Although I anticipated dropping into unconsciousness when I lay in my bed. I found it hard to fall asleep. This never happened to me before.
I didn't know why. But my mother used to tell me when I was younger and couldn't sleep: "You do not sleep, either because you have run out of dreams, or you know you are going to have a bad one".
Being only ten when she told me this, I didn't quite understand at the time, but I think now I did.
What nightmare did my mind have in stall for me? Or did I run out of dreams?
It was obvious to me that I was slowly losing hope each day. I walked around camp in my silence each day, and I couldn't see myself doing that for the rest of my life, no matter how short it would be.
I knew that one day I would die. I had sure convinced myself I would die from being weak. Bitten by a walker or just falling awkwardly on my knife would do it.
I tried to think of anything that I could dream about. Anything I could anticipate for.
I found nothing... I felt empty.
+
I had fallen asleep that night and didn't dream of anything. Which was expected.
I got dressed into some ripped jeans and a large thin sweater. Trying to tame my bed-head, I was reminded that I would go days without brushing it, and I hadn't seen a mirror in weeks.
I used to be someone who cared so much for her looks, yet now, I hardly thought about it until now.
Shaking my head, I walked out of my tent and looked around to get an idea of what was happening.
Only a few people were up, and they looked to be doing everything with sleep in their walk. I figured I would be doing the same.
I knew Daryl was returning today (hopefully with a rabbit), and I would be the one to break the new to him.
As I walked to the edge of the woods to wait for him, I tried to come up with what I was going to say...
"Hey Daryl, can I talk to you?" - Ah no, too awkward.
"Daryl Merle was left..." - No too sudden
Wait? Why was I doing this like I was about to reveal an incredibly intimate thing with him? Then I did realise I was awkward as I was, so practicing would not help me in any way.
I sit on the floor, staring into the depths of the forest. I found it quite strange that I was just waiting for him, like a puppy at the door.
"Marley?" I heard a voice from behind me, I turned around and it was Lori.
"Can you help me with these clothes please?" she said sweetly. I nodded, leaving my place on the floor to help her hang up some clothes.
As I was hanging up the clothes next to her, gently humming a random tune, from the corner of my eye, I saw Rick approach us.
"Morning Officer," Lori smiles at her husband.
"Hey," he simply says. By this time, I was smiling to myself. I had always wanted to bemarried - the white picket fence deal, have kids and grow old with my husband or wife.
Again with the running out of hope thing. I tuned out as I was thinking about Jimmy Blake again.
I wondered whether he would have proposed to me at any time, or if he had given it any thought.
I knew I shouldn't be thinking about him... Daryl wouldn't like it if he knew I was.
Suddenly a high-pitched scream hit the air, everyone instantly jumping into the woods to find the source of the screams.
To me: they sounded like Carl's and Sophia's. I really wanted to go after them, straight after Lori and Rick.
I made a short sprint to the forest but stopped short right on the outskirts.
My hands turned into fists at my sides. Come on, you can do it.
It would be the first time I would be going out into the woods without his arm to hold. Being out in the open was different, but the forest held shadows and trees people could hide behind... or walkers.
I was angry with myself and I scrunched up my face, before turning away and walking to the middle of the camp. Kicking the dirt in annoyance. I crossed my arms over my chest and turned to look at the forest, waiting.
Soon enough a few women and the children returned with scared looks on their faces. Where were the other?
All the men that entered the forest were still there. I took one step forward... trying... trying to convince myself to go out there. But I came up with nothing.
"Merle!" I heard from a distance. Ah, shit! That was Daryl.
He strutted out of the forest with a string of squirrels on his shoulder, as he set his crossbow down, repeating his words.
I hurriedly walked over to him, but before I could get any words out... just as I got close enough to whisper to him, Shane interrupted.
"Daryl, just slow up a bit. I need to talk to you," he said. I put my hands up as if to say, I can handle this. Daryl noticed this and eyed me.
"'Bout what?" he said, still looking down at me.
"Merle... um?" I mumbled, "there was a bit of a thing that happened in Atlanta."
How fucking stupid! That was the worst!
"He dead?" he said, now directing his speech towards Shane, and pacing away from me. I watched his face, it was just waiting for the worst.
"We're not sure"
"He either is or he ain'" Daryl retorted, jerking his head in annoyance.
"Well, Daryl, it's complicated," I said sadly. He looked to me in disbelief.
"It ain' complicated,"
"No easy way to say this, so I'll just say it." Rick said, approaching us both. Daryl and I were in the middle of the camp, whilst everyone looked at us like animals in a zoo.
"Who are you?" He asked pointedly.
"Rick Grimes,"
"Rick Grimes!" He mocked, "You got something you wanna tell me?"
"You're brother was a danger to us all," Rick said simply. I huffed in annoyance and kept a close eye on Daryl. Watching to see if his muscles twitched in anger or if he reached for a weapon.
"So I handcuffed him onto a roof - hooked him onto a piece of metal. He's still there," Rick finished, staying in his position stiffly.
Daryl turned away from him and lifted a hand to wipe his face. Tears? I had never personally seen a Dixon cry. They sure as hell had seen me cry, that's for sure.
"Hol' on, le' me process this!" Daryl retorted, twirling his finger in a loopy manner, "you're saying you handcuffed ma brother to a roof... and you left him there?!" He was now yelling whilst everyone stayed quiet.
Rick looked away as he said a small, "Yeah."
I quickly put my gaze on Daryl, seeing what he would do. He stepped back, an angry and sour look on his face.
Suddenly he launched his string of squirrels at Rick, although it made me duck too, as I was in close proximity to Daryl.
Rick also ducked and missed them. I put my hands to my mouth when Shane tackled Daryl to the ground when he tried to go for Rick.
Daryl, from his position on the ground, drew out a knife.
"Daryl!" I screeched, he ignored me and started swiping his knife horizontally, hoping to gut Rick.
It all went a bit complicated as Rick and Shane went into full police mode. Rick taking out Daryl's knife and Shane grasping him in a painful choke-hold.
"You bes' le' me go!" he growled. Shane said otherwise.
"Chokehold's illegal!"
"Yeah, well you can file a complaint,"
I stomped over to the three men, angry at all of them.
"This isn't funny," I said angrily, trying to look as intimidating as my small person could be.
The men yet again ignored me, but at least Daryl looked at me as he started breathing heavily under Shane's tight grasp.
"I'd like to have a calm discussion on this topic. You think we can manage that?" Rick interrogated, "You think we can manage that?"
I could see that Daryl couldn't even nod from the position he was in. I knelt beside Rick on my knees, getting dry dirt on my jeggings.
"Let him go," I said calmly to Shane. Shane looked me in the eye, then to his captive, then he shook him from his arms.
I scooted closer to Daryl who was now on the ground and panting heavily. He only took one glance at me, but I worriedly kept my focus on him.
"What I did was not on a whim," Rick assured.
"Like hell-" I started but was cut off by him repeating his words. I scowled at him.
Merle and Daryl weren't mine or even my children, but I did owe my life to them, so I cared deeply for both of them.
"You're brother does not work and play well with others," Rick continued.
"It's not Rick's fault," another voice called, I recognised it as T-Dog and turned my head like everyone else to look at him.
"I had the key, I dropped it."
"Couldn' pick it up!" Daryl accused angrily
"I dropped it down a drain."
Daryl let out and exasperated sigh and crawled up to get on me feet, and I slowly stood up as well, brushing the dirt from my knees.
"S'posed to make me feel better it don'!" Daryl yelled, swinging his arm through the air, throwing dirt to the ground.
"Maybe this will," T-Dog reasoned, "Look I chained the door to the roof so the geeks couldn't get at him, with a padlock,"
I knew what Daryl was going to want to do now.
"It's gotta count fer something," Rick reasoned, once again.
I walked a bit closer.
"The hell with all y'all!" Daryl yelled, and I could tell he was repressing his sobs, but I had never seen a Dixon cry.
"Just tell me where he is, so's I can go get 'im,"
"He'll show you," Lori said from the sidelines, "Isn't that right,"
She had directed it at Rick, so now everyone was looking at him, wondering what she was talking about.
"I'm going back," he confessed.
Daryl walked off, and I hesitated to follow him.
I did follow him.