𝐑𝐘𝐀𝐍
Taking a walk with Willow and Cosmo, her half brother's little pug after her visit to ours to hangout with Elsie stirred more questions in me but I also relaxed. I'd underestimated why everyone found the advice Willow gave them so eye opening. But I wouldn't say that it changed anything in me other than confusing me –in a weird – but good way. She saw right through me and asked if anything was wrong.
So I shockingly let some things slip out. I told her about a girl. A girl that I have the strongest feelings towards and about the same girl I want to get my revenge on. The things I've planned are beyond me and I know I can't go through with them. I will kill myself amongst my revenge and kill her too.
Willow wasn't like Celine and the reason I felt something towards Willow a few years ago when I saw her that night waiting for her mom all alone in the dark, after school, was because in a way she looked so much like Celine. But I knew Willow belonged to Sargent and I realised that I'd never even actually liked her.
Celine was the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen. I grew up with her and she grew up with me. She went from being my cute friend that I loved to have around to the woman I'd imagined waking up to every morning. She was something I'd never get enough of but like everything, good things always come to an end and she ended it all by turning into a snake.
Willow told me to let go of things, to let go of everything holding my real feelings back but what she didn't tell me is how I can do all that.
"If you love her, you can move on Ryan. Love and hate are the same but love will always be more than hate" she'd said and I'd scoffed.
Celine is unrecognisable to me now. Is she even the same girl I fell in love with?
What remains is my feelings, her eyes, the same eyes that looked away every time I looked at her.
Once upon a time I wished for her to love me forever. Now I just wish that I'd never loved her because now I can't seem to stop. No matter what she did to me, to us, to my mom.
I locked the door behind me as I entered the living room, spotting Elsie among a pile of photos from the years and she greeted me with a smile as I picked up a photo of me, Finn and Celine.
This was the photo taken on the day that I had my first kiss with her. It was her first kiss too. But she never knew that it was my first kiss. In the photo her blushed face looked up at me while I laughed at a joke Finn had said. Her eyes sparkled up at me and I wished I could take out the image of her beaten up face and broken eyes from the doomed day that separated us for good.
Why did you lie? Why. Just why. I loved you. I still do.
"She's so pretty" Elsie said and I looked away, not saying anything as I threw the photo back from where I picked it up.
I sat down on the couch next to her and she put her head on my shoulder. Looking at a picture of our mom.
I closed my eyes and let out a sigh.
I can't get Celine out of my head. She's in everything. Everywhere.
"Fuck it!" I muttered rather loudly and scared Elsie.
"Where are you going?!" she yells after me but I can't respond before the door closes behind me.
I need answers. I need something. She needs to tell me something.
Make me hate you again.
When she was away, it was easy to hate her. But now she's here and I can't hate her. I need to hate her or I'll forgive her.
Fuck I can't do that to myself. She broke me. I have to get back on her for the things she took away from me.
I stopped in front of the familiar porch and knocked loudly on the door.
I looked up and found all of the lights off but her car was in the driveway. She must be home or maybe she's taking a walk like she always does around nighttime?
Please just be home.
𝐂𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄
The loud knocking on the door woke me up and it hurt to move. The dried blood on my hands was the first thing I noticed and I realised that I had passed out after my mental breakdown. The cuts on my hip hurt and I slowly got up to open the door and see who the knocking person was.
It was painful to walk and I understood that I'd cut too deep this time and there was still blood dripping down my hip – thank god I picked up the hoodie before coming down. I opened the door and saw the person I least expected about to walk away. He turned around once he heard that I opened the door and the moment he found my eyes I felt the same things I always felt when he was around.
Longing, excitement, happiness and the strongest of them all – love.
God I love you Ry.
"I-" the words froze in my throat and I couldn't say anything.
Was there even anything to say?
He walked towards me, getting even closer, "I'm going to ask you for the last time. Please be honest with me" he started and I trembled. Don't, I wanted to say, don't start something now, it's been too long don't. Just hate me.
The words never came and he continued, "Tell me the truth. Why? Why did you do this, Celine? Why did you send me to jail? Why did you do that to us?" he asked, his voice was filled with desperation and I let out a cry under my palm at his tone. My hand stayed over my mouth, closing in anything that would slip out.
"I-" I looked at his eyes and I saw it all. Something I couldn't give him. The truth. He wanted something to hold on to and oh god I want to tell you everything Ry. I would do anything to make you look at me the same way you always did. But I can't lose Miles. They will kill him and I can't lose more people.
"I can't tell you anything other than the things you already know" I tell, desperate to make him let go.
He looked at me with lost eyes, "That's the thing! I don't know any fucking thing, Celine!" his voice killed me and he came closer, so close.
"Tell me. Everything." he whispered, his face not far from mine. His eyes begged me and I couldn't stand looking into them for too long.
My body hurt and I could feel the blood oozing down the cuts the more I talked and shook. I was trembling and Ryan gave me a concerned look.
"I- I can't tell you. I can't do that to-" my voice grew weaker and the world started spinning.
"Celine? Are you okay?" concern coated his face and he put his hand on my shoulder to keep me steady but that didn't help me from passing down onto his chest.
"Celine! What the hell?!" No. He smelled it. He smelled the awful blood. Why am I bleeding so much this time? This was not supposed to happen. I didn't mean to cut so deep.
His cold fingers felt like fire against my skin as he moved my hoodie upwards and his eyes widened, finding my eyes.
"No. Why? Why would you do this?" I tried to speak but my eyes were too heavy. Please just leave me. You weren't supposed to find out. You can't do this to us now. Don't care about me, Ry.
Leave me, Ry. Because I can never leave you.