hello my lovelies,
I hope you had a great day today and if not, I promise you there will be better times.
Have fun reading and always remember that you are amazing and enough.
I love you, bye.
4:18 p.m.
That's the time the clock in my therapist's office showed me one Thursday afternoon when I decided to prove them all wrong.
Human beings are so desperate for attention that they have the ineffable urge to blame you for breathing and with a few words spilling out of their dirty mouths they can turn you into a wrack marked by the tiredness streaming through your veins.
What is just a moment of letting go of their inner thoughts will be the sentences that swim in your brain forever but that doesn't mean we are defined by their words for the rest of our lives.
Exactly three years ago my therapist told me I won't start living unless I stop listening to their cruel words and start to hear what I have to say but how should that make anything better?
My mind is a fucked-up place filled with thoughts that bullies wouldn't even dare to think about.
I am thinking and thinking and thinking...
So hard my head is a warzone.
I love trying to figure out why people are who they are and what makes them act the way they do. Especially because I always get an answer but not when it comes to me.
I can't understand myself.
How is it possible for me to be so desperate to fall in love that my whole body lights up just thinking about the possibility but on the other side I am terrified of letting anyone come close to me?
Maybe it's because I haven't received the love I would have needed as a child.
Maybe I haven't met the right person.
Maybe it's because most men I have met have traumatized me and I am scared of falling in love with a monster.
Or maybe my brain is trying to keep me from getting hurt.
But isn't that exactly what I want?
I want to be free and spend my time with a person that makes me feel so alive there isn't a second where I have to doubt myself. I want to run through fields with them till I am coughing because my stamina couldn't be worse and dance in the kitchen at midnight till my feet hurt so bad I just want to sink them into my soft bedsheets.
I want someone to help me find myself and at the same time show me who I was.
I want the all-consuming type of love that makes me want to kiss them till I can't breathe anymore. I want to yell my lungs out to our favorite song and hold a pillow to my face when I can't stop myself from laughing because I am so full of joy every muscle in my face hurts.
I mean... I am loved.
And I love it.
I have two best friends that make my heart beat just for them and light up every day no matter how dark it is. I have a bond with them that I am sure is stronger than everything else in this world.
Antonia, my older sister maybe annoys me sometimes but still can put a smile on my face.
I have Dorian, a man I have known since childhood that is like a brother to me and even though I haven't seen him in months he helped me through dark times.
On some nights I lie on my bed and I feel like the villain in everyone else's story because how can I be so ungrateful?
I have so much love in my life-I receive it and I give it but sometimes...
Sometimes a world full of people is just not enough to not feel lonely.
And that's probably the reason why I am here in New York, a city full of human beings scarred from the past, trying to find themselves and souls that aren't even touched by any evil.
I will probably think way differently a year from now, considering I have only been here for a few weeks and maybe after a while I hate it here but for years I knew I would need this.
I am away from my parents, people that ripped my heart out of my body with just one look, and this every day, 365 days a year only to heal it and do it all over again.
I can finally study something that I truly love and I am on my way to healing.
I am healing from things I didn't even know were my entire childhood eating me out from the inside, causing damage I didn't think could be done by people that were supposed to love me more than anything.
I am not fine.
I am not fine at all but I am here and someday...
Maybe someday I will wake up and everything will be a little bit better.
And maybe one day I will understand myself and start to live instead of just surviving.
"Aleandra fucking Raven!? Where the hell is my black dress?" I hear my best friend yelling as she storms into my room.
Emmabell Kendrick.
My best friend since she walked into my piano lesson 7 years ago greeting me with the biggest smile ever because she knew me from PE.
The funny thing is I couldn't remember her name but I acted like I did because otherwise, it would have been awkward. Then our piano teacher suggested we should play together and well we did. Weeks later we realized that we aren't going to have any friends when we start high school so we didn't really have a choice but start being friends.
And then one day I looked at her and realized she is the person I need with me for the rest of my life.
At first, we seem like we were alike but honestly, we couldn't be any different and that's ok.
I spin around in my chair and look at her.
"Emmabell fucking Kendrick. Start knocking. I could be naked."
"Oh come on. That would be an amazing reason to come in. Even better when you give me an invitation to join you." She says, raising an eyebrow playfully.
She crosses her arms over her chest, watching me expectantly.
I roll my eyes and spin around so I look back into the mirror above my dressing table to finish up my makeup.
"Do you mean the black dress that looks exactly like the other 5 thousand black dresses you have? The one you put on my bed..."
I narrow my eyes at her reflection when I say the last part.
"They definitely don't look the same. You are just fucking blind." She huffs out playfully.
"Oh, really. What's the difference?" I ask looking over my shoulder at her and raising an eyebrow.
"Well,... the structure for example and-just everything. They are completely different, ok?"
"Ok. If you say so." I reply turning my head back to my reflection trying to hide my grin.
"You are such a bitch and now tell me where the dress, that is totally unique to all my others, is?"
"It's over there on the stool. I just had to roll off Cleopatra's hair because she slept on it." I say, applying my mascara.
"This fucking cat. I swear one day I am gonna take this monster and leave it in the woods. I can't believe that I let you bring her with you. She is a beast that just waits for us to turn around so she can kill and eat us. Have you seen her teeth? She is not even a cat. She is a vampire or a lion or a goddamn shark."
"Shut up, you love her."
"I don't and I miss the time when you hated cats."
"I still hate cats. They are assholes and way too much like humans but Cleopatra is my baby. She is an absolute exception. I mean I hate people too and I still love you. That's the same."
"That's not the same. I am human and she is a beast."
Yeah, sure. Because you are not a beast.
I smile in the mirror as I see how good my makeup lies on my face today and then I stand up and look at Emmabell who still stands there glaring at me with the dress on her arm.
I walk to the bed and pick up my little white furball and then head to my best friend.
I press the cat near her face.
"Come on. She is such a cutie. Such a fluff. Right? Cleopatra. You. Are. Such. A. Fluff." I talk to my cat like she is a baby and press kisses on her head between words.
"Get her away from me. Fuck, Aleandra, stop it. She is going to kill me."
She steps back and then opens the door dramatically and storms out.
"If she is gonna kill me in my sleep I will hunt you," She yells and I let out a laugh.
"You are so fucking dumb. Say shit like that about my baby again and I am gonna throw you out of the fucking window." I yell back, holding my palms to Cleopatra's sensitive ears before putting her back on my bed.
Emmabell would never admit it but she loves the little creature as much as I do...maybe even more even though she acted like I grew another head as I told her I wanted to take her with me to New York.
And now we are here.
Living together for the next years, making new experiences, and on the way to finding ourselves.
With the help of her mother who is an influential journalist and her hard work, she is now starting to study film and media production at Darwin University, an Ivy League institution with one of the lowest acceptance rates in the world.
It's home to billionaires, future presidents, children of diplomats, wall street Gods, and the best football players.
People who had the power to rule the world before they were even born.
Emmabell is fortunate but definitely not a typical rich kid and nevertheless, she wouldn't fit in anywhere better. This school is made for her.
I wanted to go there too but I can't afford it and my grades were getting worse the past two years because of my mental health so I would have never been accepted. I am jealous but I am also fucking proud of my best friend because she is gonna be one of the best producers the film industry has ever seen.
Tonight Emmabell is dragging me to a party or more like a gala-honestly I have no idea what exactly will be waiting for us there-because she was invited by some guys she met on the first couple of days on campus. The only thing I know is we have never been somewhere comparable. I am incredibly jealous of her ability to make friends so fast. All the friends I have were introduced by her and I don't even know where she finds all those people.
Not that I am ungrateful... I couldn't be more excited and I may not be the person who finds it easy to go out but in the last few years, I learned to love partying like there is no tomorrow.
Alcohol, drugs, dancing... I will take whatever I can get and I am so ready to finally let go again. The last time I got drunk was weeks ago and I honestly miss it. Feeling free is a treasure most people don't appreciate but it's worth the world. It's weird that I often miss the feeling of being free like an old friend you haven't seen for long.
I let out a frustrated sigh.
Stop thinking about this shit when you know you are imagining it.
This is all happening in your head, Aleandra.
"Are you done?" I ask Emmabell as I step into her room a couple of minutes later.
"Yes. I am, give me a minute." She says while she puts her earrings in.
She turns to me with a big smile.
"Fuck. You look so gorgeous. I can't even describe how much in love I am with you." I say with my jaw dropped open.
I have the most beautiful friends.
"Shut up." She rolls her eyes before traveling her eyes over me.
I wish she would believe me.
One day she is going to see what I see. I will make sure of it.
"You are gonna make every dick hard tonight."
I let out a laugh shaking my head and then I turn around.
We leave the room and head to the door.
"I am so excited I think I am gonna get a heart attack every second."
"You ready to party the life out of your body?"
"You ready to puke your soul out like last time?"
"You are so funny. No, I swear. Not this time."
Yeah, sure.
I let out a chuckle and grab my clutch.
"I am so not ready for this."
"I promise you, after five shots you will be ready."
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