What does one think of when they are mere seconds away from imminent death?
Do they discover the famous light at the end of the tunnel? Or do pangs of regret fill their hammering hearts, reminding them of all the mistakes they have made? Does the face of a loved one flash before their eyes? Or the panic of the unknown awaiting them on the other side.
I've never been one to think of the end of life. When you are young and filled with ambition, death is something far far down the road. Something looming over the geriatric or the sick instead.
My life has been a regimen of studies, dance practices, vocal lessons and assessments. The pressure of making it through our monthly evaluations have been stressful enough, I've never had the time to worry about freak accidents that would kill me like a bus crash or getting struck by lightning. Or even choosing death.
I've never thought of it as a choice.
And yet, as I sit here while the stylists fiddle with my hair and face, death is all I can think of.
What went through Dalia's mind when she jumped off her private suite, landing on one of the busiest streets in Hongdae. I've wondered repeatedly what millions of people have been asking all over the news and internet for the past few days.
Why?
Dalia, previously known as Eun Young was a legend in our humble hometown. Most people have never heard, much less visited Hadong, a small farming community nestled alongside the Seomjin River in the valley of Jiri Mountain.
Unlike the sprawling metropolis that is Seoul, Hadong is a small town packed with straw roofed hut-like houses, clustered together like mushrooms. The primary business here is agriculture and most of us grew up to take over our parents roles in the industry.
That was until Eun Young snuck out of town with her brother as her legal guardian and took part in an audition at PT Entertainment - a big 3 company and one of the oldest, most prestigious in South Korea.
The most shocking thing was that she passed, beating five thousand other hopefuls.
No one in our town has ever dared to dream of anything besides agriculture and Eun Young broke the mould. When she finally debuted as Dalia, after six years of training, the entire town of Hadong gathered at a local news outlet to watch.
Since then the town has never been the same. Now tourists flock to Hadong like it is the seventh wonder of the world but really all they want is to see the humble beginnings of their beloved idol.
Sometimes I think Dalia's success was the only reason why my parents even allowed me to audition and pursue my very own dream of becoming a Kpop idol.
Although I wasn't fortunate enough to get accepted into any of the Big 3, I still succeeded in getting into Firefly Entertainment, a smaller company which has churned out a few successful idols.
I've spent four long years here and more often than not I thought I was going to be dropped. It is a fear that plagues not only me but all other trainees but now I wonder why Dalia threw it all away by jumping out of that building.
She was always happy even as a child when we used to chase each other around our houses, playing catch or hide and seek. Granted, we lost touch when she made it big but I'd somehow always thought she was happy and content.
How could someone with all that fame and success not be?
My eyebrows pinch together when the stylist tugs at my hair. She brushes it carelessly as she gossips with another stylist, both pretending like I'm not even there. If I were from Firefly's popular boy group Viva, they would never handle me so ruffly.
I bite my lip and swallow down a scathing remark. I can't risk angering anyone right now. Not when the date of my debut has been set but the line up for the group has not. Not knowing if I am one of them has been eating up my insides almost as much as the news of Dalia's death.
"Come on. Come on." My manager walks up to us, clad in a black suit, white shirt and tie. He pushes his hair off his pale face and frowns at me. "Don't put too much on her face. She's supposed to be mourning her friend's death not celebrating it."
The stylists rush to make some final adjustments. They wipe off the ridiculous blush they added to my face and tug my formal black dress so that it covers my knees.
"The dress is so tight. You need to lose weight." One of them snaps at me after being snapped at by my manager.
It sucks being the bottom of the food chain in this scenario but I am so used to swallowing my pride. I have been doing so for four years now.
"Sorry, Unnie. Will start on a diet tomorrow."
The look of satisfaction on her face is the last thing I see as I am whirled out of the dressing room and down the hallways of our company. Keeping up with my manager almost feels like running as we get to an SUV with heavily tinted windows parked outside.
He rushes me inside and gets in after. He starts instructing the driver and I sink into the soft leather as the air conditioning blasts in my face. This is the first time I've been in such a luxurious car, even the smell is surreal.
I am busy examining the interior when my manager chuckles next to me.
"This is great. Just simply amazing." Mr. Oh looks up at me from his phone screen and his smile is malicious. "Your old friendship with Dalia has blown up all over our company's servers. Everyone is curious about you. They wonder if you suffered in your poor hometown just like she did and they want to support you, just like they did her."
"My hometown isn't poor. We're just rural," I justify but he waves me off with a flick of his hand.
"Yeah, that's great. You should have told me earlier that you knew her. Maybe we could have gotten more publicity when she was alive. But I guess this is good enough."
Anger curls around my toes, crawls up my legs and settles in my fists like fire. If he weren't my manager, he would have a black eye by now.
I turn back to the window, ignoring him as he rambles about how good this publicity is for a small company like Firefly. It sickens me how this is all he can think about but his success depends on my group, so I suppose it makes him just as desperate.
Although he could use some tact and a heart, because he clearly doesn't have either.
"You'd better stop with the sulking. You don't realise how lucky you are that this happened. Most girl groups from small companies barely make it two years without disbanding. With this publicity you'd be lucky to last three," Mr. Oh admonishes, looking annoyed with me.
"I will work my hardest to be the best rapper for our company," I state and he rolls his eyes.
"You know if you weren't so famous right now, I would complain about this behaviour to our executives."
This statement shuts me up and turns me into a ball of fear.
Mr. Oh smiles smugly when he notices this and the car stops just in time. "Behave well today. Your groups debut success is currently riding on those tiny shoulders of yours. Now come on. Remember no smiling, I want you to look miserable. Even though you girls lost touch, I want you to act like she was your best friend and her death is killing you with grief right now."
I nod stiffly and he hands me some eye drops.
"Put some of these in your eyes before we walk in front of the reporters," He instructs and my fingers squeeze all my frustration into the tiny plastic bottle.
I put it into my bag and the car door slides open to the main entrance of the Asan Medical Centre. It is only then when I hear a thunder of voices, more like screams of anguish from fans. There is a small barricade separating me from fans and reporters but nothing prepares me for camera flashes as they repeatedly snap my picture or the voices of thousands of people around me.
I hear my name being thrown around and I try my best to look miserable but really all I feel is shock. I'd never experienced so much attention in my life and under these morbid circumstances, it was downright paralysing.
Once inside, I take a second to catch my breath and slow down my pounding heart. There are a select few reporters here taking videos so my manager pats my arm gently to get me to my senses.
"Come on," He urges with uncharacteristic politeness
I nod and follow, ignoring the camera lenses mirroring my movements and the flashing lights at the corners of my vision.
To the eyes of the world I am the pre debut trainee and long lost friend of Dalia's but then a real group of stars enters the building after me and suddenly I am forgotten. The screams from outside are now deafening, a maddening mix of hysteria and grief.
I turn ever so slightly to see TBT, the worldwide sensation boy group that brought Kpop to the global stage, alongside Sweet Poison. Their faces are bare and they look down as they walk up the escalators, behind me.
This is the first time I am seeing them in person and I can't help but feel slightly starstruck.
We walk up together and into the main hall prepared by PT Entertainment for well wishers and fans to say goodbye to their favourite idol.
I never knew what it meant to be a celebrity among celebrities but as I stand in this room I realise really how loved Dalia is. Almost every Kpop idol stands around me, all famous beyond comprehension, all pale faced and miserable as they stare at the coffin at the front of the room.
No one speaks and I try not to look at everyones face but it is really hard to resist when you are surrounded by people you grew up idolising. Right next to me is Jiyoung, lead singer and main dancer of the popular group Wallflower.
Across from me is Dino, famous rapper and producer of another Big 3 company called QP Entertainment. Large funeral wreaths line the walls, all delivered from entertainment companies through out Korea. It is like the entire industry is in this room right now.
I recognise a few politicians and then someone announces that the funeral procession will be over soon so that the family and friends may mourn in private. We are all granted turns to pay our respects and I wait patiently as we walk in a line to the coffin in front.
I feel small standing in a room of giants. It feels wrong to be in the middle of the line and not at the end of it. The boys of TBT stand in front of me and they earn a few nods of recognition from their peers.
I look down, avoiding all stares and attention. When I reach the front I see Dalia's younger sister and parents standing by her coffin. Their tear stricken faces are miserable as they bow to everyone offering them condolences.
I can't even begin to imagine the loss they must be feeling.
The other three members of Sweet Poison stand next to them looking just as distraught. I bite my lip and my heart sinks to my stomach when it is finally my turn to stand in front of Dalia's coffin.
There is a picture of her beautiful face framed above it, smiling at me as I approach. I feel a sharp pain stab through my chest, a feeling of loss and regret for so much wasted talent and potential. She is the reason I went down this path and now she is dead.
My feet stay rooted in place as I stare at her coffin, wondering what she must look like inside. A closed casket could only mean that her body is in an unpresentable condition and I don't even want to imagine.
Mr. Oh and I bow to her family and then at the members of Sweet Poison - Loona, Maria and Summer, all clad in similar black outfits. I can't believe I am meeting them in person and under such horrible circumstances.
When we exit the hall, my mind drifts to memories of Dalia and I playing in the sun, our skin tanned and our smiles wide. The girl in the picture above the coffin barely looks like the old Eun Young, with her pale white skin and pre pubescent glow up. Even her teeth are straighter.
The crooked smile I remember from our childhood was a genuine one. Now I wonder if it was one of the last ones she ever had.
Hey guys thanks for reading :) :) Hope you enjoyed it so far.
Question: Which fandom do you belong to?
Me: Multistan but more of a second gen Stan.