"There's no time for us, there's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams, yet slips away from us?
Who wants to live forever? Who wants to live forever? Oh, ooh, oh
There's no chance for us, it's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us"
- Queen, "Who Wants to Live Forever"
Chapter Thirty-Three
Our breath tangled together in the small space between us, warm and bated. He was so close. His blinks were slow and steady, and I could see how his eyelashes brushed and fluttered on his cheek. How curly they were as they framed my favorite color. I could see the faintest of freckles on his nose, a barely there splattering of spots; I wondered if they only appeared in the summer, or if they dusted his skin year-round. I wondered if I would ever know.
One day I'd like to count them, if he'll let me.
So faint, I wondered if it was just a trick of the light. But that wasn't all the bright morning was illuminating. I realized the color in his eyes got lighter in the center, almost a strained watery green before it dropped off into a bottomless pool of black.
I could look at him forever. Memorizing and learning everything there is to know.
The green flicked down before meeting my eyes again. He was exploring me as much as I was exploring him. Those curly lashes kissed his cheek again.
The heat from the hot tub was getting unbearable now. I was overheating.
He was so close.
He got a little closer.
And closer.
I could count every freckle, every eyelash.
Heaven forgive me.
His hand drew up, fingers reaching for my cheek. We were so close.
And then an interruption happened. Life intervened.
When a shrill sound pierced the moment, startling us away from each other, I could've screamed in frustration. We jumped and flinched apart as his phone rang, loud and urgent. It disrupted everything as it wailed.
I stared in disbelief at the phone where it laid beside us.
Are you kidding me? That actually happened? His phone went off? That only happens on screen.
But what was even more mind-boggling was what'd almost happened, just before the phone went off. We'd almost... wow. That part was even harder to believe than the odd stroke of fate that was his phone ringing.
When did my life become a movie? This is some Hallmark bullshit. Am I not allowed to have nice things? The one time I say damn the consequences, and actively try to stall my overthinking—this happens. Are you kidding me?
The water sloshed as Reed cleared his throat and reached for the phone, just beyond my shoulder. His eyes were focused on the device, pointedly avoiding me again. His arm brushed mine ever so slightly when he pulled it back.
He stared at the caller ID before his eyes darted to me, hints of his own disbelief still on his face. A slight blush tinged his ears as he cleared his throat again. I was still frozen, wide-eyed.
What just happened? Or was about to happen? And why the actual hell did his phone have to go off?
I was convinced the universe didn't want me to be happy. I was clearly on the cosmos's naughty-list. Because if that phone hadn't gone off, we would've been on a one-way train out of the purgatory we resided in.
Instead, he lifted the phone to his ear.
"Sterling," his voice rumbled. It was night and day from the soft tones that'd washed over me just moments before. His stern, stoic side emerged as he became Mr. Reed Sterling of Greystone Security again.
It's definitely not his mother calling.
"Sir." He turned and pushed out of the water. I sat stiffly in the hot tub still, eyes on him as he listened intently. Water poured and dripped as gravity beckoned the liquid off his drenched frame.
I wondered how odd he must have looked from an outside perspective, standing next to the water in normal clothes. His clothes heavy and dripping. Water trickling down the back of his neck. His damp curls plastered on his skin, twisting in the slight dip below his hairline.
It's really hot in this hot tub. Really hot.
The water sloshed again as I started to stand. Reed glanced over at the sound, taking a step forward and silently offering a hand. He helped me out until I stood next to him, still concentrated on the call.
Water pooled at our feet from our clothes. He hadn't said anything else other than his name and 'sir'. Whoever was on the line had a lot to say.
Whatever tension had leached from his back and shoulders in the hot tub was returning. A dark cloud was forming on his face, causing my own body to tense. Paranoia and fear crept across my skin, itching and digging in.
What if it's more evidence against me? What if he accuses me of something else? What if it's like last time, and he turns on me again? What are they saying?
Every muscle protested being clenched so soon after finally relaxing. Reed's eyes found mine as his body turned. Angry eyes. Dread rose up. It lashed my body and quickened my heart. I couldn't take much more. Not after what'd just happened in the water.
"That's a stupid ass plan," he spit out suddenly. I jumped at the abruptness. My body relaxed knowing the phone call wasn't about what I did, or possibly did, but my stomach clenched at his words.
What's a stupid plan? Who's he talking to?
With another jolt I realized he hadn't walked away to take the phone call. I didn't need to eavesdrop this time. He'd stayed. He was looking at me as he spoke, knowing I could hear every word he said.
"No, Romano, I won't listen," he hissed.
Romano? His boss? He's talking to Quentin?
My mouth dropped open at his tone. I never would've imagined he would speak to anyone that way, let alone his boss.
"What kind of decision is that? You're supposed to be a leader. No man left behind, or is that only when it conveniences you and the company?" His voice crackled with animosity. I had never seen so much fury from him. It spread until his entire body looked one wrong word away from exploding; his eyes alone were enough to kill as they looked at mine. On the bright side, it clearly wasn't directed at me. His eyes were unfocused. The anger was directed at his boss, who was apparently still trying to explain something to Reed.
"I won't do it. I don't give a shit if it's an order. You promoted me where I am because I know how to make the right decision. I'm making the right decision now." He was not holding back as he berated his boss, his knuckles white on the phone.
"Take your de-escalation bullshit to someone who isn't on the run. She needs our protection. Or did you forget about the gunman at your buddy's party? Nice to see how much loyalty you have, sir," he spat out mockingly.
"What is going on?" I hissed, careful not to be heard by Quentin. He only shook his head and listened to Quentin's reply.
"You won't fire me. I trained those teams. I led them. I did that, not you."
He was confident, never wavering.
How sure do you have to be that you can't, or won't be fired to say something like that? To call your CEO's bluff? Pretty damn sure, I'm guessing.
"Call me when there's a lead or a plan. A good plan. Not this bullshit."
And with that, he hung up. He dropped his phone on the nearby pool-chair before both of his hands raised to link his fingers behind his head. He closed his eyes as his chest heaved with deep, ragged breaths.
The sun was turning harsh as it rose higher in the sky. My skin prickled as drops of water evaporated. My voice was low and hesitant. "Reed?"
I didn't know if I should be saying anything, or if I needed to walk away and give him space. I didn't know how to approach this situation. When it came to Reed, all of my navigational skills were thrown out the window.
He took a few more deep breaths before slowly opening his eyes, lowering his arms.
"I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that," he apologized. His tone remained hard, but all malice had seeped out. He was still frustrated, but he wasn't taking it out on me. I could tell he was making a conscious effort to watch how he spoke to me.
I think that conversation was exactly what I needed to hear, for multiple reasons.
"You were talking to Quentin?" I confirmed. His chin jutted out as his nostrils flared.
"Yes."
"What's going on?"
He considered his words carefully, an internal debate being waged in front of my eyes.
"There's a new case at Greystone," he said slowly. His expression was wary, and it made me wary as well.
"Okay," I remarked—entirely unsure what I was supposed to conclude from that.
"And Romano called me in."
"He called you in. To work the new case?" I asked, bewildered.
"Yes."
I rolled this over in my mind, trying to see a new angle. "Why? What about this case?"
What about me?
"He wanted to pull me. I said no."
"You didn't answer my question. What about this case? What was the plan? Were you just supposed to leave me here?" I was becoming increasingly baffled. His cheek twitched.
"Mr. Cruz and his family would remain in their safehouse. This case would still be worked, just not by me. Our resources would be split."
I thought for a moment before speaking again.
"What's the new case? Is it like this one?" I asked. He looked at me, surprise flashing across his sharp features. It was his turn to be taken aback.
"Why does that matter? I'm not doing it. Like I said, our resources would be divided. Greystone's attention would be split. I wouldn't be on this case at all anymore."
I know, and I hate that. Thinking about it makes me want to freak out.
"Is someone in danger like me? Like Cruz?" I insisted. "Like I... was?"
Am?
He blinked slowly, eyes narrowing. "I'm not leaving you."
"I know it means it'll take longer to catch the Cawtons. You guys won't be as devoted to catching the shooter, and I get that. But in the meantime, would you be able to keep everyone safe? The ones in danger from the new case, too?" My words rushed out as I tried to explain where my head was.
Maybe this case would be delayed because the resources would be split. Maybe the new case would make it more difficult to solve this case—but Reed was the team leader. Maybe it was time for the captain to be back on the ship. What if there was someone like me out there, who needed him like I had? What would I have done if I hadn't had Reed when I'd needed him the most?
Someone could need him, too. Like I did. Or, do?
"Do you know what you're asking me to do? What you could be giving up if Greystone takes both cases?" He ground out.
"Yes."
He stared at me in disbelief. "You could be on the run for a long time. We have every team member working this case right now, and it's still been two weeks with minimal leads. How long do you think it will take if that number is split in half?"
Long enough to ruin what's left of my career.
"Is the new case like this one? Is there someone who needs your help?" I repeated firmly. I could feel something horrible swelling up in my chest and gut, something that left a bad taste in my mouth and an ache in my lungs.
"There's always someone who needs my help," he maintained. "Including you."
His words were true, and it wasn't arrogant or egotistical when he said that. It was more so an observation from a man who felt he needed to help everyone, that firmly believed it was his job to defend every soul. It came from a place of an unquenchable desire to help. An internal obligation for good. An innate calling to protect. But it was also a statement from a man who'd learned the hard way he couldn't protect everyone.
"Maybe going back will help solve the cases. You'd be there to guide the teams in-person. And what makes me more deserving of it? More deserving of your help?"
"You had it first."
I could've smiled at that argument. It would have closed the case in kindergarten court. "It's a good thing I learned how to share."
He opened his mouth to retort.
"Besides, unless the plan was to leave me here with a 'good luck', it's not like I'll be doing this alone, right? You said Greystone would still be working this case. I'm assuming I would be put in a new safehouse or assigned someone else. I'm not saying I shouldn't be protected, just that multiple people can be protected at once."
I wasn't sure what the plan was. He'd told Quentin I needed their protection. What had been the original plan? Did Quentin not think I needed protection anymore? My gut twisted at the thought of Reed leaving. I didn't want anyone else, and I didn't want a new safehouse if that really was the plan. Not one where he wasn't there. But if I had to, then I'd deal with it. If someone else needed him, then he wasn't mine to keep.
But Reed didn't answer.
"So, is there someone who needs your help more than me right now?"
No.
His face looked like he agreed with my internal dialogue. But my moral compass was spinning in confusion. I wanted nothing more than to demand he stayed, but guilt threatened to spill. Was that selfish? If it was, could I be selfish? Could I demand my safety at the cost of others? While Reed going wouldn't be the final determining factor of their safety, reuniting the leader with his teams would certainly help. The teams would be stronger and more efficient with their captain at the helm.
Any soldier could protect me; I didn't need the general to keep me safe.
"There are other team members. Other people can work that case. Romano will assign someone else," he argued.
My lips drew up in a gentle grin. "Not everyone is Reed Sterling."
"It makes no sense. Why should I go? Why should I start a new case when I'm here? It'd be more efficient to have someone else with less involvement begin that case. If someone else came here, they'd need to be debriefed, and you'd be left with someone you don't trust at a critical time. Why would Romano think it's a good idea to pull me?"
I understood. It didn't make much sense. Pulling him involved more moving parts and complications than was necessary. Maximum efficiency would be directing other team members to the new case and cutting any middle steps. But he was the best. Maybe the new case needed the best more than I did. If there was someone feeling the same fear I had, or undergoing even worse, who was I to be selfish? What power did I have to demand he choose me?
"You're the best. You trained the teams, remember? You're the leader. And what would you sacrifice by not accepting this? You can't ruin your career with Greystone over this," I stressed.
Only one of us needs to lose their career here.
"He won't fire me. And if does, there are plenty of other places that want me," he scoffed. I shook my head in frustration.
"You're assuming they'd still want you after you got fired. I mean, hell, they probably would, but why would you want to risk it?"
Why is he looking at me like that?
"Look, I agree with you," I admitted. "It doesn't make a lot of sense to pull you unless you consider that you're good at what you do. Maybe the teams need you back. You're the best person for the job."
"He didn't mention you," he admitted suddenly.
"What?"
"Romano. He didn't mention you," Reed repeated.
"Oh."
That's why he said I needed their protection. He didn't even think of me. What, he knew Reed was on the run but forgot the why? The 'with who' part?
"So, no. He doesn't get to present a half-ass plan that compromises your safety."
Reed was set. He wasn't budging.
A little part of me reasoned it wasn't that bad he didn't mention me. I wasn't Cruz, or Amanda, or some high-up government official. I was placed under protection, of course, but I wasn't anyone's main priority.
"Don't make sacrifices here, Reed. You're not the one who needs to."
And with that closing statement, I turned and left the court.
C'mon, should their first kiss really be in a motel hot tub? I think they deserve a little better (a little more romance) than that! Don't worry, we're getting closer...
I know this is late. Sometimes I think I'm smart and other times I lose track what day of the week it is. It's just been one of those weeks!
Some new complications were introduced in this chapter! Will Avery realize what she said and regret it? Will she change her mind? Why was this new case accepted?
I think there could be some frustration about Avery's argument here, and her overthinking lately. She has finally realized what she needs to work on, but it hasn't resulted in immediate change. Baby steps before you can run. This argument is also grounded in something often thoroughly intertwined with overthinking (even if Avery has not explicitly identified it yet) - guilt.
- H