December 12th 1:11 a.m.
Gotham
Bruce Wayne's Manor
I got lost, but I eventually found his room. At least I thought it was his room. It was clean and everything was put precisely into place. Then I saw the band posters and I knew it was his. It was a lot more personal than his apartment. The blue walls filled with sticky notes and car magazines on his desk screamed Dick Grayson. The little things he had on the shelves and a calendar covered in his scratchy handwriting was the epitome of everything I knew about him. Organized chaos.
I picked up a picture frame and studied it. He was with Barbara. Must've been prom. He was wearing a tux, and she was in a long black dress. His arm was wrapped around her, and he looked like a normal kid enjoying his prom.
I put the frame upside down so I wouldn't have to be watched by them.
I downed the rest of the scotch in my glass and sat on his bed. It was way softer than the mattress he had at the apartment, but I preferred the other one.
I laid back and desperately tried to stay awake. I don't know why; I asked to come up here to sleep.
I guess I just didn't want to wake up and be reminded that all of this was going to disappear tomorrow. I finally got the one person I never thought would be mine, only to be forced to leave his life all together. But that's what I wanted, it's the grave we dug for ourselves.
Leaving Gotham had to happen, I wasn't fucking stupid. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it fucking hurt. It hurt when I had to imagine 2 years from now. I would pretend that this never happened. That I never met Dick or fell for him. And he'd do the same. That thought hurt the worst.
I fought off every heavy blink and yawn until I had my body wrapped up in his sheets, holding his pillow for dear life as I fell asleep.
It was raining. The drops fell to the earth, but I was dry. Even with the onslaught of water coming down.
There was only grey fog around me. Nothing else.
"Claire!"
A shadowy figure was charging towards me with their hand reached out. Then the thunder came. It echoed until the ground beneath me shook.
"Help me!"
I watched them, but I couldn't do anything. I was stuck in my spot, just like I always was.
They were only a dozen feet away now, but their face was still covered in the fog.
The ground shook again but this time, I felt it rip open. I felt every grain of dirt and blade of grass tear away as the ground swallowed them whole.
I pulled and pushed against whatever force was holding me. I screamed and cried out until I was close to moving from my spot. But a hand slammed down onto my arm. There was no one there, but I still felt the small electric shocks from their fingertips as they dug into my skin.
They were stronger than me, but I was angrier.
I cursed when I ripped my arm away, and I flung myself to the smoking fissure in the dirt.
I don't know how I knew but something deep in my chest ached for him. And before I knew it the name was falling off my lips."Lenny!" I screamed.
"Claire!"
"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" I cried as my voice echoed back out to me.
"It's not who you think it is! You don't know the whole story yet!"
"I don't know how to get you out!"
"There is no way out! You don't understand!"
"I do Len!" I let out a sob as I dropped to my knees. "I understand now. How the hell do I get you out? Just tell me. Please. I have to get you out. Dick and I will get you out!" I was hyperventilating and choking on my own tears as I stared into the abyss before me.
It took me a second to notice the water.
I looked up. The raindrops mixed with my tears as they fell down my face. The rain was finally soaking into my clothes. The fog began to lift, but the storm was far from gone. It was just starting.
Then the thunder shook the earth again and I fell forward. The sky intensified into one single bright light cutting through everything else. I free fell into the crater as the bolt of lightning slammed into me.
"-igma. Hey, I'm back," Dick whispered. I blinked the tears away and rolled over onto my back.
"What happened? Are you okay?" The sleep in my voice hid the shakiness.
"I'm fine baby. We got him."
"The Joker's gone?"
"He's in Arkham."
"What time is it?"
"Almost 6."
"Oh."
"I just wanted to tell you I was back. Do you want to go back to sleep?"
I reached over to pull the string on the lamp. He was on the edge of the bed and his eyes were covered in black paint. I wiped my eyes and yawned.
"Don't you want to go back home?"
I almost shuddered when his hand landed on my leg.
"Is that okay with you?"
"Of course, we can go," I tried to wipe the paint from his face, and he leaned into my palm.
"It took so long."
"You were only gone for 4 hours," I half-heatedly laughed.
"It was awkward," Dick sighed and pulled me up with him.
"Why?" I threw my arms over his shoulders, and he put his nose against mine. God he was such a softy.
"We can talk about it on the drive home."
Dick pulled me into his side with his arm over my shoulder as we walked through the halls. We passed an open door and Bruce was hunched over a table. He glanced our way and gave Dick a nod, then his eyes fell onto me.
Nothing but pure disgust.
When we got back to the apartment I immediately got into bed, and he took a shower at my own request.
He came out with a towel around his hips, and I groaned as I pulled the pillow over my face.
"Sorry," He said as he shut the light off. "I didn't know you were so serious about your sleep." He laughed as he found the closet in the dark.
"That's not it," I said. He turned the light on so I could see him again and he was smiling. My eyes immediately went to his v-line, and I cursed myself for giving him any ammunition to use against me
He pulled the towel off. "I had to deal with you in my bed, rubbing up on me for the past two nights. It was torture, you know."
"I did not rub up on you!" I scoffed and rolled over. His towel landed on me and he laughed as he left the room. He came back dressed and with his camels and my lighter.
"I got you something."
I raised my brow at him.
"A present?"
"Here."
He pulled a joint out and I perked up.
"You got me weed?"
"Is it really that surprising?"
"I never thought you'd be the one to buy me drugs," I admitted.
He held the lighter up and lit the end of my joint. He did the same with his cigarette and his eyes were basically glued onto me.
"What?"
"How was it at the manor?"
"It wasn't terrible. Alfred was nice."
"What did you guys talk about?"
"Books mostly. And you."
"Yeah, I figured."
I stayed quiet and stared down at the joint in my hand.
"Are you mad at me for what I did to Dom?" He propped himself up to look at me better as the question ripped through our coziness.
"Why would you think that?"
"Dick, you know why. We haven't even talked about it yet. Are you at least, disappointed in me? I took away the one thing you were waiting on."
"I'm disappointed that I didn't do it myself but I'm not mad. I let him shoot me after hurting you and the people we care about. It felt like shit because I knew it's on me. I can't blame you for a single thing cause every mistake is on me."
Exactly what Alfred said. He always blamed himself.
"You could've had Dom and Jacob the night of the Gala and I ruined it. I dragged this on just as much as you. But you're going to finish it."
He shook his head and sat up to pull me closer to him.
"I hate thinking about them but I can't get a single thing about that family out of my head. My life will always be tied to them. I think a part of me never left Haly's."
The circus. His family's circus. The one he never talked about.
"The past 9 years I've dreamed about this. Dom and Tony. I've imagined how I would do it, the relief I'd feel. Then I saw him face to face, and it was like all of that went out the window."
"I'm sorry."
"Please don't apologize to me," he turned his head toward the window and I sunk into the bed as I stared at his clenched jaw. "I can't even remember when I started going out with my parents for performances. All I know is, I was small. It wasn't just Mary and John Grayson headlining anymore. It was me too. The Flying Grayson's." The small lift of his lips almost killed me. "Haly's circus decided to come to Gotham for a few shows, and we stayed at the fair grounds on the Southside. It was Maroni's territory back then and Dom sent Tony to get protection money from Mr. Haly. He didn't pay it, so my parents were collateral. Zucco messed with the ropes for the trapeze, and they snapped during the act. And I had to watch it all."
The air around us had grown heavy, it was filled with grief. Immense grief that I could feel radiating off him.
"Bruce was there that night. He saw everything and adopted me the next fucking day. I found out what happened 4 months ago when Zucco came back. I haven't told anyone, except for Donna and you. It's not something I like to go back to, but it's all I seem to do now that I started going after them. It was supposed to help but it just made me angrier. It's been years but it still dictates everything in my life. What am I without them? I left Gotham three years ago for that exact reason. To get away from my parents and my past. But I came back. I always come back," his voice had grown hoarse and he wasn't looking me in the eye anymore. I would have given my life to take away the tears that he wouldn't let me see.
"Look at me," I got closer and intertwined our hands. His eyes were glossed but only a single tear streamed down his face. "Grief doesn't have an expiration date. You don't need to explain or blame yourself."
"I hate him Claire. I fucking hate Zucco. All I want to do is..." He stopped, tears and all. I didn't need to hear it to know what he was going to say.
"Then hate him, but don't let the Maroni's get into your head and make you feel as if your loss is all you are. You're not what people take from you." My thumb ran across his cheekbone and I wiped his tear. "Your so much more than that."
"I'm everything I've done because of them. I'm Bruce. It's all my fault."
I pulled his head into my chest and his hair tangled between my fingers.
"Dick, you're not Bruce. You'll never be Bruce."
I could feel him tense up, but I didn't let go.
"Can I tell you something Lenny told me?"
His breathing slowed and he finally relaxed. "One time Len asked me if I had ever imagined my life differently. If I could make a couple different choices, would I do it knowing it could change everything? I told him obviously I would, and then I ranted about what my ideal life would've been. We talked about the future, and everything I'd accomplish. Everything I planned on before my parents died. He told me it sounded nice, then he told me it was all bullshit. I wouldn't be so protective of myself, so I would've gotten hurt or gotten my heart broken. I wouldn't have been so stubborn and I would've done things I didn't want too when it mattered most. I wouldn't be me without my mistakes. You make your mistakes and you grow but you can't ever go back. That's life. Simple and unconventional."
"Did he get that from a book?" Dick whispered into my chest, and I bit my laugh back.
"Lenny didn't like reading."
"You do though. Are you sure your not quoting some book?"
"Would it be lame if I told you I actually had a recommendation for you."
"Yes."
"A Grief Observed by C.S Lewis. It's good."
Dick groaned and lifted his head to look me in the eyes. I almost lost my breath when I saw how beautiful he still was even with red eyes and an annoyed scowl.
"Don't judge it before you read it."
"I-."
"Promise me. When I leave you'll try new things. Cooking and reading. Just being human."
His thumb went under my jaw as he laughed at my words. I couldn't help the smile he put on my face.
His blissful laughter left, and a feeling I don't think I've ever experienced took ahold of me. It all but wrapped around my neck and choked me out of my own vulnerability. It left me defenseless and scared. But it was worth it. Just to lay here. Just to be with him.
The silence had never been so loud.
"Claire."
"What?"
"Tell me something I can come back too when I need you here."
"Rain and whiskey misery loves company a splash of bourbon or an entire bottle sipping, swimming, sailing through goodbyes at midnight." - Ze Strange