This truly is it. Thank you for all the love, the tears, and the community we've had the pleasure of creating and experiencing together. I love you all so dearly. Thank you.
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It had been a long time since I'd felt any sense of normalcy. Today marked 2 years since Lilliana had passed, thus meaning it had been nearly two years since everything fell apart. Jake never came back, nor did Danny, and Josh... he kind of just shut off. He lived just a block away from Sam and I's house, but he'd been off on a silent retreat for what felt like forever. He'd truly gone mad, and I don't blame him. Greta Van Fleet as a band had fallen apart, and as a family, they'd completely dissipated, leaving The Peaceful Army to fend for themselves. I still, to this day, have journalists showing up at my house demanding answers on what had happened, but I'm legally bound to not share our story -sorry- Lilli's story. All they know is that the band broke up for personal reasons and that the boys are all still on good terms. It might not be true, but in this case, ignorance is bliss. The fans don't need to feel the pain that Sam and I feel every day. We, as a business, as a family, couldn't do that to them.
As for Sam and I... well, see for yourself.
"Did they go down okay?" I asked as Sam collapsed onto our shared bed, rolling over to curl into his chest once he'd settled himself under the covers.
"Yeah, they miss you though," he nodded, a familiar yet spacey look in his eyes.
"They're not even 2. They won't remember who tucked them in each night when they're older," I defended, immediately pulling myself away from my husband and crossing my arms over my chest.
"They need a mom, Bella."
"Well, I'm not their mom," I snapped, "and you aren't their dad. They're going to realize that at some point."
The brunette boy merely sighed, knowing that this wasn't a fight he'd ever win.
"Listen, I know today is hard for you but... I- I just wish you cared a bit more," he shrugged, pulling his shirt over his head before turning off his light and relaxing on the mattress.
"I do care, I ju-"
"You don't, though," he dryly chuckled, sitting right back up from his laid position.
"You know I do," I defended, my voice raising a bit louder.
"I know you care about them as people, but they're our kids now. You should care for them like they're your own. Ever since Jake left, I-"
"Ever since Jake left, I've felt nothing, Sam. You know that. I've tried and tried and fucking tried to pull myself together, but I can't do it. I can't care for them because, quite frankly, nothing fucking matters to me anymore," I rambled, trying to keep my voice quiet, "and I hate myself for it. You know I fucking hate myself for it."
"It's not your fault. You have to realize that," he sighed, pulling me into him after I flicked my light off.
"But isn't it though?" I softly cried, "I'm the one who yelled at him that day. I told him he was a coward; that he was selfish. I basically gave him an ultimatum. Doesn't that make it my fault?"
"No. He's an adult. He made his choice. That's not on you, baby," Sam consoled, carefully wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"I guess," I sighed, rolling over to avoid Sam's face as I tried to cut the conversation off.
He didn't question it. This seemed to be the way our nights ended recently.
"Do you hate him?" Sam sadly whispered after a couple of minutes had gone by.
"What?" I sighed, rolling back over to see him sitting up, fiddling with his thumbs.
"Jake. Do you hate him?" he reiterated, his big, sad eyes meeting my tired ones.
"Yeah," I groaned as I sat up, "I hate him for leaving every single day of my goddamn life."
"I don't think I could ever hate him. Is that fucked up?" he said, tears rolling down his face.
"No. He's your brother. You couldn't even if you tried to," I smiled, leaning into him, "If it makes it better, I don't hold it against him; I mean, I understand why he did what he did."
"Yeah?" he perked up.
"Yeah," I sniffled, "I see her in their faces every time they laugh, every time they cry, every time they call my name. I see her, and it fucking tears me apart, so I could never hold it against him... I guess I miss him more than I hate him if I'm behind honest."
"I really fucking miss him, Bel," Sam sighed, "I text him every day, but-"
"He never answers?" I interrupted, "Yeah, I know. I left him a voicemail every day for a year straight."
"Really?" he chuckled.
"Yeah," I admitted, "I just couldn't bear him and Lilli being gone. Knowing that there was a possibility that he was hearing my messages kind of kept me going for a bit there."
"I miss her. If she were here she'd smack him upside the head and tell him to stop being fucking idiot," he laughed.
"Oh, no. She'd be more devious about it. She'd change his ringtone to some Beiber song and then call him non-stop for two days until he had no choice but to come back," I giggled in response.
"Please tell me that's based on a true story."
"Mhm," I smiled, "first year of college; she did that to her ex."
"God," Sam laughed, "she really was the best, huh?"
"Pretty fucking close to perfect, if you ask me," I smiled, glancing at the framed photo of the 7 of us I had on my nightstand.
"Forever," I whispered to Sam as I leaned my head atop his, quoting our wedding vows.
"Forever," he assured, picking up my head and placing a small kiss on the back of it, "do you ever think that none of this would've happened if you hadn't interviewed me that day?"
"Sometimes," I nodded, gently rubbing my thumb across his calloused fingers.
"Yeah... but I guess we got lucky," he murmured.
"Not even a little bit," I laughed, poking his ribs.
"No, no," he chuckled, "I mean; out of the literal depths of hell, somehow we survived with two beautiful baby boys, and I got to marry my soulmate."
"It's not luck," I mumbled into his hair as I kissed his head, "but maybe it's fate."
"Yeah," he breathed, "cause' something brought us back together. We were literally miles apart, and by some grace of god, we ended up in the same place on the same day, and now we're here. I'd say that's fate."
"Some sort of cursed destiny we have, hm?" I chuckled.
"I guess so," he laughed, "but it's never really been easy for us, has it?"
"Not once," I sighed, repositioning my head against the crook of his neck.
"I miss them," he muttered, gently rubbing my arms.
"Mh, me too," I sighed, "Leo said Jake's name the other day."
"Yeah?"
"Well, kind of. He said 'guitar dad,' while I was showing him videos of the Troubadour show," I chuckled, my heart aching for their father.
"It's good you're letting them see who he was. It's better they have a good image of him than the one that we have," Sam sighed, pulling the blankets up over the two of us.
"Is this ever going to get easier?" I asked, letting my eyes fall shut.
"Probably not," he admitted cuddling into me, "but at least we have each other."
"I love you," I mumbled, letting the words roll off my tongue like a promise.
"I love you too, Bel."
I tried to accept the comfort of our current position, ignoring the notion that something seemed unspoken, because lately between Sam and I, everything seemed simply implied, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut.
"Hey, Sam?" I muttered after a few minutes of soft breaths and fidgeting.
"Yeah, baby?"
"Thank you for sticking around this time," I said, my brows furrowed in fear that I might have angered him.
"Leaving you all those years ago was the worst mistake of my life. I'm never going anywhere... not even if our cursed destiny depends on it," he chuckled, and for the first time in forever, I felt a weight lift off my chest, almost like everything that had happened was finally over. The 2-year war I'd been battling, the blame, the hurt; it had all evaporated, and even if Jake was gone, if Lilli was never coming back, I could finally feel okay.
It had been a long time since I'd felt any sense of normalcy, but maybe "normal" was never meant for me. I mean, if I could go back and stop all the bad things from happening, would I? Yeah, in a heartbeat, but if it meant that I wouldn't have Sam... well that's an ultimatum I've been pondering a lot lately.
But the answer is futile, because these are the cards I've been dealt. I don't need an answer anymore, all I have are choices...
And we all made our choice.