I knew he was going to take out the rest of his anger on me soon.
But he didn't. Instead, a few hours after his meltdown, he cried on my shoulder and hugged me while apologizing constantly.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Drea, please forgive me."
My hands lay on the side of the bed as I stared at the destruction in front of me with a straight face. Broken walls, shattered glass, and the only sound in the room were his pleas and cries.
One minute he was about to force himself on me, the next he was about to hit me, then he started breaking stuff, then he started crying and begging for my forgiveness?
What the hell went wrong with my Ant? I have to figure out what drove him so mad before I escape.
And before I go mad as well.
After Antonio's little tantrum, he led us back to our bedroom.
The whole night he cradled me like some sort of baby and held me so tightly as if he thought I would evaporate into the air.
Now as sorrowful as his breakdown was, I have got more important things to worry about.
Including how the hell I'm going to leave this crazed man.
I remember that the next item on my list had some correlation to being depressed.
I honestly put that on the list to stall. That's why I've decided to simply skip it. It seemed important at the time but I don't have time to waste. However, I will be showing more of my emotions on my final days with Antonio.
I don't quite understand why I wrote "Fake Depression" when in reality I truly am suffering some unhealthy mental illnesses at the hands of my husband.
Brushing off my blatant anxiety and depression was something I was extremely good at. I would literally be on the ground having an anxiety attack because I lost my wedding ring and an hour later I would tell myself it was nothing too serious. I would spend hours in bed under the covers crying and later on, I told myself that I was just upset.
I always tended to hide my extreme distaste for my and Antonio's relationship. I would spend countless hours practicing the perfect smile in the mirror to convince Antonio that I was happy. Every time we would go out in public, I would make sure to appear contented and at peace.
I know that I am in public and have the chance to escape him, but Antonio would locate me in seconds. Plus, escaping Antionio was impossible since he held my hand in a threatening grip basically implying "Don't try anything" while countless guards were stationed all around us like a ginormous barrier.
That's why it took me a while to formulate a plan to leave my husband. It wasn't a breeze in the park to run away. I couldn't just walk out of the door and send him a wave. I also couldn't just get a divorce. That's simply not possible.
The thought of appearing distraught in our relationship when we were in public crossed my mind. But that would just make Antonio keep me inside more so speculations and rumors don't continue.
Basically, being depressed wasn't going to be an act, I would finally be dropping my act.
The happy and submissive housewife facade was no longer going to be upheld.
Although it would be quite alarming to be totally normal and then suddenly become uncooperative, this wouldn't be a problem since Antonio almost forced himself on me and I have every reason to be upset.
He won't question my sudden sadness so he won't suspect a thing.
If I finally display my dissatisfaction with my situation and stop hiding my symptoms of pure misery, Antonio will not think that I am trying anything. Or at least I hope he won't.
I mean if someone is suffering in their bed all day and being distant would you think they're planning an elaborate master-minded plan to escape their marriage?
I would hope not.
After this, I have one more thing to do next and I am free. Antonio's psycho outburst was just motivation to escape. I can't handle it anymore.
While Antonio was in the shower, I put two X's on the two items I've completed and one X on the next item on the list. The fake pregnancy scare was turning into real life but I ended up succeeding. I can't believe my body actually convinced me that I was pregnant.
After I escape the devil in the shower, I should pursue a career in acting. I've practically done it this whole horrid marriage.
The money part was going to get me in huge trouble but it ended up being the easiest item on my list. I didn't have to do any work at all.
Now I had two more things left to do before I could leave this deadly place and my fatal marriage.
I've been so miserable for so many years. But I never let my sorrow overpower me completely. I may have felt like absolute shit on the inside but I never let that affect me too much on the outside.
I lay in bed allowing all the pain I've been through to sink in. I started to fear that the depression that I've fought so hard to keep at bay may finally take over me. And although that is needed as of right now, I have a feeling that it will last longer than I desire it to.
___
"Have you heard?!" My friend Lydia randomly said in my face as I was grabbing my books from my locker. The next class I had was chemistry and the number of books I needed just for one class was totally not necessary since we only use one of those four hefty books.
I turned to my friend Lydia with a playful grin on my face. Lydia was the queen of dramatics. She made everything sound like the end of the world was about to unfold.
Lydia has been a close friend of mine since middle school and she never failed to leave a huge smile on my face. Ever since a close friend of mine suddenly disappeared after so many years, Lydia has had my back and made me happy every day.
She pushed her glasses higher up her face with her eyebrows raised.
"So have you?" She questioned with more intensity in her voice.
Now it was my turn to look confused as I curiously examined her worried expression.
"Huh?" I replied. Lydia looked like I have just asked her to solve an impossible math equation.
"Drea..." Lydia began to do gestures with her hands like that would help me figure out what the heck she was talking about.
"Oh," I said faking a look of realization.
"Yep," Lydia said flashing me a foreboding tight-lipped smile.
"Yes, I've heard." I sarcastically said matching her tone, but Lydia didn't seem to sense the sarcasm.
Her once dramatic expression quickly transferred into a worried one.
"What are you going to do? How are you feeling?" She asked me staring at me with wide eyes.
I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion at her strange interrogation. Lydia was never this nervous. Something was definitely wrong.
"Lydia I was just joking. What happened?" I anxiously rushed out.
My heartbeat was rapidly speeding up and I felt like I could pass out from the nervousness I was feeling.
A year after someone very important to me left my life, I was diagnosed with anxiety. Maybe it was because I had the fear of suddenly being left out of the blue which fueled all of my worries. Or the fear of being bullied and not having anyone to back me up. He was important to me in all aspects of my life and when he suddenly wasn't there, that was enough to leave me with daily anxiety attacks.
"You don't know, do you?" Lydia continued her mysterious line of questions and I began to grow frustrated.
"Please just spit it out."
The hallway was becoming louder and louder and I could barely hear the inaudible words she was mumbling under her breath.
"It's all over social media." She said more to herself than to me.
"You know I don't have social media. Tell me, please!"
She said something quiet that I was unable to translate.
"Sorry?"
She spoke again and I gripped my backpack tightly.
"I can't hear you, Lydia." The hallway was quickly becoming quieter.
"He's back, Drea." Lydia said with knowing eyes as if she expected me to know who "He" is.
I opened my mouth to ask her who she was talking about when the once noisy hallway was silent in an instant.
The only sound being heard throughout the hallway was the sound of shoes and hushed voices.
Lydia turned her head around to examine the hallway and immediately stiffened when something caught her eye. I heard a small gasp and she turned around to face me. She threw me a look of pity
"Lydia?" I whispered with unease laced in my voice.
She grabbed my hand and apprehensively looked at me and around us.
I pulled my neck to see what exactly grabbed everyone's attention. My school was very loud and on every corner you took, loud jumbled voices echoed through the halls. For the obnoxious students to be this quiet, something had to be very out of place.
My breath got stuck in my throat when a tall and intimidating person came into my line of view. His shirt stuck to his muscles like a second skin.
There was no denying that he was very handsome. Although most of the girls in the hallway looked at him with fear, there was also a hint of interest in the scary and mysterious boy who silenced our school the moment he stepped foot into it.
I felt as though I should be afraid of him. He had scars and marks littered all over his body and a deep frown embedded in his hypnotizing face. But there was a sense of warmth he radiated and he felt similar to me.
He looked eerily familiar to someone that I'd locked away from my heart years ago and I refused to think of him as I eyed the alluring boy.
As he neared closer and closer to me I could see more of his features and I took in a sharp breath of air when I realized who he was.
He had always been beautiful. Tan skin, dark hair, dark eyes, and a small mole right under his chin that was only noticeable when he was very close. He was my everything. My best friend and only friend, my crush, and most importantly, my future.
But then he was gone. With absolutely no word. He disappeared and never contacted me again.
Sad was an understatement for how I felt. I felt like he didn't care about me and got bored of me. I was only the tender age of 11 when he suddenly disappeared. I had no clue as to why he did it or where he went.
I was very young so I assumed the worst. I thought he hated me and wanted to leave me. I thought I was too annoying and nerdy for him. I thought maybe even my braces were too unappealing for him. Every thought to justify his disappearance was negative and left me feeling more insecure than ever.
We had so much fun together a week before his disappearance. We went to every place in our town that I've ever wanted to go to. That's why I knew his leave wasn't sudden. He knew he was leaving and he never informed me.
He made me so attached to him. I latched onto him and I was with him all the time. I was dependent on him completely and then he vanished.
We made a bucket list of things we wanted to do together in the future and went to most of the places in less than a week. Some with our parents and some by ourselves.
He even promised me that there would be more adventures to come. But then he left a week after summer break started.
I thought that the trips we went on were the first of many that we would have during the summer. Little did I know, they were the last.
I remember calling him at least forty times in an hour. His number and his parent's numbers were unavailable.
I had a panic attack when he didn't pick up and cried so hard.
I then went to his house. I knocked on the door with my eyes blurred with tears and no one ever opened it.
I sat on his doorsteps for hours in hopes that his parent's car will pull up in the driveway. Then we'll run-up to each other and hug and he will assure me that he will never, ever leave me.
He will tell me that we will be best friends forever and we will go hunting for ants while planning on what film to watch when we are done.
But obviously, that never happened. I was left in the cold rain crying like a newborn baby until my mother found me.
The worst part was that I could have had a heads up that he was leaving.
He left me a letter the night before he left but I lost it. I thought it was just one of the many notes he left me but as I grew up, I realized that it could have been a letter to say goodbye.
Even if he did do that it still was not okay to never speak to me again. He didn't answer a single call and did not make an effort to reach out.
And now here he was, more handsome than ever. I didn't realize I was crying until a tear fell onto my binder.
He broke my heart like it's never been broken before.
Gone.
He was gone before our summer even started and he left me with nobody.
I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him but right at this moment, I hated him more than ever.
How can he just leave not only me but everyone he ever knew in this town without a single word? He was mature enough, being a child wasn't an excuse to never speak to your best friend again. And now here he is, waltzing until school like he didn't crush my soul and leave me in the dark for years on end.
I always picked up every phone call I ever got from an unknown number hoping that it was him. Whenever I would hear even the faintest sound on my window, I would one hundred percent believe that it was him. Everywhere I went, I thought I might run into him. The number of times I've seen a boy with dark hair and thought it could be him was more times than I'd like to admit.
He stared straight ahead until his eyes locked with mine.
I probably look horrible right now. My nose was probably as red as Rudolph and my face was puffy. I scolded myself for wasting my tears on someone that doesn't have as much love for me as I did for them.
Whenever I went out in public I always tried to look my best in case I run into my long-lost best friend. But that never happened so I eventually gave up.
My lips quivered as he stared into my eyes, recognition evident.
He stopped walking once he stood in front of me.
Lydia observed my face while mouthing something incoherent.
I let go of her hands as he stared at our interlocked fingers with some sort of look of anger or maybe even jealousy.
I stared up at the boy I used to love. There was once a time when we were almost close in height. Now he stood at least a foot taller than me.
His eyes held no emotion and neither did his face. All eyes were on us as we silently interacted.
So much has changed about him. Everything about him seemed devoid of any feelings. He was wearing all black and he looked at me almost as if I was nobody to him.
He was taller than ever. He had muscles, a lot of muscles. His eyes looked darker than they used to.
"Ant." I softly spoke.
After muttering the sacred nickname that I've given him from our many amazing years spent together, his hardened face softened. He closed his eyes tightly and breathed in. He ran his hand over his buzz-cut head that once had so much thick and magnificent hair.
I reached out my hand to touch him. It has been so long.
Too long.
Antonio Ricci.
The boy of my dreams now stood in front of me and I had no clue how to feel.
I was about to hug him. I was about to forgive him and catch up with him and finally hold my best friend in my arms again when he abruptly walked right past me.
His shoulders roughly brushed past mine and I bumped into my locker painfully.
I whipped my head around eying his retreating figure as my heart ached like never before.
My heart clenched tightly in my chest as he continued to walk on like he didn't even know me. Like the years we spent together as kids were just nothing but a waste of time to him.
I stared behind me as he stormed away. Students in the middle of the hall ran scaredly off to the side to clear the path for him.
As he descended down the halls, I felt my heartbreak once again. Like he was leaving me once again.
"I heard his father died or something while he was gone." A random voice said.
"He was jumped into a gang...that's why he's got all those painful scars."
"I'm pretty sure he's in some sort of illegal business."
All of the disgusting words being spread went through one ear and out of the other as my skin burned with tears.
Quite chatters of assumptions and rumors began to spread through the hallways.
I've had enough of hearing about all the awful things that could have happened to him while he was gone.
I threw my books into my locker and practically slapped my tears away. I held my stomach when a wave of nausea rushed through me.
I ran off towards the bathroom as Lydia followed behind me occasionally asking me if I was okay. Wondering eyes stared at me making assumptions about me and Antonio's relationship as if I couldn't hear them.
___
I didn't even realize I was dreaming until I abruptly woke up with my back against the bed while Antonio's face came into view.
I don't remember falling asleep but I'm assuming I fell asleep against the headrest of the bed.
That dream was another memory of mine that I've had with Antonio. That day should have been the first warning of how messed up he was after he came back from Italy.
I was ready to forgive him and shower him with the love I was unable to give after his years of being gone, and he didn't even spare me a glance.
Now I know that his leave to Italy must have been traumatic for him since I learned that he was in very illegal businesses a few years after his return. But I wonder what happened, specifically, to turn him into an abusive and terribly wicked person.
Antonio swore that he would never hurt me.
So what changed?
He held my face in his hands as he stared deep into my eyes. I brought my hand up to my cheeks to wipe away the tears that must have fallen in my sleep.
"What's wrong?" He asked me and I closed my eyes so that I could roll them without being scolded.
I opened my eyes back again and took a deep breath in.
"Nothing. Just a bad dream." I did not want to even look at Antonio after the resurfacing of that memory, let alone speak to him.
We laid back on the bed and I fell asleep again as he feathered kisses along my exposed back.
I woke up again not even a minute later with Antonio holding my jaw so tightly.
"What did you dream about?" His eyes were dark. Very dark and I could tell he was upset about something. But I was tired so I pushed his hands off of me and turned away from him. I held my pillow tightly in my hands.
I couldn't even remember my dream and here he was all in my face in the middle of the night asking me silly questions.
I heard Antonio release a deep sigh as if he was trying to calm himself down before he got upset. He grabbed my waist painfully hard and laid a kiss on my shoulder that felt like acid. He didn't move his lips from there and trailed his kisses up to my neck.
"What the fuck did you dream about, Drea." He squeezed my waist tightly and bit down on my neck.
"Stop!"
"Dimmi." I tried to move away from him when he sunk his teeth into my shoulder.
He squeezed my waist so tightly that I felt like I couldn't even breathe under his vice grip.
"I don't remember!" I shivered against him.
"Okay." He simply said.
I did not feel any movement behind me and wanted to relax but my fear still remained.
My breathing was erratic and I was clearly shaking as he kept his tight hold on me.
I was not prepared for the pain that I felt sear through my body. Antonio held my waist so tight that his fingernails dug into my skin drawing blood. His other hand stuck something in my neck. It was a syringe.
I began to feel pain all over but couldn't voice out how much agony overtook me as my screams turned into whimpers.
"What the hell," I mumbled as fatigue took over me.
Antonio injected me with something. Something that was making me feel so much pain and dizziness.
"You dreamed about leaving me, si?"
"Never..." My mouth felt like it was overflowing with jello and my body felt like slime.
"Whats that notebook you were going on about tesoro? Do you have a little picture book? Or is it a diary about how much you want to leave me?"
That sobered me up a little and my sloping head shot up.
Antonio was now circling around the bed, pacing like a maniac as his fists clenched and unclenched repeatedly.
"I don't know mi amor. I heard something about deactivating wifi...does that sound familiar to you tesoro?" His playful and calm tone was making me fear the worst.
"Bella donna. Mente stupid." He tsked. I began to fall in and out of consciousness and couldn't exactly wrap my brain around the words he was saying.
"So much beauty, but absolutely no fucking brain." He chuckled.
"I don't understand." My faint voice replied.
"You thought you could leave me? What was that silly little phrase you were going on about?" He asked.
He stopped pacing and looked up at the ceiling as if he was in deep thought.
"Ahh. Anti-Antonio, was it?"
My brain was exploding but my body lay limp. I couldn't move a single muscle and I felt paralyzed.
"Here is what we're going to do. We're going to wait until the chemicals wear off, and then you're going to explain everything to me before things get more violent than intended."
My head slumped onto my shoulder as my eyes followed Antonio's movements. He grabbed my weak hands and tied them to the headboard. He did the same to my legs. My attempts at fighting back failed as I just flapped around frailly.
I could barely even move.
After he made sure I was secured to the bed, he left for a long time and my brain was a jumbled mess. I had so many questions but didn't even know where to start or how to think.
My mind felt like liquid starch.
My eyelids felt heavy and my body still hurt like hell.
Moments later Antonio returned with something long in his hands. If I was in control of my body I would have widened my eyes at the sight.
In Antonio's hands held a long taser. The type of taser that felt as if killer bees were inside your body individually leaving stingers in every part of your organs.
Antonio told me all about it. He informed me about how he used it on the people he tortured in his dungeon.
My numb lips finally got some feeling in them.
"Please," I begged in the tiniest voice.
The taser lit up the room as Antonio turned it on.
"Speak." He left no room for a single word to be said when he shoved the taser right into my belly drawing the loudest cry I've ever cried in my life.
He removed it from my belly.
"Don't do this." I pleaded with tears blurring my vision. He turned up the mode of the taser and it shined brighter than before.
He shoved the torture device into my belly again and I felt my soul leave my body.
My cries echoed in the silent room as the torture began.