W I N T E R
I tightened my hold on the flowers as I stare at my parents' tombstones. There are some things in life you cannot explain that you just have to go through. It's been seven years then, and I have had enough time to reflect upon my state of being.
How did I feel that day? Confused. Conflicted. Sad. Numb. There was no right thing to do. I felt utterly lost, and all I wanted to do was crawl and die. I didn't want to eat. I wasn't hungry. But it was wrong because I didn't want to trouble my friends. Especially to Aeri. They said that I should be strong.
At first, you're in denial. You can't seem to accept that they are gone. You'll feel your heart aching and all you can do is cry out as you cling onto that tiny hope that it was all a dream. Then as time passes, your hopes leave your system and you experience excruciating pain. Next comes the part when you accept and that you have moved on. Growing strong enough to recall memories without the pain. Losing someone you love is painful and you must give yourself the time and space to accept everything at its own pace.
"It's been a while, right moms?" I smile, arranging the flowers before squatting down on the grass.
"I'm sorry for visiting not as frequently as before. But I'm sure enough you'll be scolding me because I should be focusing on school now that I'm a graduating student."
I played with my hands, letting the wind fill my silent atmosphere. "I wish you were still here."
I remember both my moms made life fun despite the consequences. Our everyday life became an adventure and every bad time was just a passing treasure.
"Despite the short moments we had together, I'll always be proud of being your daughter." Why? because of the years of laughing crying and other lovely and terrible emotions, I see from their faces, they never once held me back, never once doubted me or my path. They accepted my flaws and my needs. They pushed me to realize I am worthy of love and happiness. They showed me what family is.
"Today's another performance, I know you're proud of me like you always tell me. It'll be more special if I finally get to tell the girl I've been crushing for years my feelings. Wish me luck."
"Don't worry too much about me. You'll always be close to me, and no matter the distance, I feel you holding me when I need it."
~~~
"I'm nervous," I clasp my hands together. My heart was beating rapidly causing me to shake. I left the cemetery in time for the event. Now that it's finally happening I've never felt this nervous before.
"Why are you nervous? You've been joining this event for the past three years," She looks at me with those confusing eyes. Indeed, I shouldn't be nervous because of the experience already. But what if I tell her it's not about that?
"You know what I'm talking about," I softly say. Not looking her in the eyes.
I told myself that one day, I'll do what my mind and heart have been telling me to do. The things I think to myself, I can't help but want to get them out. It doesn't matter to me anymore what would happen afterward.
"This song isn't for the sake of the performance," She doesn't say anything and waits for me to continue. Like this was something important to me. "I-I wrote this song for her,"
"After the performance, I wanna tell the girl behind my songs my feelings."
"Is she here among the crowd?"
I nodded shyly, she was in front of me. I wanted to say but couldn't. "Will you be there?" Although she told me many times before that she will be there, I just couldn't help but ask her one more time in case she changes her mind. I want her to hear me out. I want her to listen to the words that I was so afraid to say.
"Of course, I'll be there," She replies, hugging me. I sigh in relief when her warmth calmed me down. "I promised, remember?"
"Have I told ever told you how lucky I am to have met a person like you?" I say, burying my head under her chin, not wanting to see any of her reactions for now. "I hope you know how I love you for being you."
"Winter Kim, you're up." One of the personnel told me and she gives me one last smile before leaving.
The loud cheers coming from my classmates and friends as I got up from the stage were overwhelming. My eyes searched for Jimin among the crowd and thankfully celebrated in my mind when she was with everyone. I took a deep breath before the piano started to play.
Title: Beautiful
Written by: KMJ
In a distance, I see you, my heart is pounding
Do you know I'm like this? You took my heart from the beginning
A while ago I told you for the first time that I love you. I tried to be cool with it and ease it into the conversation. I wish I could say it again. But I don't want to overwhelm you.
Even if I close my eyes and close my ears,
My broken heart will beat for you again
I can only hear those three words on repeat. I don't know what it means to love you. But I know this.
You are so beautiful
In any form
You are so beautiful
I'll protect you
I love you. Every single piece, I love you. I love your flaws; in my eyes they create perfection. Someday your pain will be beneath you. Someday you'll see that all that crying will bloom flowers under your feet.
Stay with me, stay there, even if you go
You are so beautiful
I pray that my heart will reach you
I love your smile, in my eyes, they put heaven to shame. I love your voice, in my eyes, symphonies could never compare.
Across the dawn, today, I repeat my words toward you
On a tiring day, I'll be your light
I love you, every single part of you.
Even if I close my eyes and close my ears,
My broken heart will beat for you again
If you're listening to this song
I want you to know that I am sincere
I look at her and I couldn't help but give a smile. Her eyes are deep like the ocean. Her lips are soft like a teddy bear and her hair smells like roses.
You are so beautiful
In any form
You are so beautiful
I'll protect you
Stay with me, stay there, even if you go
You are so beautiful
I pray that my heart will reach you
Can't you see? I care about you deeply, I love you inevitably, is that wrong?
You still don't know, the words that I have been kept for a long time
I love you
I confess that I love you, and I don't think I'll ever stop.
You are so beautiful
In any form
You are so beautiful
I'll protect you
Stay with me, stay there, even if you go
You are so beautiful
I pray that my heart will reach you
The truth is I'm scared, but what is there to fear? This is everything I have ever wanted. So, then why am I in tears?
I smiled at the crowd and did not forget to bow before departing from the stage. The claps and screams were enough to tell me that everyone enjoyed my song. I just hope she did too.
"Min! you were amazing out there!" Aeri's shout got me out of my thoughts and hugged me.
"It was a beautiful song Win," Everyone agrees with what Yeji said and I blushed. I look around and was slightly disappointed not to see the person who have been running through my thoughts all day.
"Looking for her?" Ningning smirks. "She's outside with Soobin." I frowned. Why was she with him? "The guy stopped her from entering backstage and asked for her time. You should go see if she's alright." I nodded and got annoyed. Soobin's going to get it if she hurts her again.
"I'll be back," I turn to Aeri who nodded and went to Ningning's side.
I walked through the crowd searching for her figure until I saw her with Soobin from a distance where not many people were surrounding them. I slowed my steps when I realized how deep their conversation was. Not wanting to interrupt them, I stopped a few meters away and watched them.
"Will you give us a chance again?" I heard Soobin say to Jimin.
"What difference would it make?"
"I keep thinking maybe If you let me back in. W-We can make it better."
My mind went into a haze from what I heard and didn't want to listen anymore to their conversation. But despite wanting to not hear what the words coming out of their mouth were, her gesture was enough to tell me that she chose him. It was always him.
Jimin nodded at something he said. "I'm willing to give us a chance again." With that, Soobin hugs a teary Jimin, and she hugs him back with the same intensity that he was giving her.
"I love you," he says.
She has made her choice. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand the tears that I just noticed streaming down. Fuck. I was too late. I never stood a chance. I suddenly want to walk out of this place and crawl into my bed. Not bothering to go back with the group.
I left.
All those times, I was looking at you from afar, for at least once, have you ever looked back to see me too?
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As promised, hope you enjoyed the update. You have no idea how long I was waiting for this chapter to happen. Also, the song recommended to you today is Minjeong's first ever written song inspired by Jimin.