When Hope left me, time stilled. I didn't move. I stood there, staring at the front door with my heart beating at what seemed like a million miles an hour.
She was going to come back to me. There was no way she could leave me. She said she wouldn't. She said she loved me, didn't she?
Adamant, I stood there, my mind searching fruitlessly for reasons why she wouldn't possibly leave me. I convinced my heart that It didn't need to hurt yet because she was going to show up. But as time continued to pass almost audibly, I realized two things; I was wrong and Hope was gone.
She was gone.
And I let her go. I fucking let her go.
There was a relentless beating of my blood around my body. My lungs burned and I wanted to scream. I let her go because she asked me to. Because she said if I cared about her, I would.
I did. She was precious to me. I cared about her. No, I more than cared, it was more than just caring. My heart slammed against my ribs and I sucked in a breath. I loved her.
I was in love with Hope Sterling. I loved her. Pressure pushed down my chest. I loved her and I'd hurt her and I was unable to see anything except the obscene red marks that marred her fragile skin.
I ran back into my room. Adrenaline spiked and my heart crashed against my ribs as I dug my phone out and tried her number but it went straight to voice mail.
Shit.
I needed to get to her but not like this.
I put in a call to Brad.
I hadn't gotten any sleep that night. The next morning, I hopped into the shower.
My bath was quick. Or slow. I couldn't tell, I was too busy thinking of ways to win Hope back.
I couldn't lose her this way, I was going to make her forgive me. I was going to throw myself at the mercy if I had to. I was going to tell her everything I felt.
With this thought in mind, I tossed on some clothes after showering and grabbed my keys before walking out of the house. That was when Brad's car pulled up in front of me.
He hurried out. "I got your call, what the fuck happened between you two? Why'd she leave?"
"Can we not talk about it." I edged towards his car but he clasped my shoulder to stop me from walking further.
"Killian..." He got in front of me and gave me a weighted look. "What did you do?"
I fucked up.
I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment. "I hurt her badly and I can't explain the details but just know I hurt her."
"Okay," he exhaled. "Is it anything serious enough to get you sued? I'm your attorney, I need to know these things."
I tried to swallow but my throat was dry. Fuck. Could she really sue me for this?
"Well," Brad asked impatiently, waiting for my response.
"I don't know, I don't know, maybe domestic violence."
His eyes widened and he took a step away from me like I had spat on his face. "You what?!" He exploded. "What the fuck is wrong with you Killian!"
I forked my hair and whooshed out a breath. "I'm screwed, I know."
"Of course you are!" He snapped, waving his hands in the air like it was obvious. "Since when the fuck did you become a sadist. God, you're a fool, she's fucking pregnant!" He spat.
I accepted, I was a fool.
"I felt so much pain, Brad. I thought I was in control but I wasn't."
He exhaled and rubbed a hand over his face as he shook his head. "I'm so pissed at you right now," he breathed, pacing around. "You need to fix this. Where is she now?"
"I tracked her phone, she's in her mum's place."
"Okay, we need to go there right now."
I nodded. "I'll get my car."
"No, I'll drive. You're in no state to do so. Get in."
Throughout the drive, Brad explained the legal actions needed to me but I couldn't give two shits about anything that left his mouth. I just wanted to see Hope and tell her how I felt so she'd come back to me.
By the time we pulled up at her house, I didn't wait for Brad. "Stay in the car!" I yelled and sprinted towards the house. My heart squeezed with anticipation as I knocked on the red door. When no one answered, I knocked again, and again, and again and it wasn't until I was prepared to yank the damned door off its hinges that it opened and I found myself staring at Hope's mother.
Shit. My heart was thundering against my chest. "Mrs. Sterling. I-" I didn't see the slap coming, but I felt it. Her hand landed against the side of my face with enough force to turn my head and make me stagger back a step.
"You have the gall coming here to my home after all you've made my daughter pass through." She spat, her tone dripping ice.
I held my aching cheek. I deserved it.
"Mrs. Sterling, I'm sorry for what I did to your daughter and I deserve everything you do to me but please, let me speak-"
"Say what you want here and leave because my daughter doesn't want to see you." She cut in a steely voice, standing up to me despite the gigantic gap in vitality.
"I promise you, I can explain, just let me -"
"You should leave, my daughter was good to you and you broke her heart. What do you have to say?"
I flinched. "Please I just need-"
"What's all the commotion about. Hope is finally trying to get some sleep after crying all ni-" Scott's eyes hardened when he reached the door and saw me. "What the fuck are you doing here?" He glowered, tucking his mother behind him.
"Honey, please handle this and get this man to leave." She said and walked away.
"Look, Scott." I sighed, hating the fact that I had to get through him. "I just want to speak with Hope."
"She doesn't want to see you. Get the fuck out of here."
"Last time I checked, I don't answer to you, just let me see her."
"You know, you have some nerves coming here after hurting my sister's feelings."
Feelings?
She didn't tell them.
"You're lucky." He took a threatening step toward me. "As much as I want to punch you in the fucking face, I promised my sister I won't."
"Just let me talk to her then."
"No. Leave."
"I'm not leaving until I speak to Hope." I persisted, giving him the look that said I wasn't going to be easily deterred.
"Get out, Killian." He shoved my shoulders hard. "I don't want to have to kick your pretty boy ass out here on the street."
"Kick my ass all you want but I'm staying right here until you let me see Hope." I drawled, shoving him back a solid two feet.
He caught himself before stumbling and advanced again. "You want to fight me?" He flexed his arm, curling it into a fist like he was ready to hit me. "You really wanna fucking fight me?"
"You can cut the fucking superhero act and let me see Hope."
His eyes darkened with spite and his fist clenched until they turned white. He was going to hit me but sure enough, I didn't move.
He swung his fist and it came down on my face. It stung so bad that my head ached. I wanted more. "That all you got?" I chuckled but there was no humor in it. "You still hit like my dead fucking grandma."
He balled his fists again. "Don't fucking test me."
"Come on boy, where's the rage you've been holding in since the day I fucked your girlfriend on my desk."
"You son of a fucker!" He lunged at me and we collided. "Fuck you!" He bunched up my shirt and held me in place as he punched me and I edged him on because I needed this. I needed to feel pain, if I did, what I felt in my heart would hurt less.
My nose clogged as blood streamed through and stained my shirt. I inhaled deeply through my mouth. "Stop acting like this is for your sister." I spat at his feet. "You're still pained because your precious goldie preferred my bed to yours and dumped you before the ink on our contract paper dried!"
"Shut up or I'll fucking kill you!" He roared, landing me another heart-stopping punch.
"I dare you pansy-ass pussy." I drawled breathlessly, knowing what I said would cost me another black eye.
"I'll kill you, Killian." He gritted with a feral growl as he tightened his hold on my shirt and choked me to the point I begged for breath. "I swear I'll do it!" He roared, squeezing his bloody fists and I shut my eyes, waiting for the hit that would be my undoing but it never came because the front door suddenly unlocked and when my eyes fluttered open, Hope was there.
"Scott, that's enough."
Suddenly regaining strength, I planted my hand on his chest and shoved him off me. I could barely see clearly because my eyes were going blind with blood but I knew she was standing there, looking pasty. "Hope...I've been trying to call you but you haven't been answering."
"That's because she doesn't want to talk to you, take the hint, idiot." Scott snarled, tucking her practically behind him.
"Stay out of this. This is between me and my wife."
She didn't look at me. "Scott, please leave us alone for a moment."
"I'm not doing that. He needs to leave."
"Scott." She held his arm and caressed it softly. "Please, let me handle this."
He was defiant but he agreed. "If you need me, just call my name." He said and sent me a deadly look before storming back into the house and shutting the door.
My chest heaved as I forced in a breath. I could tell I looked like shit but I felt much worse inside because, right now, the woman I loved was looking at me with so much hurt and disdain.
I took a step forward but she moved back like my touch burned. It probably did. It hurt me but I kept my distance. "You didn't tell them what happened."
"I didn't do it for you so don't think for a second that I forgave you or want to see you. I just don't want trouble."
"Hope, I'm sorry. I mean it."
"If that's all you have to say then you can leave."
"Actually, I have more to say." Fuck what should I say? I'd rehearsed what I wanted to say in my mind on my way here but one look at her and it all went aloof.
If I told her I loved her right now, she wouldn't believe me. Why would she? I've acted like an asshole from the moment we met. If I was the one, I wouldn't believe me either but I had to try because I didn't want to lose her.
"I love you, Hope."
She stared at me like I had said nothing.
"You don't have to lie to me. Please just go home."
I shook my head. "No no, you don't get it. I love you, Hope and I told myself I didn't because I was afraid to lose someone again, but the feeling has gotten too big to deny."
"You don't love me, Killian." She started with a bitterness in her tone that made my chest clench. "You're just a confused man."
Sourness crawled to the pit of my stomach. "I—"
"Leave and don't come back. And the next time I see you around me I'll make sure I get a restraining order." She turned her back and faced the door.
"Hope wait." I reached for her.
"I said don't come close to me!" She pushed me away so hard that I stumbled and fell to my feet but I picked myself back up.
"Don't do this to me. I'll give up everything you want me to. I'll give up my control, I'll bend and adjust for you. Give me a chance."
She shook her head, trying to stop her lips from trembling but I saw it and my gut tightened. "I can't. You've taken everything away from me. My choice in this is the only thing I have left and you're not taking that away from me so if I tell you to leave. Fucking leave."
"Hope...I can't. I can't be without you and I'm not giving up. I'll wait days, weeks, months, I'd do it." My chest felt tight and my heart hammered in my ribs as I stared into her eyes, searching for something, anything but it was like I was staring at a black wall. It was blank. Nothing.
"It's over, Killian. Go home." She pushed the door open, stepped in, and shut it in my face but I stood there, my stomach cramping as I realized that Hope was never coming back to me.
I ruined it.