(tw)
"i think i'm starting to learn more about you."
he started to remember why he stopped interacting with people. why he stopped speaking to others outside of his house,
why he didn't want hisano to get close with him.
the days after his mom's passing, he remembered sitting against the door of his mom's bedroom. it was right before they had to get rid of things since he was now alone.
he had to figure out how to live alone, or who will take care of him.
he had to figure out what to take and what to throw away, how to be responsible. his mom was his only guardian and then she just died.
so, before moving day, he sat in her bedroom and stared at everything closely. there wasn't any emotion in his eyes, probably used it all up at the hospital.
it was messy, it reeked of alcohol and cigarettes. but it had a faint womanly scent of perfume.
he stared blankly at the clothes on the floor, he remembered his mom's words about laundry.
he scoffed and stood up, limping from his leg that went numb after sitting on it for too long.
first, he approached her dresser. it had her make-up and perfumes on it. there were jewelry boxes with open slots and parts broken off of it.
nail polish stained the top of the dresser as well. there was a mirror there too.
pictures of her from way back were all over the corners of the mirror. he'd observe them closely and collect them in his pocket.
he collected a lot of things from her room so they didn't have to throw it away. including his mother's clothes.
turning around to see the clothes that were on the floor, it bothered him, so he picked it up and tossed it on the bed. then, he directed his attention back to the dresser.
there were random razor blades sitting near the jewelry box, he must've missed it.
"i'd rather kill myself than do laundry." he murmured, reaching for the blade.
he didn't plan on doing anything. he just harmlessly stared at it and wondered what was so amusing about death.
what was his mom thinking about before she attempted?
after a few days, he started to understand why people thought about death. he even found himself thinking about death all day. it fogged up everything else in his mind.
and soon enough, he began to plan things. where and when he'd like to die, if it's going to be painful or quick.
and so he stopped talking to everyone, he rarely spoke to heeseung as well. not like anyone would care if he died anyway.
he just didn't want to get close to anybody.
because then, death would definitely be painful.
-
he heard that one sentence and he started to panic, "uh, i think i'm gonna go." he stood up.
but why? why was he still thinking about this plan?
he felt like hisano was magically making him forget about wanting to die, so why couldn't he just let her?
he was just as confused.
"are you breaking up with me?" she blurted, making him freeze on the spit.
"what?? of course not." he replied before realizing, "wait- what? break up?"
she shrugged, "i don't know? it seems like it, like in the movies." she said.
she began to explain, "you know.. when the guy leaves the girl all of a sudden and then she's super sad and stuff like that."
"that's not the same." he replied, letting out a heavy sigh.
hisano had yet to experience. movies and real life weren't the same. friends and lovers weren't the same either.
"it kinda is." she replied in a flat and serious tone, "because i know i'll be sad if you leave me."
it kinda freaked him out. how she said things as if she could read his mind, like she knew what he was thinking about just now.
she'd be sad if i left, huh.
"i won't leave you." he said softly.
"okay! then, sit back down." the clueless girl said. he meant it differently, as in, he wouldn't leave her permanently.
he still sat down and they spent the rest of lunch together, she went on talking about movies and her interests while he listened.
"by the way, i'm giving this to you." she handed him the small journal, "give it back tomorrow after you've written something." she grinned.
~~
hours later and school was finally over.
jungwon made his way to the rooftop of the school and headed towards the ledge, sitting dangerously with his legs dangling.
he wasn't gonna jump, of course. he just wanted to think.
he remembers back then when he wouldn't dare to do such scary activities like this.
when he looks down, he remembers the feeling. the feeling of finally not being scared anymore, even if he fell.
before
jungwon and his friends were playing around and hanging out on the rooftop like they always did.
"truth or dare." niki suggested, staring specifically at jungwon.
jake rolled his eyes, "he's going to pick truth like he always does."
"dare." jungwon said bravely.
sounds of them "ooing" as an attempt to tease him was to be heard all around the group of friends. some nudged him for being so 'brave' even though it wasn't that big of a deal.
"i dare you to walk on the ledge for 20 seconds." niki smirked evilly.
"fuck no." jungwon's voice was shaky at the thought, "that's too far..."
they teased him again, "awh, i told you. he'd eventually back out."
jungwon just gritted his teeth before standing up, "fine." he began walking to the ledge nervously.
he took a step on it and look down, he shut his eyes when he got scared, "what if i fall?" his voice trembled.
he felt a familiar feeling in his heart, it was getting heavy and it began to beat faster and faster. he thought that if he breathed too heavily, he might pass out.
the others came running towards him, ready to grab onto him if he was about to fall, "relax dude."
he began walking, hesitantly taking steps and walking on a straight line, "this is so bad." he told them. he kept breathing in and out deeply.
"look at you, you're facing your fears." jay cheered him on.
"times up." niki yelled before dragging him down by his clothing, "wow you're sooo cool." he said sarcastically.
"shut up." jungwon pushed him as they all laughed.
~~~
the few days after he moved into heeseung's apartment, after all his mom's furniture was given away, he found himself staring down from a high ledge. it was at a highway bridge where water layed below.
this time, he wasn't afraid of falling.
he was more worried about the possibility of surviving after he hit the water.
jungwon lifted his leg up bravely.
"if you wanna swim, then don't jump from here." a girl said, he put his leg down and turned his head to her.
she wore a flowy dress and a large sun hat that covered her face. she held onto a big bag of potting soil with both hands.
that girl was on the same ledge as him, walking across it with no fear. even while carrying a heavy soil bag, she didn't seem scared at all.
"what?" jungwon replied.
she just kept walking and when she was next to him, she looked down before saying, "it's too high, you will die once you hit the water."
"and you won't be able to swim!" she added, turning around and hopping off the ledge onto the pavement before continuing her journey.
he watched her figure disappear slowly, she looked like she was in a hurry. she even held her hat to make sure it didn't fall off.
his worries were answered, he won't survive once he hits the water. at least thats what she told him.
but the way she said it made dying sound not so fun anymore.
"weird." he muttered before hopping off the ledge back to the ground.
a normal person would know he was not going for a swim, a normal person would know that he was planning on taking his life.
"what a weird girl."
he repeated, but for some reason, he didn't jump that day. maybe it was because she ruined the mood.
i mean, why else would he just change his mind?
that's right.
because she bothered him.
might aswell change the title to cliff jumping or smth instead of "laundry boy" because they ALWAYS end up
looking down from some high ledge 😭😭
♡