John: "Dude I can't hold it in anymore, it fucking hurts! I think I have a terrible case of diarrhea. I'm gonna shit my pants."
Slacker: "No I'm gonna shit your pants!"
"What?"
"Huh? Anyways, got a lighter? I think I've lost mine at Copacabana."
"Copa huh? By the way, this place looks completely unfamiliar to me. Where exactly in America are we right now?"
"Nowhere! This, my friend, is Rio de Janeiro."
"Wait... what?! We're in Rio?! How the hell did we end up in Brazil?!"
"I don't know, ask him."
Slacker pointed towards a monkey.
John looked at the monkey.
The monkey smiled wide at John.
Then he scratched his balls.
"What the... that's a fucking monkey man! How did it end up here in the first place?!"
"I think we picked him up somewhere in Paris."
"Paris?! Just what the hell have we been up to?! Where the hell else did we fucking go?! And why can't I remember any of it?!"
"Acid. And I can't remember anything either. I'm just guessin' based on this Paris postcard I found between my ass cheeks. To be honest, we could've been anywhere really."
"Oh my fucking god, I'm gonna burst!"
"Burst through these packs of methamphetamine, that's whatchu're gonna burst through."
"Nah, I don't think we need anymore of this shit man! Our minds are already so fucked up, we take anymore drugs and we're gonna end up in the middle of the ocean!"
"Doesn't sound so bad. I could go for a swim right now."
The monkey jumped up and down, making monkey noises.
A couple men in guard outfits started shouting at John and Slacker.
They both turned back towards the men and looked at them, simultaneously blinking in awe.
They couldn't tell if the men were real, or if they were just hallucinations.
Gaurd: "¡¿Qué diablos están haciendo, fumando drogas ilegales en público de esta manera, eh?! ¡¿Qué te pasa?! ¡¿Quieres que te arresten?!"
Slacker: "Wha..."
Guard: "¡¿Qué?! ¡¿Se te comió la lengua el gato, pendejos?!"
John: "What is this guy sayin'?"
Guard: "You Americanos? Americanos?"
Slacker: "Yes yes. We are law-abiding American citizens, sir. How can I be of service?"
Guard: "Whatchu doin' smokin' cristal metanfetamina out in open like this, huh? You estúpido? You estúpido, huh? You out your mind?"
John: "Oh no."
Slacker: "Guys guys, there's been a misunderstanding. I assure you, we're doing nothing illegal. This, this is just a... ceremony. A ceremony! Yes, this is a uh... um... a traditional ceremony... that we Americans do. It is completely allowed. In fact, interrupting is very disrespectful, actually. You could get in a lot of trouble for this, so if you could just... go away and don't come back. We can turn a blind eye to this horrendous act of disrespect against... American culture, and... go on about our days."
Guard: "You think I'm stupid?! You think we stupid, huh?!"
Some guards started whispering to each other in the back.
"Estos pendejos probablemente son ricos. ¡Yo digo que saquemos todo el dinero que podamos de ellos, y luego los arrojemos a la cárcel de todos modos!"
"¡Jajajaja! ¡Buena idea!
John: "¡Le chupé las tetas a mi abuela cuando era niña! That's the only Spanish I know. Not sure what it means, but I memorized it off a TV show once."
Guard: "Okay, listen American pendejos. You give us money. Many money. And we forget this ever happen. And we letchu go. Easy as lemôn, ey?"
Slacker: "I'm sorry but we don't have any cash on us, as of this moment. Maybe you can, gimme your address and I can, send the cash your way later."
The guard shot the balls off the monkey.
The monkey screamed in pain and fell to the ground bleeding.
Slacker: "Monkey no! You assholes! I loved that monkey!"
John: "Way to ruin the mood, guys."
Guard: "Argh! Don't play with me, Americanos! You think you can play me, huh? I want my money inmediatamente!"
John: "We already told you, we don't have any money!"
Guard: "Then you go to jail!"
John: "Alright, enough of this shit."
John pulled his gun on the guard and shot him straight between the eyes.
John: "Run mothafucka! Run!"
Slacker got up from over the monkey's corpse and started running behind John.
Other Guard: "You American putas! Run after that son of bitch! Catch him! Catch him! ¡Los vamos a matar pedazos de mierda americanos! ¡Después de ellos! ¡Después de ellos! ¡Dispara a esas perras americanas! ¡Batir la mierda de ellos!"
They ran through the streets of Rio as fast as they could.
Someone's radio was playing so loudly that the music echoed through the streets.
♫
♪Yo estaba en un vacilón♪
♪Yo estaba en un vacilón♪
♪Fui a ver lo que sucedía...♪
♫
♪Cuando ya me divertía♪
♪Y empezaba a vacilar♪
♪No sé de dónde una voz vine a escuchar♪
♫
♪Qué expresión tiene tu rostro♪
♪Se refleja la alegría...♪
♪Y está rodeado de tanta hipocresía♪
♪Es El Nazareno♪
♫
♪Que te da consejos buenos♪
♪A quién, no mires a quién♪
♪Dale la mano al caído y si acaso♪
♪Bien malo ha sido, dale la mano también♪
♫
♪Hazle bien a tus amigos♪
♪Y ofréceles tu amistad♪
♪Y verás que a ti lo malo♪
♪Nunca se te acercará♪
♪En cambio todo lo bueno♪
♪Contigo siempre estará♪
♪¡Óyelo!♪
♫
Slacker: "Y'know, ever since I met that monkey in that zoo in... probably Paris, I knew that he was the one and only monkey for me. He had the smile of an angel. And a fart that smelled like a ten year old rotten egg inside of an unwashed thirty year old sock worn by one of Phil Collins' sex slaves down in his basement. *sobs*"
He said as he cried and ran.
John: "Oh... my stomach! I think I really shit my pants this time. Whatever man! Boo fucking hoo! Just shut up and run! They're catching up to us! ...Wait, what was that about Phil Collins?"
♫
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪Que cuidará a mis amigos♪
♪Me dijo, me dijo que había mucho bueno conmigo♪
♪Y mucho malo también, me dijo♪
♫
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪Que cuidará a mis amigos♪
♪Que siguiera cantando cositas lindas y bonitas para ustedes♪
♪Que son mis queridos amigos♪
♫
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪Que cuidará a mis amigos♪
♪Dale pa'lante, pa'lante, pa'lante, pa'lante, pa'lante como un elefante,♪
♪Maelo no dejes que te tumben, te plante♪
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪Que cuidará a mis amigos♪
♫
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪Que cuidará a mis amigos♪
♪¡Óyelo bien!♪
♫
♪Oye bien mi amigo, ¡oye!♪
♫
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪Que cuidará a mis amigos♪
♪Con Sororo, con la Merito y Cuñón♪
♪Voy pa' Portobelo a cargar el negrón♪
♫
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪Que cuidará a mis amigos♪
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪El negrito lindo de Portobelo, me dijo♪
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪Que cuidará a mis amigos♪
♫
♪¡Dile Rigo!♪
♫
♪El Nazareno me dijo♪
♪Que cuidará a mis amigos♪
♫
♪¡Que viva el Cristo negro de Puertobelo!♪
♫
♪¡Oye bien mi amigo, oye bien!♪
♫
As they ran all across Rio, they couldn't help but shake their asses to the music while running.
John: "What's this music? I love it!"
Slacker: "I'm not sure! Something about an elephant, maybe!"
The guards however, could not care less about the music. They kept running after the boys at a very fast pace.
Slacker was running out of breath.
Slacker: "I... I can't... I can't do this anymore I'm... I'm falling apart."
John: "Fucking hell! Take cover behind that car then!"
They jumped behind an old red mustang parked in a narrow street.
The guards stopped and pointed their guns toward the car.
"It seems that we're in a Brazilian standoff."
"A Brazilian standoff? The fuck does that even mean?! You can't call it a Brazilian standoff, just cause we're in Brazil, that doesn't make any sense!"
"Does using the term Mexican for a standoff in Brazil make sense?"
"I guess, maybe not, I don't know, but this isn't even a Mexican standoff, we're behind a cover!"
Guard: "Americanos! If you don't come out and give yourself up in ten secônds, we open fire! Comprender?!"
John: "We're not gonna do that asshole!"
Slacker: "Yeah! What he said!"
Guard: "Your funerales then!"
John gave an SMG to Slacker as he took hold of his shotgun himself.
John: "Let's shoot those bastards!"
They started shooting each other.
People ran away and screamed.
It was otter chaos.
Slacker didn't land a single bullet.
John on the other hand, as high as he was, still managed to land every single bullet with fatality.
The last guard shouted, "¡Jódete, Americanos!" before he fell to the ground.
All the guards were dead.
Now it was time to bail before the police came around.
They hijacked a man's car by jumping in front of the road and throwing the guy out of his car and down a hill nearby.
They drove away, crashing three times on the way to wherever the hell they were going.
John: "By the way, I think I forgot to ask. What's your name, buddy?"
Slacker: "No shit genius, you ask that now? After all this time?"
"How long has it been?"
"Judging by that Santa ass beard I had to shave off yesterday, I'd say it's been at least two years. I think."
"Two years?! Two fucking years?! And I've been runnin' around on shit tons of acid with you the whole time?!"
"Yes. Isn't that what you wanted? Adventure?"
"Fucking hell man, I can't even remember any of it! What's the point?!"
"I'll tell you what the point is!"
"Uh huh."
"Oh and, my name's Jack— I mean... yeah, my name is actually Jack but I go by Slacker and I prefer it that way."
"Okay... weirdo."
Eleven minutes later when they checked out the hotel, Slacker took a syringe out of his suitcase.
"This is the point."
"No no, no no no, no. I am not doing any more drugs. We've overdone it man! We keep blacking out and waking up in different places. I mean, what kinda life is that, man?! It's bullshit! We can't keep goin' on like this! We'll just overdose and die."
"Your loss, man. Everybody overdoses and dies eventually... from life."
He plunged the syringe into his arm.
"Hey, you can't do more drugs either! We're in this together! You gotta bring me back to America first! Hey! Hey, are you listening?! I'm talkin' to you!"
"Uh yeah... that's the good stuff..."
"Oh Jesus! Can't you just be sober for one fucking second, man! This is too much! Too fucking much!"
"There's no such thing as too—
"Oh don't fucking lecture me with your bullshit philosophy again, man! You're just a limitless loser! Who can't control himself! Accept it!"
"You gotta relax, man. You're too roughed up. You need to let it loose. Take a hit of this little fella right here."
"No! Man! No more drugs!"
"C'mon, just a lil' whiff."
"I said, no!"
"If you wanna be such a tight ass, then I'll smoke it right into your face."
"Oh don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare!"
"Here it comes..."
Slacker exhaled all the smoke into John's face.
John coughed.
"Oh you mother, fucker. No... not again."