I woke up with sunlight shining in my eyes and a pounding in my head. I felt Rev's massive arm underneath my side and I really had to pee. I carefully got up and felt my head spin.
Not good.
I'd be puking sometime soon. I carefully climbed out of bed, lost my balance, and fell against the chair in the room. Rev woke and instantly got up to guide me to the bathroom.
"All right then, love?"
"I'll be puking soon", I said, as he helped me land on the toilet.
"I figured", he said.
As soon as I was done going to the bathroom, I drank some water from the bathroom sink, then immediately turned and threw that up, along with all the stomach acid which I knew had to come up.
My hair was still in a ponytail from yesterday so I didn't need him to hold it back. He helped me stand and brush my teeth, then pulled his shirt over my head and got me back to bed.
Two hours later I woke up again, and he was gone but had left me a note next to my phone that he was getting food. My head no longer hurt or was spinning but my stomach still felt awful. I knew from experience I would need to throw up at least once more. I slowly went to the bathroom and threw up before even drinking any water, then brushed my teeth and laid back in bed.
I checked my phone. I had texts from Brad, Jake, Clay, and Bre. Both Brad and Bre wanted calls back, but I knew they were both at work, and I didn't feel like talking to her today.
I texted Clay and Jake to let them both know I was puking but alive, and then tried I Brad.
...........................................................................
Brad had drifted off to sleep after Bre had loved him with her beautiful body. He was extremely touched that she had instigated it and executed it without any prompting or guidance from him at all. That showed real trust and confidence on her part, and he was proud of her. Plus, it was exactly what he needed in that moment, and he was so thankful for her.
He woke up still worried about Paige, and he texted her to call him when she got up.
Around eleven, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He stopped what he was doing and answered. There was no one around him at that moment.
"Baby, I was worried", he said. "Are you still sick?"
"What?", she asked. "How did you know? Who told you?"
"Clay, and then I talked to Rev. You were right next to him when I called. You don't remember?"
"Nope".
Wow.
"How are you feeling?", he asked.
"I've puked twice but coming around", she said.
"Where's Rev?", he asked.
"I'm not sure. I woke up and he left a note he was getting food".
"Do you remember fighting him?", he asked.
"Yeah...I didn't want to leave the bar", she said.
"Clay said you bit him?", Brad asked, chuckling.
"Wait, what?! Who? I bit who? Clay? Or Rev?"
Clearly she didn't remember.
"Rev", he replied.
"Shit. No. I don't remember that. Everything is fuzzy after getting in the car".
"Why did you drink that much, baby?", he asked gently.
"I was feeling shitty", she replied.
"Talk to me", he prompted.
"I'm really hurt about you preferring Bre", she admitted. "It breaks my heart".
"Baby, I'm sorry you think that. Please believe me when say I'm love with you and want marry you. Please believe me". Brad's heart was aching.
She didn't say anything.
"I've been so worried about you since the panic attack", he continued. "I was hoping you could make it home tomorrow instead of Friday. I really need to get my arms around you, babe. I miss you so badly".
He heard her sniffle.
"I miss you, too", she said quietly. "I love you so much".
"I love you, too, babe. Please don't question that. Not ever. I don't prefer her. She's just different than you, that's all. Like I said, I'm not giving her up because you aren't giving him up. If you want that to be different, we can discuss it, but we're discussing it at home. Okay?"
"Okay", she agreed.
"I can't wait to see you", he said honestly.
"Will you be staying with me Friday night...or her?", Paige asked, sounding vulnerable.
"You", Brad said decisively. "I'll get you from the airport". Brad intended to spend Friday night through Christmas night with Paige regardless of what Bre was doing, but he still needed to let Bre know his plans.
"Okay", she replied, sounding relieved.
"Anything else?", he asked.
"Nope".
"I gotta get back to work", he said, as he saw a group of workers approaching. "Get better. Love you, babe".
"I love you", she said.
...........................................................................
Bre had been exercising and cleaning after work most days as usual before Steve, and now Brad, got back from work. She typically got home about two hours before they did so it was a good time to do it.
Her doctor said she could keep doing whatever she normally did for exercise at this point, so she hadn't modified anything. Today she was doing a cardio workout in the living room, in the middle of standing crunches, when she felt a horrible pain in her lower belly.
She gasped and crashed to her knees, holding her belly. "Ow...ow", she gasped, and Maggie was immediately at her side, looking concerned. She took a couple deep breaths and the pain went away. She knew exactly what it was but that was scary. It was a round ligament pain. Apparently she would need to start modifying her exercise routine.
Gosh, that sucked. No wonder Paige was terrified when she had no idea about it, and with her injury.
Bre had texted her in the morning. She was feeling a lot of guilt, and worry, about her impulsive little friend, and she decided to try talking to her. She hadn't heard anything yet. She might be really sick considering how much she drank last night.
Bre slowly and carefully got herself to the couch then called her youngest sister, Bailey, who was a nurse and the most recent to have been pregnant. Bailey advised her to take a warm bath and start backing off on such strenuous exercises.
Bre updated her on Steve coming to Christmas, but assured her they weren't back together yet. Bailey supported her, and understood her anger, but she encouraged her to give Steve a chance to change before going straight into divorce.
"I'm not ready to forgive him but I'm not planning divorce, either", Bre assured her.
After she hung up with Bailey, Bre got up to get to the bath tub. The pain kicked in when she went to stand and she sat heavily back down.
Shoot.
She tried again, using her legs more than her abs, and managed okay.
Brad showed up while she was still in the tub. She hadn't realized it was that late.
"BRE???", he called from downstairs, sounding worried.
"Bathroom!", she yelled, as loud as she dared without using her abs.
She heard him take the stairs two at a time then quickly walked right in.
"Everything okay?", he asked, his brow furrowed. She knew he was used to seeing her cooking at this time.
"I had a pain", she admitted.
He was squatting next to the tub in a second, worry all over his face. "What kind of pain?"
"The round ligament pain. You remember?"
He nodded and laid his palm along her cheek. "You sure? Has it happened before?"
"No, but I'm sure. I talked to my sister, also. That's what it is. I was exercising when it happened. I can't do cardio anymore apparently".
"You're still doing cardio?!?", he asked, his tone horrified. "Why?"
"I like exercise", she said, "and my doctor said I could keep doing everything the same until it started bothering me. I'm healthy and strong and it's unlikely I'll have issues, so there was no reason not to".
"Until now", he said.
"Yes. Correct".
Brad was sweet when he was worried.
"How do you feel now?", he asked, brow still furrowed.
"Fine".
"You ready to get up and shower?", he asked.
"Yeah, I didn't realize how late it was", she said, starting to sit upright.
"Wait, let me help you", he said, catching her under her arms and lifting her to standing. "I'll shower with you", he said, draining the tub and quickly shedding his clothes.
"I'm okay", she protested, and he shot her a look that told her to stop protesting because it was happening regardless.
He stepped in and she grabbed his scruffy face, planting a kiss on him. "Thank you for caring", she said.
"Not something you need to thank me for", he said gruffly. "It's what I do".
...........................................................................
I was finally able to get some water in around four, and convinced Rev to bring me back to the cottage around five. I had toast and showered, then subjected myself to the humiliation of listening to Jake and Rev recant my actions of the night before.
Jake made supper at six but I couldn't eat. Rev and Clay ate with him, though.
Then Rev and I spent the rest of the evening talking in my room and he stayed overnight.
"I cannot believe I actually bit you", I moaned. He had a bruise on his upper arm from me.
He chuckled again. "You were quite the handful. I was rather impressed you had tricked me into thinking you were passed out so you could try to leap from the vehicle". He really started laughing then.
"Everything was a blur after leaving the bar", I said.
"You do know we had sex, right?", he asked, sounding uncomfortable.
"Yeah, I remember that".
"You know you talked me into that, right?"
"Oh, yeah. Why did you tell me no?", I asked, feeling defensive all over again.
"Because I don't take advantage of drunk women, love. It's not right".
"Of course it's not right to get someone to sleep with you when they're wasted, but it's us. We've had sex more times than I can count. We're basically a couple. That's not taking advantage of me because we already do it all the time".
He chuckled. "That's exactly what you said to convince me", he said.
"Good", I said. "I don't like you telling me no".
He chuckled. "We've got two more days together, love. What do you feel like doing?", he asked.
"I don't know".
"Have you been in the mountains yet?", he asked.
"Not really".
"Let's go see the Smokey Mountains then. We can drive there tomorrow, stay overnight, and come back Thursday. I think it's about four hours away".
"Sure", I said, thinking about what tomorrow was, and that it would be best to keep my mind off of it.
...........................................................................
After supper, Brad approached Bre about his Christmas plans.
"Baby, I was planning on picking Paige up at the airport Friday and staying home with her until Sunday night. I'm not sure after that. Are you going to be okay if I leave you?"
"Honey, I keep telling you I'll be fine. You need to see her. It's Christmas. I'll be with my family and I'll be fine. I have Maggie, too".
"I don't want you to feel like I'm abandoning you", he said, placing his hand on top of hers. "Especially since you've been getting that pain. It makes me worried".
He watched her smile, looking appreciative as always at his concern.
"Honey, you are so sweet. You can count on me to not take risks or do anything ridiculous to hurt myself, okay?"
Brad knew exactly who and what she was referring to.
"I know, babe", he said, kissing her forehead, "but I don't want you to feel lonely or scared, either. I got you. Okay?"
He watched her tear up and smile.
"Honey, you are the best", she said.
...........................................................................
Friday Bre was on Christmas break, so she made Brad breakfast while he got ready for work. He dug her gift out from the pile under the tree and brought it with him into the kitchen.
She was done making omelets, and was cleaning up the kitchen when he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and held the little wrapped box up in front of her.
"Merry Christmas", he said against her ear.
"Brad!", she gasped. "No! I didn't get you a thing! Why did you do this?"
She slowly took it from his hand and turned around, an incredulous look on her face.
"Because I saw it when I was buying Paige a Christmas present, and it reminded me of you, and I decided you needed it".
She hesitated, her soft brown eyes trying to read his motive.
He leaned his butt against the island and waited with his arms crossed.
She carefully opened it and then gasped when she looked inside. Her mouth actually dropped open.
Then she teared up, set the box on the counter, and took the bracelet out.
"It reminded me of your necklace", he said as she examined it.
"Brad...this is beautiful", she said slowly and quietly. "I love it. This was so thoughtful of you".
She had tears in her eyes and she was still holding it, staring at it. She was so adorable. He gently took it from her hands and held it open. She slipped her hand in it and he tightened the cord for her.
One tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away with the other hand, smiling, then she wrapped her arms around his neck.
"Thank you", she said quietly. "Thank you so much".
He kissed her on her temple. She let him go and continued to admire it. She looked so delighted. Her reaction was even better than he had anticipated.
"Love you, Bre", he said.
"Oh, honey, I sure love you", she said.
As they were eating, she suddenly asked, "What did you get Paige?"
"Same thing but silver and with a P. I got Gi a silver one, too".
She teared up again and pressed her hand to her heart. "Oh, they will love that!", she said.
Then her face became somber. "What if Steve asks about this?"
"Tell him the truth".
"Did you like it when Rev gave Paige earrings?"
Good point.
"Tell him it's from me and Paige".
She sighed. "I don't like lying".
"We have a joint checking account, which is how I paid for it, so technically it is from both of us", he said. "No lie". He winked at her and took a drink of coffee.
She smiled and shook her head at him.
...........................................................................
The Smoky Mountains were amazing. We did some hiking in the lower elevations, and drove through the upper ones. It definitely took my mind off the missed wedding date and uncertainty of my future. I texted Brad pictures and explained what we were doing. It was easier not hiding Rev from him, and I wanted to share my experiences with him, but I also still knew that Brad hated him and I couldn't bombard him with constant news of what Rev and I were up to.
Rafe called Thursday while we were driving to let me know we would be opening for the singer we opened for last. We would be doing it in Florida and we would be doing it the week after New Years Eve, three times in the same week.
I was so excited I shrieked and Rev almost drove off the highway.
"These are big venues", Rafe assured me. "You are actually starting to make money now!"
I told Rev about it and he grinned widely.
"I'm real proud of you, love", he said. "Bloody fuckin' proud. I'll see if I can come bodyguard you that week. You're definitely going to start needing more security. You might want to talk to Rafe about that. Get some suggestions. I'll also work with all the guys some more as soon as I can".
I was counting the hours until I could see Brad but dreading the moment I had to say goodbye to Rev. It was the strangest sensation and I felt like my heart was being pulled apart.
Friday the guys needed to be at the airport before I did, so Rev and I dropped them off, then we were alone at the cottage for the first time.
"I really want to have sex with you", Rev scowled, "but I don't want to do it in that bloody bed, and I'm sick of the floor". I wasn't sure if it was because he pictured me in the bed with Brad or because Brad told him not to have sex with me in it.
"Let's go in the spare room", I suggested with a smile. "I need to wash the bedding anyway".
He chuckled. "Or the kitchen counter, or the shower, or the couch. Anywhere but that bloody bed".
"Rev, there's cameras everywhere except the bedrooms and bathroom", I told him. "The cameras can see those doors, though. Brad can see what we're doing at any time".
"Fuck me", he said, looking surprised. "I haven't noticed a one".
"Yeah, they're actually in the light fixtures", I said. "Rafe recommended this company, and I think it was expensive, but Brad didn't say".
"Bullshit", Rev said, looking dismayed and looking around. "Show me one, love".
I did.
"This is incredible", he said, standing on a chair and peering into the hanging light fixture over the kitchen table. "This is really good. High tech professional grade. Not what you normally see in homes. Your boyfriend definitely wanted to keep an eye on you".
"So...spare room then?", I asked him.
He chuckled. "Let's go".
...........................................................................
Paige flounced into the spare room and flung her tiny frame across the twin bed, stretching out on her back. She looked so beautiful his heart almost stopped. Her long hair was spread out behind her on the bed, she had a mischievous twinkle sparkling in her emerald eyes, and he loved her in green. She was wearing a green tank top with a green and white flannel over the top of it and some tight dark blue jeans which were more strings than denim.
"You're gorgeous, love", he said, carefully crawling on top of her and placing his hand on top of her head. "You slayed me with that lap dance, you know".
She laughed and blushed. "Oh, I was just being silly", she said.
"That was not silly", he said. "I had to stop you because I couldn't take any more. One more minute and I would have had to rip your clothes off in the bathroom".
He watched her laugh delightedly, then she got a look on her face which he knew meant she was up to something. Her eyes twinkled mischievously.
"Let me up and I'll do it again", she said.
"Right now? Are you serious?", he asked in disbelief.
"Yeah, Rev", she said softly. "Why wouldn't I be? You liked it, right? Come on, move", she said, smiling and shoving futilely at his side.
He moved to sitting on the edge of the tiny bed. She got her phone and found some dance music, then gave him a sexy smile which stopped his heart, and proceeded to give him the best lap dance of his life...this time removing all of her clothes.
...........................................................................
At the airport, I cried. I tried not to and desperately failed.
"I miss you already", I told him. "Why does everything need to be so painful?"
He held my chin in one of his massive hands. "Love, I have had one of the best weeks of my entire life. I'm a lucky man. Every minute I spend with you I'm thankful for. I can live on this week for a good long time. That lap dance, love...I will be thinking about that the rest of my days".
I flushed and smiled through my tears.
"Be thankful for the time we had", he said. "Go spend some time with the wanker. I know you love him, but he is a wanker".
I laughed lightly.
"Don't tolerate his manipulations, though, love. You stand up for yourself and what you want. If he gives you any trouble, you call me, yeah?"
I nodded.
"I'll let you know about Florida", he said. "Call me whenever you have new shows and let me know your schedule. Don't leave a message or text those things, love, in case someone gets ahold of my phone".
I nodded.
"All right then?"
"All right enough", I said. "I'm so glad I got to see you".
"Me, too, sweetheart", he said, kissing me for so long it made it nearly impossible to stop.
...........................................................................
Brad was counting the minutes until he could leave work and start driving to get Paige. Andy knew about their Christmas Day plans and said they'd take care of everything. All Paige and he needed to do was show up.
At the appointed time, he said goodbye to Andy and took off for the airport in the Durango.
...........................................................................
After about an hour in the air, my heart finally stopped aching over missing Rev, and my stomach started fluttering in anticipation of seeing Brad. I wasn't sure exactly how I would respond to being in his presence now. Would I be disgusted? Would I not want him to touch me?
I texted him when I landed and told him where to find me.
My heart started beating rapidly and my stomach fluttered as I walked out and started looking for him.
There he is.
My heart stopped.
He was leaning up against the side of our Durango with his arms crossed, cool and casual as always. His eyes met mine and he started for me, moving quickly without appearing to. His face was intense, his eyes full of emotions. He picked me up in one fluid motion and held me against himself, carry-on bag and all. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he buried his face against my head.
I could feel him silently crying against me, and I held the back of his head, tears leaking down my face.
Finally he set me down and kissed me once on the mouth. I wiped the tears from my tough guy's face. He gave me a half smile which melted my heart, then took my hand and my bag, and we started for home.
We had been driving for thirty minutes with my hand in his resting on the console between us before either of us spoke, and of course it was me who broke the silence.
"What time are we going to Andy's on Christmas?"
"Noon", he answered. "We don't need to make anything or bring anything".
"You okay?", I asked him.
He didn't look okay. He looked really serious and I couldn't read what was going on inside of him.
"Yeah, babe", he replied. "I am now. I've been wanting you home pretty badly. Wednesday sucked. I had assumed you would come home that day, and it really hurt when you didn't and spent the day traveling with Rev instead".
I squeezed his hand. "There were no flights available and I had to get my mind off of it. That day made me sad, too. I know you hate Rev, but he kept my mind off of everything that was making me sad, and we had fun. You have to see the mountains! They were incredible!"
"I'm jealous you saw them without me", he grumbled, "but it was my fault you stayed there longer and I don't blame you".
I leaned over and rested my head against his shoulder as he was driving. I vowed not to talk about Rev or Bre for the rest of the drive.
Instead, I talked to him about upcoming shows in Florida and caught him up on the band performances and all the guys.
"I have to sing a song for you", I told him. "Sam wrote it and I need to see what you think before we decide to perform it".
"All right, baby", he said. "Go for it".
"No, not driving", I said.
"Huh. Now you've got me curious", he said.
I said nothing else. We had the radio playing softly in the background and suddenly Brad released my hand and turned it up louder.
I roughly knew the song but listened closer.
....and with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man, you outta see her fly
Yeah, that was too much. It was too close to home. I went to turn it down and he caught my wrist.
What the fuck?
I lifted my head off his shoulder. His face was thoughtful and he was listening.
"Baby, listen to this", he said. "Her voice reminds me of yours. Listen to this song. It reminds me of you".
"Yeah, and Jay", I said.
He kept listening.
"No, you. Your ability to rise above. His inability to break you. Look at you now. Baby, I want you to sing this song. You need to sing this song".
He was still holding my wrist and he glanced at my face. He wasn't pressuring. He was speaking from his heart. I could tell he meant this was to help me, not for him.
I listened silently to the rest of it, and made a note in my phone.
"I'll try it", I told him, and he turned the music back down and took my hand again, linking my fingers through his.
...........................................................................
Bre spent the day at her sister Bethany's house, playing with her four kids, and her sister Bailey's three girls, while Bailey was at work. They made Christmas cookies and had all of the kids help decorate them. It was wonderfully fun but Bre had to admit she was exhausted by the time Bailey arrived to pick her girls up after work. As Bre headed home, she inwardly groaned at the thought of having to make supper for herself.
Then her phone rang.
Steve.
She assumed he probably wanted to finalize plans for Christmas, so she answered right away.
"Hello?"
"Hey, hun. I don't actually have any nice clothes with me. Can you pick out something for me to wear on Christmas, and I'll change quick when I come get ya?"
Her heart gave a pang and she wasn't sure exactly why. Steve was just so...simple and honest, and trying so hard to not make her mad right now.
She pulled into the garage and parked as she said, "If you bring me food I'll let you come get them right now instead".
He started chuckling. "Whatcha craving?", he asked.
"An apple pie, actually", she replied and he laughed harder.
"Okay, honey. Anything else?"
"I'll have some toast while I'm waiting for that", she replied.
"That's not protein, hun", he said. "I'll figure it out. You sound tired. You didn't work today, did ya?"
"No, I went to Bethany's and made cookies with seven kids", she answered.
"Cripes, hun. Lay down. I'll be there soon".
"Thank you", she said, letting Maggie outside, and she meant it.
...........................................................................
Steve had almost said 'I love you' before he hung up with Bre, but he caught himself. She was giving him an inch and he wasn't going to take a mile. He was going to try really hard not to do anything wrong today.
He ran into a grocery store and thankfully found an apple pie in the bakery, then ran over to the deli. She needed something substantial in her stomach besides pie. He got some slices of rotisserie chicken and a container of mashed potatoes and gravy, taking a leap of faith and getting enough for them both. Maybe she would let him eat with her, and his heart leapt at the thought, but he wasn't going to count on it. She could simply be letting him help because she was tired and needed him, and because obviously Brad was home with Paige so she didn't have anyone else to lean on.
Thank you, God, for that.
He arrived at the house and went in without knocking, taking off his shoes, then putting the food on the island and backtracking to hang up his jacket.
He wondered where Maggie was. She normally ran right to the door. He assumed his wife was in the bedroom picking out clothes so he headed up there.
...........................................................................
Bre changed into pajamas as soon as Maggie came back inside, then started making decisions about what she wanted to wear and what Steve should wear. She was having a hard time deciding because she didn't really like how she looked right now. She finally decided on a burgundy turtleneck sweater dress, which wasn't maternity wear, but was loose enough to stretch. She would wear black tights and dressy boots, and dress it up with some jewelry.
She decided on a pair of black dress pants for Steve and a gray and burgundy striped dress shirt with a dark gray tie. She was questioning herself why she was dressing them to coordinate if they weren't a couple when she heard Steve pull up outside. She quickly got down on her hands and knees to find the right pair of dress shoes for him. They were all in boxes in the bottom of the closet and mixed in with her own shoe boxes. Finally she found them and stood as she heard the front door opening.
The round ligament pain hit, and she dropped back to her knees, gasping and dropping the shoe box. Maggie had started to leave the room to greet her master, but she whipped right back around and stood next to Bre instead, calmly concerned.
Bre struggled to get to her feet as she heard Steve starting up the stairs. He was going to flip out if he found her on the floor, and she didn't need that right now, but as she tried to stand again, it cramped worse than the first time. Clearly it was too soon to move.
She gasped and waited. Steve was going to freak.
He was at the bedroom door. "Hey, hun-", he started, then he must have seen her on the floor because he stopped talking and was on his knees next to her.
"Bre?", he asked, sounding terrified. "What's happening? What's wrong?"
"Round ligament cramp", she said. "I'm okay".
"How do you know that's what it is?", he asked, his honest face terrified and peering into hers. She was still on her hands and knees.
"I've been getting it for a few days now", she explained. "I tried to stand without pulling myself up and must have used too many abdominal muscles".
"A few days?", Steve asked, worry written all over his face. "Honey, why didn't you tell me? I need to know these things!"
"Because you don't live here right now, Steve, and there's nothing you can do about it. I know what to do".
She watched tears spring into his eyes and she felt mean, immediately regretting how she said that.
"You're still my wife and that's still my baby", he said quietly, hurt glistening in his eyes. "I'm here now. Let me get you up".
She nodded and let him lift her to stand and guide her to sit on the bed. He sat next to her but refrained from touching her.
"Explain the pain", he said, and she did, feeling a pang when he nodded because she knew his knowledge came from Paige's pregnancy.
He ran a hand through his hair. "I know you're still mad", he began, and she bristled but let him talk. "You can't be here by yourself, hun. I'm glad Brad was able to stay here and help out but he can't be here every day, and that's not his child. It's mine. I need to be here. Let me stay in the front room, at least".
She shook her head no.
"Bre-", he started.
"I'm fine, Steve. As you said yourself, I don't have any issues, so I can handle it. Plenty of women go through pregnancy alone".
"Not when they have a husband who wants to be involved", he said.
"If you wanted to be involved, you should have been", she snapped, getting angry. "You didn't care up until this point".
"That is not true and you know it isn't", he said quietly, looking hurt.
Bre was tired, hungry, and now sore. She was lashing out for those reasons, and as she realized it, she felt mean and started sobbing uncontrollably.
Steve didn't say a thing, but enfolded her in his arms, and she cried on his shoulder until she calmed down. She breathed in his aftershave, felt his solid, comfortable frame supporting her, and she missed him. It felt different, and she was still hurt and angry, but she did miss him.
She sat upright. "I'm sorry", she said.
"You're tired, hun", he said, clearly forgiving her.
She nodded.
"Let's get something in your stomach", he said, helping her stand.
He still had his security guard uniform on and she always thought he looked so large and impressive in it. Authoritative.
She let him help her downstairs and he ate quietly with her. She watched him observing what she ate and realized he did care, and he was worried about her.
If I hadn't just been on the ground would he be concerned, though?
Binx jumped into Steve's lap and started purring. He had been largely invisible since Brad had been staying. Bre suspected Binx's loyalty to Steve made him pissed off that Brad was there.
"Can you clean his litter box before you go?", she asked. She wasn't supposed to be doing it anymore and she hadn't felt like asking Brad to do it.
"Yes, but I'm not leaving, hun", he said stubbornly, meeting her gaze directly. "I'll sleep on the couch".
"Steve, I'm still really mad and really hurt", she protested. "I don't know that I want to spend that much time with you".
"When you have someone else here staying with you, I'll leave", he said, continuing to eat. Clearly, he wasn't budging, and obviously she wasn't getting someone else to stay over the holidays, and he knew it.
She sighed, both touched and frustrated.
"Fine", she said, rubbing her forehead.
Steve caught her arm. "When did you get this?", he asked. "It matches your necklace".
Shoot.
"Brad gave it to me this morning", she said, and watched Steve's face darken. "He said it was from him and Paige for Christmas".
He softened a bit when she said that then asked, "You talk to her yet?"
"No, I texted her but haven't heard back yet. She's had a wild week from my understanding, so she probably hasn't had time. She just got back tonight. Hopefully she'll get ahold of me before she goes back to Tennessee".
"You're ready to forgive her but not me?", Steve asked.
She checked his face. He wasn't being combative, just looking for clarification, she decided.
"I'm not necessarily ready to forgive her, either, but I am ready to talk to her about my feelings. I've already done that with you".
"No, hun, you didn't talk", he said gently. "You screamed at me and told me you were raising our child on your own".
She felt a pang about that.
"It's okay", he said. "I understand why. I'm ready to listen when you do want to talk, though".
She nodded.
"You want some of that pie now?", he asked.
She nodded again. He cut her a generous slice and warmed it up in the microwave, exactly how she wanted it.
She felt a surprising surge of affection for him. He did pay attention sometimes.
"Thank you", she said quietly as he handed it to her. She couldn't help a tear rolling down her face. She wished she could forgive and forget but she didn't think it was that simple.
He quickly reached over and wiped her tear away with his large thumb.
"I'm sorry I hurt you", he said quietly. "I wish I could explain how sorry I am. I wish I could go back and change everything but I can't. I'm an idiot and I understand you now...or I think I do. I think I see. I'm ready to listen when you want to talk".
She nodded but said nothing and ate her pie.
She got Steve blankets and his pillow and set him up on the couch. She had changed all the bedding upstairs that morning.
He was having a beer in the kitchen and he met her gaze as she walked in.
"I'm so hurt", she blurted out, "and so angry".
He teared up but he nodded.
"I don't understand why you wouldn't have told me you kissed her before you let me have sex with you and marry you?"
"Because Paige and I talked about it and we decided it didn't mean anything. It was only because we were so messed up over Drew and we were getting comfort from each other. That's why. It wasn't even about sex. It was about comfort. There wasn't...it wasn't like...".
He flushed and ran his hand through his hair. "She just had surgery, hun. It wasn't...sexual. I don't know how to explain it".
"I get that", she said. "I still should have been told".
"I know that now", he said. "I guess I was also terrified of losing you and I wasn't willing to risk that by telling you about my mistake".
"Brad says you two slept together also, which I knew because I changed and washed the bedding, but I thought you two slept on separate sides of the same bed. Apparently you held her. No one told me that, either".
Steve hung his head but nodded. "Again, hun, it wasn't sexual. I've never felt pain like that before. She was the only person who felt exactly like I did. We comforted each other".
"I should have been told".
He nodded. "I'm sorry, honey", he said, sounding anguished.
He met her eyes. "If I had told you these things before we got pregnant, would you have left me?"
She considered. "Probably", she answered honestly. "I have always felt like I was your second choice and I think that would have confirmed it for me. I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't love me as much as I love them".
Steve stood up then and flew to her, grabbing her shoulders. "You are not my second choice!", he said urgently. "You break my heart when you say that! After Paige and I were talking through those kisses and what they meant, Paige told me to shut my eyes and picture my future. She asked who I saw next to me in a wedding dress, who I saw raising children with, growing old with. I saw you! Not her! YOU!"
She saw the conviction in his eyes.
"I don't know why I still get caught up in worrying about her other than I do love her and she just does such stupid shit...but I do not picture my future with her".
He held her face in both of his hands. "It's you, Bre. It's been you since that first date we had at the deli".
His eyes were full of tears now and she teared up herself. She wanted to believe him.
"Damn it, Bre, you are my wife, and I don't take that lightly. I want to die without you. I want to do better for you. I'm a fucking idiot! I didn't tell you these things because I was a coward. I was terrified to lose you and it ended up coming out anyway".
Tears were dripping down his cheeks.
"You are my wife and that's my baby inside you. We are a family, Breanna. You two are more important to me than anyone or anything in the world. I know I've let you down but let me try to fix it".
She started crying. "But that ring, Steve. The wedding pictures are ruined. It hurts me so much I had to take Paige's cast offs. What she rejects, I get. You, this house, the ring. It hurts, Steve. She had everything before me. She lived here first. She had a child with you first. She had the ring first. It's too much".
She wrenched her face from his hands. "I'm feeling sick", she said. "I can't talk about this anymore now".
"Okay, hun", he said, his voice wavering.
She went upstairs and shut the door to their room, crying on her pillow until she officially made herself sick, then she bolted to the upstairs bathroom, threw up as quietly as possible, brushed her teeth, splashed cold water on her face, and opened the bathroom door to her husband.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart", he said, opening his arms.
She stepped into them. She felt shaky physically and still emotionally unstable.
He kissed her temple which reminded her of how comforting Brad was.
Steve guided her to the bedroom and told her to lay down. She laid down on her back and Steve laid on his side next to her, placing his large hand on her lower belly, exactly where the baby was.
"I'm so sorry for making you sick", he said, his face tortured. "You need to calm down. How can I help you do that?"
"I'm not sure", she answered.
"Right now am I making you feel better or worse?", he asked, his blue-green eyes searching her face.
"Better", she answered honestly, and she watched relief wash over his face. He bent down and kissed her forehead gently then rested his head on the pillow next to hers, not moving his hand from her belly.
She focused on taking some deep breaths with her eyes shut, and was actually relaxing, when she felt a very distinct soft nudge from the inside right where Steve's hand was!
Two things happened at once. Bre gasped and opened her eyes, and Steve sat up like he had been electrocuted but didn't move his hand. His eyes were wide and his mouth was open.
"Was that-?", he asked.
"Oh my gosh, yes!", Bre said, laughing and starting to cry at the same time.
"Was that the first time?", Steve asked and then the baby moved again.
"Oh!", she gasped, as she felt softer little flutters this time.
"I didn't feel anything", Steve said, watching her face. "Did it move again?"
"Yeah", she said. She felt herself grinning like an idiot with tears running down her face.
He smiled lovingly at her.
"That was the first time", she said quietly. "I can't believe we both felt it! What are the chances?"
"I don't believe in coincidences, Breanna", he said softly, and leaned in to kiss her gently on the mouth without moving his hand.
It wasn't a little peck but he wasn't pushy, either, and she found herself automatically kissing him back.
He pulled away and looked into her eyes. "We've both wanted a family of our own forever. We've got it now. I understand you're still upset, and you have a right to be, but honey, let me try to fix it. Give me another chance. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you, but eventually maybe I will if I try".
"I'm not ready", she said quietly, and he teared up but he nodded.
...........................................................................
When Brad and I got home from the airport, what we typically would have done is tear each other's clothes off...but neither of us took action on that, and the reasons behind it made me uncomfortable.
I didn't want to have sex with him, at least not tonight. I simply wanted his presence. It seemed to be the same for him. We went running together, made supper together, and showered together.
"When are you going to sing that song for me, love?", Brad asked as we were sitting quietly together, drinking whiskey on the couch with the lights low and music playing.
I lifted my head from his shoulder.
"Now, I suppose".
I set down my whiskey and focused on the song, remembering the melody in my head.
I shut my eyes and sang it through for him, feeling the feelings like I did each time I had ran through it. The love for Brad and Rev, the agony of being torn in different directions, the guilt, all of it, as the song's words exposed my life.
When I finished, I opened my eyes and saw that Brad's were shut and he had a tear resting on his cheek.
I was instantly terrified.
He hates it and I've wounded him again.
He opened his eyes. There was a lot of pain in them but also a softness, an understanding.
"That hurt, baby", he said.
"Yeah, I know", I whispered. "I cried the first time I heard it, too".
He was studying my face, and I waited a moment for him to speak, but I'm not terribly patient, so I waited another beat then asked, "Is it too much? Do you not want me to use it?"
He shook his head. "Nah, baby. It's you. That song is you. I can see this from your perspective. Not that it doesn't hurt, but I get it. You aren't the first person who's ever been in this situation, either. I think people are going to be drawn to the honesty of it. It was beautiful and your voice in it...babe, I can feel what you were feeling through your voice. For me to ask you not to sing this song would be like clipping your wings".
He gave me a crooked smile. "You know how I love to see you soar".
I teared up and flung my arms around his neck. Blinded by tears, I kissed his scruffy cheek repeatedly.
"I love you", I whispered against his neck.
"Love you, babe. So much".
...........................................................................
* Vote for Paige's new song! *