I am around 7 weeks along, if I manage to carry this baby full term it means I have only 7 months left.
"I missed you! And we are happy you are home." Her bright face shines as we walk into the house.
"I missed you guys too!" I scoop Kennedy up and hug her tight as she greets me.
"I have dinner almost ready. Then we have some things to discuss."
I raise my eyebrows at her, she means mom and dad. We don't 'discuss' anything else. "And how are grandma and grandpa?" I direct my question at Kennedy but I continue to look at my sister.
"Good, dey weawy wike mine new daddy!"
"I'm so happy! Well, let me get washed up and then you can tell me all about it." I hurry upstairs and into the office. Before I can change my mind I shred the whole of the test results, envelope and all. No one can know, not even Kelsey.
"Andi! No work! Time to eat!" Kelsey scolds, she must have heard the shredder going.
"Coming!" No second looks, no hesitation, I leave my worries and troubles and join my sister and niece. I don't have time to think about my problems. I can do that when I'm dead.
"So, how are mom and dad?" I managed to wait until after we ate, something about Kelsey's actions and tone tonight make me feel like she has something important to say.
The look she gives me shows a tired girl, far beyond the age of 21. "I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to spit it out... Dad's dying. It's cancer, stage 4. They say he's lucky if he makes it 6 months.
I throw my hand out to steady myself, it hits the counter hard and I am aware of the dull ache ringing in my ears from the pain in my fingers. "So are you moving up the wedding?"
"No." Her eyes grow hard. I'm betting they tried to talk her into it. "We have everything set for next August, after what he's done to me... to you... if he wants to be there he's going to have to fight for it." I see a shadow of doubt cross her face and I can tell this is hard for her. After all, she was always his favorite.
"Kels... I..." My voice drops off. 10 months will be at least 3 months too late for me. I won't be there.
"What?"
Suddenly I can't hold the tears back. I want to see my little sister walk down the aisle, I want to see Kennedy grow up and do wonderful things. I want to hear every song Hunter ever writes, every song that I would have written. I remind myself that I will leave someone behind who can do all of those things, someone who is untouched by my pride and selfishness. The conflicting sides are too much.
The glass I was drying slips from my hand and crashes to the floor, shattering into a million pieces at my feet. A shard sticks in my foot as I shift in surprise but I don't feel the pain, just a sharp twinge.
"Andi!" Kelsey exclaims, then she turns, "Keni, stay in there baby!" She calls to her daughter who's appeared in the doorway.
Slowly, carefully we clean up the mess and I retreat to the bathroom to bandage the still bleeding cut in my foot.
"They want to see you." I look up at my sister, who's followed me upstairs.
"Why?"
"I don't know... just... let them have one more chance."
I let out a breath and look back at my foot.
"Andi... just do it before it's too late."
With that she leaves me alone. I ball up the gauze I didn't use and toss it away. It's been a long day and an eventful night and it's taking it's toll. I'm ready for bed.
Before I turn off the light I do what I have done for the last 3 months. I whisper "goodnight Hunter, sweet dreams.... where ever you are." Tonight a single tear courses down my cheek and lands on the pillow with the softest of sounds. It comes to me, I have 7 months to live. Hunter can't know about this until the end. I am going to die with Hunter thinking I hate him, that I never really cared. A breath of air shutters out of me and I close my eyes. I plunge into sleep with his name on my lips, the name of the only boy I ever loved.
.....
Another notebook full. It's taken 2 weeks to figure out what I can do. Maybe I die without seeing Hunter again but he will always have these words. Countless songs written, my mind has been turning them out faster than I can write them down. Death is amazing for motivation. I count the months, his tour will be over 2 weeks before my due date. He won't come home and I won't go to him... well maybe that's not true. My fingers gloss over the tickets for his show later this week in New Orleans. I can see him even if he can't see me.
"We are going to see your dad." I whisper to my stomach, which still doesn't show. I am being super careful, taking all of the medications, doing all of the classes, eating all of the foods. My brain overflows with research because when I am not writing I am reading.
"You ready to go yet?" Kelsey pokes her head into my office, it serves as a music room too but I spend more time at the desk than at the instruments as of late.
"Almost." I smile. Getting away for a while will take pressure off of me, it's hard to keep something this big from her. And in a few months I won't be able to see her anymore, not without her finding out.
"You'd better hurry, I still can't believe you are driving!"
"I needed the time off." The lie slides off of my tongue easily. I can't get on a plane, not pregnant. I am starting to get sick, not just morning sick, all of the time sick. Flying would kill me!
An hour later I hit the road. I need to focus on driving but my thoughts hold tight to Hunter. In just 3 days I will see him, hear his voice, see him doing what he loves. "We are going to see your dad." I say out loud as I turn on the radio and drive on.
It's nearly 10 in the evening when I pull into the familiar driveway. I am completely spent from the 8 hour drive even though I took an hour for lunch and breaks for needed bathroom breaks. I turn off the engine and pull my purse over my head. I unload my suitcase and wheel it to the door. I knock and stand straight. The door opens and I force a smile on my face. "Hi mom."