"Ica, what is this IG story of yours? What happened to your face?! More importantly, where are you?!"
My manager's voice boomed in my ears just as I accepted the call. Tumalon ako pababa ng hood ng kotse at naglakad, takot na marinig ni Maki ang sermon kahit na hindi naman naka loudspeaker iyon.
"Vacation," tipid kong sagot kay Gia.
"Where, Veronica? Hindi ka man lang nagpaalam sa akin! You have an audition tomorrow for a new movie!"
Nagpintig ang tenga ko. "Didn't I tell you that I won't star in a movie for a while? Magbe-break muna ako dahil nahihirapan ako sa law school, 'di ba?" I cut her off, a little mad.
"But this is a big movie, Ica! A big break! And it's not with Aspen because you'll have a different male lead. Sikat. Tutunog lalo ang pangalan mo!" pangungumbinsi niya.
"Ayaw ko nga, Gia. Gusto kong magpahinga. Hindi ko pa gustong tumanggap ng project. I honestly don't care how big this project is, how good the pay is, who's my partner. I don't care about my reputation, you know that," kalmado pero may diin kong sabi.
"Are you planning to be on a hiatus?!" napasigaw siya, halong inis at gulat. "Remember that if you take a long break, you may not be in the same position anymore."
Napasuntok ako sa ere sa inis. "I want to focus on my studies, Gia. Lawyer ang pangarap ko, hindi ang mag-artista. Kung hindi ko lang kailangan ang pera hindi naman ako tutuloy rito. And I won't stop, I will just take a break. To breathe. Why are you not understanding my situation and what I want-" I halted when I felt an arm slid on my waist from behind.
Marco was smiling at me meaningfully. Napakagat ako sa labi ko para pigilan na dugtungan ang rant kay Gia. He knew I wasn't thinking my words right now.
"Sorry. Let's just have a meeting when I get back." I ended the call and removed Marco's arm on my waist before walking back to his car to sit again, thinking.
People always prioritize my career over my wants. I did not choose this life... My dad made it for me. It was laid out in front of me. I managed to live through this career because I thought it'll make him proud, but he basically rubbed it in my face that he wasn't. It made me lose the little drive I have to keep going.
Hindi ako nakaranas ng masayang childhood. I wasn't sheltered by my parents but when it comes to the people helping me rise in my career, they literally took my freedom away. Wala akong kaibigan at ang mga kaharap ko lang ay ang mga scripts ko. Clothes? I have a stylist for that. Maglaro? Hindi pwede. Baka masugatan. Pati pagkain, may listahan.
I was served with everything. It felt light. A life some people might want to have. But it's not easy. Once the spotlight is really directed towards you, you just have to act every minute, fake even your real feelings.
When I built my own dreams, I realized that my life doesn't stop with what they planned out for me. I am my own person. By choosing my own dream, it'll make all my efforts go to waste. But I don't want to live my life thinking of what could have been.
"Ano ang totoong pangarap mo? When you were young, what did you want to be?" I randomly asked Marco who was silent beside me.
"Hmm." Pinagkrus niya ang braso sa harap ng dibdib, bumabaling sa akin. "Hindi ko talaga alam ang gusto ko dati. Muntikan na akong mag business para sundan si Jericho dahil hindi ako sanay na hindi siya kasama. We were classmates since forever." He laughed.
"Businessman." Tumango ako. "Bagay ka naman mag tuxedo. Pwede rin." I showed him my thumbs up. "So bakit biglang doctor?"
"Kaibigan," maikling sagot niya. He looked back in front and swallowed.
"He chose your profession for you?" I asked, confused.
"No, more like he was my inspiration."
Tumango ako at walang sinabi. We were silent up until the sun has fully risen. Kahit na umaraw na, hindi naman mainit sa balat at mahangin pa rito, causing my hair to fly carelessly.
"Si Kito," he suddenly said. "He was the one who made me realize that I want to help people. Mas gusto kong mag-alaga kaysa ako ang alagaan. Kaya gusto kong mag doctor."
Naapatango ako. Maalaga lang pala talaga sa lahat 'to.
"Favorite song iyon ni Kito." What he blurted out made my brows furrow. He noticed it so he quickly added, "Iyong kantang paulit-ulit kong tinutugtug kahapon. It was his favorite..."
"E-heads fan iyon, 'no?" I guessed with a gentle laugh.
"A big one." Sinabayan niya ang tawa ko, pinaglalaruan ang susi niya. "Memorize lahat ng kanta, may mga album at posters pa iyan na binibili."
"Mabait ba iyan? Mukha siyang tahimik base sa pictures," sabi ko.
He scoffed in disbelief, raising a brow. "Ang ingay noon!"
"Like you?"
"Like you," pagpasa naman niya.
I let out dramatic gasp. "Hoy! Pareho lang tayong maingay! Hindi ko tanggap iyan, ah!"
"Mas maingay ka, Ica. Huwag ka nang kumontra, mas defensive ka lang tingnan." His lips formed a teasing smile.
"Is Kito here?" I got curious.
He froze and his fingers stopped playing with the keys. I sensed that my question was wrong. Babawiin ko na sana but he gave me a smile and asked, "Bakit, gusto mong makilala?"
"Why not? Gusto ko lang malaman if totoong magka-level kami ng kaingyan!" I let out a heartily laugh, removing tension.
"Okay, tara."
We left his secret spot. I memorized the directions of this place, just in case I want to come here. I had my hand over the window of the car, feeling the morning breeze on my face. I was watching the people happily running to the beach with their surfboards.
Huminto si Maki at bumaba saglit. He walked to the vendor selling flowers. My brows knitted. Ano'ng ginagawa nito? When he came back, he reached out the five white roses that he bought to me.
"Pahawak muna nito, please," sambit niya.
"For what is this?" I accepted the roses despite my curiosity. Ngumiti lang siya sa 'kin at nag-drive na ulit.
There were conclusions building inside my head when we arrived somewhere, which I assumed was a cemetery because there were graves, candles, and flowers there. May mga tao ring nakaupo, may mga tarpaulin pang nakasabit sa ibang parang bahay.
Marco stopped on one gravestone, making me halt on my tracks too. I bit my lower lip when I read the name embedded on it. Kianu Tomiyo Lopez. It was... Kito. I didn't know he... passed away.
Naupo si Marco sa tapat nito at tinapik ang tabi niya, pinapaupo ako. There he goes again. His eyes. It looked so sad, and some more emotions I cannot exactly tell what is. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa bulaklak at umiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya.
"Tatayo ka lang ba diyan? Mangangalay ka, Ica." He let out a laugh, which faded so fast.
Just by that, I took a deep breath to calm myself. I knew this was sensitive for him, hard to handle. It was still breaking him inside and he'll definitely not admit that but I knew him. I need to be here for him.
"Sorry, may magandang ibon na dumaan. Na-distract ako," pagrarason ko at tumuro pa sa langit para maniwala siya. A bird passed by, as if it was a paid actor. But it was just a common bird so he didn't believe me.
Tumawa siya nang mahina at kinuha ang bulaklak sa akin para ilapag sa itaas ng lapida ni Kito. He rested his hand on my thigh after. We just sat there in silence for a few minutes. Sumulyap ako sa kaniya at nakitang nakatitig lang siya sa pangalan na nakapinta sa lapida.
"Kito drowned," Marco suddenly spoke. "I mean, it was suicide..."
I inhaled a sharp breath and unconsciously held it for so long when he dropped the reason of Kito's death. Just as I exhaled, my eyes shut and I felt my shoulders fell in dismay.
"Alam mo ano'ng nakakagago? Sinabi niya sa 'kin ang plano niya." Mapakla siyang tumawa at yumuko.
I was lost for words, so I held his hand that was resting on top of my thigh. Humigpit kaagad ng hawak niya roon. I scooted over him. Sinandal niya ang ulo niya sa balikat ko para hindi ko makita ang mukha niya.
"May sakit kasi siya. Ako lang ang may alam noon. He didn't tell me, I just found out because he had been acting weird for a few weeks and I always see him vomit blood..." Huminto siya, nahihirapan sa pagkwento. "Hiniling niyang huwag kong sabihin kahit kanino, lalo na kay Cali."
"Because it will be harder for him to leave..." I nodded, realizing something. "Because he loves her."
"Yeah. Cute 'no? May pagka-sweet din si kumag," he managed to joke.
"Ayaw masaktan. 'Lam mo naman malambot puso ni Cali," sinakyan ko ang biro niya.
He laughed shortly. "Nagsisi ako dahil wala akong nagawa... Pero tangina ano bang magagawa ko kung nagmakaawa na siya sa akin na huwag ko siyang pigilan? Pabayaan ko siya dahil nahihirapan na siya. Hindi na niya kaya, pagod na siya..." Hindi na siya makasalita nang maayos.
My eyes shut, my chest tightening. Parang hindi nagfu-function ang isip ko bigla. I hate deaths. Hearing the story was painful. And seeing someone you care about break down beside you because of regrets was more painful.
Suminghot si Marco kaya inangat ko ang baba niya. Walang luha sa pisngi niya pero namumuo na iyon sa mga mata niya. Paniguradong sa isang kurap, bubuhos lahat ng iyon. Tinanggal niya ang kamay ko at yumuko ulit.
"Bumili pa iyan ng mga regalo para sa kaibigan namin para raw maalala siya. Ilang linggo siyang naging mabait sa lahat. Halos sapakin na nga siya ni Raya sa kilabot dahil hindi raw bagay sa kaniya ang bago niyang personality. Magpapanggap pa sa harap ni Cali, eh, alam naman daw ng lahat na demonyo siya."
"Definitely something Raya would say," pag-agree ko. Sabay kaming tumawa nang tipid. "How are you now?" marahan na tanong ko.
"Masaya naman kami ngayon pero palaging parang may kulang. But we're still happy because we know his suffering has finally ended. He's in a safe place."
"I'm asking how are you?" I repeated with a little emphasis on the last word. I caressed his hair, looking down at him. Nakita kong nakangiti siya ng maliit.
"Does it matter?" he asked like a whisper.
"Of course, it matters. You matter."
"Kinaya... kinakaya," mahinang sagot niya. "He was my best friend. We shared a deep bond. I just hoped he have lived longer. Ang dami pa niya sanang mararanasan. He was very talented. Sigurado akong kung nandito pa ito, mas gugustuhin mo itong kasap dahil kasing ingay mo talaga." Umahon siya, tumatawa.
Nginitian ko siya at hinawakan ang pisngi gamit ang dalawang kamay ko. "You're okay," makahulugang sabi ko.
Lumipad din ang mga kamay niya sa pisngi ko. "You're okay, too," he also said, smiling.
Kinagabihan, inaya ako ni Marco pumunta sa Sahara. I asked if it was a club but he said hindi raw. More like a chill open-air restaurant with acoustic band.
Nagsuot lang ako ng pink cotton terno set but I had the button up open, reveling my white tube inside. Kinuha ko ang white sandals ko at sinuot iyon bago humarap sa salamin para taliin ang buhok ko habang basa pa iyon. I tied it up into a clean bun. Nag-spray ako ng pabango bago lumabas.
Nakita ko si Marco na nakahilig sa motor niya, naninigarilyo. Agad niyang tinapon iyon nang nakita ako. I looked at him weirdly, completely closing the door behind me. He looked confused then his eyes went to the cigarette on the floor.
"Ako drive," sambit ko sa kaniya.
"License mo muna," sabi niya pabalik.
"Dala ko." I showed him my small pouch.
"Catch." He threw his keys to me and I caught it smoothly with my two hands. "Ba't ko pa tinapon, pupunta ka rin naman sa 'kin." Mahina siyang tumawa.
Naupo ako sa motor niya at sinaksak ang susi. I turned it to the right and kicked the stand using my feet. He watched me try to kick-start the motorcycle. "Help," sabi ko nang palaging pumapalpak.
"Angas na sana, eh." Tumawa siya, nang-aasar.
"Whatever." Umusog ako palikod para makaupo siya sa harap. In just one kick, his motorcycle already made a sound. Aalis na sana siya pero hinila ko ang likuran ng shirt niya. "Ikaw na drive. Tinamad na ako."
"Dismayado kaagad? Lugi naman tayo diyan sa fighting spirit mo." Nang-asar na naman siya bago nag-drive paalis.
When we arrived at the place, the music from the band invaded my ears, as well as the laughters of the people in some tables. Nauna akong naglakad, pinagmamasdan ang paligid.
"Bilis mo naman maglakad," Marco complained, his hand reaching on my waist when he caught me.
We sat down on a table for three kahit na dalawa lang kami. Nasa bandang gilid 'to kaya hindi ako nabahala. I just want to enjoy the night. This place seems fun and chill pa naman.
"Ano'ng craving mo?" Inabutan ako ni Maki ng menu. "Masarap quesadillas nila rito. It's my favorite." He did a chef kiss gesture, looking so satisfied as he imagined the taste.
"Okay, let's get that!" Binalik ko ulit ang mata sa menu para tumingin pa ng iba. "How about this smoked pork barbeque ribs? Yummy ba?"
"Oo. Lahat naman dito masarap, actually. Kaya nga kita dinala rito kasi alam kong mahilig kang makatikim ng bagong pagkain," he said.
Tinuro ko siya, looking proud dahil kilala niya ako. Natawa siya at nag-suggest pa ng ibang pagkain na tingin niya magugustuhan ko. We ordered juice for our drinks. After eating, I ordered a cocktail while he got a beer.
"Laro tayo. Truth or... truth!" Natatawang uminom ako sa baso ko.
"Walang choice? Puro truth?" Tunog nagrereklamo siya, kumakamot sa batok niya na parang bata.
"May tinatago!" I teased, poking his cheek. He rolled his eyes. Sungit! "Ay, five questions na lang para may thrill!"
Tumango na lang siya. Nag-isip naman ako ng magandang itanong sa kaniya, something that will make me know him much better than I already do.
Pinatong niya ang braso sa backrest at hinila ako palapit sa kaniya. Tumama ako sa dibdib niya. "Ang layo mo naman."
"Bago tayo magsimula, mag-order muna tayo ng panibagong quesadillas." Tinaas ko ang kamay ko para tumawag ng waiter.
"Busog na ako. Wala na yata akong abs sa kakakain." Tinapik niya ang tiyan niya, pouting.
Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. "Hindi naman para sa 'yo. Para sa akin, tangek," pambabara ko.
"Ay, talaga? Nakakahiya naman ako. Ang assumero!" Umiling siya.
"Ngayon mo lang na-realize na assumero ka?"
The waiter stopped in front of us. "Good evening! May I take your order?" I dictated my order to him. He told me there were desserts available, like leche flan, so I ordered two.
"Okay, start na!" Pumalakpak ako at tumagilid ng upo para mas klaro si Maki. "Best birthday gift you have received?"
"Cute ng tanong. Akala ko malala!" Maki admitted, showing me his wrist with a gold bracelet. "But it's this one. Bigay ni Sasy, eh."
Bigay ni Sasy, eh.
Damn, he sounded so... in love.
Tumango ako nang wala sa sarili. Binalik niya ang tanong ko sa akin. "Originality naman. Huwag mong ibalik!" I complained kasi ang ending nito, ako lang magtatapon ng tanong!
He laughed. "After this," he said calmly.
"Iyong ano... surprise mo sa akin noong birthday ko. The cupcake and iyong pakanta mo at midnight." I tapped the glass using my finger, laughing softly. "No one really did something like that for me. It felt surreal." I didn't even feel ashamed of answering truthfully.
"Hmm." He sipped on his bottle, hiding a smile underneath.
"Who should pay on the first date?" pangalawang tanong ko.
"Lalake," he answered without hesitation. "Tinatanong pa ba dapat iyan?"
I nodded. "I honestly don't mind paying, though. Nakikipag-agawan pa nga ako minsan because I'm not comfortable na librehin ng iba," pag-share ko. "Ideal relationship?" sinundan ko kaagad ng tanong.
"Iyan na. Love na ang usapan!" Kumawala ang tawa sa labi niya. "Ideal siguro para sa akin ay iyong tipong para kaming barkada."
"So parang barkada kaya minahal mo ang barkada mo?" I couldn't help but interfere, amused.
He chuckled. His lips parted as he played with his tongue on his teeth. "Isang tanong na iyan, ah," he said teasingly, pointing his bottle at me.
I gasped in shock. "Counted ba iyon?! Hindi ako papayag!" Inuutakan ako nito, eh!
"That's another question," he continued to tease me. Nairita ako nang napagtantong ubos na ang tanong ko. "Just to remind you, you have no questions left."
"Ang unfair mo maglaro! Hindi ganoon iyon!" Sinipa ko siya sa ilalim ng lamesa. Bahagya siyang natawa nang natamaan ang tuhod niya. "But whatever! Sagutin mo na lang para naman useful iyong tanong ko!"
"First, yes, parang barkada but not literally. Hindi dapat kung ano'ng trato niya sa barkada niya ganoon din sa akin. Syempre, dapat sa akin lang sweet at clingy. Nagjowa pa ako kung hindi naman pala ako special. Tsaka madamot ako, Ica," he told me with a small smirk.
Napatango ako at kumuha ng chicken leg sa plato. "Tama. The one where you treat each other like best friends, very comfortable, one call away, asaran but still sweet. Gets!"
"Second." He showed me his two fingers. "Hindi ko sinasadyang mahalin ang barkada ko. It just happened. She's just something else." Napangiti siya. Umiwas ako ng tingin dahil pati mata niya, halatang masaya. "And third, oo counted iyong mga tanong mo."
"Nakakainis ka talaga. But it's your turn to ask me now." I felt a little excited to answer, despite getting a grim feeling building inside my chest.
"Pakagat muna. Nag-iisip pa ako ng tanong." He took a bite on my chicken. "Okay... Since you are well informed about my flings dahil stalker kita, related doon ang itatanong ko. Who's your best fling?"
"Manu." Nagkibit ako ng balikat, walang pakialam. Hindi ko naman sinesekreto iyon.
Nakita kong natigilan siya sa pagnguya at nanlaki ang mga mata sa gulat. "Hayop! Ex ni Cali?! Naging fling mo iyon?" Gulat na gulat pa rin siya.
Agad akong uminom ng cocktail ko para itago ang tawa dulot ng saya nang may napagtanto. "Dalawang tanong na iyan," pang-aasar ko para makabawi. "But yes and yes."
"Nakaganti. Inaantay mo talaga ako na magkamali. Diyan talaga lumilinaw mga mata n'yo. Pusta, panunumbat na ang kasunod." Peke siyang sumimangot sa akin at pinagsalubong ang makapal niyang kilay. Pogi naman nito.
"Hindi kami humahanap ng mali. Sadyang gumagawa lang kayo ng mali," I fired. "And you'll start defending yourself, which makes you look more guilty." Ewan ko ba kung bakit most of the time tama ang mga hinala ng babae. May radar lang yata.
Umismid siya. "Sino ba namang may gustong pagbintangan."
"Then show reasons for a woman to not doubt your actions. Simple." Ngumiti ako.
"Men leave. Women leave. Men lie. Women lie. Both sex cheats, too." Marco leaned over the table, looking at me warily. "Just like how women are allowed to cry, and men are allowed to do that. How women does the house chores and men should do that as well. Lahat ng ginagawa ng lalake, ginagawa rin ng babae. Vice versa."
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay habang kumakagat sa manok ko, naghihintay sa kadugtong ng point niya.
"Not to sound defensive but shit goes both ways, Ica. If a man should prove himself, I do think woman should as well," he said.
"What exactly is your point?" I asked.
"It's just that men deserves the same things women wants to receive from their partner." He shrugged. "Hindi gagana ang relasyon kung isa lang ang nagdadala. Swerte ka kung mapupunta ka sa taong gagawin ang lahat para lang hindi ka mawala. Pero paano kung doon ka napadpad sa madaling mapagod?"
"Then he doesn't love me genuinely and deeply because he got tired so easy," proud pa akong sumagot, nakataas pa ang manok.
Nakangiting umiling si Marco. "Hindi lahat ng sumuko, napawi ang pagmamahal. Sometimes, they just reach their limits and put theirselves first. Again, it goes both ways."
"Life is full of choices, Marco. Nasa tao iyan. And I refuse to choose the negative ones. Leave, lie, cheat, I won't do those... because people made me experience those." Mataman ko siyang tiningnan. "But, men are trash. You can't change my mind."
"Definitely. I agree," sabi niya. "Pero sige, hindi ka sinungaling. Sagutin mo 'to nang totoo, ah." He crossed his arms, challenging me through his eyes.
"Game." Tinaasan ko naman siya ng kilay at nagpatuloy sa pagkagat sa manok, tinatanggap ang hamon niya.
"Gusto mo ba ako?" diretsong tanong niya.
Nasamid ako sa kinakain ko. Tangina, paano napunta roon?! Hindi ko iyon inaasahan! I thought we will have another debate or something, not this!
"What type of question is that?" Nakatupi na ang apat na daliri niya sa isang kamay, pinapaalalahan na isa na lang ang natitirang tanong ko. "Hayop ka rin talaga, 'no?"
"Damn, you got to be careful next time." He leaned and planted a kiss on my lips before pulling away but remaining an inch away from me. "But answer me. A simple yes or no will do."
"Seryosong tanong pala iyon? Yuck, Marco! Bilang kaibigan lang... Hindi kita gusto sa ganoong paraan!" My exaggeration threw me off so I calmed myself down. "No... I don't like you."
"Tanungin mo ako kung ano'ng pinakaayaw ko. Bilis," seryosong utos niya sa 'kin.
I cleared my throat and bit my chicken again to divert my attention. "What do you hate the most?"
"Liars," he firmly answered, his eyes piercing through mine.
I remained my calm composure and stared back at him. Deep inside, I was stalled by his reply. Alam niyang nagsisinungaling ako. I can feel myself shivering with his intense eyes boring ito my soul.
"Ano'ng gusto mo sa lalake?" He didn't push thru my lie and ask his next question.
"Una, iyong hindi ako gagawing kabit," bitter kong sagot. "I used to have this list of reasons and things of what I need to like in a guy. Na dapat mahanap ko ang lalakeng may ganoon na traits and attitude. But I realized it made no sense. Kasi paano kapag nawala na iyong reason ko? Paano kung biglang nagbago ang ugali niya? Does that mean I don't like the guy anymore?"
I started fanning myself using my other hand because the alcohol was kicking in already and I was sweating buckets. Maingat lang na na nakatitig sa akin si Marco habang pinupunasan ng panyo ang noo ko.
"Now, the only thing I want from a man is someone who will accept the fact that I'm not perfect and that I will make mistakes, but I am also going to learn from it. A man who will love me for me."
Mahirap ba iyon hilingin?
"Sa relasyon? Ano namang gusto mo?" He had no questions left but I didn't want to ruin the moment.
"I want a relationship with no lies, no secrets," I said.
Nakakatawa. Sa kaniya ko pa talaga sinabi ang mga bagay na gusto ko sanang sa kaniya ko matatanggap. But that's not possible. I like him... but he was in love with someone else.
We left after eating the new plate of food. I was a little tipsy so we walked by the beach to breath for a moment. Wrong decision, though, because the air made me dizzy.
Naupo kami sa swing bench na nakasabit sa puno. Marco was looking so out of it. I snapped my fingers in front of his eyes. Bumalik siya sa ulirat.
"Are you okay?" nag-aalalang tanong ko.
"Oo, may iniisip lang," sagot niya.
Sumandal ako sa handle ng swing, pinapanuod ang mga alon. May kaunting tao sa parte ng buhanginan na tinatamaan ng ilaw ng resort sa tabi. They were loud. Mga guests siguro.
"Ikaw, okay ka lang? Drunk?" Marco asked, caressing my back.
"Tipsy," pagpili ko ng term. "Nasusuka ako. Ang lakas noong vodka."
"'Lika rito." Hinila niya ang braso ko kaya medyo nahilo ako sa biglaang galaw.
My eyes shut when he wrapped his arms on my shoulder and made my head lean over his chest. Pinipigilan niya ang galaw ng swing para hindi lumala ang hilo ko. He was also caressing my back.
"Marco, handa ka bang magmahal ng iba?" I asked him, shutting my eyes tight.
I felt him freeze with my question. Napangiti ako nang mapait. Ilang beses ko na itong sinabi... Ang hirap naman makagusto sa taong may ibang mahal.
"I'm almost over her... I hope, this time it's real," he whispered. "Kasi sa totoo lang, pagod na akong mahalin siya. Alam ko namang wala kaming patutunguhan. Wala noon, lalo na ngayon."
"But when you're over her... are you going to love again?"
"Of course, Zy." He kissed the top of my head. "I do not limit myself because of countless rejections and unreciprocated love. I'm willing to try and give myself to someone. But maybe it will take time for me to love again."
"You'll get there. You deserve to be happy," mahinang sabi ko at niyakap siya.
"You deserve to be happy, too," he said with meaning laced in his tone.
He suddenly lifted my chin. Nakasingkit ang mga mata kong nakatingin sa kaniya dahil madilim at hindi ko siya maklaro.
Unexpectedly, he was... smiling. It's the kind of smile that transforms into someone else entirely. The one that reached his eyes, showing peacefulness, and dazzle on his lips. It might be one of my favorite smile of his. It looked so... real, despite the topic we had.
My eyes shut when he closed the gap between us. Unlike our midday kisses, this had a foreign feeling. It was different than all the kisses we shared. Maybe it was the night, the cold breeze or the sound of the waves filling our ears. I can't tell.
Humiwalay siya at pinagpahinga ang noo sa noo ko. I can smell the mixture of whiskey and mint scent of the candy he ate a while ago fanning on my face a bit.
"I don't want to be unfair to you. Ayaw kitang masaktan, Ica." He sounded like he was having a hard time. His breathing was barely even.
"Hindi ka lang assumero, madamot ka rin, 'no? Pero huwag kang mag-alala, hindi ako masasaktan. Kasi hindi nga kita bet," pinanindigan ko ang pagtatanggi.
"Alam kong gusto mo ako."
"Napakayabang talaga, Marquenzo!" Napapikit ako at tumawa, medyo sumisikip ang dibdib.
"Am I wrong, then? Are you just really friendly and clingy to all, huh? You do cuddles with me even when you hate it," he pushed further. Sinilip niya ang mukha ko para sa sagot.
Bumitaw ako sa yakap niya at sinandal ang likod sa backrest. Ginalaw ko nang kaunti ang swing habang tinatanggal ang tali sa buhok ko.
"I'm just genuinely kind and touchy to people." I shrugged, acting normal. Sige, tanggi lang nang tanggi, Ica. "Besides, why are you asking me that? Kung sasagot ako ng oo, sasabihin mong huwag kang gustuhin. Kapag sinabing hindi, pinipilit mong gusto kita. Gulo mo."
"Gulo mo," he repeated.
I raised a brow. "Ako pa?"
Tumawa siya nang marahan, nakatitig sa mukha ko. "Pero wala naman akong sinabi na huwag mo akong gustuhin, ah?" naguguluhang sabi niya.
"Sinabi mo kaya!" pamimilit ko kaagad. Teka, may sinabi ba siya or gumagawa lang ako?!
"Ang sabi ko it will take time for me to love again," he made it clear.
"That's basically the same thing!" Hinampas ko siya.
"Huh? Saan ang parte roon na pinagkaitan kita na gustuhin ako?" His expression was genuinely confused. I rolled my eyes at him. "Hindi sa namimilit pero hindi kasi talaga ako matahimik hanggang sa hindi ako makarinig nang sincere na sagot galing sa 'yo."
"Sagot sa what exactly?" I already knew, though, because of our topic. Why was he persistent to know?
"I want an honest answer from you, please." He was looking at me with such a soft gaze. "Do you like me? Do you have feelings for me?" His questions were almost a whisper.
Maybe... Maybe I need to be honest to myself, too. Kasi sa bawat tanggi ko ay bawat tapak rin ng mga paa ko palapit sa kaniya. Sa bawat tanggi... mas nahuhulog ako.
"Oo, Marco. Gusto kita." I nodded with my eyes closed, laughing a bit with amusement when I heard my own confession. "Masyado ba akong halata?"