It had taken me twenty-four hours to get over my emotional state of disarray and to finally gain back the basic function in my brain.
Though something still caused me disbelief how had my life gone from relatively calm to hell in just a few days. It was a domino effect one day after another but I wouldn't wait for myself to crash down and burn.
I had pulled myself together enough to know that I was going to need to sort out my problems step by step and sadly the easiest part of it was coming to the realisation of all that had happened to me.
But since that phase had already passed, it was time to get answers....
I was aware that just less than a mere day ago I had told the wretched woman that I never wanted to see or hear from her again but sadly, she was the window to my answers and my second step to getting past all this drama that I had come to hate.
That passion for school that I had on Friday had long ebbed out and now it wasn't my priority anymore, hence explaining my pyjama state at 11 am as I procrastinated calling her up.
I stared at the phone number for over a half hour now contemplating whether it was worth it- wether this would give me the closure I needed to move on from at least this traumatising reveal of events.
I finally stopped chickening out and pressed the call button, a small part of me wishing that she just wouldn't pick up but she did and I deflated slightly.
"Hazel," Her tone was hopeful as she expected the forgiveness that I wasn't ready to give yet, maybe never even.
Maybe if she had stayed, stayed and protected me instead of leaving me to burden her mistake on my shoulders things would be different but she left, just like everyone else.
And my subconscious couldn't help comparing her to the woman I had known before as I let out a breathe, needing to sound cool and collected- I needed to be in control here.
Emotions would only overwhelm me when I needed to be the most clear-headed I had ever been.
"We need to meet." She didn't even hesitate as she replied with her fake tone though it had deflated slightly for it wasn't the response she was hoping to get, "of course!"
"Can you meet me at 5 pm today- do you even live in this country or near here?" I heard her sharp intake as she probably realised how out of touch she had been with us and how awful of a mom she was.
Well, it was too late for that.
"I live a half an hour away-I'll drive down to the coffee shop?" I shook my head before realising she couldn't see me- the coffee shop brought back memories that I didn't want to relieve.
Memories filled with happiness and joy that would only bring me sorrow and pain to remember.
"Joe's." I left no room for arguing as I put down the phone. Joe's was one of the few places that we hadn't engraved our existence upon for it was relatively new in a town filled with old reminders.
I hauled myself out of bed to get dressed in a blue sweater and black jeans. I had no motivation to sit down and straighten my hair or put on any makeup besides the necessary concealer and bronzer.
I made my way down where Blake and Noah were eating an early lunch, a plate already out for me as if they had known I would grace them with my appearance..
Or that I couldn't skip more than a meal in a row...
I heard the door slam and a small smile made its way onto my face as I slid into my seat. Izzy came storming through with chris trailing behind her, his eyes like always glued to his phone.
'Wassup you homeless freaks," She took the seat to my left while chris sat opposite me, not bothering to acknowledge anyone as yet.
"We are not homeless," Noah rolled his eyes at the girl sitting in front of him, her eyebrow raised into the air and I just waited for her retort that would no doubt be the start of banter that one of us sensible people would have to halt.
"Uh-huh, so if I decided to kick you out right now would you have a place to go to?"
"No but that's beside the point, you can't kick me out."
"You're forgetting your talking to the sister." "Yes but I'm his best friend- we hold the same regard."
They both whipped their heads to look over at the topic of the discussion who had finally kept his phone away and was watching the banter in amusement.
When the attention drifted to him, he shrugged his shoulder and started to eat knowing it fueled their irritance.
Both of them were acting just like little kids that I couldn't help the grin that spread on my face. These people- this was what I wanted to wake up to every morning and to be my family.
Maybe not by blood but by choice for I saw what was beneath their cold and cruel exterior and I was honoured to see them when they were relaxed and playful- it
meant they trusted me as much as I trusted them.
I finally managed to catch Blake after lunch, who was sitting at the tv room alone flipping through the channels.
He had been going in and out of the country so much as well as hardly ever staying in the same room as I was that it seemed like I never got the opportunity to talk to him.
Of course, the others thought we were sneaking off together to have some private time every night but that was not the case though he did tell me that sometimes, he disappeared to meet his boyfriend.
And I was happy for him, I truly was but this fake relationship thing had gone on for way too long and I felt like everyone was slowly suspecting the reality about our lie
I sat down next to him and he seemed to already know what I wanted to talk about from my sombre expression.
He switched off the tv and stood up, holding out a hand for me to take before leading us out of the door and to the park.
We sat down on a bench viewing the lush green expanse here that never failed to put me in a momentary state of awe, the bench that coincidentally was the same one I was sat on before I found out about his sexuality.
A slightly tense atmosphere had wrapped around us and I had a nagging feeling that he thought I was going to out him in front of all our friends but I would never do that, ever.
His secrets was his to keep or share and I would help him along the way, as I did for a very long time.
From our friends point of view, our relationship must look like it was in
shambles for we never talked about it in front of anyone else or showed any signs of liking one another besides the occasional handhold.
And yes, I wasn't going to lie that I was selfish on my part to about wanting this relationship to end.
I wanted to go to clubs, flirt with people, maybe even kiss guys without being scared that our friends would find out or being restricted to going to bars on my own so they wouldn't see me.
I felt really guilty for wanting to voice my opinion but I just knew that it had to be done...
"Look, Blake, I'm not going to tell them anything about your sexuality or that this was even a fake relationship but if you don't mind... " I took a slight pause, wondering whether it was the right thing to do to him, whether I was being a terrible and shitty friend for being so selfish.
"I do want to end whatever we pretended we had between us. We can just say we didn't feel a connection and that we were slowly drifting apart, unless you have something better?"
Blake let out a sigh of relief, his arm wrapping around me in a side hug out of gratefulness. I could tell my news was better than what he expected me to ask of him for his posture slackened and that lopsided smile that he often did with people he's comfortable with came out again.
"I want to tell them but maybe not right now, when the tension of everything is too high. They're all really stress with the attacks but I've already planned on telling them in a month or so's time during Christmas dinner. "
"I want to bring my boyfriend over to break the news and just hope they're happy for me."
I gave him an encouraging smile, "Of course they'll understand. Maybe not at first but you're family and in the end, that's what really matters doesn't it? Now, let's go break some news shall we?"
.
.
.
.
I stared at our friends' shocked faces, or basically Noah and Izzy's crestfallen expressions as their eyes darted between us, waiting for the waterworks to kick in after our happy 'facade' was dropped.
But it wasn't a show- we wouldn't cry over something fake, we were genuinely happy and indifferent towards the situation. I was happy because well I wasn't lying to my friends anymore and he was happy, well, because he still got to keep his secret.
It was less of a burden for both of us, keeping a secret that would surely be found out soon.
So instead of the expected expression, I just smiled wider and lent into Blake's touch, his arm wrapping around my shoulder almost as if it was a reflex that didn't need any given thought.
"We're still really good friends, but that spark isn't there anymore. We don't like each other that way, I don't think we ever did really. We were just testing waters but have come to a mutual agreement to part," I let them know and felt the tension in the room dissipate slowly.
"Good, I thought I was going to have to beat up my best friend if he broke your heart," Noah let out with a sigh and I saw Izzy stiffen, her eyes darting to Noah almost as if she was jealous he said that.
Sensing her distaste, he quickly amended, "What? Aren't we supposed to protect our sister's heart? Hazel is like a sister to me and I'm just happy that there's no awkwardness between us because of this broken relationship."
At that, Blake and I exchanged a glance knowing that a relationship hadn't been broken but we just unclosed the truth. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back, the nervous smiles not daring from slipping off our face.
TBC
What would their reactions be like when they found out the secret that was buried under a million lies?
In the next chapter, expect to meet Hazel's mom and maybe even Chris's reaction to the whole breakup :)
Goodbye for now,
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