"Is this your first?" The doctor asked Kate
Kate was laying back on the seat, the paper crinkled beneath her as she shifted nervously.
"Yeah" she nodded, "I'm so nervous"
"This is gonna be cold" she disclosed before squirting the cold liquid on Kate's flat stomach
"What about you dad?" The doctor asked Adam
"Excited, but nervous too"
"Here it is" the doctor turned the screen
The expecting parents stares at the screen, focusing on the little dot in the center. A small sound echoed the room, both of them averted their stair to the doctor.
"It's the heartbeat" she reassured, "a strong one too"
"Oh wow" Kate exhaled, she listened intently to the small drumming sound of her baby's heart; it felt like the most perfect sound in the world
"what did you think honey?" She asked her fiancé
"I think it's the best sound ever" he smiled
Kate smiled, she squeezed his hand happily "can you believe that's ours, we made that"
Adam kissed her forehead "I hope they turn out like you"
Kate woke up from her restless slumber, she had been sleeping for small intervals throughout the night, they maybe lasted between 1 to 2 hours.
Kate felt relatively okay, it's the first morning this week she hadn't woken up sick. She kept wondering how she didn't spot the signs. They were crystal clear.
She glanced at the clock in their room and noticed it was still early, meaning Buck wouldn't have left yet. She was trying not to avoid him, she knew it wouldn't be easy but the idea of not wanting kids completely shattered bucks heart - despite him denying it, she could see it in his eyes
Kate walked out of their room, she made her way to the kitchen "morning"
"How are you feeling?" Buck asked, looking up from his phone
"Like I want some coffee but can't have any" Kate sighed, she pulled out a seat at the table "I feel okay, just tired"
"Yeah, you were stirring a lot last night"
"Yeah, I feel like my brain is working overtime right now" she joked lightly, barely forcing a laugh
Buck barely nodded, he wanted so badly to support her. He always assumed she'd want another baby eventually, but if it's like she said - if she never wanted kids, it changed things. In the most horrible, heartbreaking way.
"You're mad" Kate sighed,
"I'm not mad I just don't.. I don't understand" he admitted
"Okay, what is it you don't understand?"
"Is it just the idea of losing another child that holds you back? Because if that's the case.. it's - it's rare and things would be different. I'm not saying we have to do it right now, but some day in the future"
Kate blinked, she took in a breath and exhaled seconds later "I know it's rare Buckley... I-. When I found out I was pregnant with Sam I never even considered the possibility that I wouldn't-.." her voice caught on fresh tears "I wouldn't see him grow up.. but it happened, I was suddenly part of a small percentage. I just-.. what if it happened again-..
"It won't" he cut in, taking a step forward "I promise it won't because I won't drink, I won't drive. I'm not.. I'm not Adam and One day we could have a family"
"Evan" Kate murmured, barely a whisper. She wanted so badly to give him a family, but it was too painful
Buck turned to the sink, he was angry but not at Kate. He was angry at it all, he was angry that she couldn't see beyond her ex but he felt shit for feeling that way. He was angry that Adam still found a way to stop her from living, he was angry all of this happened to her. He just wished he could take her pain away, he wished she would want to have his kids one day
"Evan honey, I'm sorry I just -..
Buck whirled around "God I'm not Adam!" He yelled, his hand gripped around the coffee mug
Kate felt her heart stop, although she hated to admit it - she still felt the trauma from Adam attacking her most days. The noise of clanging dishes or someone raising their voice, sometimes it was all it took.
He noticed the glazed over look in her eyes, the distant look that always meant something triggered an unwanted memory.
Buck took a step back "Oh Kate.. Kate I'm so sorry"
"I uh.. I need a shower" Kate stood up from the table, with shaking legs she walked into the bathroom and locked the door.
She waited until the water was running to sob quietly into a towel, hoping to muffle the sounds.
...
Kate and Evan walked into the elevator, Kate was scheduled for a scan, she was still quiet from that morning. This would either make or break their relationship and based off the events, Kate had a bad feeling it would break them.
"Can you believe it, I'm pregnant" the woman beside them beamed with excitement,
Kates mind wandered to a time when she was that excited, a time before everything went wrong; when the world seemed a little more simple.
Mam, me and Adam have some news" Kate started, her hand was intertwined with her fiancés "im pregnant"
Bridget stared back at her daughter, her eyes wide and full of joy "are you serious?"
Kate nodded, "I'm 9 weeks"
"Oh honey" Bridget cried, "this is amazing"
"We are both so excited" Adam said, squeezing Kate's hand
Hours has passed, Adam had left for work and Kate was still sat in her mams kitchen, she'd spend hours in her old home, talking about everything and nothing until dinner time came around.
"So how have you been feeling?" Bridget asked, setting a cup of tea down in front of her daughter
"Today is the first day I haven't thrown up in a week, so I'm pretty good" she joked,
"Adam seems to be taking the news well"
"It's his baby mam, I'd hope so"
"You know what I mean" Bridget rolled her eyes
"I'm not worried he'll drink, he's the one who talked me off the edge. We are both in stable jobs and are in a good place in life" she explained
"Did you have a scan?"
"Yes, and we heard the heartbeat. Oh mam it was the best sound ever, I just can't believe I'm making a whole person" Kate gushed
"It's an amazing feeling"
"Kate" Evan called
Kate blinked, coming back from her dream of memories "sorry" she mumbled
"It's okay, come on. This is our stop" he gently pulled her hand
Kate followed him, she felt like she was waking in a cloud, her brain feeling like it was engulfed in fog. One thing she hated last time, feeling like her brain wasn't hers.
Buck held open the door, Kate walked in and took a seat on the bed. Feeling like she was a teenager, rather than a stable earning adult.
A doctor walked in , greeting them with a polite smile "hi, I'm doctor Williams. I'll be doing your scan today, how are we feeling today?"
"I feel foggy" Kate said, "I feel like my brain isn't mine"
Doctor Williams nodded "That's normal, you might feel forgetful too. It's usually called-
"Pregnancy brain" Kate finished, "not my first" she added
"Well then you know all of this works. So have you thought further on your options?" She asked
"I'm trying to, but I'm so tired. I feel like I could sleep for a week"
"That's also normal. So I'm just gonna get you to lie back on the chair" she directed
Kate shifted herself to get comfortable, she laid back and pulled up her shirt. She hadn't noticed anything until now, a small growing bump was seen the second she pulled her shirt up.
"This is gonna be cold" the doctor warned, she squirted the gel on Kate's stomach and moved the rod around, "would you like to see?"
"Em.. yeah sure" Kate nodded
She turned the screen around, a small baby was seen, from what Kate had experience before, it was only suppose to be a small dot
"Uh, that's a -
"A baby, Kate you're 12 weeks pregnant" the doctor told her
Kate licked her now dry lips, she stared back in disbelief "I'm sorry what.. that's impossible, why am I only experiencing symptoms now. During my last I couldn't keep anything down for weeks"
"Every pregnancy is different, this explains the spotting and the foggy Brain. It also explains the dizziness, that can be a symptom leading into the second trimester" she explained
"My options, what are they now?"
"You can still terminate the pregnancy, but it would be under anesthetic"
"Okay. " Kate nodded
"Would you like to hear the heartbeat?" She asked
"Could we?" Evan asked, he sounded a little excited. Kate was denying him of everything else, she could at Least give him this
"If you want" Kate nodded
Within seconds the small drumming sound was filling the room, Kate's mind was drawn back to when she first heard Sams, she felt the same feeling too. The feeling of shock that she was growing a tiny human, that this thing inside of her existed beyond a ball of cells.
"Wow" Buck sighed,
"Can we be done now?" Kate asked, she sat up abruptly and took the tissue that was offered. She cleaned herself up and pulled down her top
"So what now?" Kate asked
"Well I can book you in for a procedure, but I would much rather you had some time to think, I can call you in a few days"
"Great" Kate sighed, "Evan you should go, your shift starts soon. I'll be fine from here"
"Are you sure I can -
"Just.. just go to work" Kate insisted,
Evan nodded, he kissed the top of head and left her alone, which was the last thing we wanted to do.
"Kate are you okay?" Her doctor asked
Kate shook her head, her eyes prickled with tears "no" she croaked, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry you are my doctor-
"Are you unsafe in your relationship?" She asked, offering a tissue
"No, god no. Evan is amazing, he's trying everything to make me feel better but I just - I'm terrified"
"Having another baby can be stressful, it's not uncommon to feel under pressure. You still have someone else who is relying on you"
"That's the thing, I don't" Kate cried, "my son died 2 years ago and I.. I'm terrified of having another baby because I don't want I feel that loss again"
"I see" doctor Williams nodded, "if you are worried, your baby is in good health"
"But what happens when it's not, what happens if something happens" Kate sniffled
"And what happens if it doesn't" she asked, "what happens if your baby is healthy and stays healthy"
Kate dried her eyes, she stood up from the bed "im sorry, I shouldn't have opened up like that. You are my doctor not my therapist"
"Kate, here" doctor Williams handed her a picture of the scan and a card with an address written on "it's a group for Grieving mothers, I highly recommend it"
"Thanks"
...
Kate walked into the center, she wasn't sure what she was doing, why she going to some group session, she had been to them before, sometimes they helped and sometimes they didn't.
Kate walked into the wreck center, it had been three months since Sam died and this was her last option, to sit in a room full of people who were just like her
She took a seat in the circle, and listened as a woman spoke about her daughter who had cancer
"Ms, would you like introduce yourself?"
Kate looked up from her hands "em, I'm Kate my son.. died three months ago. It was car crash caused by my ex fiancé"
"And how have you been feeling"
"Like I want to die" Kate admit, her voice barely a whisper "I feel like I want to die because everyday I wake up I'm reminded of what I don't have anymore and everytime I look around I'm reminded why and for that, I hate living"
"Ms, are you okay"
Kate was shook from her fog, she looked beside her and seen a woman "sorry, I'm okay"
"You know the first step is walking in there" she smiled softly
"I don't belong in there, they are woman who just lost there children, mines be gone for two years and now I'm suppose to have another one. God gave me a chance and I hate him for it" she ranted
"Why don't we go somewhere private"
Kate nodded, she followed the woman up a few flights of stairs and into a small staff room with a table and some presses, a microwave sat in the corner.
"Can I get you something to drink"
"I'm okay thank you"
The lady sat down across from Kate, she sipped on her black coffee "I'm Joanne. You are?"
"Kate"
"What's bothering you?"
"This is stupid, I shouldn't have come" Kate shook her head, she gathered her things quickly
"Kate" the woman stopped her, resting a hand against hers "grief is not stupid, so why don't you at least tell someone how you feel"
Kate sat back down, she played with a ring on her finger "My son died over two years ago, it was and still is the worse pain I have ever felt, sometimes I still feel it and I just found out I'm 12 weeks pregnant, but I don't feel like someone who is expecting"
"What's do you feel"
"Terrified" Kate shook, "I am engulfed with fear because My mind keeps asking, what if something happens, how will you cope and I know it's rare something will but I can't-... I will not survive if I lose another child."
Kate looked up firm her hands "I never thought I wanted kids after my son and now I'm about lose my relationship because if it. It's like no mater what I do, I'm still that scared grief stricken girl who ran"
"I started thing foundation after my daughter died, she was 13 and killed herself because she was getting bullied. A year after her death I found out I was pregnant and I was the exact same, I didn't understand how was expected to bring another child into a world that took one away from me. I was terrified, how was I suppose to trust society after no one helped my little girl" she explained
"And?"
"My son is turned 13 yesterday and he's the happiest boy I've ever seen, I chose to have him because I new I always wanted more kids and my husband and I had tried for long after our daughter but nothing worked so we stopped and when I came to terms with my second pregnancy I thought, I'm not letting this world ruin another chance for me and although I still have days when I feel like it's the first day after losing her. I have more days when I thank god that I kept my son" she explained
"My son was two, he was the happiness baby I knew. He never cried, he always smiled every morning when he seen me and would fall asleep every night smiling" Kate reminisced "I was so sure on not wanting kids.. but a part of me wants to feel that again , I want feel that love and joy, but I'm scared to lose it again"
"It's rare you will lose this baby, it's rare to lose any baby. You need to trust that this time it won't happened again because when you do, when you trust your gut, everything else is easy"