This is quite long but I'm so hyped for this goddamn movie and I hope you guys are enjoying this content! Just wanted to provide you all with more fan fiction during Grindeldore season. I finally purchased the Blood Pact replica which you can see above, it looks so cool haha. Thanks for reading!
Albus POV:
I clumsily opened the door to my office, my sweaty palm almost slipping off the the golden doorknob as I stepped inside, my back towards Newt who was following closely behind with his Niffler tucked safely inside his coat pocket. I didn't want to look at him- I could feel his eyes on me which filled me with dread about all the questions he'll be begging to ask, most of which I had no idea how to answer.
I flicked my hand towards the door to close it, 'Did you say you wanted tea?' I asked unsurely, stretching my memory to when we were outside Hogwarts with the others just now but I could only recall glimpses of the conversation.....my mind had clearly been too preoccupied on something else.
Newt stood awkwardly but before he could open his mouth I answered for him.
'You wanted tea,' I swallowed thickly and tried to find where I kept the tea bags. I opened and closed the draws hurriedly, squinting and feeling stupid at this desperate attempt to appear normal, 'I'm sure I put them in here,' I sucked in a breath, getting increasingly more frustrated as I fumbled through my desk space for something I never usually find this trying to conjure. My rapid movements were frantic as a bead of sweat dripped down the side of my head and into the start of my beard which really needed a trim I'd neglected it for so long.
Newt sighed, 'Dumbledore, it's fine, if you can't find them we can just-'
I slammed the drawer closed yet again, 'No if you want tea then we shall have tea,' I continued my pointless search as I moved two and fro about the small office.
'Dumbledore, are you sure you're alright?' Newt asked hesitantly.
Still avoiding his gaze, I strode over to the other side of the room and tried locating the tea bags there instead but it was no use. I yanked another drawer so forcefully it fell out and the contents of dozens of teaspoons scattered on the floor with a loud chorus of clinks one after the other.
I stared in shock at the floor, staying in this state until there was a coo which came from Newt's Niffler which had sprung from its pouch and launched itself at the ground- half the spoons already disappearing into its pockets as it stuffed the goods into its body.
'No, come on!' Newt said firmly, 'What did I tell you, you've already got enough,' he scooped up the animal who whined in protest as she was forced to sit back in his pocket.
I leaned against the desk, my eyes at the floor as Newt came over, the silence speaking for itself as he was clearly trying to find the right words.
'Just ask me,' I whispered, my emotions embarrassingly apparent in my tone. I wanted to get this over and done with so I could go back to repressing the same cursed memories I do everyday so I never have to look or think about them again.
Newt paused, his finger softly stroking the head of the Niffler with a reserved tenderness that made this moment just a little less stale. Just a little.
'Why did you do it?' He queried, the string of words I'd been dreading leaving his lips as the crushing feeling I used to feel was dropped back onto my shoulders, making me feel like I was about to collapse. My gaze finally lifted to meet Newt's water-like eyes that swam with curiosity, curiosity in things who ought not to delve into if he wanted to see me as the man he saw now.
I still smiled, briefly, making a sound that could only be described as the audible version of regret. My eyes crinkled and their twinkle grew stronger as they watered but it was subtle and I hoped it would stay that way.
'I did it because.....well.....' I wasn't sure was to say, Newt was my former student and associate. I couldn't consider him a friend, that wouldn't seem right.....I didn't even know if I could tell him. I don't even know if I'm strong enough to utter the words, 'Have you ever.....spent time with somebody and thought there is absolutely no possible way you could ever part ways with them. Like it was your purpose to be by their side at all moments?'
Newt shifted his feet and glanced away, 'Yes,'
I nodded slowly, 'I did it because I once felt that way myself,'
'About.....Grindelwald?' Newt stated in confusion, his tone of voice more judgemental than he intended it to sound.
I chuckled, 'He wasn't always the way he was now.....I mean, he was in some ways, but not entirely.'
'What made you want to stay near someone like him?'
My heart sank, my throat going dry as I faced the decision on whether I was totally honest with Newt or not. I looked into his eyes to see so much sympathy, he could sense the guilt coming right off of me. But he couldn't understand the true feelings I have. Not when he doesn't know the whole story. Did I trust him to know?
I walked carefully towards the window in the middle of the room on the back wall, staring through the glass to view the open countryside with the sun glistening down on the body of water we were so lucky to see every day from each classroom. I'd always cherished it even when I once attended Hogwarts, perhaps that was because it was the only thing that ever stayed constant in my life. But with the sunny atmosphere and the luscious green rolling hills I could flourishing from my tower. It also reminded me a little of a place I once called home.
'He was charismatic,' I stated, shaking my head slightly as I seemed to zone out on the scene, 'As soon as I met him I knew I'd never quite find someone as.....someone I was so drawn to,' I cleared my throat, blinking at the rays of sunlight that were making me squint, 'I'd never felt such a way before, and I haven't since, everything about him was just so alluring and I couldn't possibly imagine my life without him,' I sighed, my breath catching my emotions and pulling them right out of me along with the thoughts that came off my tongue, 'I cared for him more than I did for my own family. In truth.....I cared more than I should of,' I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to keep my calm as I pivoted to get Newt's reaction. He was looking at me as if I hadn't said anything out of the ordinary, I decided to follow it up, 'Do you understand what I'm saying?'
Newt frowned, 'I'm not sure I do sir,'
I took a deep breath, 'I'm trying to say sometimes someone comes into your life and you can't see it without them so you do as much as you can, whatever you can, to make them stay.....even if it leaves you in a state,' I bit my lip, 'It's difficult to explain, I'd never expect you to understand. No one could,'
'I want to Dumbledore,' Newt states firmly, his usual unsure tone melting away for just a moment as he expressed his thoughts openly, 'It's just I can't exactly see you and Grindelwald as close as you're describing since he's trying to start a war with the muggles and we are going to stop it,'
He can't see it. A thought flashed across my brain which I wasn't sure was even an option, not a safe one at least but I'm not managing to communicate properly with words so perhaps actions will indeed speak louder. I knew I wouldn't be able to say what I needed to say out loud, my heart was too shattered to even think about them. Maybe showing him is the only way for him to truly get all the information I want him to know.
I wandered towards the hidden artefact before I'd even consciously decided this was what I was going to do and the pool of rippling water emerged from the mirror-like doors, calling me inside.
Newt jumped, not expecting the appearance of the foreign object and I turned to him, trying to mask my anxiety about what I was about to do, 'Do you know what this is?'
He looked at the bowl then back to me and then back to the water, 'It looks to me like a very fancy sink,'
I chuckled, 'Not quite,'
'You're not my teacher anymore sir,' Newt smoked slightly, 'You don't need to save my feelings, you mean I'm entirely wrong,'
'Maybe,' I shook my head fondly, turning towards it, 'I use it when I cannot clear my mind enough to remember things I have once seen accurately.....or recall them at all,'
I pointed my wand to my head and focused on what I wanted to look at, my wand latched onto the memory inside my brain and I drew it carefully out through my skull and delicately let it drift down from the tip inside the pool which let it settle as it mixed inside creating an image I wasn't sure I was even ready to see.
Stepping back instinctively, I gestured my hand towards the shimmering liquid, 'You first,'
Newt looked sceptically at me but brought himself forward any, his shoes dragging him across the floor as if they were trying to stop him. I was so close to stopping him, but I knew it was all going to come out eventually and I think I'd rather have a chance to explain than have people turn their back on me just because they didn't understand.....like Aberforth did.
He reached the plate, admiring the crystal clear picture inside the water as it tried to lure him inside. Newt took the Niffler out of his pocket and let it jump down to the floor where it scampered to resume spook collection. Newt's face grew closer and closer to the water before he was drawn into it- disappearing from my view.
I stood where he once stood, gripping the memory by the side and huffing. I hadn't looked at this one in so many years I may have forgotten some things I didn't want to remember. But I couldn't just leave Newt in there, he'd have to be guided or he'd be so confused it wouldn't have helped anything.
Reluctantly, I closed my eyes, my permanent tears imprisoned inside my eyes as I let myself fall, knowing where I was about to land and experiencing dread those who had never felt couldn't possibly imagine. When my eyelids opened slowly I saw around me the very place I saw in my head- the place I longed to still be in.
It was my room, my old room, which was probably clear from the amount of shelves that contained hundreds upon thousands of books that were neatly stacked on all of my walls. There was a desk not dissimilar to the one I own now which also had papers scrawled upon it and two open books that had notes jotted inside. A light shone onto a particular part which I cast my glimpse over.
'Deathly Hallows= Immortality'
I shivered, trying to keep my composure as I thought I'd all the rotten things I used to do. It make me feel like someone was gripping my stomach and trying to pull it out through my throat as my brain turned over unpleasant memories this had triggered but I stopped- grounding myself and slowly inhaling the floral scents being exuded by the vase on the windowsill which was full to the brim with pretty flowers, all of a different colour and origin.
'Albus?'
I exhaled sharply, my breath catching in my throat as I pivoted to see Gellert jump through the bedroom window and crunch the wooden slats with his boots. I glanced at Newt who didn't seem too unhinged by the appearance and watched closely as my younger self raised his eyebrows at the other boy in concern.
'Gellert, what are you doing here at this time of night?! You're soaking wet, this is England you'll catch your death of cold,' I fretted, getting to my feet immediately and grabbing a towel for him.
Gellert grinned, his mouth curling in that way it used to. I always thought I knew what it meant but maybe, just maybe I didn't. Maybe I didn't know him at all.
'You cannot scold me when you're staying up so late too,' He fired, collapsing onto my bed as younger me sat beside him, wrapping the towel around his head to dry his long golden locks that now looked like rats tails. Gellert sat up as I rubbed his hair gently and raised an eyebrow, 'Do you not have anything to say to this?'
I sighed, 'I knew you'd come, what was the point in going to sleep?'
There was a few moments of comfortable silence as I continued to dry Gellert's hair as he watched my face concentrate. When it was reasonably dry, I dried off his neck too which prompted Gellert to kiss my cheek.
'What was that for?'
'A thank you kiss,'
Younger me laughed and threw the towel to the other side of the room. But I felt poisoned, it seemed Gellert had given me a lot of thank you kisses and please kisses and do what I say kisses. So why was it I still craved the touch of this demeanour even now? Why was my heart still stuck in time when my head was fully aware of the truth?
'I wanted to talk to you about something,' Gellert mentioned, his eyes seeming conflicting not just by colour but by the situation he was about to put himself in. Unlike usual it appeared he wasn't familiar with the consequences which could only mean he was trying to fulfill or stop a vision. That's the only time there would be blanks.
'About the Hallows?' I asked naively, moving closer to him so that our shoulder touched.
He smiled, 'Kind of.....I just wanted to ask you something but I don't want you to worry about it,'
Why? Why did I not see that like come up so often. Did I not see he was always telling me not to worry about things I should have been worrying about?
'Ok,' Younger Albus said but there was a hint of uncertainty in his tone, he was trying to figure out what would make the other one act so out of character. He did indeed hardly ever show any signs of doubt and nervousness and although they were slight in this scenario they were noticeable.
Gellert leaned closer, 'You would never hurt me, would you, Albus?'
I flinched at the same time young me frowned deeply, replying, 'Why would you say that?'
'Just answer it,' His voice commanded softly.
My younger self took Gellert's hands in his own and held them tightly, 'I would never hurt you, I can't even think about doing that,'
Gellert's eyes flickered between mine, he was searching for something, he was searching for any sign of dishonesty and betrayal. But of course there was none, I had never wanted to inflict pain upon him, all he had was a loyal puppy dog to follow him around to make sure he was satisfied.
'Why not?' He followed up, his eyes set on mine which would never leave his.
'Why would I want to hurt the only person who's ever truly cared for me?' I heard myself say, the naivety and innocence in my voice making me feel so stupid as I delivered my affectionate words to the boy.
I knew his ego grew with every loving word I uttered towards him. He adored it, knowing that me, an intelligent and capable young man would follow his every command and take everything he told as fact. It made him feel powerful that he had that much hold over me, that he was special to someone with such skill that he could manipulate in any way his mind thought possible.
His hand lifted from his side and cupped around my face, smoothing him thumb on my cheek and kissing the other again, whispering against my skin, 'I don't know.....are you sure you wouldn't?'
I nodded with certainty, 'Of course I am sure, I'm so sure I would swear on my life,'
His eyebrow quirked, 'You would?'
'Yes,' I replied adamantly, 'Why do you keep asking.....are you alright? Has the cold got to you? Do you need a blanket?'
'I don't want us to fight,' His voice said so quietly and with such sincerity I instantly remember the way my heart melted as his voice echoed in my ears. He was being sincere, perhaps I felt such a feeling towards him because it was the only time he had been this way.
Younger me tried to laugh this off, 'Gellert, we're not fighting.....why are you acting so strange?'
He gazed into my eyes, 'I'm being serious,'
My younger self relaxed his shoulders, getting lost in his eyes as he once again fell victim to the charming tongue of the only boy whom he'd seen as worthwhile, 'Ok,'
Gellert took his hand and held onto it tightly, 'I never want to leave you, I don't want you to leave me side. I know it now and I've known it since the very first day we met. The very thought of not having you near me makes me.....' he paused, taking a deep breath, 'I want you to promise me you'll never let go of me,'
'I won't,' I responded without hesitation, moving even closer to him, 'I'd never leave you Gellert,'
He observed my eyes again, he could see into my head, he knew I was telling him no less than the truth of my fickle heart. I should have realised how strange it was I'd never been able to see into his.
'And you would swear it?' He asked again, his voice warm and husky, 'Properly?'
'What do you mean?'
His voice grew to a gentle hum of sweet talk, he never did so often, he never used this tone with me, he never usually got so sentimental. But this was all part of the manipulative nature I know he was keeping hidden from my blind eyes, 'What I mean is, Albus, would you promise yourself to me,'
I let go of his hand, withdrawing a little as I wasn't sure where this was coming from, 'Err, In what way?'
He leaned in, his lips right next to my ear so I could feel his warm breath and inhale the smell of musk coming off his plain black waistcoat, 'I'm asking you to marry me,'
Young me stiffened as Gellert pulled away and assessed my reaction confidently but tactically as my mouth parted slightly in shock. It took a few seconds for me to come back to reality after my brain rushed with emotions and took away my ability to think, 'But, we can't get married,'
'Why not?' He asked simply as if what he had just said wasn't absurd.
'Well for starts,' My younger self began rambling nervously, 'It's illegal in every single country in the world for us to marry. Second we have not know each-other for a very long time let alone been like this,' I gestured between ourselves, 'Then there's also the fact marriage means literally nothing when you boil it down and what on earth would Aberforth say? He already hates you enough and what about your Aunt? She'd go insane if she found out and everyone will think we're so strange. What's the point in marriage anyway I don't see why you'd say that and bring that up out of no where and to be honest you're kind of freaking me out are you sick?!'
I put a hand to his forehead to check his temperature before rolling up his shirt to check his stomach. His placed his hand on top of mine, keeping it under his shirt and queried, 'Why are you freaking out?'
'Because you just.....proposed to me!' I exclaimed, not dealing with it well as my face turned red, 'Do you not understand my concerns?'
He shrugged, 'We don't need some old person to tell us we're married, we can just do it ourselves in our own way that's unlike anyone else. If you said yes that is,'
'And if I said yes, how would we do that?!' Young me continued to be shocked.
Gellert reached for my hand again and turned it so my palms pointed towards the ceiling. His finger traced the lines and my skin felt cooled even though his hands were warm against mine. 'We perform a ritual, it's something people like ourselves used to do when they wanted to marry but could not,' he laced our fingers together and wrapped his other arm around my waist.
'Do you really want to marry me?' I asked him, my eyes not meeting his, 'You're still so young, how do you know in a few years you won't meet someone else you want to start a family with or something?'
'I know what I want,' Gellert replied, his hand brushing through my hair, 'I want you,'
My younger self stared into his mismatched eyes before pressing my lips carefully onto his as his grip on my hair deepened into my scalp as we continued to kiss.
The memory started to dissolve, the familiar objects disappearing into black nothingness as it disintegrated into what it was- just water. I felt myself being lifted out physically but my mind was securely trapped in the reminiscent loop of guilt I wake up stuck in every day. Only this time it was freshly reinstated and not worn away over the years until I forgot it was even there. Almost forgot any how.
Embarrassed, I cleared my throat, taking the blood pact out of the space in my pocket and turning it over in the palm of my hand. Now I was in close proximity I could hear it speaking to me, it's whispers, the sound of my own voice uttering adoration and promises I was unaware I could never keep and now needed to break.
'When you said you cared for Grindelwald,' Newt finally spoke after staring at the ground in utter surprise and disbelief of what he had just seen, but I don't regret showing him. It needed to be understood what my emotional investment in this situation is and why I've been so reluctant to intervene for so long. It's not just because I can't be bothered. I just.....can't.
'Yes?'
Newt could barely look me in the eyes as he blinked rapidly against his own uncomfortableness, 'You meant you held an affection for him?'
I chuckled, the pain evident in my attempts to be lighthearted about something that had deeply affected me for the rest of my life, 'I mean I loved him Newt, as much as I hate you say it, I loved him more than I've ever loved anything or anyone,' I tried to stay calm but my self-hatred began to creep out like a caged Cornish pixie trying to emerge from the bars with all its might, 'You saw how I was, he had me eating out of the palm of his hand. He could make even the darkest days seem like the brightest but it was all lies, he lied his way into my heart,' I tugged at my chest before drawing myself away to create distant between me and Newt.
I felt like hiding away in the corner but I knew that I couldn't do that. Newt knew me as a strong, reliable teacher and I know I was loosening his ideas of me greatly but the last thing I need him seeing is me having an emotional breakdown over a man I haven't seen in years.
'I.....didn't know,' Newt sighed, trying to show some signs of empathy but his social anxiety was too much of a barrier for him to execute it effectively.
'No one knows,' I admitted, 'Just me, my brother, Grindelwald and now you,'
Newt pointed to the blood pact, 'So this is a marriage pact?'
'Indeed,' I nodded, 'I was so so stupid, he was only telling me what I wanted to hear and I let him. I allowed him inside of my head and he lapped up every opportunity he had to manipulate me,'
'And you have no idea how to break it?' Newt confirmed, his hand reaching to his chin as he squinted in strained thought.
I shook my head, 'I've been through every memory I have of that summer and he never told me- why would he need to? As far as our minds went we would never be seen apart,' depression ran through my cold veins as I tried not to break down, 'I'd hoped he wouldn't be able to gain this sort of power without me, but of course, as usual when it comes to him, I was very wrong,'
Newt's facial expression softened and the effort to comfort me reappeared once again, 'I don't think you were stupid, sir, we all make mistakes,'
I laughed, 'Yes, we do, have you also started a war Newt? Because last time I checked the only thing that started wars is assassinations and a craving for power not a desperate clutch at maintaining love,'
'I can't say I have,' Newt agreed, 'But I did once unleash my whole suitcase of animals in New York which allowed Grindelwald to gain more power whilst I was busy flirting which isn't exactly as extreme but I can empathise to some ex-'
'Newt,' I interrupted.
'Yes?'
'It's ok you don't need to force yourself to justify my decisions,' I nodded, 'You saw me for what I am, a naive and arrogant man and I am perfectly happy admitting to it. I was a coward for thinking I could be perceived as anything but,' I grimaced, 'Besides, everything he sold to me was a fleeting dream that only I could ever find attractive,'
Newt shuffled his feet for the millionth time, placing his suitcase on the ground and adjusting his coat, 'I don't believe he was lying,'
I turned to look at him, my eyes glancing up and down as I tried to sense the energy suggested in his body language, 'What?'
'Grindelwald,' Newt elaborated, 'I don't see how everything said was a lie, unless I'm missing something, the two of you seemed mutually involved,'
I froze, my cheeks going red as I failed to understand the blunt and uncomfortable English coming from his thoughts, 'I'm afraid I don't understand Newt,'
'Like you said. Grindelwald didn't need you to rise to power,' He explained, 'He managed to do it anyway. So I don't think he was intentionally manipulating you in any way, I think he wanted you beside him because he cared for you equally if not more. Otherwise it wouldn't make sense why he would show you such affection, especially when it's- if you don't mind me stating- not exactly respectable,'
I mulled over his words, sitting down in my desk chair and stroking a hand through my beard, 'I've never thought of it like that before,'
'Do you know anyone who is able to break the bond?' Newt questioned, sitting down opposite me.
'I've asked all my contacts and they'd never even heard of it before, Gellert mentioned it was something only men like ourselves usually partook in,' I paused, 'It's possible he could have learnt it off of his Great Aunt Bathilda Bagshot but it'd be unclear why she mentioned it to him,'
Newt sat up straight, 'That's still a lead,'
'It is,' I hesitated, 'It's also in Godric's Hollow and I'd rather not step foot back there,'
'Why not?'
'Aberforth never left,' I admitted, 'If I returned he'd be breathing down my neck most likely,'
'Come on sir,' Newt begged, 'It's our only chance against Grindelwald and the only thing standing in our way is your feud with your brother?'
'It wasn't really a feud,' I defended, 'It's a hatred for me one cannot extinguish with reason nor- I say to my own shame and self disappointment- empirical evidence,' I scratched my head deeply with my nails, 'If I even put my shoe over the border he'll know I'm there and bring up everything that happened to break me,'
Newt got to his feet, 'Dumbledore, with all due respect, there are people losing their lives right now to Grindelwald's games and you are the only one with the tools to stop it.'
Guilt drilled through me, he's right. If I keep hiding away like this I can never correct the mistakes I made years ago- that's why I'm stuck in this frightful thought pattern that forces me to slave away at my own expense just to relive my experiences one more time. Did things really go that way? Better just check and revisit the trauma. It may be a selfish motive, but it's the only way I can even tempt myself to engage in this situation. The hopeful promise that perhaps I will no longer need to beg myself, to beg my sister for forgiveness. To forget.
'I suggest we go at night,' I mused, uncertainty evident in my shaky voice as Newt seemed surprised his efforts had worn me down, 'That way we have less chance running into Aberforth.....he'll be too late to get to me by the time we're finished,'
Newt nodded, 'Where should we meet?'
'Hmm, there's a small pub within the outskirts of the village. We can meet there for a spot of mead before we go to Hilda's, I'd option for tea but I'm afraid, Newt, there isn't a tea strong enough to fuel my courage of being back in Hollow,'
Newt laughed, 'I understand professor, do you really think she may know about the nature of the blood pact?'
My finger caressed the flame that melted the single candle that was sat at my desk, 'I'm not entirely certain, but even if she doesn't, her home just might,' I locked eyes with Newt who seemed to be aware of what I was suggesting.
Newt was definitely an ally, so few men would stay by the side of another who'd heart was battered and bruised by their own torturous designs. But even after seeing me for what I am, me in my darkest of times and at my worst of worsts he stays because it's what's right, because he knows he has to. I grinned past the agony that was burning a hole in my chest as my mind turned over the imagination that I would be back home in the next coming days and that thought alone was making my stomach churn like it did when I saw Newt with the blood pact on the bridge just now.
Was it relief? Was it disappointment?
I still wasn't sure but with Grindelwald, a killer on the lose, a killer of my own potential making who carries a piece of me to some extent with him in his philosophy, the only thing I could possibly do to put it right was to fight him. And that I shall do until my last breath has either me or him falling backwards off a building and hurtling towards earth at the cry of the killing curse. But whoever that might be will accept it graciously, for the gift of death is the most merciful gift of them all.