"I'd never lost it all till I lost you. But I was much too reckless and I broke your heart in two."
- Secondhand Serenade (Lost - Acoustic, 2017)
___________
Y/N's POV
My eyes followed her emerald ones as she looked at me with disgust. I could feel the disappointment in them, hoping I was someone else. My heart shattered as I could no longer recognize the person I fell in love with. A single tear escaped my eyes, my walls closing in, leaving me no room to move. There's absolutely nothing in this world I wouldn't do for her, but she wanted something I couldn't do. I couldn't be. She wanted me to be him, and there wasn't anything I could do but watch her love someone else.
I thought it was going to be me. Us. But, here I am, from afar as years have gone by, and I was left with nothing but witnessing her build a life with him. Then, the day came. Invitations were sent out, and I received one myself. I shouldn't go. I would be breaking my own heart. But, I didn't have the courage in me. And so, I went.
I didn't make it to the ceremony in time. From afar, I watched as the people cheered them on, throwing flower petals in celebration of their unity, the smiles on their faces said it all. Her smile made my heart ache. I've never felt true heartbreak until this very moment, where I have to accept the fact that this is it. I have to let her go. She saw something in him that she wasn't sure of with me. A future.
I gasped for air as my body jolted into consciousness. Sweat covered every inch of my body as tears streamed out of my eyes naturally like they were meant to. I couldn't breathe, and it feels as though, the harder I tried, the more it was hurting me. An indescribable sensation stirred inside of me, setting me up for failure of my own emotion.
On the verge of a panic attack, I turned on the light, and grabbed my phone. I called the first person that popped into my head, my breathing becoming more and more erratic as I'm waiting for the other line to connect.
"Hey, is everyth—"
"Can you please come to my apartment?" I said in between sobs. "I-I-I, uh, I don't know w-what to do and I'm feeling so much."
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes."
I dropped my phone somewhere under my sheet. I laid back down, muffling the sound of my own cries, wondering what triggered me to dream something that felt so real. The pain that followed, and how I seem to attract it everywhere I go, made me realize how badly I've been avoiding my own past. It finally caught up to me once again.
I don't know how long I've been drinking inside of my dark living room. The tears that dried over time made it feel like it was long ago since I stopped. A knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts. I sluggishly made my way toward the door, barely having enough energy to lift my hand and pull it open.
"I'm sorry I took so long."
I looked at her with my bloodshot red eyes. I thought I could control it. I thought maybe it would take some time for me to break down again. But, as I stood in front of her, I came crashing down. She pulled me into a comforting hug, offering every bit of solace she could give. No one understood my pain better than her. She has seen it all.
Eventually, I managed to calm down. A little slouched over, I tried maintaining my composure as I sat on the couch, buying myself some time before I had to explain as to why I called her at two in the morning. I closed my eyes shut for a second to muster enough courage to speak.
"I feel like I've been erased." My voice cracked, a single tear escaping my eye. "It's just gone. Everything we said. Everything we did. It's like it didn't happen. And I don't know... what to do or what to feel."
"Feel all of it. There's no rule book on how to handle something like this." Rosie said softly as she held my hand for comfort.
"No, even logistically." I sniffled my tears back. "Is she the same person I loved? Do I keep going? Maybe I should... maybe I shouldn't. We just keep getting separated."
I looked at my hands, frustrated at all my mistakes in the past, and how everything could've been easily avoided. Especially her accident. Here I am again, at the same place I fought so hard to get out of.
"I shouldn't have taken so long to realize that it was her all along. I never should've left Hawaii, then maybe none of this would've happened. I would've proposed and we would've been married. She wouldn't have forgotten about me. About us."
Rosie understood the pain of it all. She was the only person that witnessed everything six years ago. The aftermath of Lizzie's sacrifice, and me leaving to go to London. She has seen it all. All different aspects of my pain, and how I healed and been broken down by it multiple times. Just like before, she stayed by my side through it all.
_______
The next couple of days were a little rough, but with the help of my friends, and their supportive ways, I managed to get out of the hole I fell in because of my sudden nightmare. Neither one of us have made contact with each other since I let her go. I don't know when it happened, but I stopped hoping for her to reach out to me.
When I realized that my nightmare four days ago was a mere obstacle to my path for healing, that was when I was able to stop beating myself up for it. And eventually, I'm myself again. I got my work done, and surrounded myself around my friends.
We often visited Club Echo a lot since our long awaited night out together. As persistent as they can be, they didn't let me be alone in my own thoughts even though I was okay. I understood where they were coming from, so every chance we got, we would go out at night and celebrate minor achievements, and drink our night away.
Last night was unlike no other. It was Athena's birthday, and we drank to our hearts content. Shots after shots, and it came to a point where we lost count on how much we took. We stopped counting when we hit double digits. Needless to say, I drank more than I could handle and I'm facing the consequences now. Here I am, waking up with a really bad hangover.
I stood in front of my bathroom mirror, splashing my face with cold water to feel better. But, it wasn't doing much, so I hopped into the shower and turned the knob all the way to the right. I don't usually take cold showers, but I need to. Luckily, by the end of it, it lessened the pain of my hangover by a lot.
After my cold shower, I made my way to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. I opened the fridge, scanning my options. I haven't gone grocery shopping, so my options were very limited. When nothing caught my attention, I opted for some water and planned to make myself some peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
But, before I could make myself some, a gentle knock on the door pulled my attention. I walked toward it, and opened it slowly. My eyes widened when I saw who's standing before me.
"Hey." I greeted her quietly. "What brings you here?"
"I saw that it was Athena's birthday yesterday, and I figured you drank more than you should've so I got you these..." She handed me a brown paper bag. "It's bagels. It's good for curing hangovers. Someone I lo— you'll like it."
I drew a faint smile, "Thank you." We stood, a little awkwardly in front of each other, the silence winning against us, "Do you want to come in?"
"Will that be okay?"
"I offered, didn't I?" I joked, gesturing for her to get inside.
"I'm sorry I stopped by suddenly." Lizzie mumbled softly. "I didn't get much sleep last night."
"Is everything okay?"
She sighed exasperatedly, "Well, Christmas is just around the corner, and I haven't bought my family gifts yet. I have no idea what to get them."
I took a generous bite of the bagels, "Waiting until the last minute, I see." I chuckled, teasing her a bit.
Lizzie shook her head, "It's not like I wanted to. I'm not very good when it comes to gift giving, which is partly why I'm here." She dragged out her words, afraid to ask me her longing question. "If you're not busy today, I was wondering if you want to tag along, and help me?"
"Only if you say please."
A faint smile appeared on her face as she fluttered her sparkling eyes at me, "Please?"
"I guess I'll go with you."
"Yes, thank you!" She cheered excitedly. "Are you going somewhere for the holidays?"
I shrugged, "I was going to fly to Italy to go see my parents, but they're pretty busy with work even during the holidays, so it wouldn't make sense for me to go."
"That's good." Lizzie said a little too fast, catching herself off guard. "Oh, shit, I don't mean it like that. I mean like, yeah it sucks that you don't get to see your family and everything, and you must miss them a lot right? But the timing has been crazy, and it's uh... why are you laughing at me?"
"It's because you're rambling." I teased. "But, I understand what you mean. You didn't need to give me a five minute monologue."
She rolled her eyes playfully, "You like to exaggerate don't you? But, anyway, the reason why I said it's good is because my parents wanted me to invite you to spend the holidays with us. I mean, obviously, you don't have to go. You're not obligated to go and you don't even have to show up at all. I get it. You might have plans, and I wouldn't want to—"
I interjected, "I would love to go."
A smile lit up her face, "Really?"
I nodded, "Yeah. And besides, Christmas with the Olsens is always fun. I always end up singing in some way,"
"Funny you said that because my dad told me to tell you that you'll definitely be singing a few songs."
"It wouldn't be a fun night without my beautiful voice." I flaunted, earning a laugh from her.
"It really wouldn't."
For a moment, our eyes connected toward each other. It seemed like forever ago the last time we ever looked at each other like this. A simple, fleeting moment of nothing but pure genuine connection. And despite our differences, something's never changed.
I cleared my throat, interrupting our moment, "I'm going to get ready. I'll be out in a few."
As soon as I was alone in my room, I leaned my back against the door, feeling the fast paced beating of my heart. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, hoping to gain some type of control, not letting myself fall back into my old ways the second I started to see a little bit of hope. I have to control myself.
I took my time getting ready. It wasn't because I didn't know what to wear or there wasn't anything that caught my eye. I guess I'm kind of stalling. Seeing her at my apartment, and possibly spending a couple of hours with her was the last thing I expected. It's taking me a little bit of time adjusting to things changing so suddenly.
But, eventually, I was done. Satisfied with how I look, I joined her in the living room, where she sat on the couch comfortably as she's occupied with her phone. I almost wanted to go back to my room for no apparent reason, but when she looked up, and saw me, I froze. Suddenly, my nerves flared up, and it felt like I'm speaking in front of a thousand people.
"Took you long enough." Lizzie teased. "I like your outfit."
"Thank you." I mumbled under my breath, feeling a bit nervous. "Ready to go?"
Lizzie nodded, and soon enough, we began to make our way outside to where my car is parked. I opened the car door for her so she could get in. She gave me a thankful smile before I closed it. It felt nice doing something so simple as that. I made my way to my side, buckled myself in, and diverted my attention to her.
"Where are we going?"
"I actually have no idea." Lizzie said shyly. I drew a surprised expression, but before I could say anything, she interjected, "I know, I know. This is what I was talking about. I don't know what to get for my family."
I shook my head, "Clearly."
She groaned, her hand touching my arm, "Please, help me."
We stared into each other's eyes once more, "Okay." I had to look away to gather myself for a second. "Well, let's start with what they want. Is there anything that you think they might want?"
She thought about it for a moment, "My mom has been wanting to buy a new air fryer since the one she had broke. And as for my dad, he's always complaining about not having a better reclined chair, so...."
"There you go!" I said. "We can stop by Target for the air fryer, but I don't know if they'll have the reclined chair."
"Sounds like a plan." She flashed me a smile.
A simple gesture was more than enough to make me feel special. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. And when I try to think about a specific moment, it always leads me back to her. All of my absolute favorite memories consist of her, and there isn't anything I could say or do against what my heart already knew.
_______
When we arrived at Target, I went ahead and grabbed a cart. I followed Lizzie aisle to aisle, and seemingly enough she's always getting distracted by the little things. It's quite adorable actually. It's like watching a little kid enter a store surrounded by their favorite candy. The bright smile she has on her face about the things that caught her attention, it was heartwarming to me.
Every once in a while, she would casually call out to me, asking for my opinion about whether or not she should get the item she picked up. It doesn't really matter though because even if I was to go against her decision, she has already made a choice. But, I still felt special nonetheless.
It made me feel very nostalgic. I thought a lot about the times we would go grocery shopping, and how lenient she was with her choices. I wouldn't really say much. I let her decide on everything. I didn't mind not having much of a say considering that it didn't really matter to me. I wanted to make her happy, and it's pretty obvious that the little simple things such as picking out which fruit to buy made her ecstatic.
"It's funny how we came here for an air fryer and we left with a thousand of miscellaneous items." I teased, wheeling the cart to the parking lot.
"Are you really shopping if you're not getting things you didn't really plan on buying?" She laughed. "But, most of these things I need. And a few things for Maya's gift."
"Point taken."
"She's been asking me about what you're getting her for Christmas."
I helped her put the plastic bags behind my trunk, "I already have an idea. But, I'm not telling you."
Lizzie scoffed, "Why not?"
"It's a secret. You'll see when the day comes." I closed the trunk. "And also, not to brag or anything, but I already know what to get everyone in your family for gifts."
"How?"
I shrugged, starting the car, "I know them enough to know the stuff they like. Even your brothers. Well, actually that's a bit of a lie. MK had to help me out with that one."
I buckled up, but before I could leave the parking lot, I realized how her mood immediately changed. I put the car back in park, "Is everything okay?"
"Uh, yeah." Lizzie shakes it off. "I just... MK and I, we got into an argument a couple of days ago about—" She stopped and stared at me before looking elsewhere, "We haven't spoken since then."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
"Yeah, I hope that we can put our differences aside and get along during the holidays."
I gave her a smile, "I'm sure you guys will. But, anyway, I think we need to go to IKEA for the reclined chair because there's no place I could think of for it."
"I'll go wherever you go." Lizzie muttered under her breath as she put on her seatbelt.
_______
I stopped to wait for the light to turn green. I stole a quick glance at Lizzie, and found her bobbing her head to the beat of the song playing on the radio. I smiled, and turned up the volume since it was playing quietly. She matched my energy and beamed me a smile of her own as she started to sing-along to it, throwing in a couple of her dorky dance moves I love so much.
"No matter what your friends try to tell ya
We were made to fall in love
And we will be together, any kind of weather
It's like that, it's like that..."
Lizzie sang along, making me laugh. As the chorus is approaching, I decided to jump in with her.
"Every little step I take
You will be there
Every little step I make
We'll be together..."
We laughed in unison at our playful antics. I didn't even realize that the light turned green until the cars behind me started honking. She laughed at my lack of spatial awareness of the road before I proceeded to drive.
"You know that was your fau—" Her stomach making the most monstrous sound made me stop talking. "Someone's hungry."
"I didn't really have breakfast."
"Let's go get something to eat before we go to IKEA." I suggested. "Wouldn't want you to faint or anything. Then, I'd have to carry you on my back again."
Lizzie shook her head as she diverted her attention to the window, admiring the buildings we passed by. What felt like a predetermined path, here I am finding myself driving us to the taco truck we love so much. I didn't know it at first, but as soon as I made a left turn, it all came very clear to me. It was like my heart led me here without my mind knowing.
"How'd you know?" Lizzie asked. "I've been craving tacos all week. It's like you read my mind."
"Isn't that your job?" I joked. "Miss Scarlet Witch."
Lizzie chuckled, "Haha, I see what you did there."
We ordered the same food as last time. It seems like we're regulars here considering that one of the cooks remembered us even though we haven't been here in so long. But, oddly enough, the owner seemed to know Lizzie very well as they were both speaking Spanish to each other when I was looking for an open table.
"You two know each other?" I asked, pointing behind her.
"Oh, yeah." Lizzie answered. "I came here often."
"You did?"
"Yeah, I love their tacos so much." She took a generous bite of her food, flashing me a cute grin. "And also because I mis—" Lizzie stopped mid-sentence. "These are so good, aren't they?"
I nodded, giving her a toothy grin. We ate the rest of our food in comfortable silence, and would casually smile at each other for no apparent reason.
Lizzie reached over, wiping the corner of my mouth with her thumb, "You have a little bit of... there it's gone."
It took me by surprise, I didn't know what else to do. It felt like I was paralyzed, I couldn't move a single muscle. We gazed into each other's eyes, and there wasn't any second that passed by that didn't make me feel like some type of way. The blood rushing through my veins, the slow defined beating of my heart, I could feel it all.
_______
We spent at least an hour in IKEA until she found what she was looking for. Lizzie talked to the delivery team for quite some time before she came back. She told me how she's going to find the right time to get her dad out of the house so when they deliver it, he won't be home. After leaving the parking lot, we're on our way to our final destination, Barnes and Nobles for the rest of Maya's gift.
"I was reading our old messages the other day, and I made a specific promise about taking you here to buy whatever you want for your birthday." Lizzie spoke as we entered the building.
"You did."
"The offer still stands." She gave me a look. "I think that it's time I stay true to my words."
I nodded, "Okay."
"Okay." She returned.
About a couple of hours later, here we are carrying at least five bags each in both of our hands as we're walking toward the parking lot. I had to use my foot to press a button so that it could open because my hands were occupied. Without wasting another second, I put everything in the back, shaking my arms a couple of times because they felt numb.
"I think Maya will love you forever." I said breathily. "You practically almost bought the entire store."
"You think she'll love the things I got her?"
"She will." I reassured her. "Now, where to next?"
"Is it okay if we go to the park?" Lizzie asked innocently. "I kind of just want to walk around a bit before I go back home."
"Okay." I smiled.
_______
It's nice out today. The weather for once wasn't all about the never-ending heat problem LA seemed to have. It's actually a bit chilly, which is surprising because it's rare for it to be like this. It's a perfect end of the day activity. A nice casual stroll while some of the families are either having a picnic or riding their bikes.
"How's work been?" Lizzie asked carefully, afraid that she might be overstepping a boundary.
"Busy." I chuckled. "We're taking in on so many clients, and it doesn't seem to stop. Scarlett recently signed a three-month contract with us for her short film. She recorded a few originals. We gained a few major investors, and things are looking up."
"That's really good. I'm glad." She spoke softly. "You deserve it. You deserve every good thing that's ever happened to you. You worked so hard for it."
I felt the sincerity in her voice, and it touched my heart in more ways than one. It's crazy to say, but I miss hearing the sound of her voice. It makes me feel at home, and I wouldn't mind listening to it. It's been a while since we spent some time with each other, and shared a casual conversation. For a single moment, it didn't feel like there was a wedge between us.
It felt relaxing being in the same space as her. I enjoyed her company so much that I didn't do much talking. I listened to whatever it was that she had to say about her getting back to work slowly. There were bits of moments where it started to feel normal. It was like coming home after a long day and telling the only person you look forward to talking about everything that happened. She made me feel this way.
_______
After driving her back home, and helping her put the rest of the stuff she bought inside, she insisted on walking me back to my car. A weird feeling in my chest began to stir as I'm nearing my car, almost like I don't want to leave.
"Thank you for helping me today." Lizzie offered me a thankful smile. "I don't know what I would've done without you."
"It's no problem. I'm glad I could be of help."
We sort of just looked at each other, neither one of us wanting to look away. But, our shared moment is starting to feel a bit too real for me, so I had to pull away.
"I should go."
Lizzie nodded, "Drive safe, Y/N. I'll see you next week."
I smiled before entering my car. I looked at my rear view mirror as I'm driving off, the little void in my chest slowly expands as the distance between us grows fonder. Out of all the possible things that could've happened today, spending my day with her was the last thing I expected. But, I'm not complaining. I missed spending time with her more than anything.
Lizzie's POV (the night after her fight with MK)
I stood, waiting in front of the door to open. I couldn't get my mind off of everything that was said last night. I barely got enough sleep because of it. And the bits of memories that followed, it was all confusing to me. I didn't know what to think or feel.
All my life, I've never had a conversation like that with MK. We never even had so much as a misunderstanding. Maybe a couple of arguments, but they weren't as major as last night. She completely exploded, and I can't say I disagree with everything she said. She was right. About everything.
There's no denying that I took Y/N for granted. She did everything she could in order to save what we had, but when I was starting to fall for her, I pulled away. I don't think I've ever felt something so real before. Not even with Robbie. I can't remember my past with her, but my heart reminded me of everything. The raw, genuine emotions of it all. It was always there. I've always felt connected to her.
"Lizzie, what are you doing here so early?" Robbie asked tiredly. "Is everything okay?"
"Can we talk? It's important."
"Yeah, of course. Come in."
I followed him inside the living room, feeling a bit out of place. I sat a little far away from him, keeping my distance.
"What happened four years ago?" I started. "It seemed like my relationship with Y/N was going so well until it didn't. She was going to propose to me the night of our anniversary, and I'm trying to remember what happened, but I can't. I'm blocked out."
"You didn't show up that night because of what happened to my mom." Robbie said as he looked at with guilt in his eyes. "She got really sick, and she didn't have much time left. But, when you found out that keeping her happy was going to prolong her life, you decided to end your relationship with Y/N. You sacrificed your own happiness just so my mom could live."
Minor flashes of voices I've heard during one of my dreams rang loudly inside of my head. Little by little, it was starting to make sense to me.
"You were dedicated, and wanted us to pretend like we're engaged again." He continued. "I guess, it became a lot for Y/N, because she left right after. She was gone for three years, until she came back for work."
I listened intently, not having much to say.
"Listen, Lizzie, there's something you should know." Robbie's tone is stern and serious. "In the past, I've done some awful things in order to try to break you guys apart. If I could go back in time, I would stop myself from doing it, but I can't."
"What happened?"
"Six years ago, I hired people to hurt Y/N." He couldn't even look as he's saying it. "At the time, I was so blinded by my jealousy and anger that it made me do things. Awful things. I regret everything about it. I threatened you, I tried everything. But, no matter what I did, nothing worked."
There was a slight pause between us, the sound of his quiet sobs was the only thing I could hear.
"Y/N, she's a good person." Robbie said sincerely. "She loves you more than I ever could. She was able to bring a side of you that even after years of us being together, I couldn't. All she ever wanted was for you to be happy. Even if it's hurting her."
He stopped for a moment, "When you told me you wanted to explore your feelings with me, I was hesitant. I didn't know what it meant. For you. For me. And for us. I didn't want to do it, but Y/N, she wanted you to get what you're looking for. She made me understand. So, I decided to do it. She told me, 'If I can't make her happy, maybe you can.'"
"She said that?"
Robbie nodded, "She did." He looked at me with his glossed over eyes, "Listen, Lizzie, I know that you tried it, but there's no point in exploring things with me if you already know what you feel. You love Y/N. You've known it from the start. And I think overtime, even after being with me, it made you realize it more. And the truth is, it's her. It's always been her. It is always going to be her. Not me. So, don't make the same mistake you did years ago. Go after her. It's what your heart wants."
A realization hit me. Love is meeting someone and knowing, it will always be them. Whatever life throws at you, whatever obstacles you have to overcome, even if you aren't together they will always have your heart. That's Y/N for me.
—————
A/N: I'm sorry for disappearing on y'all, but hopefully, this chapter made up for it 😅 but, you guys are nearing the end of the angst for this story, so you have that to look forward to. Like I've said, trust the mfn process lol 🙄
See y'all in the next chapter!