I didn't think about being a baby, or about being treated like one. Any time I noticed my thoughts drifting in that direction, I pushed them back onto normal things. I even tried to imagine myself spending time with a boyfriend, proving that I was an adult. It was all too easy; the only parts I couldn't imagine were the words that might get me into that situation. Not that I wanted him to be my boyfriend. Not seriously. He was just the first person who came to mind, fit and smart. I wouldn't get caught staring at him, even if we were in the same French class. He was just a friend who happened to look good with his shirt off.
I was ecstatic when I saw the league score sheet at the end of the week. We were matched up against Lychester Common next, and I was sure there would be no contest there. One good match and we could be one step from the top of the league; the best we had ever done.
I did my homework well enough to avoid trouble, chatted with my friends, and worked out. When it was quiet, I found a few minutes to pull out the basketball hidden under my bed and took a few shots at the hoop in the neighbours' back garden. There wasn't as much space as the one at the front, but there was less chance of being seen by anyone who might laugh at my lack of skill. I managed to get it in once, but even that was more down to luck. Soon, I told myself, I would get the hang of controlling a larger ball. At least well enough that I could keep it out of the flower beds. But for now I had to practise in secret.
One day after school I was sitting in a little café with Nadine. Her parents wouldn't be home yet, and she didn't like sitting in an empty house, so Mum didn't mind me keeping her company for twenty minutes. I might have invited her round to our house, but by the time we got back there it would be time for her to be heading home.
"I saw Jim," she said. If I hadn't known before, I was sure now that something was wrong. I didn't quite trust Maggie and Harper's assessment of the situation, but it was clear all wasn't sunshine and rainbows in Internet dating land.
"What's wrong?"
"He's just... he thinks I'm a little kid. The pictures we shared before, I never sent my face. Don't want it out there online if stuff doesn't work out, you know? Without a face pic it could be anybody, it made me braver. Then when he saw me for real..."
"Jerk. Want to talk about it?"
"No, it's... it's not him. He was nice about it, says I'm an interesting girl and he still wants to be friends. We got things we can talk about, I laughed at his jokes, we had a great time. You know? And I like him, every minute he's there, I feel like I'm alive. It's amazing."
I wanted to say "trust your instincts" or something; but she should know that already. Nadine was older than me, even if she had a baby face, and she was certainly more mature. She didn't need platitudes. She just wanted somebody who could listen, and could understand.
"I just don't know," she continued. "I told myself that once we get to know each other something might click. Like it would just be natural, I don't know. But I'm probably kidding myself there. But he's sad, you know? He's lonely now. He had a kid, a few years younger than us, and something bad happened. Not easy to talk about, but..."
"Does that mean he's got a wife too?" I couldn't help asking.
"No. They broke up soon after, and his friends thought he was gloomy. So he joins this dating site, right? Thinks it's time for a new girlfriend, new friends, start over. Probably not a good reason, but no dumber than me. And then we meet, and I'm more like a substitute for the daughter, not the wife. He treats me like a kid. And like, he's really nice about it. Treating me, being fun, and all that stuff. But he'll never see me as..."
"As the heroine in one of your romance books?"
"Yeah. But books are unrealistic anyway, right? I enjoy being with him, and I can see him coming out of his shell. Who cares what anybody else says I should want?"
"Yeah," I saw her smile, and responded in kind. There was happiness there, I could see that. "If it works for you and makes you happy, then you keep doing it. Think about how he makes you feel, even if it's not what you expected. Happy is happy."
She nodded and we sipped our milkshakes. I could see she was thinking about something, but Iwaited for her to decide if she wanted to say it.
"I like him," she said. "Thanks. I've been like... I can't tell anybody about this, because I don't think they'd understand. Like, we had a great time, and he gave me a teddy. Won from one of the sideshow games at the fair, right? But I tell somebody that, they think I'm being weird. Like, that's a little kid thing, not a boyfriend thing. So I have to keep my joy to myself. You really think it's okay?"
"I think you're smiling more than I've seen in a week, so that's got to be a good thing. I'm not going to judge you for what you enjoy. Trust me, there's worse things to have in your mind."
"Thanks. You're the best friend I could ask for."
"So, you've done fun things that you can't share because it's not conventional?"
"Yeah. I mean... he called me a baby when he found out. You know? Like I said I'm just a little kid and he can't date me. And then he got me a teddy and I said don't treat me like a baby. And damn... it sounds like something I should be mad over, right? But it's just like teasing, like a running joke somehow. Every time I complain that he's treating me like a child, he doubles down. And if you said some guy was doing that, I know I'd leap to your defence. But it's not him laughing at me, it's us laughing at the world. So absurd that it could only be just a joke. Like he gives me things like this, and like what am I supposed to do with it? But I laughed, because I knew why he picked it. It wouldn't make sense to anybody else, I can't show anybody, but it's still a present."
I looked down at what she was holding. A little gift box, not super cheap but not too serious either. And then I watched as she opened it to show me... a pacifier. I looked up to see her response before I allowed myself to laugh, and then we were both in fits of giggles. It was just such a weird thing to have.
"It's like..." Nadine started, and then had to catch her breath after another wave of laughter. "I've not got any use for one of those, right? I can't ever let somebody else see it. Remembering when I first opened it, and that disbelief, it's a great memory. But what do I do with it?"
I couldn't answer that. And I couldn't say anything else, because if the conversation went on much longer I didn't trust myself to stop thinking about whether a pacifier was more or less embarrassing than a diaper. I did mention the babypunk trend, and how some C-list celeb had been seen with a pacifier clipped to her dress at an awards ceremony, but I really couldn't answer her question. I could understand that this guy was making her happy, even if I didn't get why, and I was glad to see her smile. I was happy for her, and I guess that was what she really needed then.
Somehow, the laughter turned into a dare. I told her that if she'd been given something by the guy she liked, she should use it. Suck the pacifier, and think about him. She said she'd never be able to do that, nobody could do that without dying of shame. I didn't even think of the words "I would", they just came tumbling out of my mouth without any provocation. And if you know us two, you know that those words can't be taken back. You can only ever escalate, no matter how silly the situation. And that's how I ended up sitting in a cheap café, when some out our school friends might still have been in the area, with a pacifier in my mouth. Just to prove a point, not because I wanted to.
Nadine laughed, and I knew she would be less self-conscious now. That was the point. It didn't matter that it was a pacifier, or that it was childish. Just that you could do what seemed like a good idea at the time and not care what anybody else thought. If anyone had seen, they would have assumed we were just doing something dumb for the hell of it; taking a metaphor too far or something. And there was no shame in that, not to anyone who really cared about us.
"I got to head home now," Nadine said with a grin. As cheerful as I'd ever seen her. "You keep the pacifier, though. It suits you."
"It was your present," I said, wondering where this was coming from. I mean, sure, the thing was more comfortable in my mouth than I'd ever thought it could be, but was she saying I was a baby now? I was caught off balance for a moment.
"Yeah, but I won't be able to forget the look on your face when you tried it. I'm regifting it, passing it on to a baby friend. And I'll tell Jim it gave me an extra laugh."
"I'm not a baby," I answered, sure that she'd said those words more than a few time in the last few weeks. I was less sure about whether the words were right; or if I'd somehow manage to enjoy someone treating me like a baby again.
"Sure you are. I mean, who had diapers in her shopping basket in the drugstore last week?"
"Hey!" I protested, but I couldn't say more in case my expression gave away more than I hoped about the conflicting emotions surging around my mind. I wasn't a baby, I was sure about that. So why did I keep dreaming about being one? I didn't trust myself not to giggle and blush if that conversation went on much longer.
Damn it. I'd promised myself I wouldn't think about those things again. But any mention of babyish stuff seemed to set my mind spinning lately; and I would latch onto little details that might otherwise have passed me by. Still, something Nadine had said put the last piece into a mental puzzle I'd been assembling. Presents were the key, and how they were special. But not in any obvious, direct way.
On the way home I walked slowly, eyes fixed on my phone all the way. And it didn't take too long to find something suitable. A simple accessory, but one that would be useful in some unexpected ways.
I got home and found Lindy at the kitchen table, pouting after some pointless argument with Mum, or with her teachers. She was staring as if she was really angry with the pepper grinder; wishing for something to take her anger out on.
"Can you get your sister to cheer up?" Mum asked, and I shrugged.
"You wanted one of these?" I asked her, and unfastened the fitness band from my wrist. I tossed it down on the table in front of my sister, and she picked it up. But I could only make out suspicion in her eyes. "So you can check the time and see what messages people are sending you, right? When you can't have your phone close by."
"Yeah," she nodded cautiously.
"Yeah," Mum added. "I'm not replacing another phone because of paint damage. But we can't afford a fancy watch, either."
"I've got my birthday money," I answered. "I ordered an SVX-3, the newer model. It's better at tracking calories burned for sports that aren't just a step count. So Lindy can have that one."
More suspicious observation; from two sides this time. But there was no way they would have guessed why I was really interested in getting the latest and greatest smart watch. I mean, what I'd said was true, and I was sure it would tell me whether I was really working out. But there was another reason that I'd decided to order it today, if all the stuff I'd read was right. Nadine had given me just the right clue, without even realising it. And Lindy wasn't going to turn down an offer like that, whether she understood what I was thinking or not. She snatched up the watch and ran to her room. I treated Mum to a shrug, with no further explanation, before I went to my own room.
The first thing I thought, as I hid the pacifier in a drawer where Lindy would never find it, was whether I was really prepared to go this far, to follow a crazy desire that I didn't even understand. And much to my surprise, the only answer I could come up with was 'yes'. I was going to find out how it felt to be a baby. Just to satisfy my curiosity, but I had to know. No matter how much it cost me.
The plan was in motion, and this time I knew it had to work.