get ready to cry
playlist song: love is gone (acoustic), SLANDERS and dylan matthew
Fall 2015
The Next Day
I walk down the crowded streets with my hat pulled down over my eyes to try not to be noticed. Multiple arms try to pull at me but I try to stay calm. I look up and see the stadium in the distance. I try to pick up my pace but then someone grabs my shirt. I hear it rip and then cold air hits my skin. I look down and see my tattooed stomach covered in red scratches. I wince and run my hand over them making each and every one sting. I hissed. Then I am pushed onto the ground and multiple people crowd around me. I feel my arms give out and I lay on the cold sidewalk shivering and shaking.
I wake up to the sound of my phone ringing beside me. I gasp and reach around me to try and find Louis, my only sense of comfort in the large bed. I feel nothing and then sit up to see I'm alone in the large room. My phone rings again and I grab it quickly from the bedside table. It's Simon. I sigh and press it to my ear.
"What do you want?" I ask irritated and scared.
"Briana's pregnant," he says calmly.
"Who the hell is Briana?" I ask getting out of bed slowly and walk over to the bathroom.
"He didn't tell you?" he says.
"Who didn't tell me what?" I ask louder, getting more and more angry.
"Briana Jungwirth? Louis didn't say anything?" he asks. I feel my breath hitch.
"Why would Louis tell me anything about this women?" I ask cautiously.
"I really don't want to have to explain this to you Harry," Simon says annoyed.
"We'll it's gonna hurt the same either way," I say feeling tears fill my eyes.
"Louis got Brianna pregnant," I stop breathing. I take my phone off my ear and watch as the seconds go by. I feel tears fall down my face. I grab my phone tightly and then throw it across the room. I hear it smash against the tile wall and then thousands of tiny pieces cover the floor. I sink onto my knees and let out a sob.
"No," I say to myself in between sobs. "No no no no no no no" I say, getting louder. I sob louder and louder with my back pressed against the sink. I slam my fist down into the floor and I feel a sting. I pick up my hand and see a small cut with a piece of glass from my phone in it. I pull it out easily and wince slightly. A line of blood runs down my arm. I sniffle and then I hear a click of the door.
"I'm home Haz," I hear Louis call. I watch as he walks right past the bathroom and into the bedroom. I sob again as I hear him call my name through the small room. I hear his footsteps get closer and closer until I look up and see him looking at me from the doorway.
"Oh babe," he says softly and then walks into the room. He wraps his arms around me tightly but I push him away. I stand up and see him looking at me with hurt in his eyes.
"Don't you dare touch me," I say angrily.
"Harry," he says, getting up and walking over to me. "What's the matter?" he asks, looking at me softly. I feel tears run down my face.
"I can't believe you," I say looking him straight in the eye.
"What did I do?" he asks.
"What did you do Louis?!" I say getting angry. "You slept with another person and got her pregnant! I had to find out from Simon! Simon!" I say, pointing my finger in his face.
"What the hell are you talking about?" he asks confused.
"Well there goes three years if marriage down the drain," I say under my breath walking away from him and into the small bedroom.
"Harry stop," he says following after me. "I would never do anything like that to you and you know it!" he says angrily. I sit down on the bed and glare at the wall as tears stream down my face.
"You could have at least told me," I say quietly.
"I have nothing to tell!" he says loudly.
"Oh really?" I say looking him in the eye. "And why should I believe you?" I ask.
"Do you even trust me?" he asks quietly, looking at me with tears in his eyes.
"Not much anymore," I whisper. I hear him whimper and multiple tears run down his face.
"I need you to," he says sitting down next to me. "When have you ever believed a word that Simon ever said?" he asks. I look away from him.
"I love you," he says. I stand up and walk over to the door.
"I love you too," I say. "But if you don't figure this out you're going to have a kid and not me."
I grab my jacket and slip on my shoes. I turn around and walk out of the room and into the hall. I hear the door click behind me and Louis' muffled sobs through the door. I walk down the hall with tears streaming down my face. Then I reach the elevator and push the button for the bottom floor. I wait in silence until the doors open and the lobby comes into view. I sigh and wipe my tears before walking past the small number of people. I push open the front door and the cool fall air hits my face. I breathe in but my breath catches in my throat. I feel my eyes fill with tears again. I keep my head down and my long curls fall over my eyes.
I hear a few squeals behind me and then I tap on my shoulder. I wipe away the appearing tears before turning around to face two girls with excited looks on their faces.
"Hi Harry!" one of the girls says loudly.
"Hi," I say. I look at the ground. "I'm sorry but I'm really running late for something," I say, trying to make an excuse for why I can't talk with them. I look back up and see one of the girls videotaping me. I sigh.
"Would you like a picture?" I ask, putting on a fake smile and praying that the tears in my eyes dry up.
"Yes!" they both say. They pull out their camera and I smile as wide as I can as they take a selfie.
"Harry Styles!" I hear in the distance and I look to see multiple girls and a man with a camera walking quickly towards me. The girl who had taken the video must have posted it. I bite my lip hard. I try to hold back tears.
"It was nice to meet you," I say to the girls and then after they finally let go of me I try to walk away and into a store but when I turn around more people are crowding around me. People screaming and calling my name fill my ears. I feel my breath quicken as multiple cameras are put into a face. I reach around to grab my phone from my back pocket but I am faced with nothing. I threw my phone. I am stuck in a crowd of fans with no way of contacting anyone. I feel my heartbeat quicken and my eyes burn with tears. I try my hardest to push past the fans but end up just being grabbed and touched.
I feel a few tears run down my face and my breathing gets heavier. I try to calm down for the cameras but without my breath to ground me I am like a statue in a museum. Unable to move. Panic attack, the word races through my head. I have had them many times before but never without the people I need around me. Not without Louis with me. I feel more tears fall and I try to wipe them away but more fall behind them.
"Sorry," I say, trying to push through once more. "I really can't talk today," but my voice is too quiet and is caught up in the screams and yelling of the now large crowd. I crouch down and wrap my arms around myself. I feel everyone crowd around me asking if I'm okay and trying to help me. I sob into my arms and close my eyes tight.
"No no no no no," I say quietly to myself.
A second later I feel myself being lifted from the floor. I thrash slightly trying to get away but then I hear a soothing voice in my ear.
"You're okay Harry," Louis says. "I'm here," I sobbed into his shoulder as he carried me away from the crowd. I hear Paul and Prestens voices trying to stop the fans behind us and Louis carries me back into the hotel. I don't even notice anymore. I don't even notice how much it hurts because he feels so safe. So much like home. But he is the reason I am this broken in the first place. I sob harder and harder with my eyes shut tight until Louis sits down. He rubs my hair soothingly and I lift my head from his shoulder to look at him. His eyes are red and puffy and his shirt is soaked with my tears.
"I can't be here," I say, pulling away from him. He puts both hands on either side of my face and turns me to look at him.
"You're not going anywhere," he says.
"Louis you hurt me," I say looking into his bright blue eyes.
"I know," he says and tears pool in his eyes. I look away.
"I know that you are hurt Harry," he says quietly. "But you have to listen to me," I stare off over his shoulder and out the window. He sighs.
"I married you for many reasons, some I can't even explain because they are so stupid." he laughs sadly and I know that tears are running down his pretty face.
"I cannot imagine how it feels to be you right now but you have to trust me. I would never do anything that isn't loyal to you," I turn to look at him again. "I would never do anything to hurt you," he whispers.
"You are everything," he says, pointing at my chest. "I can't even bear the fact that you could believe I could have done that," I wipe the stream of tears falling down his face and he leans into my touch. I feel more tears of my own.
"When you left I thought of what my life was going to be like without you. I was that scared. Of losing you. I realized that my life is nothing without you. That is the exact reason I would never cheat. Or do anything, anything to hurt you. Because you are my world. And the stars don't compare," I sob and then fall into his chest.
He lifts my head up and presses his forehead to mine with his hands on my cheeks. I sniffle. He leans forward and presses his lips to mine. I feel more tears fall at his soft touch. I kiss him back slowly.
"Are we okay," he whispers. I nod. I hear him smile.
"Okay," I lay back onto him and he holds me and rocks back and forth. A few seconds later he breaks the silence in the small room.
"I haven't been able to feel my legs for fifteen minutes," he whispers in my ear. I laugh sadly and he does the same. I climb off of him and he lays down on the bed. I cuddle into his arms.
"I was so scared," I said softly.
"I know," he says, kissing my hair.
"Why would he do that to me?" I ask.
"Because he is a terrible person," Louis says.
"Why did he choose us?"
"What do you mean?" he asked me.
"Why did he decide to ruin our lives instead of anyone else's?" I whisper feeling selfish for wishing this life on anyone else.
"I don't know," he whispers back with tears in his eyes.
thank you for reading! i love you guys!
-lilah sage